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Originally Posted by PiecesOfMe
Yes I am trying to avoid conflict.

Yes I am enabling...I can see that now. In my head, I was making it easier to move forward.

Page 1 of this thread, one year ago.

Just sayin'...


Ddays 2007 and 2011
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Originally Posted by PiecesOfMe
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by PiecesOfMe
- If I am unable to avoid going to that building and must work there for a few hours or a day I will call my wife the minute I arrive and keep my cell phone on in a call with my wife the entire time I am in the building. (Due to the fact that we work together I would absolutely know if he was assigned to that building for a job so there's no hiding that part)

Another deal breaker. I don't understand how calling you negates the contact? If I have a drink of whiskey and tell my spouse, does that mean I am sober? Of course not. Telling you is worthless. He should never be around the OW anywhere, anytime. If he has to get a new job to do that, then so be it.


Because there wouldn't necessarily be any contact. If he were to have to work in that building it doesn't necessarily mean he would see her. It just means there's a chance so in order to prevent him from going in search of her to talk to her, he would have me on the phone the whole time. If he were to bump into her in the hallway, he would not be able to have a conversation with her, etc. No good? I understand leaving entirely is better.

The solution is to never go in that building. See, if you get your [censored] hit while playing chicken, do you start talking to your wife on the phone while you dodge cars? Or do you get your [censored] out of the road?

See, this is why you are here a year later no further along than you were when you first arrived. You try to cut every corner and ignore the advice. All you do is cut any possibility of recovery. surely you can see that by now?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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"I do... one big thing missing... and he was super paranoid that I would actually deliver it.."

what am i missing?

you better deliver that letter- he is calling your bluff and you are backing down each time.

one of my EP's is that i can add anything at any time to make me feel safe.

i gotta tell you, i am shaking my head here. I know we have all seen in your shoes at one period of time, but you really have to listen to what the vets are telling you.

you are caving on the job, you are caving on the poly and it sounds like you may be caving on the NC letter (just as long as he writes it you are happy....) if you think 2 mos from now you will be ok with all or any of the above and never have regrets or never have doubts, you have your head in the sand.

I promise you once you stand your ground you will feel empowered, and i mean like you will not get walked on again empowered, your husband will notice it and he will either be tooo scared and run or he will admire you for pulling his head out of his axx and thank you for saving him.

or you can be happy with half the job done, but i can assure you your H will continue to call your bluff, lie to you and your own doubt will eat you alive then destroy what you think is a recovering marriage.








Me 44- yes ugggh
WH 47
together 26 years M 19
serial cheater big time
DD1 2.24.11
NC letter sent 3/7/11
NC letter to OW2 april
final truths 5/8-- all of them poly confirmed 5/18
working the plan

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Originally Posted by PiecesOfMe
He's forcing me to play games with our children?

If your words have no action behind them, you are playing games too. This does not work.

Quote
Next time, (come Sunday) if he doesn't comply with what I've asked, I just pack. .

Good!!


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Im sorry if I seem stubborn on this.particular issue Susie. The reasons are:

1. I cant think of a better working situation for than one where I work with him.
2. In SAA,, Kevin transfers to another dealership within the same company this is the same scenario.

stronger I need your help you are so close to my situation... what do I say when he tells me how selfish I am being for wanting to satisfy my own emotional needs for honesty?

my WS said the same thing as yours the exact same thing in fact about how I'll never get past it and then nothing will be good enough and so on... what was your response? I need is much ammunition as possible.

also let's say I broached Polley thing tonight how do I go about plan B 12 have his stuff packed and ready to go or do I wait for his answer and then pack? also stronger me how did you handle it when he finally admitted it was PA? do I prepare myself to avoid love Busters? what happened after the fact of the poly? how did he behave? sorry I'll go read your thread but in the meantime can you please give me any advice you can how to handle . we have my daughters christening on Saturday and family coming in from out of town it's going to be a big big mess. I guarantee you he will get his back up against the wall so hard it's going to end ygly. but I think I'm ready I really can't take anymore BS anyway. sorry for the grammar I'm on my cellphone


Me: BW (34)
Him: WH (38)

3 kids: 7, 3, & 7 mos


Married 7 years
DDAY #1 - 11/8/2011 (EA)
DDAY #2 - 12/6/2011 [unconfirmed possible 2nd A]

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do we really have to answer all that? crazy I say not. I vote that you go read this thread and follow instructions.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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PiecesOfMe, I have to run out with my daughter right now. I know how agonizing it can be to wait for responses on here. I will try to give you more details about how my situation went down later, but basically, you MUST find the strength to follow through with the poly. You MUST refuse to back down. The husband I have today is SO different than the husband I had not yet ONE week ago and it is because I stood my ground.

I don't know what the future holds. We have a LONG way to go - still working on the foundations actually. But you MUST have the truth.

Even when I give you my details, it doesn't ensure that your WH will react similarly to mine. That doesn't really matter though. What matters is that YOU act similarly to ME - which is DON'T BACK DOWN. Stay calm, tell him what you require, and STICK TO IT.


me - 44
WH - 44
married 19 years
2 daughters - 15 & 13

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Didn't find out until years later - A with coworker, 2008 & again in 2010 or 2011
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Originally Posted by PiecesOfMe
2. In SAA,, Kevin transfers to another dealership within the same company this is the same scenario.

It is NOT in the same company. It is an entirely DIFFERENT dealership owned by the person.

This is in SAA under the topic of "Changing Jobs and Relocating"...

"I suggested to Kevin that he speak with his boss at work and explain his situation. As it turns out the auto dealership was one of several owned by the same man, so Kevin was able to move laterally to a similar position at ANOTHER dealership."

They are not using the same phone/email system and using the same buildings, etc etc, PoM.

Later in the same section:

"Easy access to a former lover must be avoided at all costs."


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
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Originally Posted by PiecesOfMe
2. In SAA,, Kevin transfers to another dealership within the same company this is the same scenario.

Originally Posted by PiecesOfMe
- If I am unable to avoid going to that building and must work there for a few hours or a day I will call my wife the minute I arrive and keep my cell phone on in a call with my wife the entire time I am in the building. (Due to the fact that we work together I would absolutely know if he was assigned to that building for a job so there's no hiding that part)

Where do you see that Kevin and Lee's situation has this scenario in it, Kevin will continue to enter Amy's' building and will need to keep his BW apprised of the situation?

Do you think Dr Harley would have left such a detail out?

I am sorry but you need to be called out on this...


Ddays 2007 and 2011
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Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley
In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

Case closed...


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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POM,

If it worked to monitor him at the workplace, it would have worked.

You two must make a lot of money because I can't see any other reason why you'd fight tooth and nail to keep these jobs.

I hope you have a good divorce attorney picked out. You're going to need it.

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Originally Posted by PiecesOfMe
what do I say when he tells me how selfish I am being for wanting to satisfy my own emotional needs for honesty?

So you're refusing to be honest with me?

Then tell him to cut the crap and knock it off. He's an adult, he fooled around on you, and you're allowing his toddler-like behavior to govern things.






Me (BH)
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Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2

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POM --

One year ago you were advised that he needed to leave this job or his affair would not only continue but become more entrenched.

And what has happened? The affair has continued and become more entrenched.

If supervising him at work was a solution -- why did you let him continue his affair for the past year????


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Originally Posted by PiecesOfMe
Im sorry if I seem stubborn on this.particular issue Susie. The reasons are:

1. I cant think of a better working situation for than one where I work with him.
2. In SAA,, Kevin transfers to another dealership within the same company this is the same scenario.

stronger I need your help you are so close to my situation... what do I say when he tells me how selfish I am being for wanting to satisfy my own emotional needs for honesty?

Why must you even answer that question? Just say "This is what I need to remain married. The choice is up to you."

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Sorry not to get back on here last night.

FIRST AND FOREMOST - INSIST ON THE POLY - DO NOT BACK DOWN.

This is what I did (I journaled it, so I have a record as it went down). This is NOT advice based on MB, so I hope it is OK to post it. I just want to share my experience with you.

First night: I told him that I thought we owed it to the girls to do EVERYTHING we could to keep our marriage and family together. I said I needed him to take the test so that I could trust him again.

I said that I couldn't promise that we'd make it, but that right now the 2 choices were 1) no test - not even try, 2) test - try, so that we could tell the girls in good faith that we did all we could.

I told him that I want a marriage with trust, respect and the truth. I told him that I deserve that. I told him that I am a role model for the girls and I'm not going to teach them that it is OK. He said he didn't disagree. But he still refuses to take a test because I read it on the internet.


Next day: Then I said, "Well now that you've had time to think about it, have you made a decision?"

He said, "My decision stands. I stand by letting the girls live here while we go back and forth."

I said, "So you aren't taking the polygraph?"

He said, "No"

Me: "That's all I need to know. I'll go now and find us another house in [town]"

I'd been IGNORING him. Last night I decided that I wanted to sleep in our bed and H to sleep elsewhere. I started a conversation about another issue, then moved to the poly.

I told him that he could stop my suffering. I said that I really believed that guilt was eating him up inside and had been. That he hated himself and was taking it out on me (verbal abuse, etc.)

Then he finally told the truth.

But, nothing you do is going to work if you aren't serious and stand your ground. He'll know whether you are serious or not. Trust me, I still have issues with this, which is why I was dealing with other things last night.

LISTEN TO THE ADVICE GIVEN ON THIS BOARD! They are only here to help you. Do NOT deviate from the plan!



me - 44
WH - 44
married 19 years
2 daughters - 15 & 13

D-day: 11/19/2012
Didn't find out until years later - A with coworker, 2008 & again in 2010 or 2011
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Originally Posted by StrongerMe
Sorry not to get back on here last night.

FIRST AND FOREMOST - INSIST ON THE POLY - DO NOT BACK DOWN.

This is what I did (I journaled it, so I have a record as it went down). This is NOT advice based on MB, so I hope it is OK to post it. I just want to share my experience with you.

First night: I told him that I thought we owed it to the girls to do EVERYTHING we could to keep our marriage and family together. I said I needed him to take the test so that I could trust him again.

I said that I couldn't promise that we'd make it, but that right now the 2 choices were 1) no test - not even try, 2) test - try, so that we could tell the girls in good faith that we did all we could.

I told him that I want a marriage with trust, respect and the truth. I told him that I deserve that. I told him that I am a role model for the girls and I'm not going to teach them that it is OK. He said he didn't disagree. But he still refuses to take a test because I read it on the internet.


Next day: Then I said, "Well now that you've had time to think about it, have you made a decision?"

He said, "My decision stands. I stand by letting the girls live here while we go back and forth."

I said, "So you aren't taking the polygraph?"

He said, "No"

Me: "That's all I need to know. I'll go now and find us another house in [town]"

I'd been IGNORING him. Last night I decided that I wanted to sleep in our bed and H to sleep elsewhere. I started a conversation about another issue, then moved to the poly.

I told him that he could stop my suffering. I said that I really believed that guilt was eating him up inside and had been. That he hated himself and was taking it out on me (verbal abuse, etc.)

Then he finally told the truth.

But, nothing you do is going to work if you aren't serious and stand your ground. He'll know whether you are serious or not. Trust me, I still have issues with this, which is why I was dealing with other things last night.

LISTEN TO THE ADVICE GIVEN ON THIS BOARD! They are only here to help you. Do NOT deviate from the plan!
So where are you at in your plan?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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