Hello my name is Jeff, Im 34 and my wife is 31, we have been together for 13 years and married for 9 years and 4 months. First of all my marriage is probably the most crazy one on this forum.. My wife and I were both unfaithful going back 3 years. She was with a hand full of guys as ONS and one 6 month relationship, i just found out about her unfaithfullness 3 months ago, the OMs girl friend got ahold of me, when i confronted her i found it was true and that there were other men she slept with over the last year and a half.. Is she a serial cheater?....I was her first partner and and we were both our first loves, so to me its extremely hard to deal with because i was her first..

BUT i cant feel to sorry for myself because i was with a bunch of women as well over the past 3 years.. I was not happy, neither of us knew about our affairs until OMs GF called me.. It all blew up, but i forgave her. I made a mistake and waited 2 months to tell her about my affairs, but i just had to tell her, she was very upset and moved into her moms house for a month for manipulating her and playing the hurt puppy role.. The first week we didnt talk at all.. She then moved back home a month later which was about 2 weeks ago and we had our familes over and hosted xmas and xmas eve at our house it all went well and everyone was nice and didnt bring up the affairs. All our friends and families know about both our affairs... So after everything started moving forward so I thought, I got a random text message from my wife at work yesterday, it read..

"Jeff... this is very hard for me..I cant do this anymore.. i think the spark is gone.. I am unhappy...Im going to get my stuff out of the house tomorrow and have my sisters help me move it.. I really dont want to drag this out with you.. i want you to be happy"..

To top it off she wants to move in with her cousin who is about the same age and who just divorced her husband, they had court xmas eve and she was awarded the house.. My wife was unsure how the divorce process is but im sure her cousin is very up to date and how to do it..

Any how so I ask her to come home and atleast give me the respect of talking to me in person about this instead of over a text.. She agreed but showed up around midnite after haveing some drinks with her GF (oh yeah the GF that introduced her to one of the guys she had sex with, and she also knew about my wifes 6 relationship guy too.. Anyway she showed up and we talked for about 30 minutes.. she says she is not happy, and i asked about what things and she said she didnt know exactly but probably everything, It doesnt help that she is working her butt off and I have been out of work and cant seem to land a good job in this ecomony,i been out of work for a year and a half, applying for jobs everyday but no luck, im sure its that but also other things like my affairs, but she does keep saying the same thing, even before i told her about my affairs, she says " Im unhappy, i think i just want to feel what its like to be on my own, and not have to answer to any body, to be able to come and go as i please, instead of having to tell you im going out to have drinks with my GFs and I will be home at a certain hour"...

When she was having her affairs she was going out 3 nights a week with her GFs and making pit stops on the way home and texting like 12 men on her text message phone bill in sept late at night, she even met a guy at a club and slept with him the same night at her hotel when she was out of town with her GF.. She was in the relationship with OM at the same time and me.. And it was a week before our 9 year anniversary, and then she slept with OM a week after our anniversary, its like she is emotionaless.. I had a bunch of affairs too but it kills me inside for that, and I have terrible remorse.. Any way we went to bed together in our bed on the decision that it was over ,and she is moving out in the morning and she is just out right unhappy. I stayed up all night thinking and hurting as she lay next to me sound asleep, it was so awkward.. She woke up kind of early though and we talked some more, i asked her if we could atleast bring in the new year together, and she rolled over and was quiet for about 3 full minutes and she turned to me and said " Lets make a deal, lets give it a month or less and see what happens, we can take it day by day... I said thats fine..

I asked her if she was involved with anybody and she said no, she said if she was she wouldnt be here, i said "if you are it will make it alot easier for me to let go, there is the door" she said she is NOT cheating.. She went to work this morning and now I pondering around the house not knowing what to do or how to handle this.. By the way I bought the SAA book a while back and i have been reading 2-3 pages to her everynight but we are only half way though to marriage recovery on page 113.. Some of what im reading is very good stuff that sounds like what we are going though, but its hard for me to disect it and apply it and she is just kind of listening but doesnt look that interested.. This is so hard right now, things are extremley fragile.. Most people would have thrown in the towel along time ago, but this is a hard one for me even though i had affairs, it makes you realize what you always had and took for granted may be gone for ever..

In a way we were high school sweethearts and i took her to her prom. These affairs we both had were really the only 2 major things that has happend in all our 13 years, i dont hit her, i may have been alittle verbally abusive about her weight when she would make me really mad and i would say things i didnt mean, now she lost all this weight and looks super hot and she kind of went crazy and started acting single..

This is alot of info im putting on here, i guess where i stand now is on the brink of divorce, i have 30 days to bring her happieness, how the hell can some one do that in just 30 days. I guess i will try anything at this point. Coming from someone who had affairs as well, it may sound silly but she really is my Everything, she is the only woman i have ever had true love for.. So this is why not giving up so easy, but it doesnt look good, i need to do something incredible, and a job would be a great start! Im not lazy i have worked my butt off since i was 16 yo and never claimed unemployment, but now i am laid off, and even with all the training and quailfications i have I cant seem to land anything, im up against 50 other applicants in the same boat as me. How can i make her feel love for me again?

Shes says she loves me but dont thinks she really does.. She is the kind of person that half [censored]'s things and want them done quickly and be done with it.. It makes it more difficult to take time to build, trust and love back, it cant happen over night.. help needed..

Maybe you could consider taking a job that is below your ability level for now, while still applying or consider new training or something.

If she will do the ENQ with you then you can focus I meeting her top needs while avoiding all love busters. You have to be sure she is not fooling around wih anyone at the same time, though, or it will be impossible to fill her love bank. What snooping do you have in place?

Yes Iam looking at jobs that are more than 1/2 of what i was making.. Its sucks but it is what it is...

What does ENQ stand for? I really hope she isnt fooling around, but like i said if she is, its over.. I did grab her cell phone from her last night and I didnt see any texts or calls out of place, i have her passwords to email and facebook, but she knows this.. There is always a way around it if you really want to cheat.. Any other snooping suggestions?

Please have your two threads merged together.

Have you called the MB coaching center?

Why did you start a new thread with this, and why did you post this in the non-affairs forum? This is very much a matter of your joint history of affairs. This is basically a continuation of your main thread.

You should click "notify" and ask a moderator to merge the two threads, Posters will appreciate having quick access to your history before they advise you.

The Emotional Needs questionnaire.

I posted here because i was looking for advice in marriage where people are unhappy, and how to build love and happieness back..

What things can i do to make her happy in 30 days? These past few weeks I didnt know she was still very unhappy, things seemed to be moving in the right direction. I know every woman and situation is different but I was hoping for some common things that maybe i have not addressed..

Also i feel like im handling this like a wimp.. I have no problem holding my own if another man challenges me to a brawl, or if i have to step up and protect someone with a physical contact.. But im telling you i feel weak with emotions in this situation and maybe she sees that and is not attracted to her man being weak.

I want to be stern but im trying to be carefull with my words. I have always been a strong person the marriage making decisions and handling situations, but now its like she has the reins.. Not sure how to handle it. I notice she gets concerned and listens when I get stern but, in this case i feel like if i try to be stern she will just be like "see ya".. How do i be strong but at the same time dont piss her off?

Jeff,
I would think it will take more than 30 days to fix 3 years of infidelity and a marriage between two people who have poor boundaries with people of opposite sex.

Have you availed yourself to the "tour" here and the "basic concepts"? Have you listened to the radio show (tab at right)?

This site is based on a philosophy of marriage that's unlike any others. That's why it works, where others fail.

I wish you luck in your journey to find information about how to conduct yourself in a marriage of mutual respect for one-another.


Perhaps she's tired of your selfish demands, and possibly Angry Outbursts. Also, she is Wayward, she will have to be treated differently. But first you need to understand the philosophy and concepts here.

optimism

PS, Did you live together before marriage?
This usually sets up a disasterous marriage. You can read about that on this site as well.

opt

Jeff,
First and foremost you need to put in behaviors and protections so your W can be assured you are making your marriage affair-proof (hopefully she�ll do the same one day).

I assume you are somewhat familiar with Marriage Builders and its concepts as you are reading one of Dr. Harley's books. So I find it puzzling that you'd ask such a question of us. How much of the MB concepts do you truly understand? If you haven�t done it already get the books His Needs Her Needs and LoveBusters and read those along with your SAA book.

You must know the answers you want reside in your W. What are her most important Emotional Needs (ENs) and what things can you now do for her that you haven�t been doing or that you stopped doing?

What are your LoveBusters (LBs)? You mentioned your verbal abusiveness. What else? Eliminate them all. There is a no tolerance rule. You need perfection on these. You�ll drive her away with these no matter how well you meet her ENs.

If you don�t know the answers to these it would prove helpful if you could candidly ask your W. Let her know you are going to change and that she could help with that. If she truly wants you to be happy then tell her you need her, you need her to stay and it is a need for you to be the best H you can be. That is what would make you happy. Ask her what would she want from the perfect guy? What would this guy do for her? What would the marriage look like?

30 days is ample time to show her you mean business and to entice her. So clean up YOUR SIDE of the street. Be open and honest with her about what you�re doing. State to her you are fighting for the marriage and that you are going to educate yourself so you can become the best H for her. Regardless of whether she stays with your or not get those books and read them as quickly as possible. Fall in Love, Stay in Love is another extremely helpful book. Those are the 3 books my W and I read and they�ve proven to be invaluable.

Get busy doing those things today.