You're right. He is 'handling' you, but you allow it.

Wouldn't that be just as damaging to your marriage?

Past history or not, normal women are horrendously offended by their husbands gawking at other women, and normal, decent husbands do not do this, because it hurts the person that they promised to love and protect above all others.

You are getting great advice.

This above really jumped out at me.

With this background, you need to understand, this is not just "out of the blue without his initiating it" -- that IS betrayed spouse fog. Your H is actively pursuing getting his needs met outside of M. This doesn't just happen (multiple As) to a WS by accident.

Unless he has been poly'd, I am certain -- CERTAIN! -- you do not have the full truth about the extent of these affairs (what happened and if there are more).

My own personal experience and from what I have seen over and over on the forum, waywards with this type of background (long history of having a secret second life and multiple affairs), the BS doesn't get the full truth until they schedule the poly. I can't emphasize this enough.

POLY, make sure this is part of the recovery plan you present to him...

Yes Markos it is very damaging.

Thanks for pointing this out from a guys perspective Markos.

SusieQ, I realize that yes I'm getting some really good advice here, but what really seems to be lost is direct answers to the questions that I ask. I'm not in a fog, I'm not in denial, I know what my DH is capable of. And yes, when the 2 times that the exGFs contacted him it was by their initiating it, not his. He's capable of being a selfish insensitive jerk who has cheated in one form or another. In any form it's all the same to me emotionally.

Would it be easier if I posted my whole history of every detail I know/have had with him? The details of all of the A's (of any type) is neither here nor there. I have not deluded myself into thinking that he is never again capable of another one, which is why I haven't trusted him in the last 4 years.

So again, please, at what point would I tell him the advice that Pep gave? Now or wait until I catch him looking at other women again?

I'm really not trying to be dense here, I get and agree with most of what's been said, but I am the type of person that overanalyzes everything therefore I need reasons and detailed info to make sure I understand everything beforehand otherwise I just botch it all up.

Wasn't one of his affairs with someone he met through work?

Besides you missed my point -- this type of person (SSL & poor boundaries/multiple affairs, crossing the line with the opposite sex) -- it would very imprudent for you to think you have the full story about what he has been doing behind your back.

Do it now.

And I would get a VARs, GPS and a keylogger too. I realise you are snooping somewhat, phone records etc, but its not really the adequate level of snooping post affair with someone who displays piss-poor boundaries.

Would you really be shocked if you overheard him flirting with someone on the phone when you weren't in earshot? I wouldn't.

I'm curious why you think you need a specific opportunity to ask your spouse to help make you safer?

If we need our spouse to do something for us, we speak up.

Is this because you are always getting a defensive reaction when you ask for his help or to modify his behaviour?

Remember you will phrase it as a RESPECTFUL request. No hint of moodiness, tears or even apprehensiveness. Bright and businesslike.

If he gets defensive, you're very busy and have to dash. Don't hang around to get caught in his anger-trap

Once you've made your request, your part is done and its his job to resolve your complaint.

Thank you Indie!

Tell us how you get on.

Remember the brighter and calmer and brisker you are, the better.

You're not really interested in hanging around for excuses and blame if he's not up for it.

You're very busy

Feigning offense at your hurt feelings is more indication that he doesn't care about your feelings. He does this to throw you off balance. You don't control your triggers...........BUT HE DOES.

And he doesn't care.