Question for the group.....

As a BH, I'm not to bring up the PA ( I've read that several times, and heard Dr H say it on the radio ). But we are not dumb, she knows when I say I want to look at her phone, or she sees me reading this forum, that I'm doing these things bc of the affair.

One of the new EP's, See October relaps, is that I can at anytime ask to see her phone and can read anything on it. My question.... Doesn't this just spark a trigger for the both of us? Of those BH and BW's out there, do you still spy on your FWS? Is that healthy or does it just keep the affair alive?

I'm not giving up spying. The radar and defense shields are up at all times.

Don't reveal all your snooping venues.

If she ever becomes wayward again......she will go deeper to hide it.

Yes be aware that there are two ways to go..complete honesty and willingness to be checked on, and deeper into waywardness.

If she has any commpassion for what you went through, she will become open about the business she had with OM..

It might take time, but only so much time. That will be for you to judge, with the help of Dr H.

Thanks. Did either of you just ask, or did you sneak around and snoop? If I sneak and snoop, it seems like I'm being dishonest.

I found the site after my wifes death, but I knew what she was doing

There are plenty of ppl here who worked out recovery from the place you find yourself at, that you can ask that question of.

The game you want to be playing is more "Monopoly" (predictable path, accumulating benefits and avoiding setbacks) than the "Shoots and Ladders" (jumping ahead and falling behind randomly).

She has NO right to expect that after her most recent infidelity you should be beyond snooping. (Look, three years past d-night, with POSOM dead and rotting, I still occasionally poke into bride's e-mail accounts.) Your problem is that while you "snooped" the discomfort of finding something negative was redirected back at you. That is the wrong place for it.

October's "break" in your case moved you backwards to illicit "activity", and therefore your actions should be consistent with that status, and given the demonstrated weakness/failure of WW to "get the message" the first time, merely applying the same level of supervision and (vacant) consequences will open the door for her to fail again. This was hinted before and you never directly answered: What is the committed consequence of her breaking NC the next time? (And "TTS will feel hurt and wounded!" is quite the incorrect answer!!)

As far as being "dishonest": Grow up, dude! Tell her that you will do everything in your power to protect the marriage you two have, for yourselves and your family. There, you have just effectively told her you plan to snoop and probe forever. Now you must "honestly" follow through.

Verifying NC is what repairs the broken trust.

A remorsefull WW that has nothing to hide hides nothing. She also knows that her BH needs to verify that their is NC. Her BH can not heal if he can not rest easy. So the WW should embrace that her BH checking up on her is way of her proving that she is no longer wayward.

During and after the affair is over the BH should never reveal any of his means to verify NC. Obvious checking of the WW cell can not be hidden from the WW and should not be. Though all other means must be kept secret.

The BH needing to check is his normal need to feel safe. Doing something that makes you rest easy is not triggering. Seeing her BH rest easy should not trigger the WW.

My wife knows I check the phone records, and then will physically check her phone if anything out of the ordinary appears.

It is now HABIT that any call/text that would fit that bill... she notifies me of immediately.

I don't have to ask. It isn't brought up in any strange manner, just an FYI;

"FYI, there might be a strange number on the phone, a coworker asked to borrow my phone and made a call."

"FYI, I got a wrong number call from someone looking for 'Jose,' so there will be a weird number."

Using the online bill, I can verify these things.

Once transparency becomes a HABIT, it is NOT a reminder of infidelity, but a demonstration of consistent care.

There you are..trust...Trust that checking is paramount to the relationship, and it is because of care for your WW, not control of her.

Watching each others back, for the sneaky crap that comes up and tries to slide in between the two, is part of the deal..and trusting that what they do, is for your sake, is part of that too.

I Think we can agree that it is a dangerous world full of temptation and tests to our character, that means we must watch out for each other, and that it is a part of marraige.

Trusting each other comes with a cost, transparency, and humility..to the one you share your life with..It is the deal of course when we sign up for marriage is it not?

Getting married is the beginning of learning, not the end of life, it is something that has to be worked every day, and time given it, and trust