I got tested 2 1/2 months after I was with a whore and It was always carefully protected. I am worried about my wife being with 5 men unprotected. Maybe I should go back for the heck of it and test again..

Both of you should be tested even at least 6 months after the last contact.

HPV has a long dormant period and can show up 2 years later. Unfortunately there is no blood test for that. It will just show up.

How do you even test for HPV then?

/tj

Unfortunately, when you get an outbreak and then it will show up. They haven't developed one yet.

So she came home today for the first time in 7 days. We decorated the xmas tree and house for xmas together, this was the first time i helped her decorate as she always did it her herself. It was something i had taken for granted before but really enjoyed helping her today...

I ask her if she wants to try to work things out and she said yes but wants to take it slow. I think she is going to stay at her moms still for a little while.. I went down and bought her favorite lunch for her and brought it home and she loved it.. We also have our Dinner tonight and I will be picking her up from her moms house and taking her to a nice dinner..

After my thousands of prayers to the lord I think he answered me and i am being given one last chance.. Not just for my marriage but a chance to fix my problem, knowing she is onboard has got me fired up to change my ways to good.. And also to find a way to meet her emotional needs so that she will be happy with me and not go ouside our mariage again.. We both need to set boundaries to eliminate temptation..

Tonight at dinner she said she will bring a list with her of things that she wants to talk about and change.. I am not sure what will be on her list, but i will find out in a few hours.. Tomorrow i will be joining a 12 step program at my church with or with out her. I can not mess this up again.. Also I should be getting SAA in the mail anyday now..

On her list of change it really had nothing to do with my or her problem.. It was that she wants to move back in on jan 1st and that she wants to have date night once a week and we can still go to counceling once a week also any other days we can get together for things, she said in no way or form is cheating allowed as we are still married (which is like duh)..

She thinks this will help bring the intimacy back for her cause it makes it exciting to see me.. When she moves back in, she wants to continue the dress up date night once a week. She said we have to trust each other right out of the gate on this. The rest of her list was about materialistic things of change like new furniture, and paint in the house, she says our home does not feel like home, its always messy, boring and old and she gets depressed coming home to it.

She told me that when she said those deadly words ( I love you but im not sure if im in love with you) that she did not mean it and she said it because she was furious.. When i dropped her off at her moms tonight she kissed me on the lips and said i love you.

She looked absolutely amazing to night, I mean gorgeous, When we walked into the restaurant,these 20 something year old guys sitting with their girl friends tweaked their necks watching her walk by, she looks like a model, and thats what makes it even harder to let her go out with out me to bars, its not that i think she will cheat but it is the fact that i am not their and there is a constant flow of men hitting on her, it sucks..

I cant believe that just 2 days ago i was convinced i had lost her for good, god works in mysterious ways..

Any now this is where i took the reins and busted out my list at the dinner table.. I said we need to set boundries so we do not come in contact with temptation, I told her i need to fix "me" and that i am going to do this on my own and go through a 12 step program and go see a councelor by my self.

I told her we both have to be a buyer in this marriage and be 100% committed to each other and avoid temptation or we will fail. I told her i want to read SAA with her and follow it to a tee. There was more on my list but this was some of the stuff i told her..

It seemed as though her list might get us back in this same situation 3 years down the road. I told her we needed drastic change in life style, no more out 3 nights a week at the bars ect even if its just with the girls for fun, and for me, i have already started taking the freeway exit before the hooker exit and going home the back way to avoid temptation later on in the future, it is only 6 minutes out of the way..

I helped spiral this marriage out of control, i need to take it by the horns and steer it to a more safe, honest path. If I dont make change and be stern, she will be lazy about it and i know all our boundaries will be broken down in a few years and we will be dealing with this all over again.. No way! Great help and advice on this forum. And i take all the negative and bashing that i received as help to get my [censored] in gear, thanks.. Tomorrow i start the 12 step.. Here goes everything..

Good for you Jeff. It's a start, and you are moving in the right direction at least !

Look into MB coaching over individual counseling or marriage counceling. You will hear this over and over here. I have found the materials and coaching will cost you less in the long haul as well. Better yet, you will get the help you need.

The day you decide to "wear" this program and each day after will be like your wedding day in your groom wear. The day your wife and you both together "wear" the program will be the day you recite your vows as though for the first time finally fully comprehending the sanctity and preciousness of your marriage to one another. And with the MB framework you will be able to hold it sacrid everyday. Marriage or individual counceling is less likely to help you form this union going forward and can potentially create worse damage to the union.

Folks at the coaching center can help you get your wife onboard with MB and possibly help you bring her home.

I'm not a veteran here and still have my own marriage that needs work. But like many here, my spouse remained reluctant and took a long time to get on board. I helped enable him and was not brave enough to follow all advise. I tried individual and marriage counceling and just about exhausted myself over a two year period. Even read about a zillion other marriage programs. All this effort was a distraction and a waste. I am here today "wearing" MB and see things from a clearer perspective.

Anyway this is why I suggest giving MB coach, such as Steve Harley a try. The destructive habits the two of you formed over a 12 year period will take time shift to healthier patterns and you will likely deal with resistance in some form. My husband and I have been married nearly 33 years and trust me, it does not get easier to break habits that are costly to your marriage.

Its almost like she wants to wait till Jan 1st when she moves back home to work on the marriage, right now she is taking the time to cope with my 80 affairs, I guess i cant blame her.. I have been trying to get her to come home sooner so we could start working on the marriage asap but she said she needs this next month to help her get over this..

We still are going to get together 2 or 3 times a week. I have never been seperated before.. Is this 35 day wait a bad thing or a good thing? I know she will not cheat, she told me if she wanted to cheat again she would not string me along she would just file for D. In this case she wants me back.

I am just missing her and the house is dark and quiet, guess i am not used to this? And maybe I should not keep trying to push her to come home early, maybe I should just let her take the time she needs.. What do you all think? I will look into the program and see if we can swing it financially right now..

Getting together 2- 3 times per week is working on your M.

Make those dates the best that you can.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and complaining. You got yourself into this.

Two or three dates per week! A month? An eye blink!

I wouldn't push her to move back.
Just make changes and let her see them.
You've basically told her a major bomb last week. She needs time to consider if she wants to remain married. She has that right.

And I would use the Plan A method to slowly attract her back.

Did you go to a meeting last night?

Why not use this month to do more to improve yourself? Are you exercising? Eating right? Would your wife like it if you picked out paint together and you started the painting she wants done? Put your time and energy into things like this instead of feeling sorry for yourself.

Yes I am letting her take the time she needs with out bugging her. Its just that yes even though i made HUGE mistakes myself I am having trouble getting over the 6 month affair she had and the other 4 ONS...she was a virgin when i met her...I do not want to just sweep her 5 affairs under the rug as it was not revenge affairs with her, she did not know i was having affairs. Guess thats why im feeling crushed, but yes i know i messed up HUGE too.. i have to own that..

Yes i went to the "Celebrate Recovery" 12 step meeting last night at the church. There was alot of drug addicts, and drunks and a few sex addicts.. I felt out of place in their but I will be going back to the next meeting next monday do to a "open share group" I did not know a 12 step program takes a full year to complete..

Yes I will follow Plan A.. and i am going to start making changes at home, i think she will be coming over this evening to help decorate some more xmas stuff in the house and hang out a bit..

Good advice Wonder, i have been pumping iron and eating better, a month will go by fast..