Your welcome. Thats the beauty of MB there are many MBers who understand and are willing to read and offer encouragement and support.

You've got to tell everyone else who might influence her. Her family, your family, her friends, etc. Find the OM and tell his family and friends too.

It's called exposure and she will be mad as a hornet but don't take the anger too seriously. Exposure has the potential to snap her back to reality.

Don't do things because you fear how she might react. The angrier she is, the better because it means you're getting to her.

EXPOSE TO EVERYONE ASAP and ask for their support in recovering your marriage.

In other words, her anger is a good sign. Don't assume this is the end. You are fighting a battle here and it's just begun.

Listening to her babble or trying to read her body language will only psyche you out. Work on your side of this (and expose!) and let her be mad as hell. she's behaved very badly and somewhere inside she knows it. let her feel the pain and shame.

The thing is, soon our marriage will be over if she doesn't start to turn toward me. She has been with only 3 people in her life and I think she will do a lot of exploring so I don't think it will matter if David is around. I have always felt sex was the most intimate and special part of the relationship because of the connections made. I have never viewed it as anything else. I am an attractive man and have had chances to be with numerous women before my marriage but I went almost 10 years without it until I met my W. If she sleeps with other men then I don't think I could ever get past it. I don't know what counselling would be like but I can't see it being able to get me past that betrayal.

I am very exhausted from everything that has happened in the last 5 days and my body is breaking down on me. My mind is scrambled and I am having a hard time even functioning let alone being strong or happy. I find the strength for my kids somehow but I can't focus on the relationship issues at all. Find myself guessing and second guessing everything. There is so far to go yet and I don't know if I have the strength to get thru much more.

Steel yourself downs!!! Please keep in your forethought, that you cannot control her or any decision she makes. You can focus on you, making the changes to be the best you,etc..... When they are in their fantasy fog, they really are not thinking logically. Addicts will sacrifice everything when they are in this fog, and seemingly not care!!

So, just know that you really have no control, so if you can find some solace in that. I really hope that once you can accept that, that you can then start focusing on what you can control, and that is you, your bond with your children, designing the life that you want for your self and your children that will make you happy while she is not in it. That doesn't mean forget her, but for now, you can't make her be in it. That might sound harsh, but I hope you can get it so you quit wearing yourself out trying to control her feelings, change her feelings, make her see the light, b/c you can't. Your best chance of her "seeing the light" (breaking her fog) is exposure. I know that sounds counter productive, but it is NOT. It is your best chance to put a damper on her little easy, fun, feel good, no responsibility, no real life problems, fantasy!!! NO relationship is that easy. She is living a fantasy and doesn't realize that it isn't real b/c her "feelings" are real.

Break her fog. Stand up for yourself, your children, your family, your marriage and let her feel the consequences of her choices. There is nothing like shame, embarassment, truth, people knowing the truth you've been hiding to make her re-evaluate everything because it brings real life pain and problems to the fantasy. Those things aren't supposed to be in her fantasy. She escaped real-life by having the affair.

Don't shield her from the pain. She HAS to suffer it for it to do it's job. I know this sounds harsh, but you are dealing with an addict here. There are VERY strong chemicals, hormones and DEEP desires driving this for her. When an addict will give up everything to have their fix, you know that you pale in comparison, but that IS because they are sick.

Not sure if anyone mentioned it yet but I think you should see your Dr. about getting on some antidepressants. This will help you keep a cooler head during all this stress and will help you to feel better as well.

@ Littlebit3 - Thank you and you're right. The only hang up is that when I had my EA with my EW I didn't even realize I was doing it and when my friend finally made me realize what was really going on I immediately went (I did it, of my own accord and enthusiastically) to my W to explain that I now understood and would stop all communication unless it dealt with my son from EW. This took care of the issue and we were able to continue and talk openly about it. Neither of us said a word about divorce and we repaired the dmg that was done. My infidelity was truly an accident and was hurting my wife without my seeing why so I stopped it immediately even tho there was never any intention of developing feelings or getting physical. Her EA was to get attention and could have easily grown into a full PA and I asked it to stop immediately as mine did. She said it stopped and there was nothing going on blah blah blah. But what if she did stop, then what? If I expose her and tell everyone she was having an EA and it has actually stopped then I don't have a leg to stand on and I look like a fool and that kills any chance of saving it. She would have her divorce and she could then be free to do whatever/whoever she wanted. I would see her happy with other men and I would still be wishing we were together because I failed to believe her when she told me it had been terminated.

I feel like I'm walking through a minefield and I'm supposed to do it with a smile on my face. "IF" there is a path to get to the other side safely with my family I would have to make every right step but if I make just one bad decision, BOOM!! That is if there even is a path.

She has a network of support she talks to throughout the day and evening where as I don't. She was my friend to talk to. I have a few people that I can vent to but they can't really provide information that is effective in trying to obtain goals and solutions. Her friends are all divorced, separated and generally hate their ex's. Her closest friend is our neighbor and her husband is living in their basement and has been for two years. She has had multiple As and there is no chance of them reconciling. These are the people that my wife is talking to about our situation and I'm sure none of them are telling her how much I care for her or maybe we should try counseling again etc. I'm getting very discouraged.

@ Wonderingif - I have started to take some ADs and they seem to take the edge off and keep me from getting riled up but I think they hinder my ability to appear happy. I feel very depressed and defeated and like a failure but am trying not to show it.

Second this. Whether or not you can prove a PA, as far as kids are concerned is that your wife is dating OM.

There are a lot of variables here, but, I think that you should try to get some proof. For someone who isn't in an affair, wanting to divorce so strongly anyway, wanting to live separately so insistently, it could be that she is hiding an EA very well from you. Maybe not, but it would be pretty easy to hire a PI when you know where she is going to be. So, if you first verify whether she truly is having an EA or PA or not, THEN you know the path to take. This will take patience and planning on your part, but it shouldn't take to long to get the intel you need.

I may be way off here, but consider this.... You may not have made complete just compensation to your wife for your EA, which might have left her insecure, etc. Many problems would remain if you didn't give your wife the just compensation she needed and put the EP's (extrordinary precautions)in place that she needed to help her feel safe. If that is the case, then your marriage/relationship didn't fully recover from your EA.

She is hanging around people who do not provide a healthy example of marriage, so that is not good news. I hope that it offers you some solace to know that you have the absolute best people here guiding you and wanting to help you recover your marriage. It is amazing, isn't it, strangers helping eachother like this? I am so grateful for it. So many of the people here responding to you have been where you are, have made it through it, most have recovered their marriages, and have been helping people do just that for years. So, you really should find some peace in this!!

I would like you to try to quit hyper-focusing on your wife, what she wants, how to get her back, and start thinking about yourself. What do you want and need for yourself now? What are your children needing now? What little traditions or special things can you do with them now to meet their needs and take their minds off of the turmoil. These extra things will make them feel safe with you.

Keep strong downs. You WILL be just fine, even if you don't believe that right now.

Do a bavkgroujd check on David.
My wife had a "nice" friend and he turned out to be a convicted child abuser!
I encourage background checks and sometimes you will be shocked at what's on te report.

Also try to EXERCISe. Exercise KILLS depression.
And yes plan A your wife.

Any updates?
Did you do a background check on David?

No, we had a big blow out and she is blaming everything on me. She is so bad now that her oldest daughter called her Dad and had him pick her up because she saw what my WW is doing to the family. I have all but given up and I'm pretty much exhausted. My WW actually had the nerve to say "You never even wanted any of our children" right in front of our daughter. I give up, leaving it to God now. Only hope I see of saving this whole family is therapy and a lot of it. I have started getting my head back in the right place, been walking, reading, playing with the kids more etc. I can only take care of myself and my kids and that is what I am going to concentrate on now. I just hope she doesn't destroy our children's minds.

Did you finish your exposure?

Did you tell your children the truth?

I know you hurt right now, but now isn't the time to lay down.

You need to fight for the best interest of your children.

If you follow a plan, you will feel better.

How are you doing?

How can we help?