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#2680752 11/07/12 02:23 PM
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I had recently post about this before but I was told this site would be better to get serious feedback.

After around 6 years of marriage I felt that my life couldn't get any better, I married the women that I felt in love with in college and were together for 2 years before our marriage. We have 1 son and he is turning 3 this year.

Around 6 months ago I found out my wife had been cheating on me. However, when I heard this I felt empty inside there was no expression on my face. She told me that "I love you and I don't want to lose you."

I then left the room and heard my wife crying. I went to work and did my usual daily routine until my boss stopped me and asked what was wrong. I said "I am fine" but he try to pry me open since he was my best friend after all and he seem to know something was up.

Close to a month of trying to get me to talk I finally cracked and couldn't hold it in anymore. I told my best friend everything about my wife cheating on me. He told me to take a vacation and that I didn't have to work until I can sort out my life. When I got home my wife tried to talk to me and kept saying that I need to say something but I haven't talked to her since she told me. I told her that I love her but every time I look at her I can only see images of her lying and cheating with another man.

Even though she hurt me, we still want to make it work but I can not get the image of her cheating on me out of my head. I been having nightmares about it every night. Its like I have to relive it each night. My wife been trying really hard and been trying to have sex with me but I feel too depressed and disgusted with her.

One week ago we manage to have sex recently even though it was great ***EDIT**. Its still wasn't the same compassion we had before the affair. I feel thorn in two with a part of me wanting to forget and love her the same way but the other part wants nothing to do with her.

I just can't seem to forget that every time I look at her loving eyes I am reminded that those same eyes were looking at another man the same way. I been depressed for almost 3 or so months she been taking care of me but I keep reliving the same nightmares in my dreams. I try my best to suppress my feelings of sadness and angry so I don't hurt her feelings but is burns me up inside.

I do not understand how this happened I always put her first in my life. I supported her through her depression, I took off from work whenever she needed me, I took her on dates to her favorite places almost 2 times a week when we were off. I could go on and on about what I have done for her but what bugs me the most is I did not see any signs of her cheating. She never withdraw anything beside the affair from me. We continue to have sex on the regularly bases.

I feel less of a man every time I kiss her. Its like a kick in the nuts knowing what she had done.

Last edited by CicadaMB; 11/07/12 03:00 PM. Reason: TMI
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Well, technically, you have already forgiven your wife's transgressions. Forgiveness is best defined as declining to seek redress (or vengeance) for a wrong done to you by another. Had you not "forgiven" her you would be actively pursuing a dissolution action now.

I think what you're asking is how to get past the pain she caused you and return to a state approximating that you believed you were in until she had her affair, and you discovered it. Is that correct?

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Well, I haven't told her that I forgive her although I am still at the house. I feel emotionally I can not tell if I can still love her the way I did before since I have never told anyone outside my family that I love them.

I am conflicted between loving her and leaving her. I could never hurt her even though she did. I don't know if I can stay with her even though I am trying to.

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Well, the bad news is that what is going to be required to put you and your emotions back together will be long, arduous, fraught with potential for missteps, and quite possibly doomed to failure regardless of the efforts invested.

The good news is that little of this is yours to do. The majority of the burden will be on her.

You can, however, get the process started. Order "Surviving An Affair" and "His Needs/Her Needs" from this website. Locate, print out, and each complete the appropriate Emotional Needs Questionnaire, also on this site somewhere. (Brainy?)

It would be helpful, one might say necessary, to set in your mind that you will take no marriage-ending decision for two years, to give the program time to work.

Hang in there, my friend, there are many folks who came here as lost and confused as you are, and they are still around, answering questions like yours, having emerged from the fire.

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Originally Posted by MichaelJR2012
I am conflicted between loving her and leaving her. I could never hurt her even though she did. I don't know if I can stay with her even though I am trying to.

Have you read this?

Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?
Letter #1





ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

Recovered

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Ok, I guess I will be the one to ask the obvious. Did she end all contact with the OM? Who is the OM? is he married, and if so, have you personally informed his wife?

Has she given you all the details of the affair? Answered all your questions?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Ok, I guess I will be the one to ask the obvious. Did she end all contact with the OM? Who is the OM? is he married, and if so, have you personally informed his wife?

Has she given you all the details of the affair? Answered all your questions?


Does WW work with the OM?
How did WW meet the OM?

Recovery takes from 2 to 5 years.

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Sorry I haven't been able to reply in a while but I was busy sorting out my depression.

Yes, she stop seeing him and told me what happened. She had met him at his work. He was working at a petshop when she was looking for some toys to get our dog.

I had a talk with my wife again today. I am slowly starting to forget but she can still tell that I am hurting. I try to smile and bare with it. I still manage to say "I love you" to her each day.

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Is he married? And if so, have you informed his wife?

Have you spoken to him yourself?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I kinda asked this same question a long time ago:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=152591&Number=2115802#Post2115802

After Dday 1, I did not forgive my then H for about a year. There was a Dday 2 and we are now divorced so forgiveness had no part in any sort of marital recovery.

Have you exposed the affair to anyone other than your boss/friend? Is OM married?


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Originally Posted by MichaelJR2012
Sorry I haven't been able to reply in a while but I was busy sorting out my depression.

Yes, she stop seeing him and told me what happened. She had met him at his work. He was working at a petshop when she was looking for some toys to get our dog.

I had a talk with my wife again today. I am slowly starting to forget but she can still tell that I am hurting. I try to smile and bare with it. I still manage to say "I love you" to her each day.
Has she told you everything you want to know about the affair? Is OM married? What is his name, do you know it - you'll want this information.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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As a BH who came here over a year ago, let me say to you, it will get better. That's not to say there won't be bad moments, I still have them.... But they are not as deep or as long.

Listen to the Vets and take their advice. Answer their questions so they can give you the best advice. Try to post as often as you can.



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To answer your questions.

No, he is not married and no I have not spoken to him yet.
Also, only me, my boss, and my wife know about the affair.

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Sunday will be a slow response day, but I will respond as often as I can. I know what you are feeling.... Your mind won't let go, it's called triggering. What helps is to know everything about the affair. Has she answered every question you have? Have you read Surving an Affair? SAA helped me get through the worst days.

How long ago was your DDay? It took me several months before I wanted to have SF from my WW.

You've come to the right place. Read and listen.


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Her (WS): 39
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Michael,

I feel strange giving you this advice because I was a wayward, but I know it is something that the vets here would do. You need to expose this affair far and wide. I know this seems cruel and seems like a step back from recovery but it is actually the first step to true recovery.

The fact that very few people know about the affair allows a chance that it could re-spark in the future. I know this might sound like it is impossible but it is not. The more people that are exposed to the A the less chance it can continue in the future.

My H exposed my affair to everyone we knew. Yes, I hated him at the moment because he made me look so horrible. Now I thank him every day. Not only did it kill the affair but it brought the true reality of what I did to light.

Affairs put you in a fantasy world. Exposing the affair snapped me out of the fantasy and put me into the reality of what I had done to everyone around me. This is what Dr. H says is the first step to true recovery. It is hard, your wife will probably not be very happy about it, but it DOES WORK!!!

Also, my H was in your boat for a very long time. He went back and forth between loving me and leaving me. It is totally your choice what you do. I would strongly suggest sticking with MB and letting the people here help you through whatever decision you make. My H never felt comfortable posting on here but he did read a lot and found a lot of people on here to help him through the hard times.

I wish you the best and hope your WW gets on here too. This website SAVED me from who I was!!!

Last edited by fifteenyears; 11/11/12 10:21 AM.

Me (WS) Husband (BS)
DS - 15
DD -10
My D-day - 11/12/11

Today Me (BS) H (WS)
D-Day #2 01/14/12
I don't want to just survive my affair, I want to recover from it!
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Expose WW parents and siblings, OM is single then you still expose his parents. Also expose OM's work place.

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Mike-

I recommend you follow the procedures that make up the heart of this program.

Even 3 months later you should expose this affair to family and friends. And it should be done for the same reasons.

I think you have not gone thru the critical first steps to recovery and thus you are emotionally at day 1 even 3 months later.





Life keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the fuuuu-ture.
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Thanks for the feedback everyone, I talked to my wife about exposing the affair and yes she didn't like the idea but has agree to go through with it.

I told her that even though she hurt me, that I will still be there to support her like always.

Although I have now truly forgiven her, I still have my days when I feel like giving up. When I found out my wife did cheat on me was also the first time I ever cried. I can tell she been trying so hard to earn my trust.

I still have doubts about her but worst I been doubting myself. I feel like most of this was my fault that I had failed as a husband.

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Originally Posted by MichaelJR2012
Thanks for the feedback everyone, I talked to my wife about exposing the affair and yes she didn't like the idea but has agree to go through with it.

I told her that even though she hurt me, that I will still be there to support her like always.

Although I have now truly forgiven her, I still have my days when I feel like giving up. When I found out my wife did cheat on me was also the first time I ever cried. I can tell she been trying so hard to earn my trust.

I still have doubts about her but worst I been doubting myself. I feel like most of this was my fault that I had failed as a husband.
You don't tell your wife about exposure.

Since she has agreed, have her write the no contact letter now.

Who is the OM?

What is she doing to eliminate the conditions that allowed her affair?

Read this and tell us your plan.
Exposure 101


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Thanks for all the advice so far guys. This means more to me than you will ever know.

After going to counseling for the 6 time, I was told that I finally came to terms with my feelings about the affair. When I went there today I had all this pent up anger and depression that I been hiding from my wife. I told him that I didn't want her to see me angry and upset.

He advice that I tried to contact some of my friend and relieve some of the stress. I feel like things are getting better. I still reflect what happen over the pass few months. I remember when my wife told me that I should sleep with someone else to get over the fact that she cheated on me. Obviously, that was a bad idea and I am glad that I didn't do it. Instead, I told her that I didn't want to hurt her and that we could get through this.

Also, we wrote the letter and the person she cheated with was someone she knew back in high school. She told me that she had felt vulnerable at the time. She still won't tell me what exactly made her vulnerable. I think about that almost everyday.

I ask her why she felt the need to keep things from me. Before the affair we never fought and always supported each other. In fact, the first day at my work I told my boss that I will always put my family over work. As serious as I was he laughed and say that he likes that I am a family man.

Last edited by MichaelJR2012; 11/15/12 04:52 PM.
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