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Amirkat Offline OP
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Hi, Im new here. Im 31, my hubby is 35. We just celebrated our 1st anniversary. This is not my first serious relationship (was with a guy for 17 yrs prior) but it IS his first serious relationship. I know that typically the first yr or so can be rough. But Im having some issues that are really bugging me. I dont really have any friends and Im not close to my family so Im not sure where else to go.
My hubby and I got married at the court house, just the two of us. Over the next couple of weeks we began to tell ppl we had gotten married, something we both agreed to. We didnt want a traditional wedding or to make a "big deal" out of it. Anyway, after a couple weeks we told my family and his friends. His dad also found out. But he refuses to tell his mom. He is her only child and she is very manipulative, controlling, overprotective, etc. he cannot stand up to her.
Right now we live at his parents (financial reasons) and this just makes it worse. She bad mouths me to him often. He says he stands up for me, which I believe he does. But when I try to explain to him how it makes me feel he gets really defensive. He is now beginning to shut me out. On top of that hes dealing with a personal issue (nothing to do with me) and feelings of being worthless. He is a very active person and since his hernia surgery he hasnt been able to do much, hence the worthless feeling.

I believe in marriage and divorce is not an option I want to entertain. Im just feeling a little lost and lonely, I have no clue what to do. Anyone have any suggestions or advice??


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Amirkat, I would make plans to move out. There is nothing stopping you from telling his mother, and I would most certainly do that if he won't. Tell him he needs to tell his mother himself or you will. And in the meantime, find another place to live.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Separation is a viable alternative to divorce. You certaintly can't put up with this terrible neglect.

A refusal to POJA is relationship cancer. And he refuses to make joint decisions with you. Separating may be a kill, or a cure. But the alternative is to stick around for a death by a thousand cuts.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Amirkat Offline OP
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Thx for the replies. Its nice to hear from others. Im starting to think I may have married a mommas boy! In the beginning he seemed so confident, in control and seemed to have a real life of his own (separate from his 'rents). There def werent any red flags as far as him being a mommas boy. Or at least he was VERY good at hiding it!

I know hes a bit low in the self confidence and self esteem arena. I think his mom uses it against him to control him. He def wants to have his own separate life from her. But I dont think he knows how to cut the apron strings. His dad is really cool and has our backs. Hes not too attached like dear momma.

Its such a tough situation to be in. I know if I told his mom shed throw us out in a heartbeat. We'd be homeless and Im afraid that would surely kill this marriage. I just dont know what to do. Part of me says to stay and endure, save up so we can both get out . And part of me says move out! I hate arguing with myself!! LOL

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In the beginning he seemed so confident, in control and seemed to have a real life of his own (separate from his 'rents)


He is a 35 year old man that LIVES with his parents....so he isn't in control and has no real life of his own. Because, if he did, he would NOT be living with his parents. NOR would he move a girlfriend in with him...who later becomes his wife....still while being supported by his parents!!!

What kind of woman is ok with a girlfriend moving in...but will kick a wife to the curb?

He is 35 and you are 31...you got married KNOWING that you cannot support yourself and you will have to continue to live with his Mommy and Daddy.

Who does that???

committed


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Originally Posted by Amirkat
Its such a tough situation to be in. I know if I told his mom shed throw us out in a heartbeat. We'd be homeless and Im afraid that would surely kill this marriage. I just dont know what to do.

It sounds like getting thrown out would be the best thing for both of you. You are 30 year olds, for crying out loud!! Mommy and Daddy time is over! crazy You need to grow up!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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GOOD GRIEF...


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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faint

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Amirkat Offline OP
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I appreciate your comments, does help confirm how Im feeling. I must say that although we cannot move out on our own yet, we are not finacially dependent on his parents. They do not pay our bills or give us any money at all. Its just a place to live for now. We both work and pay for more than our fair share. Even though his mom has $$ she is stingy and wont even help her own husband pay the bills. Shes retired and get a lot of $$ from her mother while my FIL works his [censored] off. He couldnt afford the bills if we didnt contribute. She wont even pay for the new truck she had to have. Shes too lazy to even clean her house, do the dishes or do her own laundry. My H does it all!! He is by no means lazy, and sadly feels obligated to do all the chores. He says he does it to lessen the burden on his father.
I have no problems living on my own, paying my own way. I just wish sometimes I could learn to listen to my own instincts before its too late. But Im here in this situation with a man I love and want to be with. I guess Im just trying to find a way to cope with it and holding on to faith that things will be ok. Maybe not right now but in the future. He is truly a good man and treats me well. I just dont get why hes so afraid of his own mother.

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You live with his parents which means you are dependent on them. Grown ups don't live with their parents.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Yes I understand, I moved out at 17.... But you sound bitter. I dont want to give up on my marriage, apparently you didnt either! Im just looking to cope for the time being, keeping my future with this man in mind. Ive been thru some horrible situations including a man who litterally tried to kill me. I know Im with the right man for me now, I just want to help him to be the man he was meant to be. I love him and wont give up.

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So what is your plan?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by Amirkat
Yes I understand, I moved out at 17.... But you sound bitter. I dont want to give up on my marriage, apparently you didnt either! Im just looking to cope for the time being, keeping my future with this man in mind. Ive been thru some horrible situations including a man who litterally tried to kill me. I know Im with the right man for me now, I just want to help him to be the man he was meant to be. I love him and wont give up.

But you are living with your husband's parents now. So you are dependent on his parents. You and your husband are much too old to be living with mommy and daddy.

If this boy won't even tell his mommy that he is married to you and won't move into another place, then you should be grown up enough to see that you don't have a future with him.

You won't be "loving" him for long if he continues to hide you like a dirty secret and refuses to put you before his mommy. If you really do love him, then stop enabling him to be a baby.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Make a copy of your marriage license and frame it and ask your mother in law where she would like to hang it in te house

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Amirkat Offline OP
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Hi all, been a long time. Im having problems. Been married a little over 3 years now. At first things were great. My hubby was very sweet, loving, attentive and considerate.... Until 1.5 years ago. He was a different man when we married, happy, enjoyed life, enojoyed me...but lately i've been feeling like he is bored with me, hates me. He takes no interst in my life and seems very unconcerned with my current health crisis. He has developed an alcohol problem (family history), a bad attitude (hates EVERYTHING), lies to me repeatedly and has become a totally different person. I dont recognize him anymore. We've been fighting alot. I know I make my own mistakes. My resentment for the way he treats me causes me to shut down and withdraw. But it hurts so bad, I feel the need to protect myself. He has self-esteem issues that I think stem from a cold, distant mother who he is still desperately trying to seek approval from (she hates me but has never tried to get to know me). He also has trust issues and negativity which I think he also learned from her. She is a miserable person. His lies about beer, hiding the "extra" beer he buys, lies about a "supposedly" gay girlfriend (which he refuses to introduce me to) and his current lack of trust in me, he's very cold, distant, secretive... And no interest in sex. During our most recent fight (Easter weekend) he said that he had married me in hopes that I would magically make all of his problems disappear, and because he loves me. Which I told him wasnt a good enough reason. Im feeling very confused as I don't feel the love. I just feel like a disappointment for not being the "wife" who can't live up to his high expectations of who he EXPECTED me to be. I'm at a loss and hurting... Any advice?

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Have you and your H moved out of his parents' home?

Have you snooped to discover what your H is doing when you are not looking or not with him?

Is your H an alcoholic?


Married 1980
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Move out! You didn't move in to be with a man who loved you with active care. Good grief you were a secret. Being a bit nice to you backed up by no action is not love.

You keep throwing unconditional love at him, which doesn't work. Give him conditions and see if he sinks or swims.

If he wants to be happy, he'll go for the lack of enabling, but you can't make him.

He's not afraid of his mother at all. He's married to her practically. You were the accessory to that set up.

Get out, you can send him a list of your conditions if you want but he's a freeloader who expects you to solve all his problems without lifting a finger.

Have expectations. Leave if they aren't met. That's not 'bitter' it's valuing yourself.



What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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The excuses you make for him are embarrassing. First it was 'self esteem' (Of course he doesn't esteem his actions. Why on earth would a stay at home baby have esteem?)

Now it's negativity and trust issues. He's negative about the prospect of you settling for a shoddy deal and doesn't trust the shoddy deal is enough to make a lifetime relationship. He's dead right and he does not plan on changing.

Stop with the pop psychology. If he valued a good life, he'd go get one. I know lots of people with lousy parents who dI'd well anyway. Your husband chooses to take the easy, if esteem-less route.


Last edited by indiegirl; 04/07/15 04:34 AM.

What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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I would strongly suggest that you start getting extremely educated in Marriage Builders. Start listening to Dr. Harley's radio show daily. Get your husband to listen with you if possible, but if not, listen alone. Dr. Harley will educate and motivate you and you will learn what you can do about your situation.

I would also suggest that since your husband has an alcohol problem that you start attending an Al-Anon group.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Amirkat Offline OP
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We recently bought a house, which needs fixing before we can move in. It is at the top of our priority list, hopefully It will be ready in the next few months. I am embarrassed about our situation and am not trying to make excuses for him, just calling it as I see it. Yes, at first I did not want to see that his marriage is to his mother, did not want to admit it (my mistake). I did not want to see the anger issues or alcohol problem. A part of me feels so ashamed with myself, and the other part feels blindsided by a man who hid these things VERY well for a long time...But I cannot ignore it anymore, it's eating me up.... As soon as the house is ready I will be moving, whether he comes or not (not really sure what he'll choose). If he chooses me and our marriage, great. But we will have a lot to work on. I do value marriage and believe divorce to be a last option. On the flip side, I'm affraid that between now and then I will have lost all trust, love, and respect for him and won't want this anymore.

I'm not trying to sound so wishy-washy, I'm just that confused, hurt and unsure of everything right now. Do I cut my losses or try to keep it together, pray and do what I can? Is this just a "low point" in our marriage, will (can) it get better? I guess I should start listening to the radio show, maybe it can help. Thanks for all the replies, even the ones that are hard to swallow.

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