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My husb and I have been married for 9 years. We have 3 kids. He is AD army and he's been deployed for half of our marriage. When he's home I frequently find him texting other women. I can recall 3 prior to the most recent. he always deletes the texts or claims he can't remember what they were about.

A few days ago I discovered that while I go to practice (I have practice 4-5 days a week) he is texting some girl he works with. He deletes the texts but I confronted him and he can't remember what it was about.

I have been thought this with him so many times and we have had the discussion about Appropriate relationships repeatedly. He knows it's wrong IMO or he wouldn't have deleted the messages.

Upon discovery I was ready to pack up and leave. I'm sick of this life of stomach in knots and begging for the truth. I don't have to know what really happened to leave. I just can't say with 100% certainty that I love him. I feel an almost indifference because I have guarded myself against his secrets for so long.

I have introduced marriage builders methods to him (during his most recent deployment to Cuba when he refused to call me but swore he wasn't cheating). I told him that he needed to read the website and get to know it because it was our only chance at saving our marriage.....he read the zombie apocalypse survival guide instead.

It's been 3 days since I had said I was leaving. I play on a roller derby team and truthfully I didn't leave because I had practice the next day and my status on the team isn't transferable yet. Stupid I know. I want to leave. But the longer I am here the weaker I feel. He is full of lies and baloney. Empty promises and tantrums.

I kicked him out of our room cause I just didn't want to be near him. He keeps asking me if he can come back in cause he knows I feel guilty. Heist tying to wear me down and play on my own self doubt. Heh as done it successfully for many years.

I don't know what to do. Truthfully I have no desire to put a moments effort into our marriage. I just don't feel like I should have to do anymore. He hasn't lifted a finger for it and i am tired of being the only one concerned about its longevity.

Does this even make sense? What the heck am I struggling with? There are financial holes keeping me here too but if I really wanted to get away would my sports even matter? Ivetried so hard not to feel anything where he is concerned that I have finally gotten my wish and I have no idea what to do when I'm not acting on raw emotion. Am I supposed to be waiting for him to indicate that he does care? Its obvious through his actions that he doesn't. Nothing has changed since he got home in may. He mows the lawn now whereas before I was doing it. He helps around the house more. But when I leave the house he is texting other women. I don't understand what is going wrong and what the heck is left for me to do.
At insight anyone can offer would be nice.

Ps....we found out Friday that he is getting med boarded from the army within about a year. So that is another something I am chewing on.

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MissLady,

Has anything really changed since last February when you posted?

Please click the notify button at the bottom of the page and ask the moderator to move this thread to the surviving an affair forum, where you will get more answers/posts.

What is your question? Do you want to save your marriage or have you decided upon divorce?

AM


BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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Sorry my mistake. This is the second time I have posted here and have been advised not to post in the military marriage section. I will repost. And be more clear about what I am asking.

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Originally Posted by armymama
MissLady,

Has anything really changed since last February when you posted?

Please click the notify button at the bottom of the page and ask the moderator to move this thread to the surviving an affair forum, where you will get more answers/posts.

What is your question? Do you want to save your marriage or have you decided upon divorce?

AM

Did you see armymama's questions?

What are your answers?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



#2681546 11/09/12 06:23 PM
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LOOOOOOOOng story short: My husb is AD army. I've suspected he's cheated for years and it all blew up in his face. Now we are dealing with him having cheated with a girl in his unit and are trying to work it out. The PROBLEM: He has to work with her every single day. There was a no contact order inititally and now it has been lifted. How do we proceed without seperating him from her? I am not ok with it obviously. He is claiming commitment to the marriage but part of it is ending the affair where I am comfortable. He told me that he told her it was over and he has to focus on his family. All words. And I have to live with him seeing her everyday. What can I do?

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Originally Posted by MissLady
LOOOOOOOOng story short: My husb is AD army. I've suspected he's cheated for years and it all blew up in his face. Now we are dealing with him having cheated with a girl in his unit and are trying to work it out. The PROBLEM: He has to work with her every single day. There was a no contact order inititally and now it has been lifted. How do we proceed without seperating him from her? I am not ok with it obviously. He is claiming commitment to the marriage but part of it is ending the affair where I am comfortable. He told me that he told her it was over and he has to focus on his family. All words. And I have to live with him seeing her everyday. What can I do?
Sorry that you were correct about him having an affair.

Why would they lift the NC order? Have you talked to the IG yourself?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Since my last post in Feb he came home from Cuba and things were awful. We PCSed to a new location and within 4 months of arrivig he had a new girlfriend. I found the emails "I love you I miss you I can't wait to see your beautiful face....".

Divorce sounds like it sucks. We have three kids. I am willing to do what I need to to help our marriage but I don't think there's a whole lot more I can do. It has to come from him at this point. I am lost and I don't know what the right answer is. I am in pain. He completely neglected me for a year while in Cuba and then came home and immediately cheated on me. His actions say that he doesn't care to be maried but he is an expert liar. And he is saying that he wants us to work it out and that everything is going to be ok with us. But it's so not. He still works with this woman every day.

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Originally Posted by MissLady
Since my last post in Feb he came home from Cuba and things were awful. We PCSed to a new location and within 4 months of arrivig he had a new girlfriend. I found the emails "I love you I miss you I can't wait to see your beautiful face....".

Divorce sounds like it sucks. We have three kids. I am willing to do what I need to to help our marriage but I don't think there's a whole lot more I can do. It has to come from him at this point. I am lost and I don't know what the right answer is. I am in pain. He completely neglected me for a year while in Cuba and then came home and immediately cheated on me. His actions say that he doesn't care to be maried but he is an expert liar.
So do you want to try and save this marriage?

Why did they lift the NC order?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I declined to press charges in the matter because he is being med boarded. We live paycheck to paycheck as it is and an Article 15 wouldn't have been beneficial to me or my children. I did not talk to IG no. He told me that they lifted it yesterday.

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Originally Posted by MissLady
I declined to press charges in the matter because he is being med boarded. We live paycheck to paycheck as it is and an Article 15 wouldn't have been beneficial to me or my children. I did not talk to IG no. He told me that they lifted it yesterday.
Please hit notify and have your threads merged.

So do you want to save this marriage? It will be impossible with him in contact with OW everyday.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I am assuming that the reason they lifted the no contact order because it is an inconvenience to the unit. They developed this relationship because they were consistently paired up with one another. Alone in an FLA all the time, on ranges together. It's quite romantic really how the army could help such star crossed lovers come together. I'm still angry can you tell?
I do want to fix it. That woul be ideal. Do I believe it can be fixed.....? I don't know.

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Originally Posted by MissLady
I am assuming that the reason they lifted the no contact order because it is an inconvenience to the unit. They developed this relationship because they were consistently paired up with one another. Alone in an FLA all the time, on ranges together. It's quite romantic really how the army could help such star crossed lovers come together. I'm still angry can you tell?
I do want to fix it. That woul be ideal. Do I believe it can be fixed.....? I don't know.
Well friend, if you want to save this marriage you will have to step up and expose this affair.

Go to the IG and press charges.

How many OW has he had? Is this new OW3 married?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I feel it will be impossible with him in contact with her everyday. I suppose I was hoping some veteran would get on here and say I could go and ask that he be moved out of the unit for some other reason that won't cause an article 15. Is that a reality? Cause my reality right now is nothing but his promises to go to counseling and telling me he loves me using the same terms of endearment he used with her. The only difference is that he has (I think...again, hes a liar)told me everything about it. Any question I have he answers but that doesn't help with the daily contact thing. And Oh, he also says they never had sex......probably a lie but who knows.

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No, she is single and 26 no kids. Apparently now (after a week) she has become a lesbian since she can't have the man she wants. This is the 2nd OW. I knew about the 1st on instinct only. He NEVER EVER confessed. Until this one and then he told me that I was right about OW1 and he was sorrry that he deceived me and made me think I was crazy....

OW1 was 2.5 years ago.

Last edited by MissLady; 11/09/12 06:46 PM.
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As far as exposure is concerned, the entire unit knows already. I had a moments lapse of self control and shoulder checked her into a trash can in front of the entire unit. Command included. They alllll know. They just hadn't started an investigation because I said not to.

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Originally Posted by MissLady
No, she is single and 26 no kids. Apparently now (after a week) she has become a lesbian since she can't have the man she wants. This is the 2nd OW. I knew about the 1st on instinct only. He NEVER EVER confessed. Until this one and then he told me that I was right about OW1 and he was sorrry that he deceived me and made me think I was crazy....

OW1 was 2.5 years ago.
I would have him take a poly.

Have you been tested for STD? Instead of counseling how about MB coaching?

He will continue to gaslight you until he has to deal with the consequences. He is the one that chose to have the affair.

Until you stop protecting him, he will continue to not be held responsible.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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A poly? How would I even do that?
I've never been tested for an STD no.
I would LOVE to try MB coaching but if he can't be removed from her because of his job then is there even any hope?
He tells me everyday that he feels nothing for her at all. He doesn't know what it was but it's done....
As much as I would love to go to his command and have that process happen it will take everything and with his med board we really can't afford it. If I were leaving I would have done it already and burned all the people involved on my way out. There were several people who assisted in covering up their relationship.
I don't know how to make a consequence. He has all the control. Again. Somehow he has all the control.

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Originally Posted by MissLady
As far as exposure is concerned, the entire unit knows already. I had a moments lapse of self control and shoulder checked her into a trash can in front of the entire unit. Command included. They alllll know. They just hadn't started an investigation because I said not to.

This needs to be exposed to the IG if you are serious about saving your marriage. That is your only hope. The entire unit knowing is meaningless, obviously, because they have no control over him.

Your husband can't take this seriously if you don't take it seriously. The reason he continues to cheat (and will keep cheating) is because no one will stop him.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MissLady
As much as I would love to go to his command and have that process happen it will take everything and with his med board we really can't afford it.

You aren't going to make it. You are headed towards a divorce right now. He will drag you through the sewer for a couple more years and then divorce you for an OW.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I was afraid to hear this advice. I knew it already but its hard to look at.

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