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"Economic considerations

A divorce, and even separation, can have dire economic consequences for a betrayed spouse. Many wives of cheating husbands that I've counseled are economically dependent on him. If she exposes the affair, she fears that he will leave her, creating financial hardship. So in those cases, before exposing the affair, I generally encourage her to plan for that possibility.

Women's shelters usually offer both legal and financial advice for women who find themselves dependent on irresponsible men. Temporary aid from government, religious, and other charitable agencies can provide a safety net for those women. While exposure usually causes the affair to end, these betrayed women can expose his affair with less fear when they know that separation will not leave them destitute.

When there is an affair in the workplace, my general advice is that the unfaithful spouse must quit the job and find another to avoid ever seeing or talking to the lover again. But while the affair is taking place and the unfaithful spouse is unwilling to resign, should a betrayed spouse expose the affair to the employer?

While I unhesitatingly recommend exposing the affair to friends, family, clergy, children, and the lover's spouse, I'm not so quick to suggest exposing it to an employer. That's because such an exposure could have unintended legal and economic consequences. For example, the affair might constitute grounds for a sexual harassment claim by the unfaithful spouse's lover. Or, it might trigger an outright firing of the spouse, making it far more difficult to find another job. So my advice whether or not to expose to an employer is usually made on a case-by-case basis."

How can I ask Dr. Harleys advice in my situation. If it's case by case then how is this case determined? Now that I have read this I am confused.

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You can send an email to the Harleys, or call into the radio show.

There is no way to recover from an A if your spouse is still working with the OW every day, so I cannot imagine Dr Harley advising you to not expose to the IG.

You have to stop making your decisions based on FEAR, MissLady. You need to to have a PLAN. MB offers you that plan. The plan you are in now is called Plan Confusion, and it will make you crazy.

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Originally Posted by MissLady
"

How can I ask Dr. Harleys advice in my situation. If it's case by case then how is this case determined? Now that I have read this I am confused.

Misslady, you can write Dr. Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com

I will just tell you that many people before you have destroyed their marriages by using that passage as an excuse NOT to expose the affair. Dr. Harley was alarmed by that so he posted this earlier this year to a SAHM who was letting her marriage die because of her refusal to expose a workplace affair:

Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley
"I have not read everything in this thread, but I want to make it clear that I am in favor of exposure of an affair in the workplace when a spouse will not leave the job after or during an affair with a fellow worker. An affair is such an egregious violation of marital trust that ending it trumps employment and even possible legal action. While most companies will cooperate with the betrayed spouse to separate unfaithful employees, some do not. But it's still worth pursuing considering the suffering that affairs cause. And it definitely speeds up the death of an affair.

As for proof regarding an affair, the more you have, the better. But even if you have no absolute proof, but solid circumstantial evidence, a visit to the head of personnel can alert others to be on watch."

Best wishes,
Willard F. Harley, Jr.
here



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MissLady
Either way I'm staring down a crappy situation. I guess to save my marriage I have to go to IG. How do I know if it's worth saving?

You have nothing to lose by doing it, other than a fast train that is headed to divorce, and everything to gain. Your only chance to protect your marriage is exposing and hoping they will hold him accountable and perhaps even kick him out of the military. In almost every case I am familiar with in the history of this forum, the IG and the commander worked with the married couple to a) separate the affairees and b) in many cases, facilitate early retirement.

You don't have an easy choice here, Misslady, but the worst possible choice you can make, and the most risky, is to continue to hide his affair for him. Like Harley said:

"....I want to make it clear that I am in favor of exposure of an affair in the workplace when a spouse will not leave the job after or during an affair with a fellow worker. An affair is such an egregious violation of marital trust that ending it trumps employment and even possible legal action."


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Here's a military show.
Radio clip
Segment #2
Segment #3


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I'm just so scared of all of this. I find it paralyzing. I don't know why I am so afraid of him getting mad...I don't want him to be mad...I just hate this unknown realm. I feel like I KNOW what I should do but I am afraid...I can't make him do anything. Nor would I want to...Am I afraid because I know that he would leave and that scares me?...I've always been afraid that given a career and my own money it would be too easy to walk...I don't need him at all. It's all been a big fat lie. 10 years of a lie and a crutch. Ugh. I am sick of myself...I guess to save my marriage I have to go to IG. How do I know if it's worth saving?

When UW speaks of the "Plan C(onfusion)" that is detectable within your story, MissLady, the segments above lend credence to her phrasing.

Okay, slow down, my friend. As awful and distasteful as you find your situation, you are not the first one to arrive here in the same state.

The MB Affair Recovery Program starts with killing the active affair. It must be dead and buried. That requires not just "not knocking boots any longer" but also hard-and-fast, imprenetrable no-contact between the APs. So, set in your mind that you are NOT going to the IG for any reason associated with "revenge" on your WH, or more damage to be done to the POSOW (although that might be a beneficial side-effect), but just to set the stage for your consideration of what step you might decide to take subsequently.

We can guide you through each step of this process, MissLady. All you need to do is steel yourself to conduct the fight.

Are you in?

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Listen to the the information they give it works. Especially NG

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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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So I'm obviously in plan C........ Where do I begin?

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Originally Posted by MissLady
So I'm obviously in plan C........ Where do I begin?
By killing the affair with a full blown exposure. Using the military to aide you by going to the IG.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Also let his CO and staff NCO know about the affair. Trust me I'm military and had to do the same thing on my WW. Best way to do that is to do it in person.

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Originally Posted by TranquilDark
Also let his CO and staff NCO know about the affair. Trust me I'm military and had to do the same thing on my WW. Best way to do that is to do it in person.
Thanks TD. Maybe you can give MissLady some pointers? Her WH and OW still work in the same unit and they lifted the NC order because she didn't proceed with the charges and so now she won't complete exposure.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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You need to follow through. He will be angry but the storm will calm. Also do you have some mutual friends in his unit? Expos� to them as well

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So I talked to his LT and she said that although I can still bring charges, why would I want to since we are working it out..... Then she said that if I do bring charges it's likely now since the no contact order has been lifted that any evidence they could have found is likely gone. I'm assuming she means emails? The ones I have are from my husband to his girlfriend and nothing including her response. Just her email address being the recipient.

The LT said that's enough to start an investigation but not enough to have a consequence that will remove him from the unit. Is she just avoiding paperwork?

Last edited by MissLady; 11/11/12 08:31 PM.
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Well, obviously you are not "working it out" if your husband still works with the OW. And your evidence is your own husband's admission of the affair. Your husband can admit his affair and ask to be removed from the unit. And if he isn't removed, then Plan B would be warranted. Are you familiar with Plan B?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MissLady
The LT said that's enough to start an investigation but not enough to have a consequence that will remove him from the unit. Is she just avoiding paperwork?

Yes, or trying to just sweep it under the rug. But we already told you this. From board member and former IG, Mortarman:

Originally Posted by Mortarman
The reason I say go to the IG, rather than the commander of the person's unit, is that many times, the commander might like the servicemember (SM) so they might just sweep it under the rug. That you do NOT want to happen! So, with the IG, they will go to the commander, tell him that they have this complaint...and the commander will conduct an investigation. The IG will oversee this, making sure that the commander does the right thing...and if a violation is found, that the appropriate actions/punishment happen. It will NOT be swept under the rug!


At the same time, even if ABSOLUTE proof is not found, at the very least, that commander is going order the SM to not contact your spouse...because the IG is hanging over their head. He/she will just tell them that even if nothing is going on, they are ordered not to make any more contact to make SURE nothing will go on!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Yeah I agree do the IG and have the LT do investigation. Do it at the same time, LT sounds lazy and thing to protect the cheating soldier.

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Half measures will not cut it, my friend. Did you learn nothing from your last aborted sojourn into having the military assist you? Go to the IG, and when you do, let him know that the LT is aware of the situation and actively interested in solving this readiness problem in her unit. (Might as well keep her on your side.)

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