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Originally Posted by Jeff1979
I hope a female reader has some info for the above question, But here is another question..

Who is worse my wife or me? me having a sex addiction with prostitutes that is a quick 10 minute physical release in which I have no interest in haveing a relationship and it is protected..

Or my wife having 4 ONS's unprotected and then having a 7 month unprotected affair sexual and emotional with OM? They were texting each other all day long on our wedding anniversary and telling him all the stuff i was doing for her like the nice expensive trip I took her on and he would say NICE! and very cool!

And they would say "hey handsome" "hey beautiful" "luv ya" and [censored] like that.. OMG guess I really didnt see my problem being more than a intense lap dance at a strip club being that it was protected but i know it was.. This emotional relationship he had with my virgin wife and love of my life completely crushed me. The name calling and movie keeps playing in my head of the unprotected sex.. I wish I would have got help early and tried to work on things before it spun out of control..


You are both at fault. It is not my place to sit and judge either of you and decide who is the biggest cheater here. What I can tell you is that both of you need to come completely clean with each other about EVERYTHING and do this ASAP. Your marriage can't even begin to heal with all of the sexual baggage. It is no longer important who cheated first, the most,or the longest. What is important is "cleaning" up your marriage and start investing in each other and being honest with each other.

This is coming from a women who cheated on her Husband twice and in turn he had a revenge affair. But guess what, we don't focus on any of that anymore. We focus on making our marriage the best that it has ever been.

Just another FYI, it is HARD work and both you and your wife need to be 100% committed to your marriage and each other. Tell your wife the truth and ask her to be completely honest with you as well. This is the most important thing to do right now.


Me (WS) Husband (BS)
DS - 15
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My D-day - 11/12/11

Today Me (BS) H (WS)
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I don't want to just survive my affair, I want to recover from it!
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Wow just logged in to many comments, yeah i didnt expect to come on here and be praised for my actions, in fact i was ready for the harsh comments and reality check..Thank you.. I decided that I am going to tell my wife, Im not going to wait 2 months, but I am going to do it after Thanksgiving as we will all be with our families, we have busy schedules and it sucks to deal with this at work. We will both be off work next week after TG where we could sit down and talk.. I need to get this off my chest..

My wife is not (crazy) lol but she has a bubbly outgoing personality more of a (fun crazy). we definalty have a different marriage than most.. Its almost like we had an open marriage that we didnt know about..

My wifes best friend had an affair as well and her husband was getting hookers also and they are back together now.. I had no idea he was doing the same thing. But i know about 3 other friends that are banging these whores while their wifes are at home, it is not uncommon, but yes a sick addiction, for $30 you can bang a 21yo prom queen thats working her way though college, im not lying, some of these girls are 10's.. Any way that is besides the point.. Bottom line I am an addict that needs help... I made a mistake, I do love my wife and I will tell her next week when we have time to sit down and talk..

Knowing my wife, chances are she will be upset and ashamed but we will work this out.. But yeah there still is a chance it could go south and be over... But your right I cant live with this secret for 10- 20 more years... Also my wife kinda throws it in my face sometimes that what she did was wrong, but i think she feels like she banged 5 guys and got away with it with out concequence. By me telling her my story she will be given concequences and if we stay together I would feel better that we both have to deal with our [censored] up pasts, if it works out it might bring us closer and we will both be concerned about what we are capable of and help each other to NOT mess up again..

P.s I like the velcro pair thing too lol..

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Originally Posted by fifteenyears
Originally Posted by Jeff1979
I hope a female reader has some info for the above question, But here is another question..

Who is worse my wife or me? me having a sex addiction with prostitutes that is a quick 10 minute physical release in which I have no interest in haveing a relationship and it is protected..

Or my wife having 4 ONS's unprotected and then having a 7 month unprotected affair sexual and emotional with OM? They were texting each other all day long on our wedding anniversary and telling him all the stuff i was doing for her like the nice expensive trip I took her on and he would say NICE! and very cool!

And they would say "hey handsome" "hey beautiful" "luv ya" and [censored] like that.. OMG guess I really didnt see my problem being more than a intense lap dance at a strip club being that it was protected but i know it was.. This emotional relationship he had with my virgin wife and love of my life completely crushed me. The name calling and movie keeps playing in my head of the unprotected sex.. I wish I would have got help early and tried to work on things before it spun out of control..


You are both at fault. It is not my place to sit and judge either of you and decide who is the biggest cheater here. What I can tell you is that both of you need to come completely clean with each other about EVERYTHING and do this ASAP. Your marriage can't even begin to heal with all of the sexual baggage. It is no longer important who cheated first, the most,or the longest. What is important is "cleaning" up your marriage and start investing in each other and being honest with each other.

This is coming from a women who cheated on her Husband twice and in turn he had a revenge affair. But guess what, we don't focus on any of that anymore. We focus on making our marriage the best that it has ever been.

Just another FYI, it is HARD work and both you and your wife need to be 100% committed to your marriage and each other. Tell your wife the truth and ask her to be completely honest with you as well. This is the most important thing to do right now.

GOOD ADVICE THANK YOU..

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[quote=Wonderingif]Might I also suggest that, though there are no excuses for your wife's affairs, one reason she went seeking love and attention elsewhere is because she wasn't getting it at home. Since you were out "getting your needs met" whenever you felt like it, she would most likely have sensed an emptiness between you two. Your behavior doesn't happen in a vacuum, it affects those around you, even if they can't put their finger on what is wrong in the relationship. It kind of grosses me out to think that you believe you can just bed 80 whores with no repercussions to your feelings for your wife and vice versa. Grow up. [/qu

My wife said she went stray because she was unhappy in the marriage with a bunch of things that she still cant figure out.. She said the affair was strictly sexual and the other ONS's were yes just sex....

I never thought of it that way, i think you have a valid point.. I was out banging whores and getting my needs taken care of and then coming home and saying "hi" to my wife and just going to sleep. I never thought she had (sexual needs) like i did. She has never been a sexual person or had a high sex drive even when we got together in the beginning at 18yo, I think now that we are in our 30's her hormones have changed and she now has needs. And thats awesome for me! as long as I can get help for this addiction, and some how create a new amazing sex life with my wife we may be able to make this work.. But its going to be hard work..

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Originally Posted by Jeff1979
Wow just logged in to many comments, yeah i didnt expect to come on here and be praised for my actions, in fact i was ready for the harsh comments and reality check..Thank you.. I decided that I am going to tell my wife, Im not going to wait 2 months, but I am going to do it after Thanksgiving as we will all be with our families, we have busy schedules and it sucks to deal with this at work. We will both be off work next week after TG where we could sit down and talk.. I need to get this off my chest..

My wife is not (crazy) lol but she has a bubbly outgoing personality more of a (fun crazy). we definalty have a different marriage than most.. Its almost like we had an open marriage that we didnt know about..

My wifes best friend had an affair as well and her husband was getting hookers also and they are back together now.. I had no idea he was doing the same thing. But i know about 3 other friends that are banging these whores while their wifes are at home, it is not uncommon, but yes a sick addiction, for $30 you can bang a 21yo prom queen thats working her way though college, im not lying, some of these girls are 10's.. Any way that is besides the point.. Bottom line I am an addict that needs help... I made a mistake, I do love my wife and I will tell her next week when we have time to sit down and talk..

Knowing my wife, chances are she will be upset and ashamed but we will work this out.. But yeah there still is a chance it could go south and be over... But your right I cant live with this secret for 10- 20 more years... Also my wife kinda throws it in my face sometimes that what she did was wrong, but i think she feels like she banged 5 guys and got away with it with out concequence. By me telling her my story she will be given concequences and if we stay together I would feel better that we both have to deal with our [censored] up pasts, if it works out it might bring us closer and we will both be concerned about what we are capable of and help each other to NOT mess up again..

P.s I like the velcro pair thing too lol..

What are you going to do to get help?

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You're still grossing me out the way you talk about these girls. It's disgusting. These kids are younger than my two oldest daughters and it's like you're bragging you got to "bang" them. They are human beings who have to live with giving themselves away to strangers for the rest of their lives. Would you want your daughter to feel like that? Like she's just a nicely shaped piece of meat that gets treated no better than a used kleenex? You really need to get help and get over yourself.

And I didn't just mean you weren't meeting her sexual needs. I meant you were so selfishly caught up in your addiction I doubt you thought much about ANY of her emotional needs. You have a lot to learn.

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Originally Posted by Wonderingif
You're still grossing me out the way you talk about these girls. It's disgusting. These kids are younger than my two oldest daughters and it's like you're bragging you got to "bang" them. They are human beings who have to live with giving themselves away to strangers for the rest of their lives. Would you want your daughter to feel like that? Like she's just a nicely shaped piece of meat that gets treated no better than a used kleenex? You really need to get help and get over yourself.

And I didn't just mean you weren't meeting her sexual needs. I meant you were so selfishly caught up in your addiction I doubt you thought much about ANY of her emotional needs. You have a lot to learn.

He's a sex addict.
To date he complains about his wife's affair and keeps saying he can't control himself.

Sir, you need to take responsibility for your actions first

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An addict only thinks about themselves.
I lived with an alcoholic and they are the most selfish people I have ever met.
This guy admits to having sex with 80 prostitutes. The truth is probably double that number.
Yet he is worried about his wife's affair.

He won't be honest because she may be upset and that may affect HIM negatively.
Yet, he may be giving her all types of STDs. Potentially life threatening ones. But he doesn't care because HIS needs. HIS addiction comes first.

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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
You need to tell your Wife everything.

What is Sexual Addiction?

Did you read this?

Why wait to do the right thing? Why not tell her today? You're just making excuses.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
An addict only thinks about themselves.
I lived with an alcoholic and they are the most selfish people I have ever met.
This guy admits to having sex with 80 prostitutes. The truth is probably double that number.
Yet he is worried about his wife's affair.

He won't be honest because she may be upset and that may affect HIM negatively.
Yet, he may be giving her all types of STDs. Potentially life threatening ones. But he doesn't care because HIS needs. HIS addiction comes first.
All people having affairs behave like addicts. All people having affairs are selfish and do not let thoughts of the risks that they are causing for their spouses stop them.

The radio programme yesterday was about "sex addicts". Dr Harley's suggestions for the spouse were very stringent and extreme versions of the considerations that all betrayed spouses need to make before they attempt to recover the marriage.

If the unfaithful spouse will agree WILLINGLY and even cheerfully to change their lifestyles and make themselves visible and accountable every minute of every day, then the betrayed spouse might consider reconciliation. If not, then the betrayed spouse should never consider this. Visibility and accountability would mean living just like Dr H and Joyce live: working together and being "joined at the hip" as Joyce put it. Because Dr H and Joyce are together all day every day, there is no conceivable way that an affair could begin. That is what Dr H recommending for the spouse of a rampantly serial adulterer. If the couple can't work together and be together all the time, the betrayed spouse should walk away because the behaviour will not stop.

I don't know how to link radio broadcasts, but if I ask nicely, I hope that our dear friend Brainy will be able to link the segment. Thank you in advance, dear Brainy.



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Sugar,

I will post it as soon as they load it into the archives. smile They are a week behind.


FWW/BW (me)
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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
If you read the article that Brainy linked, you will see that Dr H is slow to conclude that someone is a sex addict, and that he never concludes this on the basis that the number of his affairs is extreme. Is isn't simply the number of extra-marital acts that make the affairee an addict, nor the fact that they are with prostitutes and would therefore be seen as cold an unfulfilling to the rest of us. He writes,

"That's the dilemma that we face when trying to decide if someone is a sex addict. Must a compulsive sexual behavior be proven to be unhealthy and cause guilt before it can be considered a sexual addiction? Or, is the simple condition that it upsets his wife reason enough?

I've counseled many men whom we would all agree are sex addicts. Some of them have broken the law by compulsively exposing themselves in public for sexual gratification. They ruin their marriage, their career, and their self-esteem with such behavior. They also feel very guilty about what they've done. Most psychologists have no difficulty diagnosing these offenders as being addicted to sex."

It seems to be the element of compulsion that is significant. and most importantly, this must be felt even when the marriage is improved so that the man's sexual needs are met within it and he has promised not to hurt his wife with the behaviour again. When the multiple incidents of sex with prostitutes is exposed, and when the couple is working on marital recovery in the way the Dr H prescribes - if the man has endured the humiliation and shame of exposure to those particular acts, and if he has lived through months of his wife's hurt but also through her committed efforts to provide him with love, sex and care - if the man still feels a need to seek sex with strangers then he is probably a sex addict. The problem is, in the majority of marriages where there has been that type of sex, the couple accepts the "sex addict" definition and gives up on the marriage. Perhaps, as in the case of Tiger Woods (which he discusses in the article), the offending spouse undertakes a period of therapy in order to try doing something, but if the conditions that allowed the adultery to take place are not addressed, there is no hope for the marriage to be saved and the couple divorce even after therapy, as did Tiger Woods and his wife. As Dr H says, they never made the commitment that he would have encouraged them to make, which would be to give the marriage a try under new, stringent conditions; that Woods never travelled without Elin and gave up attendance at tournaments if Elin could not travel with him every single time.

In other words, the "sex addict" label is often misapplied and is actually dangerous to most marriages affected by multiple affairs. It encourages the spouses to think that there is some clinical or psychological condition that probably cannot be overcome even with extreme therapy (such as attending a sex addiction programme, as did Tiger Woods). They don't make the extreme lifestyle changes that could well save their marriages and they divorce, when nobody knows whether the marriage could have been saved.

If they make the extreme changes that Dr H recommends, including an all-out effort to meet sexual and all other emotional needs within the marriage, and if both spouses report an increased level of happiness with the marriage, and if the compulsion to visit prostitutes persists, then the man is probably a sex addict. But he isn't a sex addict simply because he has had sex with 80 or 800 prostitutes, and using that lable on the basis of the story we have been told here is irresponsible and self-defeating. Suggesting a sex addiction group could simply be a way of substituting one addiction for another; I have heard many stories of addicts substituting alcohol addiction for AA meetings which themselves become addictions, and continuing to ruin their marriages by neglecting them.

This poster should write to Dr H for sepcific advice, but as I said, Dr H addressed this issue on yesterday's show, and he addresses it in the article linked. Nowhere does he suggest therapy as a first step, or adopting the mantel of "sex addict" without first radically changing the marriage to see what difference, if any, that makes.

This poster will not be able to make those changes for both their benefits unless he tells his wife about his lifestyle, so he needs to confess.


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Originally Posted by Jeff1979
My wifes best friend had an affair as well and her husband was getting hookers also and they are back together now.. I had no idea he was doing the same thing. But i know about 3 other friends that are banging these whores while their wifes are at home, it is not uncommon

Sounds like you need some new friends. I don't know of any friends who are routinely 'banging whores while their wives are at home...' and if I did they would no longer be friends.

You have a lot to learn about valuing and protecting your marriage. Until then, start with dumping these friends.

Do you all have children? What kind of role models are you being for your children? What are you teaching your children about the worth of women, worth of marriage?

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Originally Posted by Jeff1979
for $30 you can bang a 21yo prom queen thats working her way though college, im not lying, some of these girls are 10's.. Any way that is besides the point.. Bottom line I am an addict that needs help... I made a mistake, I do love my wife and I will tell her next week when we have time to sit down and talk..

Um, you mean you made EIGHTY mistakes. 8-0. Stop downsizing this by saying it was a mistake and you couldn't help yourself.

Also, you glamorize this ability to bang a 20 yr old 'prom queen' as if we should all be proud of you. Make no mistake my friend, WE are all sickened by it. ANY man, of any age, weight, or level of personal hygiene can pay a prostitute for sex. Good grief, why would you be proud of that. It's disgusting, and you should be ashamed of it.

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Jeff.
What are you going to do to stop your behavior?

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Originally Posted by Jeff1979
Wow just logged in to many comments, yeah i didnt expect to come on here and be praised for my actions, in fact i was ready for the harsh comments and reality check..Thank you.. I decided that I am going to tell my wife, Im not going to wait 2 months, but I am going to do it after Thanksgiving ...
Dude, I was dumb & selfish enough to have an affair that spanned both Thanksgiving & Christmas, 4 years ago. So you can flat-out trust me & take it to the bank when I tell you that no matter how much it'll suck now, someday this Thanksgiving will be less tainted in her memory if you tell her now than if you wait until after the holiday to tell her later.

See, everything between when you started being unfaithful with the other women & the day you come clean is gonna be tainted with the odor of 'coverup' and will forevermore be seen as a lie of sorts. You can't change that, ever, no matter how hard you try. All you can do is draw a line around it, by putting an end to the coverup & coming clean.


Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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Quote
But should I wait a little bit like another month or so till things are less intense.. I honestly beleive that a miracle is in the works.
Uh-huh. You think there's going to be miracle to get your [censored] off the hot seat? Ain't gonna happen, friend. No one is going to miraculously save you from yourself. DO IT NOW.

Most waywards like the idea of waiting for a more convenient time. That time is NOW.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Why wait until after thanksgiving.
Let me guess: Because it benefits YOU. Maybe a few more Craigslist whores before you quit cold turkey?

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Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
Originally Posted by Jeff1979
Wow just logged in to many comments, yeah i didnt expect to come on here and be praised for my actions, in fact i was ready for the harsh comments and reality check..Thank you.. I decided that I am going to tell my wife, Im not going to wait 2 months, but I am going to do it after Thanksgiving as we will all be with our families, we have busy schedules and it sucks to deal with this at work. We will both be off work next week after TG where we could sit down and talk.. I need to get this off my chest..

My wife is not (crazy) lol but she has a bubbly outgoing personality more of a (fun crazy). we definalty have a different marriage than most.. Its almost like we had an open marriage that we didnt know about..

My wifes best friend had an affair as well and her husband was getting hookers also and they are back together now.. I had no idea he was doing the same thing. But i know about 3 other friends that are banging these whores while their wifes are at home, it is not uncommon, but yes a sick addiction, for $30 you can bang a 21yo prom queen thats working her way though college, im not lying, some of these girls are 10's.. Any way that is besides the point.. Bottom line I am an addict that needs help... I made a mistake, I do love my wife and I will tell her next week when we have time to sit down and talk..

Knowing my wife, chances are she will be upset and ashamed but we will work this out.. But yeah there still is a chance it could go south and be over... But your right I cant live with this secret for 10- 20 more years... Also my wife kinda throws it in my face sometimes that what she did was wrong, but i think she feels like she banged 5 guys and got away with it with out concequence. By me telling her my story she will be given concequences and if we stay together I would feel better that we both have to deal with our [censored] up pasts, if it works out it might bring us closer and we will both be concerned about what we are capable of and help each other to NOT mess up again..

P.s I like the velcro pair thing too lol..

What are you going to do to get help?


Tell my wife my problem, and go to an AA or 12 step program. I'll go whether she stays or goes.. If i dont i will end up getting arrested or with a disease.. We both got tested for everything and we are both clean..

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