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Joined: Nov 2012
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Hey everyone, just wanted to let you guys know I been doing.

The relationship between me and wife have been getting better. Although I sometimes get hit by my depression which seems to be on and off. Today I found myself just sitting in my car not really wanting to do anything on my way to college. My depression comes in "waves" at times and is very unpredictable. My guess is since I had kept a lot of it bottled up deep inside.

I think now my wife knows the true extend of damage because of her actions. I try my best to hide it but she notices anyways.
When my wife cheated on me, she didn't just lose my trust but my confidence, my affections , and the way I uses to look at her. Every time she sees me like that, she starts crying and can't stop telling me how much she regretted what she had done to me.

I have tried my best to avoid reveling my depression to her because although she hurt me more than anyone has ever had I still don't want her to suffer.

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Michael
I am sorry that you are depressed.
I suggest you visit a doctor and ask if you need anti depressant medication.

Regarding your recovery, I suggest you follow the Marriage Builder recovery program.

Have you read the book Surviving an Affair by Dr Willard Harley?

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Micheal,
The wound is still fresh and what you feel us normal. See a dr about some anti depressants if you feel you aren't getting any better. I was on them myself for 6 months.

Hang in there and follow the advice of those on this forum.


Me (BH): 42
Her (WS): 39
Married 19 yrs
DD: 16, DD: 11, DD: 7
D-Day: 7-5-2011, Caught searching 10-15-2012
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Not yet as I been extreme busy with college and work. The end of the semester in only a couple of days now I even though I am doing great in my class I don't want to slip up.

I really appreciate all the support and advice. My friends at work have been trying their best to cheer me up and I already have a feeling they got something planned.

I want so badly to forget about my wife's mistake more than anything. I depressingly want to love her the same way. To shower her in my affection the way I uses to before. I miss her smile so much, that is tears me up inside that I still can't seem to fully overcome this rage and sadness.

I still feel like this is all my fault. That I deserve my wife cheating on me.

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No one deserves that.


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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MJR,

Your feelings are normal.... its a rcoaster and there will be some very deep drops. Hold in there. Keep coming here with updates. See a Dr about some AD's if you feel you cannot slow the drops. I did and it worked for me.

Stay strong and good luck on your finals.


Me (BH): 42
Her (WS): 39
Married 19 yrs
DD: 16, DD: 11, DD: 7
D-Day: 7-5-2011, Caught searching 10-15-2012
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No one deserves to be cheated on. She could have taken another route. The saying is .. "There are reasons, but no excusses"

Hang in there. Time will ease the shock and aw of the affair.


Me (BH): 42
Her (WS): 39
Married 19 yrs
DD: 16, DD: 11, DD: 7
D-Day: 7-5-2011, Caught searching 10-15-2012
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Originally Posted by MichaelJR2012
I want so badly to forget about my wife's mistake more than anything. I depressingly want to love her the same way. To shower her in my affection the way I uses to before. I miss her smile so much, that is tears me up inside that I still can't seem to fully overcome this rage and sadness.

I still feel like this is all my fault. That I deserve my wife cheating on me.

Michael. There is a narrow path that you need to follow to rebuild the trust and romantic love. It does not happen on its own. I tell you that from personal experience. It took me over a year after DDAY to find MB. I found MB because I was not getting past the rage even after over a year later and the reason I was not getting past the rage and hurt is because I had no idea what to do. MB gave me the direction to follow to be in my now recovered marriage.

You have found MB but you do not seem to be implementing any of the recovery items and in order to recover, you need to implement every single one of them. You have to pick up the tools and use them.

Have you:
exposed to people of influence in BOTH WW and OM life?
established NC for life?
spend 20+ hrs of UA time per week?
exercise POJA and RH?
established complete transparency?
eliminated all conditions that allowed a secret second life to be possible?
Identified each others EN so you can each begin to meet them?
Read the book Surviving an Affair?

Where are you with these? Trying to just forget and sweep it under the rug is not in your best interests if you would like to recover and be in a happy and healthy marriage.



ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

Recovered

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Michael,

Is the OM still close by, and do you or your W pass by that pet store on a daily basis?

Have you confronted the OM or exposed him?

God Bless
Gamma

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Originally Posted by MichaelJR2012
Not yet as I been extreme busy with college and work. The end of the semester in only a couple of days now I even though I am doing great in my class I don't want to slip up.

I really appreciate all the support and advice. My friends at work have been trying their best to cheer me up and I already have a feeling they got something planned.

I want so badly to forget about my wife's mistake more than anything. I depressingly want to love her the same way. To shower her in my affection the way I uses to before. I miss her smile so much, that is tears me up inside that I still can't seem to fully overcome this rage and sadness.

I still feel like this is all my fault. That I deserve my wife cheating on me.

Why do you feel it is your fault?
What have you done that makes you believe that ?

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To be honest, I am not exactly sure. I was feeling pretty down that day for some reason.

My guess is, its not what I did that the affair then happen as a result but more so on what I could have done more to provide it.I know that I can get pretty busy and with my wife working as well sometimes we might not always have time for each other.

However, I still can't shake the feeling that I really did my best. I always put my work aside whenever she asked. I can't read her thoughts unless she tells me. I don't focus her to tell me anything but I guess she misunderstood me. Which might have been why she felt she was being neglected but I still can't place my finger on it.

I have devoted so much time and effort to always make sure that she knew I love her. In fact, this might be the cause of my anger that I can't find any good reason why she would cheat on me. I can not even recall any part of our marriage that was neglected for more than 2 days. I feel so infuriated. I myself have never cheated but when I try to put myself in her shoes I can not pick out any reason that would be big enough to lead to an affair.

This is probably making me so anger because I feel she still has not given me the real answer about why she did it. At first, it was many thing but now she is unsure which pisses me off. The only thing worst that not having a good reason why is not having one at all.

Last edited by MichaelJR2012; 12/07/12 12:52 PM.
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Stop grilling her about it!!! Your wife probably can't give you a solid reason why because there isn't one, other than poor boundaries around men.

Dr. Harley's most basic premise is that we are ALL wired to have affairs.

A lot of times a spouse will stray because their emotional needs aren't being met and someone else steps in and starts meeting them.

Other times emotional needs can be met just fine by the spouse, but an affair happens anyway.

The whole marriage builders program is based on two things: Eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible by putting into place extraordinary precautions, and restore romantic love by meeting each other's most important emotional needs.

Poor boundaries around men is why she had the affair - now you have your answer so stop persecuting her about it, and stop beating yourself up about it. And get busy restoring romantic love!

Last edited by schtoop; 12/07/12 01:07 PM.
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Yes, Pokerface most of your questions have already been answered in my previous posts. Although I still have a lot of pent up emotions, I do not plan to police my wife.

I do not have the energy or time. The way I see things, it took so much out of me to forgive her and gave her a second chance. If a 2nd affair were to happen and I hope to god that never happens but if it were to happen then I would not have it in me to do it again.

Anyways, with my exams coming to a close on the 11th I need to stay focus on completing my courses with the best grades I can achieve. I do not want all my efforts to go to waste at the end. Funny when you think about it, how I can related my classes to my marriage. But at least my effort were rewarded in my classes, wish I could have said the same in my marriage.

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Schtoop, I have only asked her 2 times. I only feel that its should be fair that I know why. I am not "grilling her" so please don't make me out me be the bad guy. I am only telling you what I feel right now.

Can you at least put yourself in my shoes? You put literally years of your life into a marriage, only to have it taken from you. My wife was honestly the first and only girl I have ever open up to and gave her everything. She had my love, trust, and I never kept any secrets from her. I always thought about her everyday. I wanted to find new places to go but to only share it with her. I share everything I had with her then for her to take that and share it with another makes me sick inside.

Last edited by MichaelJR2012; 12/07/12 01:16 PM.
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Originally Posted by MichaelJR2012
Yes, Pokerface most of your questions have already been answered in my previous posts. Although I still have a lot of pent up emotions, I do not plan to police my wife.

I do not have the energy or time. The way I see things, it took so much out of me to forgive her and gave her a second chance. If a 2nd affair were to happen and I hope to god that never happens but if it were to happen then I would not have it in me to do it again.



I didn't say that you should police your wife.

You haven't read the book or much on this site have you? Get the book Michael...things will start to make sense.


ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

Recovered

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Originally Posted by MichaelJR2012
Schtoop, I have only asked her 2 times. I only feel that its should be fair that I know why. I am not "grilling her" so please don't make me out me be the bad guy. I am only telling you what I feel right now.

Can you at least put yourself in my shoes? You put literally years of your life into a marriage, only to have it taken from you. My wife was honestly the first and only girl I have ever open up to and gave her everything. She had my love, trust, and I never kept any secrets from her. I always thought about her everyday. I wanted to find new places to go but to only share it with her. I share everything I had with her then for her to take that and share it with another makes me sick inside.

Michael
I am in your shoes. I was married for 28 years when my W had her A.
I am 52 and she still is the only woman I have ever been with.
I used to be the only man she had ever been with.
I stayed awake for days and lost 90 pounds trying to understand why.
I found out why... poor boundaries with OS and unmet EN's on top of 25 years of IB. The same as your wife and every other WS.
It will get better over time if you follow MB concepts.
Listen to the vets here and read SAA and every thing on MB.
I hindered our M recovery by not following the narrow path , don't make the same mistake brother!


Me 59 newly married after being a widow
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Wle,
That is not necessarily true.
Your wife may have had an affair even if you polished her shoes every morning.

It is a choice that they make.

If unmet emotional needs were a reason, then everyone with disabled spouse would be having affairs.

It is a choice.

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Originally Posted by MichaelJR2012
Schtoop, I have only asked her 2 times. I only feel that its should be fair that I know why. I am not "grilling her" so please don't make me out me be the bad guy. I am only telling you what I feel right now.

Can you at least put yourself in my shoes? You put literally years of your life into a marriage, only to have it taken from you. My wife was honestly the first and only girl I have ever open up to and gave her everything. She had my love, trust, and I never kept any secrets from her. I always thought about her everyday. I wanted to find new places to go but to only share it with her. I share everything I had with her then for her to take that and share it with another makes me sick inside.


It's a horrible thing to have full trust in someone and be stabbed in the back.

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Originally Posted by schtoop
Stop grilling her about it!!! Your wife probably can't give you a solid reason why because there isn't one, other than poor boundaries around men.

Dr. Harley's most basic premise is that we are ALL wired to have affairs.

A lot of times a spouse will stray because their emotional needs aren't being met and someone else steps in and starts meeting them.

Other times emotional needs can be met just fine by the spouse, but an affair happens anyway.

The whole marriage builders program is based on two things: Eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible by putting into place extraordinary precautions, and restore romantic love by meeting each other's most important emotional needs.

Poor boundaries around men is why she had the affair - now you have your answer so stop persecuting her about it, and stop beating yourself up about it. And get busy restoring romantic love!

It really is about poor boundaries.
The bible says The Heart of man is desperately wicked.
We desire sin. We crave the darkness.

Satan wants to destroy families and marriages. He wants fatherless children that turn to drugs and gangs.

Your wife was tempted and fell into sin.

To ask the specific reason why is to ask Why did eve eat the fruit?

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Originally Posted by MichaelJR2012
In fact, this might be the cause of my anger that I can't find any good reason why she would cheat on me. I can not even recall any part of our marriage that was neglected for more than 2 days. I feel so infuriated. I myself have never cheated but when I try to put myself in her shoes I can not pick out any reason that would be big enough to lead to an affair.

This is probably making me so anger because I feel she still has not given me the real answer about why she did it. At first, it was many thing but now she is unsure which pisses me off. The only thing worst that not having a good reason why is not having one at all.

Why, is a pointless question when asking a WS why did you have an affair.

Remember whether the OP was a master manipulator, or the the WS had poor boundaries, Or they let the OP get to close and got on the slippery slope of an EA that went down hill to a PA.

The WS as WS do rewrite their marriage history to justify them having an affair. On dday that false history implodes.

The BS that needs to know why is just looking for a reason to beat themselves up for neglecting their WS, or to prove to their WS that there was no reason for their WS to pin the affair on the BS.

Out side of getting the WS to admit that they are a hoe/manhoe. There is no reason to push for the why.

And, recovery will not work well when the BS keeps calling their WS a hoe/manhoe.

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