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#2675415 10/18/12 04:23 PM
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Nikkole Offline OP
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Any advice on how to make a marriage work when the I (the wife) works first shift and my husband works second shift? Because he works at night, he is constanly going out after work with his friends and normally doesn't come home until 3-4 am. When I experss my concerns about him out all night long, he says I'm being selfish for wanting him home. He says it shouldn't matter that he goes out all night because I'm asleep anyways. I'm not sure why it bothers me but am I being selfish?

Just a FYI...we've been married 11 months.

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Welcome to MB Nikkole. You have every right to be concerned and no your not being selfish. Your concerns are sending you a red flag. Its hard to have a marriage when your both just passing ships in the wind. Dr.harley says that in order to sustain romantic love you need 15 hours a week of undivided attention. How much time do you guys get together?

I think you should quietly snoop on your hubbys computer activity to see if he is up to no good. Slap a Keylogger on the PC.

HAve you read any of the concepts here? Basics? I suggest you read them ... and then come back and ask some more questions. WE can help you.

MNG

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These are very good questions, Nikkole:

Originally Posted by MrNiceGuy
Dr.harley says that in order to sustain romantic love you need 15 hours a week of undivided attention. How much time do you guys get together?

...

HAve you read any of the concepts here? Basics? I suggest you read them ... and then come back and ask some more questions. WE can help you.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Nikkole Offline OP
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Yes, I read the concepts but the only time my husband will spend with me is on the weekends. I offer to stay up until he comes home but he wants to go out instead. I get the impression that he feels spending at least one hour together after he gets off is a waste (that might not be true but thats what I'm getting). But he did ask me to stop by his work place on my way home from work. (He works in a theater as a performer so I'm allowed to bug him but he can't come to my workplace because I work for a company that manufactures Military devices and only employees are allowed in the building. Guests have to be approved through corporate before entering). This is an argurment that is repeated often. I think he's in the withdrawal stage because he doesn't even want to try and work things out and says he's tired of arguing about the same thing which I'm tired of it also. I'm still in the conflict stage (as always) pretty much begging him to stay and work things out which then makes me feel like I'm forcing him to stay. Everytime we get in an arguement, his solution is divorce and I come out feeling like I'm always the problem. I love this man and don't want to walk away from him so I'm just purly lost. I'm sorry, to answer your question we'll spend Saturday morning/afternoon before he goes to work together and pretty much all day Sunday together. We try to call each other throughout the day and night during the week. We just started working opposite shifts in April and neither of us knows how to handle it. We have managed to go on dates and I was finally successful in telling him to leave his cell phone at home during the dates. I know women like conversation but there's a lot of times where we have nothing to talk about; is that a bad sign?

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Originally Posted by Nikkole
I offer to stay up until he comes home but he wants to go out instead.

Thats a pretty big red flag to me. Married men don't or shouldn't be going out all the time without their wives .. married men should be building a family and spending wuality time with their wives. Why wouldn't a man .. who JUSt got married NOT want to spend time with his wife? Doesn't sit right with me. Your hubby going out without you is whats called an independent behaviour. Its a Love Buster. Does he not value your feelings? Seems your hubby has a need for recreation.. who is he having this need met with? IT SHOULD BE YOU!

Working seperate shifts will be a marriage killer .. YOu need to figure out a way to put your shifts in the same time frame otherwise you will grow apart very quickly.

How long have you two been together? Do you have any kids? Did you live together before you married?

Originally Posted by Nikkole
But he did ask me to stop by his work place on my way home from work. (He works in a theater as a performer so I'm allowed to bug him but he can't come to my workplace..

If that is a recent change ... working in theater .. I would be weary of who he is going out with. Does he spend any amount of time with any other women when he "goes out"?

Originally Posted by Nikkole
I think he's in the withdrawal stage because he doesn't even want to try and work things out and says he's tired of arguing about the same thing which I'm tired of it also. I'm still in the conflict stage (as always) pretty much begging him to stay and work things out which then makes me feel like I'm forcing him to stay. Everytime we get in an arguement, his solution is divorce and I come out feeling like I'm always the problem.

THis is another red flag to me, especially the part i put in bold... I have a funny suspicion hes having an affair already and has a point of comparison. It may only be an emotional affair .. or a lady friend he complains to about you. If you Lovebust your hubby (and he you) .. it withdraws love units .. eventually if you keep doing that .. you will literally hate eachother. So .. I would begin PLAN A ... and quietly snoop while he feels comfortable that your meeting his emotional needs and find a way to put your jobs on the same time schedual.

Have you filled out an emotional needs questionair? There is a link at the top of the page. Also the love busters one is good too. However .. I would rule out an affair before you tell your hubby of this site.

Originally Posted by Nikkole
I know women like conversation but there's a lot of times where we have nothing to talk about; is that a bad sign?

I would find out what his emotional needs are ... print out the questionairs x2 and exchange them after you fill them out. However .. DO NOT love bust if you dont like the answers. I am betting your hubby has a high need for admiration. There is also a recreational inventory where you two can fill it out and find out what you both like ... your activites should be that which you BOTH enjoy enthusiasticly. If either one of you is not enthusiastic about the particular recreation .. its a no go ... NEXT.

Keep reading .. and asking questions .. and answeeing peoples questions as honestly and openly as you can so we can provide the help and support you need to get the ball rolling.

MNG




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Nikkole Offline OP
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The field I work in is mainly first shift positions and his is night shift. I have started applying for work from home jobs in hopes that would help out a bit. We have been together for three years, married 11 months. We have no children and we did live together before we were married. He says he's not cheating on me when he goes out so that's why he doesn't see a problem with it. From what he tells me, he's going out with his guy friends who are single by the way. How do I snoop without him knowing? I've thought about him having an affair and considered hiring a private investigator but wouldn't that be too much?

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You can install a keylogger on the computer ... there is a section in the forum called operation investigate. Your hubbys single friends seem like a bad influnence. BTW .. waywards lie .. many waywards here told their BS's that they wer in fact no cheating. ITs not lack of trust that ruins marriages .. its too much trust. Snoop til you feel you can trust him or are so bored from doing so.. Can you get a hold of his phone? YOu can put spyware on his phone that sends you a copy of everything in going and out going from it. Does your hubby have all his stuff on lock down? Phone .. PC .. laptops. Does he have facebook? Does he seemingly hide things and claim its his personal space?

Check this link out ..

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8121_snoop.html - Snooping in marriage .. is it right or wrong?

Edit to add link to cheap keylogger www.desktopshark.com you can try it free for a few days .. then you have to pay for it. 10$ gets you one licence 50$ gets you unlimited installs and licences.

MNG

Last edited by MrNiceGuy; 10/18/12 06:20 PM.
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Here is an article on Plan A and Plan B... You should be in Plan A while your snooping .. and NO lovebusting. Anytime you love bust you will drain the love bank back down into the negative ... your love banks are in the red and it doesnt take much to keep it there. Low love bank balances will send your spouse into withdrawl and that will cause either one of you to not want to meet the others needs. SO avoid it at all costs.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

edit to add : please remember this is a process .. and nothing changes over night. Its hard work .. but DEF worth fighting for. This year has been the best year of my marriage since both my wife and I are on board with MB.

Last edited by MrNiceGuy; 10/18/12 06:25 PM.
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Has your hubby ever said .. I love you, but I am not in love with you during any of your arguments?

edit: also ... if you DO find something that resembles an affair .. DO NOT CONFRONT HIM.. bring it here. We will guide you on the next steps and help you formulate a plan.

Last edited by MrNiceGuy; 10/18/12 06:39 PM.
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Nikkole Offline OP
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He has made that exact comment during an arguement about him being out all night about two months ago. What's that mean?

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I love you but not in love with you 99% of the time means an affair .. frown Either an emotional one .. or a physical one. Sorry to say.

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here ... check this link... as well as the other stuff i posted to you on the first page.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2169497#Post2169497 - wayward fog babble decoded


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