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I was afraid to hear this advice. I knew it already but its hard to look at. I know.  The only shot I see here is for you to report this to the IG and let them hold him accountable. Otherwise, he is not going to change into a man who can honor a marriage. As it is now, you are headed on the fast train to divorce.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I declined to press charges in the matter because he is being med boarded. We live paycheck to paycheck as it is and an Article 15 wouldn't have been beneficial to me or my children. I did not talk to IG no. He told me that they lifted it yesterday. I believe that you actually enable self destructive behavior by protecting your Husband from facing the natural consequences of his affairs. If they are against military then that is his problem, not yours if he is dishonorably discharged.
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It feels like my choices are to save my marriage at the cost of my children's wellbeing or wait patiently and watch my marriage crumble.
An IG investigation would not only ruin his already ending army career but literally take from the mouths of my children. I mean in all seriousness where would I get resources to feed them and make the car and rent payment. I had thought about it already knowing that an invstigation would get him sent to a different unit but decided that the financial strain it would put on ME and our family would be too much.
Is there any other way to get him out of this unit? Or are yu saying this is bigger than just separating the lovebirds?
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It feels like my choices are to save my marriage at the cost of my children's wellbeing or wait patiently and watch my marriage crumble. It is in your children's best interest for you to save your marriage. Divorce will be devastating to them. An IG investigation would not only ruin his already ending army career but literally take from the mouths of my children. Your husband has ruined his career all on his own. You don't have the power to ruin it. All you are doing is protecting him from the consequences of his terrible choices, which helps him remain a bad man. You are an enabler. By helping him hide his crimes, you help him remain corrupt. So nothing changes. Here's the thing. Your husband is a player and is going to get kicked out of the military sooner or later because no one will stop him. You can wait until he loses it ALL or you can report it to the IG now and tell him your dilemma. Ask him to make sure whatever happens, that his family is protected. That is typically what happens. Is there any other way to get him out of this unit? Or are yu saying this is bigger than just separating the lovebirds? Why? So he can just move onto the next chick? Your husband is in the military to troll for chicks. He will continue to troll unless and until he is stopped.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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It feels like my choices are to save my marriage at the cost of my children's wellbeing or wait patiently and watch my marriage crumble.
An IG investigation would not only ruin his already ending army career but literally take from the mouths of my children. I mean in all seriousness where would I get resources to feed them and make the car and rent payment. I had thought about it already knowing that an invstigation would get him sent to a different unit but decided that the financial strain it would put on ME and our family would be too much.
Is there any other way to get him out of this unit? Or are yu saying this is bigger than just separating the lovebirds? So you think you should sit back and let this affair continue? Why? You are enabling your wayward husband, MissLady. Do you think that there are no resources for you if you kick your husband's [censored] to the curb? He still has a responsibility to you and your children.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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I guess that's what I'm doing right? Letting the affair continue since he's not been reprimanded by them? Or is it that he's not out of the unit?
I know that him working with her everyday will never be ok. That's why I am looking for avenues to get him moved. Am I right to think that them working together will end up with them right back where they were? And if that's the case what's there to save if he is in love with another woman why would I want to stay anyway?
I mean if he is so easily pulled and gone what's there to work on? I have been faithful and loyal to our marriage for ten years...Even if I go forward with the investigation why would he not do it again anyway. I mean doesn't that mea he doesn't love me? Shouldn't I have more pride and dignity and just walk away? This whole situation is junk. I don't deserve this at all.
Last edited by MissLady; 11/09/12 08:46 PM.
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If you report him to the IG they will be watching him in the future. But that will just be a temporary fix. Just getting him away from her is not going to resolve the problem.
HE will do it again unless he gets out of the military altogether and gets into an occupation where he is not surrounded by temptation.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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If you report him to the IG they will be watching him in the future. But that will just be a temporary fix. Just getting him away from her is not going to resolve the problem.
HE will do it again unless he gets out of the military altogether and gets into an occupation where he is not surrounded by temptation. He is getting out. He will be out in about a year because he is in the process of a med board. An article 15 would not only take money out of our immediate paycheck (we are a one income family) but also take rank which affects his retirement. Isn't temptation everywhere? I mean any job he takes will have women involved. I know how it sounds....Like I am making excuses for not blasting him professionally but the obstacle I see isn't so much that it hasn't been outed....It has been outed. Everyone in his entire unit knows because I called him out in front of everyone and asked his first line what they were going to do about it. The obstacle to me is the separation of he and she. Because that's the first step to ending the affair right?
Last edited by MissLady; 11/09/12 09:04 PM. Reason: to add
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He could implement EPs that help him avoid situations conducive to an affair. And at any rate you are approaching the 10 year mark. As far as the army goes, you would be taken care of if divorce happened after that point. Wouldn't you be entitled to half his retirement?
Just think -- your marriage can withstand hardships, like having the income cut. It cannot survive his having affairs left and right. It will not take long before he tries to do something like replace you with an OW and try to get you to sign away all your rights to his money.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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[
He is getting out. He will be out in about a year because he is in the process of a med board. An article 15 would not only take money out of our immediate paycheck (we are a one income family) but also take rank which affects his retirement.
Isn't temptation everywhere? I mean any job he takes will have women involved. Well then I would say that your main problem is acceptance. You just have to be willing to accept the fact that he will continue to have affairs. That is the price you pay to protect his job. And that is certainly your choice! But there is nothing we can do to help you. Like Dr Harley says, it is hard to save a marriage when you are an enabler.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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[
I know how it sounds....Like I am making excuses for not blasting him professionally but the obstacle I see isn't so much that it hasn't been outed....It has been outed. Everyone in his entire unit knows because I called him out in front of everyone and asked his first line what they were going to do about it. He hasn't been outed to anyone who will hold him accountable. Your "outing" was worthless. But you already know that. You might as well have exposed him to the mailman just so you can say you "exposed." And yes, you are making excuses. But that's ok! It's your life and if you choose to accept sharing your husband with other women, that is your right. Your priority is protecting his job at ALL cost. Again, your right!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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He could implement EPs that help him avoid situations conducive to an affair. And at any rate you are approaching the 10 year mark. As far as the army goes, you would be taken care of if divorce happened after that point. Wouldn't you be entitled to half his retirement?
Just think -- your marriage can withstand hardships, like having the income cut. It cannot survive his having affairs left and right. It will not take long before he tries to do something like replace you with an OW and try to get you to sign away all your rights to his money. EPs? I'm sorry I'm drawing a blank. And yes. In a divorce I would put him through the ringer. He would be paying me most of his paycheck for a very long time. I already talked to an attorney. Financially it's "cheaper to keep her". However in my situation it's better for me to leave in that way...not considering of course the trauma of divorce for my children and for me. I just can't imagine any more freaking hardships with this man. But I know that's true.
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I know how it sounds....Like I am making excuses for not blasting him professionally but the obstacle I see isn't so much that it hasn't been outed....It has been outed. Everyone in his entire unit knows because I called him out in front of everyone and asked his first line what they were going to do about it. He hasn't been outed to anyone who will hold him accountable. Your "outing" was worthless. But you already know that. You might as well have exposed him to the mailman just so you can say you "exposed." And yes, you are making excuses. But that's ok! It's your life and if you choose to accept sharing your husband with other women, that is your right. Your priority is protecting his job at ALL cost. Again, your right! Now your'e just being mean. Thanks.
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No, ML is being truthful. You don't seem to mind sacrificing your marriage if it protects his job.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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[
I know how it sounds....Like I am making excuses for not blasting him professionally but the obstacle I see isn't so much that it hasn't been outed....It has been outed. Everyone in his entire unit knows because I called him out in front of everyone and asked his first line what they were going to do about it. He hasn't been outed to anyone who will hold him accountable. Your "outing" was worthless. But you already know that. You might as well have exposed him to the mailman just so you can say you "exposed." And yes, you are making excuses. But that's ok! It's your life and if you choose to accept sharing your husband with other women, that is your right. Your priority is protecting his job at ALL cost. Again, your right! Now your'e just being mean. Thanks. No, I am not being mean. I am being truthful. Your husband is being MEAN. With your help... Again, there is nothing we can do if you aren't willing to do anything. If you choose to do nothing, then you also have to be willing to accept the consequences.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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No, ML is being truthful. You don't seem to mind sacrificing your marriage if it protects his job. This is what I'm seeing. Do you want to save your marriage, or not? I would be raising holy hell and ringing phones off the hook with his superiors. Have you done this?
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Yes. I told his first line the day I found out. I've been in contact with his LT as well. They had to remove the No Contact order because I didn't bring forward the emails. He admitted the affair to his command when they asked. They were waiting to know if I was going to press charges or work out my marriage.
His LT has told me that there will never be a tasking that they have together "The scheduling will never happen that way".
I feel that I know the army better than that which is why I am upset. They can't change him to another unit without an investigation.
Thank you for your feedback. I have a lot to process... I may not be as invested in saving my marriage as I originally thought.
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Written by Mortarman, board member and former IG: If one or both of the infidels are members of the military, you have a GREAT asset! Why? Because it is against the law to commit adultery. And their command can and will order them to cease and desist...and me even punish them!
How do you do this? Well, each service is a little different. So, you will need to figure out which service they are a part of and then search out the corresponding agency that handles it. In the Army (and the Air Force), they have an Inspector General. The Navy/Marines should also.
The reason I say go to the IG, rather than the commander of the person's unit, is that many times, the commander might like the servicemember (SM) so they might just sweep it under the rug. That you do NOT want to happen! So, with the IG, they will go to the commander, tell him that they have this complaint...and the commander will conduct an investigation. The IG will oversee this, making sure that the commander does the right thing...and if a violation is found, that the appropriate actions/punishment happen. It will NOT be swept under the rug!
At the same time, even if ABSOLUTE proof is not found, at the very least, that commander is going order the SM to not contact your spouse...because the IG is hanging over their head. He/she will just tell them that even if nothing is going on, they are ordered not to make any more contact to make SURE nothing will go on!
So, as I said, the IG is the place to go.
When you call the IG, make sure you have at least the SM's name, his/her rank and unit, if you can get it. If you need help, ask someone you know that knows military rank and unit patches, and have them look at Facebook pictures or describe to them what their uniform looks like. Tell the IG everything you know. There are privacy protections...so you can give them info in confidence (one note: any information that directly implicates someone in an illegal act is not covered by privacy protections. Please understand that an IG is a Federal investigator!).
The IG will be adept at receiving these kinds of complaints, so will have additional questions for you. Answer them completely. If you dont know the answer, tell them you dont know. Or if you can get the answer, ask them if you should and get back to them.
Again, I cannot emphasize this enough...an IG is a Federal investigator. Which means, if you lie to them...there is jailtime and a huge fine. So dont do it! Tell them nothing but facts!!
At the end of the interview, the IG will advise you that they will pursue this...but they will not be able, sue to privacy rights, to let you know what the results of the investigation are. But you wont need them!!
Why? Because when that SM immediately stops contacting your spouse or contacts your spose and tells them they have been ordered not to see them anymore...then things will go nuclear. But that is the beauty of exposure. But unlike exposure in the civilian world, after exposure with a military member involved...well, no contact will be implemented immediately.
How do we know? Because if the SM is ordered not to see your spouse, and they do...then they have disobeyed a direct order. Then you call the IG, tell them contact continues. And there is almost nothing worse in the military than disobeying a direct order!! There WILL be criminal charges then!
So, do you research. Find out what unit they are in...or at least what post/base they are from. Then contact the unit of base/post IG. Do this at the same time that you do your exposure elsewhere (family, friends, etc).
Note: I wish that in the civilian world, there should be laws just like the military has.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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MissLady, you accused MelodyLane of being "mean". She was not "mean". What you will find below if you have the guts to continue reading will be much closer to "mean".
You have a fanciful idea that you can make the "recovered marriage omelet" without breaking some eggs. It is impossible. You are going to have to decide if saving your marriage, for your own, and your children's, long term welfare is worth fighting (and that may include fighting "dirty") for.
NO ONE can drive the changes that you require in your husband's heinous behavior but you. You may get help, if you care to initiate the processes to enlist that help, but it all comes down to you.
Are you gainfully employed? (Can roller-derby pay the bills?) If not, you'd better understand that the gremade you're about to toss at WH's fantasy life will very likely damage his earning power, and you will have to make up the diufference.
Or not. You may decide to put your money on the slot that means you will be a stay-at-home BW, while WH is out regularly with his latest piece. There are medical risks to that strategy, and procedural risks as well, as in the possibility that one of his conquests skips a period due to her dalliance with her lover - your husband. Or, for his own reasons, he might just decide that things are going so well with his side-action, that he would choose to ditch his legal family.
So, what will it be, kiddo? Are you in, or are you out?
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I'm just so scared of all of this. I find it paralyzing. I don't know why I am so afraid of him getting mad. He's not physically abusive or anything but I know he is messing with my head in knowing that I don't want him to be mad. I was so proud of myself for going to his command in the beginning. It felt like such a huge step. It's horrifying to learn that as hard as that was it wasn't enough. And his family, while I would have ZERO problem going to them and telling them the truth, would only tell him that "everyone makes mistakes...".
I just hate this unknown realm. I feel like I KNOW what I should do but I am afraid. And what's more I am looking to divorce because it seems so much easier than this. HE IS WRONG. I didn't do anything and still I am doing all the work and I am suffering. I am on the forum and he is playing video games. I've read the books and he was proud of himself for reading the basic concepts....I can't make him love me or care for me. I can't make him do anything. Nor would I want to.
Am I afraid because I know that he would leave and that scares me? Probably. Why hasn't he left?! There's a part of me that wishes he would but is terrified that he will.
All these years I have stayed at home with the kids so that I could be available as his wife and as a mother for the needs of my family. I've sat on my Bachelors degree and gone to school for countless certifications for the day the kids are all in school and I can begin my career. I've always been afraid that given a career and my own money it would be too easy to walk in a crisis or even a deployment-realizing that he isn't meeting my needs and I don't need him at all. It's all been a big fat lie. 10 years of a lie and a crutch. Ugh. I am sick of myself.
Either way I'm staring down a crappy situation. I guess to save my marriage I have to go to IG. How do I know if it's worth saving?
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