GOI12,

You now have received virtually the same advice from colleagues here with over 75,000 posts among us.

What do you think the odds would be that we were all wrong on this matter?

Please read.

Conflict Avoidance is the kiss of death

So I saw OWH yesterday and asked him if he had gotten my messages... He told me to stay out of his family's business and to stop harassing his wife. He was really angry with me and seems to think that I just don't like OW so I am trying to create problems for her marriage. I think that she has already had months to feed him bs. He has been looking at me as scum for several months, so I guess that door has shut.

Herein lies the reason to expose and to expose promptly after dday.

Time to let friends in common in on the A. If the OWH isnt too broken up about it and unconcerned, maybe some of these FIC will be wary of letting their husbands be friendly with this woman.

This guys is a cuckolded loser, by the way. Its not inconceivable he's into it. Man, banging another dude while carrying my baby 4-months into pregnancy would have put me over the edge. This guy and his pig wife blame you? Dont think anyone else brought this up, but are we sure OW's kid is NOT your husbands?

Anyway, get on the rooftops and let everyone know. You got nothing else. It seems OWH and OW and your husband think your nuts to be angry about this, show them what angry is.

If you bury this and let it stew within, you, lady, will be suffering and Im not doctor but you can guarantee health reprecussions. Thats just one of the beauties of exposure, it sets you free mentally. You wont be alone.

Should have asked "you know that your wife and my husband had an affair? I've been trying to get a hold of you"

OW told him that you are sending mean and hateful messages to her and never showed him anything. She has told him how crazy you are. I'm sure OW's BH is oblivious.

His (OW's H) opinion of YOU is not important. Who cares? However ..... a seed has been planted in his mind. Raising doubts/questions about his wife's fidelity IS important.

Have you already placed a hidden GPS on WH's vehicle?

I read over the conflict avoidance relief posts. I think that the "complaining in a marriage" and the "policy of joint agreement" are very applicable to my marriage. The letter from the husband might as well have been from my own husband... He often expresses "why can't you just be happy?". I am the giver for sure, many times I sacrifice myself to make him happy and it seems that he expects it now. If I express disappointment or tell him I don't want him to do something, he tells me I am trying to control him... He always says that I am nagging him even if it something so trivial, like asking him to read to our kids or give them a bath at bedtime.

GO12,

Are you going to consider moving? If you are in a small town and see OW, OWH, their kids...it is going to be triggerfest city for you and even WH.

She sees them almost everyday, because their kids are in the same school.

I know...that's why I don't see much hope here unless someone moves. Not to mention WH's attitude sucks...

What are you going to require of WH?

Did you not tell him the truth? Wasn't the whole point to tell him the truth? His wife has lied to him about you harrassing her. That is why he was upset. You need to correct his understanding by telling him the truth.

Your conflict avoidance and timidity is not helping you one bit. You allow people to run all over you for some reason.

Exactly.


So what 6 months to another year of you seeing OW almost daily?

I required no contact with OW and I think that is happening. I left him in Sept 2011 because he was continuing to talk to her at work (calling her from their phone) and she couldn't resist texting to tell me. After that I don't think that they have had contact. I think that the biggest obstacle is that I am not supposed to talk about it with him. He just wants to bury it and not address why it happened.

That's it?

NC isn't going to last long if they run into each other at the school or other places. You said your town is small...there's a high probability of contact.

You have the bar in the dirt, GO12. If you don't raise it high, the only thing that is going to happen is enduring a miserable marriage/life with your WH year after year.

You are cruising towards lifetime of misery. You are not happy and Im sorry to say it only is going to get worse. You are not following the MUST DO's of Marriage Builders and it shows.

You clearly have not exposed this enough.

You have not learned all that you require about this affair.

You have not been compensated by your husband in any form.

You have not confirmed nor been assured of no contact.

You husband seems to have independent thoughts and actions.

You are in a bad place and until you become unafraid to act you will stay there.

The affair ended over a year and of course you sound like a whacko coming forward now to tell OW's jerk husband. Dont wait any longer to start doing whats necessary. Expose some more until you feel secure. Lay out what you need from your H to be made whole. You must know about all his action, conversations, and movements. And so much more.

This is your life too. Stop being everyone whipping post. You are teaching your children terrible life lessons.

If you a-scared that the end result of this process just may be divorce, then you are doomed to repeat the past.

No I don't let other people walk all over me. I am a kind person, but no one messes with my family. I feel like the affair has allowed for my husband and I to start over and make our relationship even better. Our FIC do know about the affair and the people that my husband works for do as well as our family members. I feel like I am kicking a dead horse if I keep bringing it up. I have forgiven my husband and I just want to move on. I wanted to expose the affair to OW husband, but for whatever reason, he wishes to pretend it didn't happen. I don't care. I am not going to keep bringing it up every time I see him. I gave him the information and he can choose to hate me for it if that is what he wishes. I can handle that because I know that I did nothing wrong. I am moving on from thinking about OW and her family. Now when I think about her, I send a prayer to God to help her family and her. This seems to be more healing than anything else that I have done so far. My family is not on the brink of divorce. I just want some tools to heal fully... Much of what you guys are saying is very helpful and I appreciate your taking the time to help families like mine. Can we move on from exposure? It has been exposed and I am very confidant that the OW is out of my husbands life. I know want to make sure no other OW comes into our lives.

I want to make my relationship strong enough that my husband will not feel the need to have another OW...

Has your WH writen a NC letter?

The OW is feeding her BH a load of bs to deflect the reality. You have, by not addressing it early and fully, allowed her to walk over you and set up the next meeting. I speak to from experience.

My WW waited 14 years to reconnect. The first time, i had no exposure, no follow up, and she found a way to reconnect.

If he won't talk to you, send him a certified letter to his office. It's a small town right, you should be able to find his office. He needs to have the information, he may want to contact your WH to verify. Let the men talk. Once you are sure he has all the information, Your husband should write the NC letter and allow you to read it.

Send one to OW, and if it were me, I'd send a copy to OWH. Your battle to regain your marriage can not really start until you do these two steps. Again. Been there, did it wrong (like you are now)..... Didn't work.

OK. Exposure is done to your satisfaction.

Have you given your husband a list of things you expect from him in compensation for his affair? I know you did not.

If you did, number one would be making you feel secure his cheating days are over and you still have those concerns.

Giving him sex to meets his needs for it is all well and good but doing it simply because he went elsewhere for it in the past is bad.

You need real assurance you are his only. He does this through actions. He does this by writing a No Contact letter that you approve and mail. He does this by letting you know all his travels and people he's meeting. He does this asking you how you are doing.

My wife stands on her head to make sure I know of your every move even 19 months later. My big need was in the bedroom so she makes every effort to make that all I need.

You need to tell him what you want. He cheated. Its on him to make you better.

ok, good deal. The first step is for your husband to send a no contact letter to the OW and her husband. This will achieve several purposes. It will a) tell the skank to never contact him again, b) assure the OWH that you are not lying and convince him there was an affair and c) be a good will gesture to you.

Since you have a devious OW who will intercept anything from your or your husband, I would send one to her at home and cc her husband at his workplace or parent's home to ensure he gets it.



here


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX