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At one point we were both deleting people from FB & he said if we deleted her all three of us would have to (our oldest daughter clicked with her) & I STUPIDLY said no. Because I have no direct evidence, I didn't want to screw up the relationship his cousin has with her (they are on the path to marriage). I mean know it was not an EA with ILUs exchanged, but more like what are you eating for lunch, etc. It's just I don't want any female involved in my husband's life! And it may not even be her! It's just something was "off".

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So, what things can your husband do to help you feel trust sooner?

Practice transparency: keep you fully informed about his schedule, whereabouts, and who is with him. Reveal to you all email passwords, bank accounts, PIN numbers, etc. Invite you to check up on him using any means necessary, and if he notices you checking up on him, reassure you that this is okay. (My wife put a keylogger on my computer; I told her I was glad about it.)

Practice honesty: always tell the truth, do not conceal or change any details in order to "protect" you. Do not erase messages. Do not try to prevent misunderstandings, but simply tell the truth.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Thank you Markos & everyone for the advice & information.

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Originally Posted by sigh4now
At one point we were both deleting people from FB & he said if we deleted her all three of us would have to (our oldest daughter clicked with her) & I STUPIDLY said no.

You can change your mind.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by sigh4now
Does he have opposite sex friends? No, not really. All of my gut feelings point to his cousin's out of state girlfriend. She's very needy & "cutesy" & online all the time & very caught up with my family - my kids, etc. It is most likely innocent, but it's still annoying. I'm sure if she's flattered him, he has enjoyed it. I finally deleted & blocked her from my FB so I didn't have to see her dumb comments.

Ask him to cut off contact with her, and then see what his reaction is.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by sigh4now
about him running errands now after setting up an account on a local affair website (even if it was short-lived - under 10 minutes!).

Be assured that this was not simply a ten minute mistake. There was more before, and there has been more after. He goes on about "trust" and "insecurities" because he is gaslighting you - trying to make it out that you are the problem instead of his untrustworthy behavior.

Originally Posted by sigh4now
my insecurities about him running errands now after setting up an account on a local affair website (even if it was short-lived - under 10 minutes!).

Nobody is supposed to be secure after their spouse has an affair! That would not be normal. That would indicate a need for therapy, drugs, or hospitalization! How could anyone feel secure after such a thing? Either he is crazy to expect you to feel secure in the light of that, or else he is intentionally trying to deflect attention away from his misdeeds and try to make you think you are the problem so he can get away with it.

If he wants you to feel secure, he has to take actions that make you secure.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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"Trust is an emotion. You can't force yourself to feel it. You have to create the right psychological environment to bring it about. The way to do that is with evidence: trust (the emotion) is built over time when repeated evidence adds up to trust being a reasonable conclusion for your emotions. And how can you do that if you aren't looking at the evidence?"


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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sigh4now, I highly encourage you to follow MelodyLane's suggestions and find out the truth. Based on his behavior and beating you up about not feeling the way he wants you to, I think it is highly likely that there is a lot he is not telling you.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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An excellent show after a BW finds a text on her WH's phone, Harleys discuss trust.

Tell us what you think.
Radio clip
Segment #2
Segment #3
Segment #4


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I'll listen to the links later - had a park play date, now car pool. Has anyone tried spy bubble for the iPhone? I quickly googled & it looks like I can easily download it to his phone.

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Originally Posted by sigh4now
I'll listen to the links later - had a park play date, now car pool. Has anyone tried spy bubble for the iPhone? I quickly googled & it looks like I can easily download it to his phone.
Here about spy bubble.
Phone Recorders


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Also, what if he has one on me? I swear I've felt "watched", but I have nothing to hide & never have.

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If you have nothing to hide then there's no reason to fear being watched.

If he catches any spying tools, just say its part of your efforts to help clear his name. Smile and say you have LOTS of ideas of how he can EARN your trust!

Blindly trusting someone who has flirty contacts on FB, didn't want to delete her, and joined an affair website!!! Nooo. Can't believe he can ask for that with a straight face.

Joining a site like that is NOT a ten min decision. I've done some stupid things while angry, but never came close to making a conscious choice to be wayward...

It only takes ten mins to ruin.a family.



Phrases:

"Its very easy for you to earn my trust"

"I am eager for you to earn my trust"

"I am not insecure. I am alert"

"Your behaviour on occasion is not trustworthy"

"Please do not make decisions without my input"

"I trust your judgement, but we need to use my judgement too"

"Do not make decisions for me"

"I will be very happy when you regain my trust"


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted by sigh4now
Also, what if he has one on me?

That would be perfectly okay, wouldn't it? My wife had a keylogger on me for over a year until that laptop crashed and I had to get it replaced. She may have one on my now; I don't actually know.

You can build his feeling of trust for you by being willing to be open and transparent with him. And vice versa.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Yes it's fine if he does, but then he'll be reading this so any efforts to log keystrokes will be lost!

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Like everyone has said, try not to let him release..but its not a disaster if he does.

You'll have multiple spying techniques.

Though Op Investigate forum may have some tips on how to check if anything is spying already.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted by sigh4now
Yes it's fine if he does, but then he'll be reading this so any efforts to log keystrokes will be lost!

For many wh's, just knowing you're under a potential spotlight can be a deterrent. Remember the philospohy that human beings tend to be unfaithful in certain circumstances. So the circumstances of having a potential keylogger on your computer, gps on your car, and a drone 2 miles in the sky watching your every move are sometimes enough to take the fun out of sneaking around.

A marriage can survive the scrutiny of one spouse (or both); even clandestine scrutiny. Most do NOT survive infidelity.

opt


Me: 43 y.o. BFWH, D-day 11/11/09 (NC since 9/01)
Divorce from WW final 9/16/10.
Current Status: MB-based Marriage to Nature Girl 12/8/12 (first date on 12/11/10)
Mine: S(16), D(11)
NatureGirls: S(23), D(21)
Another EA Story
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I cannot figure the software out! If his phone isn't jailbroken, I can't apply a keylogger, right? Do I dare jailbreak a work phone?

I tried a free one on mine first just to see how it works & that's a disaster. The icon is still on my phone & I can't get rid of it.

I need a step by step iphone keylogger "for dummies".

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Originally Posted by sigh4now
I cannot figure the software out! If his phone isn't jailbroken, I can't apply a keylogger, right? Do I dare jailbreak a work phone?

I tried a free one on mine first just to see how it works & that's a disaster. The icon is still on my phone & I can't get rid of it.

I need a step by step iphone keylogger "for dummies".
Have you seen this?
Iphone help


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Okay spy bubble seems the easiest to follow, but I guess an iPhone 5 can't be jailbroken yet?

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