OK. I'm playing Devil's Advocate with all of this Plan A and B stuff. I know it's all about dealing with affairs, etc. But honestly, how in the world can you stay with a partner/spouse who cheats on you? IMO, cheating is the worse form of betrayal between two people and no matter how hard you try, you can and will never truly get over it.

Does this mean you stay in the marriage for the sake of marriage or the kids? Is it really worth it? I, for one, can never tolerate it and see it as a total deal breaker. Thus far, I've never had to deal with it (as far as I know).

The emotional trauma of having to Plan B just to 'hope' they don't do it again, to me seems so not worth the effort. Not everyone cheats and we should all have more dignity for ourselves. Let the cheater lose you and move on!

I just can't see holding onto someone you know, deep down, probably cares little about you, or at the least, disrespects you. Just my two cents.

Dr. Harley says that the betrayed spouse has the right to divorce and if they want to choose that option, they have every right to. So if your spouse did this to you, then that would be your option. It would probably be mine as well. However, some are still in love with their spouse and it is easier to raise the kids together. There are actual people on this forum who have been through this and ended up with stronger marriages than before they started. I'm sure some of them will chime in. The affair was a wake up call. They fixed their problems and put in place the extraordinary precautions and have better marriages.

Well 60% of marriages have affairs.

Ideally it would be nice if couples can reconcile and learn tools to safeguard their marriages against future infidelity.

I have children and I wish the plan A would have worked for me but it didn't.

Children are better off in a two parent home

Plan B is not to "hope" they don't do it again, at all. It is for the BS to heal and get away from the drama of the WS.

Do you understand what the plans mean?
What are Plan A and Plan B?

If there were a test on Plan B, you'd fail. Plan B is not a plan for recovery, although it does allow for it.

Plan B simply means having no contact whatsoever with the offending spouse. Does that not sound like a good idea to you? You think they would be better continuing contact? Why? Plan B is not trauma; it is the avoidance of trauma.

Plan B is a great strategy for divorced people! It's not tied to holding onto hope for the marriage. It's not something people should abandon because they have no hope for the marriage; on the contrary, if there is no hope for the marriage, that is all the more reason to Plan B (have no contact) for your own protection.

Nobody has to stay in a marriage they don't want to. Nobody has to stay with a cheating spouse.

If you choose not to stay with a cheating spouse, Plan B is a great idea!

Does that clarify things?

The children are the biggest reason for Plan B. If there are no children, except the Wayward Spouse, I would say good riddance to bad rubbish..

But the children, what they learn in their formultive years, and their emotional attachments, and there lack of maturity in understanding, and the turmoil that will effect them if the Wayward continues to torture the Betrayed Spouse...and the BS responds the way any BS would, could, and has a right to, when they're heart is ripped out.. Plan B is the last ditch wake up call, to the WS, that they are about to lose the most precious blessing..

Dr.H is more concerned about those precious little innocent children, and the innocent victims, than the preservation of the marriage by name only, and not in deed also. He would rather see them go their own way, than have them stay together, without really being together..

He has dedicated his lifes work to helping them..Plan B is meant to help both partys

The cheating Party benifets from being left alone to reap the benifets for being a cheater..The betryed from being out of the drama, and trying to move on..

Hi sp12345. You need to read a little more on this site...like how affairs begin and how everyone is wired to have them if the right boundaries are not in place. It is shocking the number of upstanding good people who start to make bad choices under certain conditions.

I did not kick my FWH to the curb because I valued my marriage and family enough to fight to keep them together. I had to try before walking away and causing even more destruction.

It is possible to recover - completely- and it is not easy but well worth it. MB is about EARNING back the trust and rebuilding the romantic love as well as setting up lifestyles that protect the marriage.

MB is great.

Its funny how when years ago, I had left my second wife, just because of her drinking and carousing problems..the reason I even went back two years later, was to protect the children we had together..
She would not go to AA, and continued to live in fantasy world. The little kids deserved better than that, and they had better too. But it was never the dream marriage I always had, and that time is passed now lol. But Plan B for my little childrens sake? Would do it again in a heartbeat..Thats what marriage is for is it not? To procreate and have children? Maybe I missed a memo about that..

Amen to that

You have absolutely no idea what Plan A and Plan B even mean, so instead of asking ignorant questions about a subject about which you are equally ignorant, why not do some research on your subject?

There is a big difference between being a devils advocate and just plain ignorant.

Back in the 60's and 70's Ann Landers would advise when ask by the BS should they divorce their WS after an affair.

Her reply was are you better with the WS or without the WS in your life.

Everyone has a choice to make. A choice that they have weigh out everything then make the correct decision for themself.

MB, exposure, plan A, plan B, are tools to used to help make that decision along with ending an affair, healing, recovering the marriage, having a better marraige post dday then before the affair.

There have been many people here that said if their spouse ever stepped out on them it would be instant divorce. Instead they went for recovery.

Also not every WS that had an affair was looking to divorce their BS either. Once the WS was caught they threw their AP under the bus and begged their BS to take them back.

I believe no one really for sure knows what they would do or how they would feel until actually in that situation. Everyone makes their own choice whether to leave or stay.

It doesn't seem that you have read the concepts and descriptions of what Plan A and B are. What you are speaking of is not the plan here. Dr. Harley teaches things that make the marriage better than it was before an affair and practices that prevent another one from occurring. It is not just hope.