Almost concurrently on this board we are presented with two BS (a BH and a BW) whose basic situation is that the affair has been discovered, and there is no recent evidence of its active resumption. "Something's still not right," say these two. Actually the discourse takes the following form:

BS(concerned): Well, spouse is angry, uncooperative, and acting suspiciously. What should I do?

MBers(helpfully): You must fully expose, demand an NCL, and insist on rigorous EPs. Then you must understand and insist upon implementation of the MB program to repair the union and reconnect as a couple.

BS(defensively): But that might make things worse! You obviously a)don't understand my situation is different, or b)are obviously wrong, since I think differently!

MBers(startled): Are you cognizant of how insulting you, in deep doo-doo, asking for help, are to us, who have been through your struggle, and only want to help?

BS(belligerently): Well, if you're going to insult me, I don't know if I care to continue asking for the valuable free advice I can garner here!

These two current BSs are not unique in their resistance to the advice here. Actually their behavior is so common that we should have a name for the genre. Knowing that names for certain performances are often derived from the iconic figure that popularized the act (the Salchow in figure skating, for example), it would be appropriate that someone following the MB protocols precisely would be a HARLEY! Therefore, someone only doing a pale imitation of a Harley would be a VESPA.

Personally I suggest "Quinns" for the NON-MBers. Harley Quinn turned a blind eye to a metric ****-ton because she was in love and didn't want to see anything she didn't like, and didn't want to risk upsetting him.

Haven't we all been guilty of this?

I came here in such deep BS fog I was deluded and confused from left to right and top to bottom.

So I got slammed in the head by the vets until some sense trickled in.

Then the predictions of MBers started to come true. That is when I knew. Not before.

To be fair, as much as I liked Dr H, I had no idea how helpful the forum would be until I tried it. That DID involve a bit of 'Ummmm...are you sure?'

And how wrong was I really to be distrustful of an unknown quantity? I have heard tell it was not always the efficiently helpful place it is today.

When I told my sister I had heard advice here that my H was unfaithful and I was beginning to wonder.. She said 'Don't let them make you paranoid' My reply was that I wasn't following this board that blindly. I listened, applied, judged.

We'll just keep applying the 2x4s, allowing it to sink in and it'll be fine.

i know it gets frustrating, time and time again. i haven't been here all that long and i know i get frustrated! but remember back to being a BS...even when you have proof it is hard to *believe.* at first. and then even harder to act. taking those steps, which are so contrary to how we've been raised, is soooo hard. it's like the betrayal is quicksand. and if it weren't for MB, most of us probably wouldn't have done what's recommended here, either staying miserably married, or going straight to a painful and messy D, rather than a strong personal recovery (together OR apart).

the best we can do is keep trying...or wait until they come back and are ready to hear it.

Nervous Noobies?
Cake Bakers?
Ernest Enablers?
Frightened Fumblers?
Anxious Waiters?
Procrastinating Hopers?
Hoping Procrastinators?
Confused Fog-Buyers?
Lie Buyers?
Guilt Volunteers?
Tenuous Timids?
Scared Sheet-less?
Plan-less Bumblers?
Hope-Is-My-Plan'ers?
Coaster Riders?


Your choice.

Most of the time I think it is "Completely devastated and lost-right-now'ers"

Tell ya'll what; I remember feeling just about insane. Like real, multiple personality disorder, insane. Like schizophrenic with paranoid delusions insane. Like 7 distinct voices in my head yelling all the time in my head insane.

Gonna work the censor here;


It was weird as [censored] that I could recognize and "hear" 7 distinct voices in my head loud, clear, and distinct. My personality was literally fractured. Not saying literally as a modifier - every voice in my head was a distinct portion of the whole, and it was the weirdest [censored] I have ever experienced in my life.

Sorry censor, but there is no other way to talk about that...

I just remember being on high alert after finding out for sure. I was awake three whole nights snooping without any daytime naps and it was NOT a problem due to the adrenaline.

When people talked to me about other stuff though, I just couldn't listen.

this made me go back and read my first couple of posts- i was a mess, and obviously didnt hear all of the advice i was given. susie told me a few time to do the poly, i didnt do it until over a month+ later, so many other wrote things that i didnt even acknowledge, sorry.

its alot to process in the beginning and alot to regain trust in anyone who is telling you what to do, not matter how right you are. you cant focus and you dont believe anything.

i was also on high alert, crazed, not sleeping, adrenaline pumping, not eating, determined but out of focus.
(so bad that i had an alarm system put in, had my security team at function that i was hosting block all uninvited guests, in case stalker showed) yes crazy!!!

that seems to have lasted a long time for me (the whole trickle truth didnt help) and still rears it ugly head once in awhile, i had to stop reading it was too upsetting.

so i can see your frustration, but please keep trying, something will sink in...

I remember being at work and getting feeling nausea... but not in my stomach.

I had the feeling of nausea in my heart. As in just left of my sternum, about an inch and a half above my xyphoid.

Not like it was forever ago, but only so many things have really burned into my memory - that one was one, as I wondered if it was going to get worse, and if I may have been having a heart attack at 32...

Eating was impossible. Food was nauseating to look at.

HHH, it is my opinion that my triage training/experience helped me during those dark days. You as well?

I was able to make priority lists (mostly) and attack one item at a time (mostly). That is, until night time, when I (mostly) went into a dizzying tailspin of emotional downpour.

Elder care.

You see someone who has reached a point where breathing is all they have left in life... and it dwarfs even the worst of your problems.

I had a couple LOLs that absolutely no family to speak of who were totally dependent on care staff... and that was in the assisted living.

I don't feel I have the right to feel sorry for myself yet. I haven't earned it.

As far your question, Pep; what do you think my 7 voices were doing. I think I named all 7 once... I could at that time; there was the angry, the hurt, the logical, the loving, the denier... and I didn't even crawl in a bottle...

While it isn't necessary (according to Dr. Harley) for a WW to assume full responsibility for her affair to have a full and rich recovery, it was one thing that I had to have.

That is where the nurse kicked in; we have a disease, here are the causes, here are the symptoms, here is what happens if you don't manage the disease, here is how we manage it. Then, we take as long as it takes until we can demonstrate knowledge of managing the disease.

And... that is where I am out of consensus to this day. As far as I'm concerned, blaming douchenozzle for the A is equivalent to blaming a donut for giving a diabetic high blood sugar; wouldn't happen if the diabetic didn't eat the donut....

I Have to contribute to this thread..

My experience in my marriages, especially the last, and my survival of said marriages, has to do with my upbringing, and the same experience as a child...

Same experiences, just different people..a re-run, with new personalities attached..

And the reflection of my lost and never found connection with my poor father, God rest his soul, has always been the relationship I have sought..

Life is for living, and for the living, and hope springs eternally..

God Bless the people who have contributed here, and shared the truth here, as they are the strengths we stand on.

Im proud to call myself a member of this community

Expecting the best future posible..Thank you all

It's like your whole world has shifted and you don't know what is real...and what is not. From your spouse's gaslighting to people trying to tell you he is a gaslighting you.

Even a year out...I question my reality and think "did that really happen?"