My husband age 41 has been having an affair with a 29 year old married co-worker for 2 years now. It was hidden all of 2011 until I confronted him in March 2012. He said they agreed to not leave their families and would stop the affair, but it continues. I have been with my husband for over 20 years, and I love him dearly. he has said I did nothing wrong, just that he loves me but not the right way anymore, says he is not attracted to me like a wife. We have children ages 4 and 9, while the other woman has a 3 year old child and husband. In my opinion, we neglected our marriage after the birth of our second child. He worked longer hours, and I became mommy and housewife all the time, while he played all day with the other woman. I made changes in myself this year to address what I decided could be better. My husband noticed my changes in September, said I was like a new person, but he would not end the affair. I was following similar recovery programs to Dr. Harley's, so my actions have been along the lines of Plan A. I have tried my best to be calm, constant and consistent in how I deal with him. On the few occasions we fight about the other woman, I lose ground. Sadly I fell off the program in a weak moment and listened to a friend who inflamed me to confront the other woman. He was irate and moved into an apartment at Thanksgiving. He has threatened to divorce me for the other woman and says he loves her and is leaving me for her. The other woman's husband was basically waiting out the affair like I was. But he moved out a few days after my husband did. I am very afraid my husband will divorce me. Please don't tell me I'd be better off or that I'll get over this and move on. I'm not that person. I don't want to be without him as my husband, period. I must save my marriage. I have been so fearful of doing anything to upset him, and always knew I needed to do everything to keep him in our home, I screwed up. Now that he moved out, I am more desperate than ever. Honestly, would mass exposure at this point have a real chance of working? My husband says he is tired of hiding the affair and wants to be with her, so he doesnt care who knows. My husband and the woman refuse to quit their jobs. The boss found out and separated their work duties, but they still meet at lunch and before/after to fool around. The other woman is the type to care about what others think, so exposure might hurt her. But I don't know if it is too late now since the affair has dragged out and now all of us are separated for 3 weeks now. I want my husband home and rebuild our marriage. I need the other husbands help to do exposure, but he has been out of touch and I don't know if he will talk to me. I need Dr. Harley's opinion here, is it too late? [spoiler][/spoiler]Help.

You need to read Surviving An Affair.

Purchase a copy today.

Don't be afraid of losing your husband. You can not have a chance of saving the marriage if you let fear guide you.

Get the book. Read it. Follow it and

'Woman up" and be the best woman you can be.

Whatever happens in your future.....you have YOU. Learn to respect and love yourself as you work the Marriage Builder Plans stringently following them to the T.

. I've been dealing with discovery for 10 months now, so I have some strength but nothing I do in the positive has made a difference on him. The affair keeps growing and will only grow more with him at his own place. I've read the materials over and over. I can't determine if exposure would push him to divorce at this very late date, instead of damaging the affair. What about the other husband, this affects him too and exposure to her family/friends is the only path. The employer already knows and my in-laws already know about their only son having the affair.

Hi, Gemini.

Things can be slow around here on weekends, but it should pick up tomorrow.

Exposure really is your best option. The affair should be exposed far and wide. You should expose to everyone on your side as well as the OW's side. You should also tell your children, in an age-appropriate manner.

You have been enabling your husband's affair by keeping it a secret and putting up with the behavior long enough, and you can clearly see that doesn't work.

I recommend you order a copy of "Surviving an Affair" and read everything on this site regarding affairs. MB offers a very solid plan for ending affairs and recovering the marriage. Of course, there are no guarantees, but if you continue along the path you are on now, your marriage really has no hope at all.

Oh wow. You have allowed this to go on for so long that it will be tough to resolve. The only hope you have is exposure and that is certainly not a guarantee. You have pushed your marriage right towards divorce by keeping it a secret.

If there is to be any chance at all, you have to expose it in a very nuclear way.

It's really hard to save a marriage when you have been an enabler, but if you can pull off a very strategic exposure there is a small chance.


Your ENABLING is pushing him towards divorce. As you can see.

Dr Harley would tell you to expose the affair and then go into Plan B. In fact, you might even go right into Plan B first and then expose it. At the very least, you have to stop being an enabler and start operating on the best interest of the marriage. So far, you have only helped the affair.

If you understand Plan B.......

it is exactly what is called for now.

If nothing else.....you will find that you do not have to be so desperate to save the marriage.

You can heal.

He might end his affair and try to reconcile with you too. No guarantee but there is the possibility.

Confronting the OW is about the ONLY thing you have done right this whole time. Dr Harley recommends the very same thing.

The reason you have been unsuccessful is because you have brought a pea shooter to a gun fight and got your [censored] shot off. Your entire goal has been to avoid pissing off your WH, while the MB goal is to kill the affair and save the marriage.

You have to take a strategic and comprehensive approach to killing an affair. Confronting the OW is only one small part of it. You have to cause as much trouble as possible in the affair in order to kill it without being timid or being fearful of ticking off the affairees.

Do you still have the support of this good friend who gave you the advice to confront the OW? If so, I would enlist her help in the future because you desperately need the support of someone who has some fight in her.

Do you mean that or do you want a quick fix?

The plans to bust up an A can take up to two years and may involve you hitting the A with a death blow exposure and then waiting some time for the A to fall apart. Affairs don't last well in the real world and 95 per cent fall apart within two years.

Confronting the OW was a great idea!!! He has been telling her you don't love him and live as roommates for the sake of the children. I am sure he was pissed when his stories were found out. You prabably caused the soulmate shmoopies to have a huge row! Great work!

He got angry because you were on the right lines. He wanted you to back off int Plan Doormat. He plans to introduce her as an innocent new love. Not a skanky mistress. And he needs to shut you up for that.

He doesn't want you to be loving and fight for him. It makes him feel guilty.

If you had an A, wouldn't you expect your H to FIGHT the A if he still loved you???

Keeping quiet might save your marriage short term. He would be delighted to co-parent with you peacefully while sneaking off to his whore when he wants his addiction to danger and excitement fixing.

Exposure might end your marriage short term. It would show your love for him and make the A difficult and embarrasing to continue with. Yet they may give it a go anyway. But very few affairs last.

It's up to you. Do you want a long term plan that has a chance for success or do you want to keep the peace while he cheats on you? Keep the peace while he sets up home with her, but expects you to carry on being his divorce pal, his mainstay, his kids' mother?



If you behave desperately he will use you.

He thinks he can divorce, introduce her to all as the innocent flower who mended his heart and be introduced to her friends as a nice guy so she doesn't look like a home wrecker to her married friends.

You of course will be expected to keep your mouth shut and abet this.

You won't be allowed to have a broken heart. You will be expected to smile and play nice for the sake of the kids.

You, he, OW and OWBH will all get together with your kids for holidays, hold hands and sing kumbaya.

Tell him this divorce fantasy will never happen and ask his family to tell him they will never accept her EVER.

Expose them far and wide and read Melody Lanes Exposure thread for tips on a more effective workplace exposure.

My WW asked me for a divorce on 5/12 and the affair started roughly at the same time. She planned to bring her OP to family events like her nephews' birthday parties, her mother's side's autumn party, etc. by 10/12.

I exposed on 9/12. Needless to say, those poor kids didn't have to deal with trying to figure out why Uncle Qoheleth wasn't at the party but some new guy was, and whilst some of her family members aren't happy with me, none of them are excited about meeting my WW's new guy either.

Please expose as soon as possible. The only reason for delay should be to get ready (e.g. get a list of your spouse's friends on Facebook, get phone numbers out of your spouse's phone, etc.)

Exposure is the right thing for both you AND your spouse--even if your marriage ends in divorce--at least you are helping them with their own personal recovery. The next person they have an affair with might be a lot more dangerous. A jealous spouse might physically attack them. They might lose their job over it, or even end up in legal trouble/in prison. They might have an unplanned pregnancy or get an STD.

You need to expose, get into Plan A, and when the time comes, get into Plan B. The affair will probably end (and one or both of them might get fired--I would certainly fire any of my employees who exposed ME to those kind of sexual harassment lawsuits, not to mention the lost producitivity).

Your marriage might have a chance of working again after the affair is exposed, the affair eventually ends, you enter Plan B, and your husband finds out how lonely life is without you.

Thank you everyone. My husband already threatened divorce to be with the other woman. I think the apartment is his practice and a place for them to meet. The other woman is one of those who has everything. Young, beautiful, outgoing bubbly personality, everyone loves her, everyone wants to make her happy, and im not exaggerating. I think her husband even just wants her to be happy with her decision (he just moved out too). The confrontation with the other woman went badly and she attacked me with such hatred, something nobody would believe unless you saw it. She is so loved by everyone, wouldn't my exposure letters make me look like a nut and desperate fool? In my state, it is no fault so the adultery would not gain me any advantage for custody of our kids. But would my action of exposure make me look bad to a judge, that I'm unstable or vindictive? What about legal liability for invading her privacy or slandering her character? What about if a judge sees me as being an unfit parent for taking such a radical emotional action? My husband already spouted off he wants half custody of our kids. In my state, I'd be fighting to have them more than half the time. Has anyone experienced the exposure tactic being used against their character in a divorce? I just can't regret more things I do. Thank you

Thank you everyone. My husband already threatened divorce to be with the other woman. I think the apartment is his practice and a place for them to meet. The other woman is one of those who has everything. Young, beautiful, outgoing bubbly personality, everyone loves her, everyone wants to make her happy, and im not exaggerating. I think her husband even just wants her to be happy with her decision (he just moved out too). The confrontation with the other woman went badly and she attacked me with such hatred, something nobody would believe unless you saw it. She is so loved by everyone, wouldn't my exposure letters make me look like a nut and desperate fool? In my state, it is no fault so the adultery would not gain me any advantage for custody of our kids. But would my action of exposure make me look bad to a judge, that I'm unstable or vindictive? What about legal liability for invading her privacy or slandering her character? What about if a judge sees me as being an unfit parent for taking such a radical emotional action? My husband already spouted off he wants half custody of our kids. In my state, I'd be fighting to have them more than half the time. Has anyone experienced the exposure tactic being used against their character in a divorce? I just can't regret more things I do. Thank you

You can be assured that her BH is NOT happy about his WW's affair with your H; he most likely doesn't have a plan and is afraid of her anger.


She wants you to just go away and not give her/them any trouble, make it nice and easy for them to carry on with their adultery. Exposure is extremely valuable as a tool with the best chance of breaking up the A but also as support for you. Sure, there will be some who will support the A, but most people abhor adultery.


Some on this forum live in no fault states but still obtain some advantage with some judges. Document. Behave well. Read up on Plan A. There is nothing unstable or vindictive about a great Plan A.


Truth is a defense for slander. While some here have been threatened with a lawsuit for slander, no one has actually carried it out. Make sure you have proof and keep it secure.


You will have to get a bulldog lawyer who will fight on your behalf. Waywards make poor parents, because their decisions are often based on selfishness. Document all that happens; it can be valuable in a legal fight.

Go back and read your thread and read through the links. Have you seen this article by Dr. Harley? How to Survive Infidelity

Marriage Builders is the hands down BEST plan out there, but you will need to follow each step of the plan carefully and courageously.

Don't be afraid of the anger of the waywards; be afraid of doing nothing and enabling them to continue. You have received solid guidance from people here who have been in affairs themselves and recovered their marriages, been betrayed and have recovered marriages, and from people who weren't able to recover their marriages in spite of valiant efforts but who have recovered themselves. You really have nothing to lose by following the MB plan.

Look at the affair as a drug. They want it kept secrete so no one knows and they can continue using. Telling people they have a drug problem ( the affair ) is not slander or vindictive. It is what is needed for them to receive the help each one needs, but refuses to ask for. How long would you let them use in front of you if you knew telling others would help them stop?

Expose far and fast for the best results. Don't do what I did, it took me months to get the word out, and my recovery has suffered because of it.

Stay strong, be positive ( especially around him and kids ) and watch how many people come to your aide in battling this addiction. The BH may find the courage to join you, if that happens, let us know. At some point, NO Contact will be in place.

That is rarely true in no fault states. In many no fault states, adultery is taken into accounht.


Of course not.


You would not "slander" her, you would tell the truth. She does not have a "right to privacy" that supercedes your right to free speech. Do you live in America? See, in America we have free speech rights. It is not against the law to tell truth. But if the OW DID sue you for your exposure, that would be GREAT FUN to have all of her emails and cell phone records subpoenaed under discovery and having her affair dragged through the public court system! You should welcome the opportunity.


That is an irrational fear that is not based on reality. I have observed hundreds of exposures in 12 years and have never seen anything like you desribe.

Your RISK is not the fallout of exposure, but DIVORCE. You are headed to divorce RIGHT NOW as a result of inaction.

Do you have some concrete, undeniable evidence of the affair that you can post on the internet? One of the most effective exposures you can do is to upload any pictures, loveletters, etc to a website and include the link in your exposure letters. That way the skank cannot deny it.

Additionally, if you expose wide and far, the affairees will not be welcome into each others families by most family members. So even if your exposure does not kill it dead right away, it will hasten its death in the future by virtue of the damage caused by exposure. The infidels will not be welcome in many circles.

Exposure is not an 'emotional' action. It is part of a tactical and logical PLAN to end affairs and save marriages, created by a psychologist who has been saving marriages from infidelity for over 30 years.

The woman has her Facebook site on high privacy setting. I had my sister and a friend try to access her site in case it was only me she blocked, but it seems to be everyone. So I can't access her Friend list. Only doing exposure on my husband is not going to have a fatal impact. His employer and our immediate family already know. She must be included in full exposure for it to have a chance to work. Nobody knowing her would believe she would have an affair. I can agree she would be mortified. I plan to try and convince her husband to join the idea. But right now he is barely speaking and I don't think wants to do anything to hurt or embarrass her, or himself. He told me he has not told a single person all year about the affair. I don't know how he has managed mentally all this time. What is the best thing I could do while I try to work on the husband to join in? I have 2 small children and Christmas is almost here. I do need to think about that in regards to strategy. The 2 counselors I work with say he's in a MLC and doubt anything I do would sway him. I love him dearly. I dread waking up each day thinking, "not this again". I have few friends and family to support me. My family is across the country, and most of my friends don't support my decision to save my marriage and take him back if he ever snaps out of the fog.

Try this.
Facebook:a back door to see more

You're in Plan A so read this.
Carrot and Stick of Plan A