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May be the hardest part. I LOVE my wife...

Well, let's look at this. Well I don't know what her characteristics were when you were courting, and first married. She may have had all the "lovable" charms that a smitten suitor could have wanted.

As for today's little bundle of goodies? What I see from waaay out here is a woman who has shown very little commitment to the concept of fidelity in marriage, whose actions attach a HIGH degree of doubt to the paternity of her child (Just between us, I think "inconclusive" is lawsuit protection for "You ain't the daddy, sucker!"), and after being shown to be a liar and cheat, plays the old "You have to trust me(?) or we have no future together!" card when ye olde polygraph is mentioned. Is that about right?

If so, then I would say that anyone who professes to "love" that amalgam of poisons and slime is a fool. You don't sound like a fool, so stop confusing loving who she was with loving who she is!

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I just finished reading the Sue Betty Crocker post (now I don't remember where I found it!)... I realize that is exactly what I'm doing and is probably why my marriage has been the way it has for the past 7 years...

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The guy that I spoke of above (other co-worker who was pursing my W and she was supposedly deflecting his advances) was fired from the company last week.

Last edited by BrokenHeartFool; 08/27/12 12:55 PM. Reason: Spelling
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Here is the exposure correspondence that I intend to send to the co-workers wife:

Dear XXX,

Earlier this year (my W) informed me in that she had been in an affair with a co-worker at (Employer) in 2005. In our discussion, she also revealed that (her husband) had been actively pursing her for over a year around 2010. (Her husband) was telling (my wife) that he could treat her so much better and make her so much happier than I could. He was also giving my 4 yr old son a bunch of fishing equipment. According to (my Wife) (HR people) noticed some of the inappropriate emails. After they (HR) went back through the email history (all emails are logged), (her husband) was called in and "written up". (My wife) was also called in and asked why she never reported any of the verbal or written communications to HR. (My wife) maintains that she deflected all advances and encouraged (her husband) to direct that energy toward his own marriage. (her husband) had also burned a "mix cd" of love songs that he gave (my wife). (my wife) maintains that she took the cd to another co-worker to see what was on it, then threw it in the trash.

I met with (owner) in February and discussed the inappropriate behavior among employees in his company. (Owner) confirmed that (her husband) had certainly been sending "the emails" and was called in and asked to stop.

(Her husband) confronted (my wife) back in February or March about a text he recieved from someone which said something about leave my wife alone or I will tell your wife all I know. He assumed that I must have sent the text. I did not. (My wife) was not honest with me about that conversation with (her husband). (My wife) first told me that she only said she didn't know if I sent it. I found out the next day that they had a full discussion as to why (my wife) told me about her affair and why she told me about (her husband)'s advances.

Maybe (her husband) had already made you aware of this; maybe not. My reason for making you aware of this situation is to make sure we both have accurate descriptions of the events and to make sure it is stopped in its tracks as (my wife) says it was. If there is anything here that (her husband) disputes, please contact me as I would like to get it all cleared up. I feel it is in the best interest of both our marriages.

(BHF)

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I still need to work on exposure correspondence to send to OM's current fiancee and baby momma.

At this point being its almost 5 years since they divorced (OM and his wife at the time), I don't feel that I should send and exposure correspndence to his ex-wife. She is re-married and has a child. She and the OM were engaged when the EA and first PA encounters were going on and were married while the contact continued. I tired to tell her that something wasnt' quite right back in 2005 and again later, but she wrote me off as a crazy person for the most part.

I also need to talk to W's parents. I think I owe them the courtesy of a face to face. W confessed 1 day, 1 time with OM to her mother the day after she came clean to me, but has not told her mother since that she is still lying. I don't know, but would highly suspect that her mother has not told her father any of it.

Any thoughts??

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Yeah, don't stop with her parents. Inform her siblings, cousins, friends, EVERYBODY, of her actions. (Make a special goal of telling anyone to whose child WW is Godparent!) You never know which character might be the one to fire the magic bullet that terminates her deceitful fantasy.

And btw - You still need finality to the paternity question.

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No other comments on the Exposure letter?

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I was confused by the way it was written (her husband, etc.). It's hard for me to follow so I decided not to comment.


Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
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Originally Posted by kaycstamper
I was confused by the way it was written (her husband, etc.). It's hard for me to follow so I decided not to comment.

Same here (tho I inserted fake names lol). Maybe be a little more...succint? I also don't know if the third paragraph is necessary. The one about the phone call or text. I think the less details the better as they will be lost in the shock of it anyway, KWIM? Maybe suggest she call you and then you can talk about the details.

Last edited by Rocketqueen; 08/28/12 02:15 PM.
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I'm back. I admit that I have not followed the Marriage Builder advice like I should have. My marriage is still poor. WW has agreed to work through the Marriage Builders program with me. I expect that she will come to the forum, but I do not intend to give her my username yet. I want her to look around and start her own thread.

With the above said, let me tell you how we got to this "current" point...

Mutual friend of ours that is a female sent me a couple e-cards via text (were sent to mass recipients, not just me). They were meant to be humorous; one said something about a gal begging forgiveness for her past 5 or 6 affairs. She then texted back a few minutes later and asked that I delete it so it didn't offend my WW when she saw it. I told her I would delete it and did. Later in the I showed one to my WW and told her that the friend had asked me to delete the other one. It was alot later in the evening when i finally found a copy of the e-card I had deleted and showed it to my WW. I didn't feel right "hiding" it from her. Honesty is always the best policy, but obviously it isn't always the easiest...


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WW texted the friend and told her that the two texts she sent were funny. I was in trouble with the friend bc I showed the one to WW. I explained to the friend (all this was via text) that I didn't feel comfortable hiding it from my WW. All was fine again until my WW demanded to see our cell bill online. It is not something that is secret; WW has always had access to it as well as my phone. Came home from a meeting a couple nights ago and WW didn't say much. She ended up not saying anything and went and slept in a spare bedroom in the basement. I went to bed a while later. When I walked into the bathroom, there sat both our wedding rings along with a note and a copy of our cell bill with all my ingoing and outgoing texts to our friend. Averaged about 300 per month that I had sent. WW was flipping out.

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So you are now having an emotional affair with a mutual friend?

How long has this been going on?

schtoop #2678654 11/01/12 09:10 AM
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I do not agree that I am/was having an emotional affair with the friend. I text people constantly; client's, friends, family, WW. My phone is available for WW to see any of the texts on the phone. I agree that it doesn't look good. There were two "conversations" that had been deleted between our friend and myself. One involved WW's OM at a party the friend was at. I told the friend that I wouldn't stand there with either her or her spouse's affair partner (there have been none on their part that I know of) if I was in the same situation. Convo was deleted so WW didn't go off about me being crappy about the OM. Second deleted convo was about a co-worker of WW that was causing problems.

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Friend and her husband are both firends of ours. I have been "out" with friend and her husband without my WW on several occasions; all at WW's own choice. I have never put myself into a situation where I am out alone with friend one of our spouses is always out too; I want no confusion to anyone that there could even be a possibility of "something" going on. Later in the evening after the "funny" texts were sent, I went into town to a bar & grill to meet the friend and her spouse and some other friends. They had invited us out earlier in the day since our son was staying with my in-laws. Wife wanted to go pick our son up, so we did. When we returned home it was about 10:30 pm. I went into town to meet the group; WW stayed at home with our son. When I arrived a group of WW's co-workers were there as well as her boss. I spent the majority of the evening interacting with WW's co-workers and went home about 2 am.

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Originally Posted by BrokenHeartFool
I do not agree that I am/was having an emotional affair with the friend. I text people constantly; client's, friends, family, WW. My phone is available for WW to see any of the texts on the phone. I agree that it doesn't look good. There were two "conversations" that had been deleted between our friend and myself. One involved WW's OM at a party the friend was at. I told the friend that I wouldn't stand there with either her or her spouse's affair partner (there have been none on their part that I know of) if I was in the same situation. Convo was deleted so WW didn't go off about me being crappy about the OM. Second deleted convo was about a co-worker of WW that was causing problems.
So did you ever expose your WW's affair?

Do you think it's appropriate for you to be texting other women? Whether she is a mutual friend of yours and your WW?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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WW and I had a long argument/discussion about this for almost 4 hours yesterday. She told me she didn't like the number of texts that were going in and out from the friend. I understand her perception, but also know that there is nothing going on.

Through the discussion WW's affair was brought up and the complete lack of resolution to it. As I said before, she feels we need to just move forward and that she doesn't need to answer anymore questions about it. there are many parts of her timeline that do not fit and its very obvious.

WW agreed to look at Marriage Builders. Said she had the site bookmarked but just hadn't had time to look into it. I am in hope that we can complete the entire program and have a great marriage, but I've learned to be pessemistic about the whole situation.

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BH,

I exposed the affair but not to "everyone" and not all at once. We have had false recoveries several times. I failed on the exposure front.

I've been through this site and the books...I've read the stories and the advice about not texting or having friends of the opposite sex. I guess I stepped right in the middle of it. My answer to your question would be yes, I felt it was appropriate for me to be texting a friend who was a female. I text her husband as well, but he is not a "texter" so there are not very many messages to him. I completely understand the perception. I thought it was a non-issue since she is a mutual friend and because the majority of the texts were available for my WW to see. As I said, there were 2 convo's deleted. i know it looks bad.

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BHF, I believe that you honestly believe there is nothing going on with with this friend of yours and your wife's.

But, your wife has every reason to be upset about it because at the very least, you are on a slippery slope. Let me point out all the red flags:

!) Shear number of texts...300 per month! That's 10 per day, probably greater than the number I text my Fiancee' and we are deeply in love!

2) The nature of text messaging...By its very nature, texting is an intimate communication between only two people that is private from other eyes or ears. Friendly conversation in a group setting with this woman or with your spouses present is fine, but that is not how it is with texting.

3) Sharing intimate details of you marriage...I'm sure you have been doing this privately with this woman, and it is a big no-no according to Dr. Harley.

Your wife has every right to be concerned, no one would feel safe in a marriage where their spouse texts constantly day and night to another woman.

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Originally Posted by BrokenHeartFool
BH,

I exposed the affair but not to "everyone" and not all at once. We have had false recoveries several times. I failed on the exposure front.

I've been through this site and the books...I've read the stories and the advice about not texting or having friends of the opposite sex. I guess I stepped right in the middle of it. My answer to your question would be yes, I felt it was appropriate for me to be texting a friend who was a female. I text her husband as well, but he is not a "texter" so there are not very many messages to him. I completely understand the perception. I thought it was a non-issue since she is a mutual friend and because the majority of the texts were available for my WW to see. As I said, there were 2 convo's deleted. i know it looks bad.
I agree with schtoop.

My WH's affair started exactly like this. My WH and her BH were mutual friends and the BH wasn't a big texter either. Then it turned into hell.

So what are you going to do to secure these boundaries of yours up?

What EPs has your WW put in place?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by BrokenHeartFool
WW and I had a long argument/discussion about this for almost 4 hours yesterday. She told me she didn't like the number of texts that were going in and out from the friend. I understand her perception, but also know that there is nothing going on.

Your wife is feeling threatened, and for good reason. Her gut instinct is saying that there is a threat to her marriage and there is.

At the end of the day, whether you know there is nothing going on (yet, if you consider constant texting with an OS friend 'nothing') is irrelevant, if your wife is uncomfortable with it that is the only thing that is relevant.

Protect your marriage and your wifes love bank for you and get rid of this OS friend.

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