Nesre thanks for the bump

part of this post has also been posted in another discussion.

I am torn here. I have done a lot of spying over the years. In fact have been obsessed at times. Even lost a job due to performance because I spent all my time spying. I had been spy free for 2 years....look where it got me...right back where I was before. I have to say I really felt good NOT spying. I also thought things were GREAT! Is this really a way to live in a relationship? What kind of relationship do I really have with him if I can not trust him?

Not to mention, I have done it before & exposed him before, he is very slick these days. I have tried the trick to reset the PW on phone & LinkedIn sight but it sends him an email to an address that I do not even know. He is sure to check things and very secretive. When I come into his office sometimes I notice him close windows, or slide his e mail up so I can not see whets there. But it is his work PC & blackberry I have NO WAY to access it anymore.

He is very good at his job. Part of his job entails manipulation and lying. SO I think...it transfers to home life too. He is a charmer, no doubt. Always knows what to say and when to say it. Can think very fast on his feet. Even when I had "proof" he still had ways of making it all sound like it was me not him.

I am thankful for all of your advice. I know eventually I will be able to sort it all out. I guess right now I need to think of ways to discover WITH OUT DETECTION. That is my first obstacle!

It would not surprise me if he had some of these tricks up his sleeve to see if I am spying, again! SO I need to proceed with caution. I know he checks the history on the home PC to see if I am "up to my old habits again". He has been very clear all weekend that I do not dig into the OW's life. Of course I have...carefully not to have crossed any lines. But he may be able to tell when he gets home. He has told me in the past if I return to spying, he would dirvoce me. THat he can not trust me not to spy. Double edged sword....

last1chance, The problem is not spying, it is that you CHOOSE to stay in a marriage with an untrustworthy person who has secrets. If I told my H I was spying, he would be GLAD because he has nothing to hide. People who have nothing to hide, don�t hide.


If a person will only stay married to you if he can hide things from you, then you don't have a marriage anyway.

If my wife told me she'd divorce me if she ever caught me spying on her again, I'd take her up on that offer. Dr. Harley suggests three prerequisites for recovery:

1. That the wayward spouse never see or talk to the other person ever again for the rest of their lives.
2. That the wayward give permanent and complete transparency to his or her spouse, including all passwords, methods of communication, and open discussion of what he or she is doing at any given time.
3. That the wayward commit to a program of recovery, preferably one of Dr. Harley's courses (but any you decide on will do).

Establish those as YOUR baseline to be willing to recover and your minimum acceptable standards for life going forward. Be willing to live without him if he is not willing to live with those three very, very basic conditions of marriage. Chances are good he won't agree right away... if that's the case, it's a good bet you need a Plan B to preserve your love for him to prevent his abuses with another affair.

Bumpers

Another resource to possibly find contact info for OP(S)... One of my friends posted about this site on their FB status: www.spokeo.com.

I searched my name in and all my info was on there! Name, address, and phone number, etc, even a picture of my street and an opportunity to pay $ and get even more info! I filled out the privacy form to have them take me off their site.

This is great infos. Thanks for sharing. My biggest problem is I don't know how to install keylogger to my WH's laptop since he always takes it for work and pretty much everywhere he goes and I'm currently separated from him. He had changed his email passwords too. I used to have access to them.

BUMP for Just a guy

Any suggestions on how I can find out the OWs name (ideally without the expense of hiring a PI)? I do have her cell phone number. I've been trying to get into my husband's email account to learn info that way. He's overseas for work right now. I just learned about racy text messages with sexual overtones right before he left. So, I told him that I need a little time to think, process & pray. I'm thinking about just asking him for his email password. But, I know he'll be reluctant to give it to me (if he does it at all). His response has always been that I have to trust him. I'm wondering if it's worth asking. And, I don't want to initiate a love buster or tip him off that I'm looking around....

I've been thinking about downloading a remote keylogger to access his keystrokes right now (even while he's away). But, I'm concerned about the legality of that because his computer is not his/ours; it's issued by his company.

Any thoughts? Other suggestions? Thanks in advance!

With your husband overseas, it's going to be difficult to get any good intel. I'm not certain how I'd approach it.


A description I often use is "Trust simply exists like air. The longer I observe that someone's actions and words are consistent with one another, the more I trust them. The more inconsistent they are, the less I trust them. I can no more decide to trust someone from now on than I can decide to stop breathing from now on."

Mistrust arises because someone's words and actions are inconsistent. We need proof -- evidence -- of consistency in order to increase the balance of trust. Every time someone's words and actions are inconsistent with one another, they make a Love Bank withdrawal.



Do it. If you have any sort of access, install it. You signed no employment contract with the company; your husband did. The company is not going to sue you for spying on your husband's computer; the worst they will do is fire him for your actions.

And really, particularly if the Other Woman is someone he works with (likely!), would that be such a bad thing? He can always get another job. Getting another wife is a more difficult proposition.

Try All In One Keylogger from Relytec.com site.
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