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Tranquil dark,
I'm not sure what you mean by no plan on the questions. I said Facebook has been taken care of ( I have never used twitter or google plus and myspace died out years ago) I have posted my eps around the space that has been allowed to me by the permanent occupants of the house, and I have made plans to list the chinchillas today.
I do not have any male friends that are not mutual friends, I do not ever see any of them unless BH is also there. I work from home so there are no coworkers at all, male or female.
Would you still suggest moving considering my above post about his wishes?

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Thank you for the advice about not mentioning divorce. I will be certain to strike that word from my vocabulary as I also made the mistake of using it in the second email in the same context of "if that will make you comfortable I support your decision"
BH filled out the paperwork the day he found out, even before he told me he knew. When we started trying to reconcile he called the lawyer and put it on hold and as far as I know it is still on hold but we do still have a court date. I have not been served but the paperwork is pending.
When he first brought up the subject of me moving home and continuing with the process, I let him know that I was hurt by the idea but if it was what he felt was the right thing to do I would support his decision. He said my support was a step in the right direction so I think by bringing it up I am trying to continue to be supportive (another thing he did not feel from me in our marriage)but if it is counterproductive I will stop at once

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I would move for the reasons I stated and NG stated but not back in the house.

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So it wouldn't be disrespectful even though his want is for me to be here with my sister? He doesn't want me in a hotel nearby and he likes the idea of me being "supervised"
I hope this doesn't seem argumentative, I just want to make sure that my efforts won't do more harm than good if they are seen as me once again ignoring his wishes

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...his want is for me to be here with my sister...he likes the idea of me being "supervised"

Well, these facts were not obvious (at least to me) earlier. You now have a problem, between what BH thinks he wants (and "The BS drives the recovery bus!") and what we know your possible recovery needs.

POJA a schedule? "Okay, BH, I'll stay here for two weeks, but to start our recovery, I can't remain 110 miles away! Let's start thinking about what will work for you."

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In this age of Google Maps with Satellite imagery, one doesn't even need to drive. Just go on-line (with some same sex adult supervision) and locate the address that way if the old school methods of phone books etc don't work.

When there is a will, there is a way, and with the technology we have today, seems one could find the address of a place without leaving home.

Originally Posted by NeverGuessed
Since right now I am living 110 miles away from my husband and 3 miles from OM,

OH....MY....GOD!!!

Your idea of a good place to relocate after being revealed as an adulteress was 107 miles closer to OM than to BH?

We don't CARE about it being mum's place. This has to be changed immediately. Move to an apartment closer to home if moving HOME directly is still off the table.

You don't know OM's address, and can only determine same by driving over there? Stop the bull-[censored], my friend; it will not serve you well on this site. There are no telephone directories in your geography to look up his last name? You cannot ask Mum to drive past and get the number? Just get the letter written and in BH's hands, and ask him to get the address?

Wow! I mean......wow!

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Currently my main problem is he doesn't know if he wants recovery. Yesterday when I brought it up he said

I agree that living together would be what is needed to start reconciliation in a situation like this, however my gut feeling is that I shouldn't be with you anymore.

If he wants me here supervised doesn't want me to live with him, and doesn't know if he wants to reconcile, how do I know what move to make? It seems to me that much of the advice that is being offered is based on the idea that he is committed to reconciliation, right now he see,s to be on the fence about to fall off on the give up and move on side. I want to do everything I can on my end to change that but at the same time I know that requires meeting his EN s. such a huge part of his reluctance to commit to trying to reconcile is my past selfishness and doing whatever I want regardless of his opinion on the matter. So it becomes a matter of if our relationship will be better served by respecting his wishes and staying 110 miles away or ignoring what he has stated about the situation by either trying to poja something he doesn't know if he wants or moving into a hotel where I am not giving him space and am not supervised,

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This is pretty new to him.

So what he's saying is he wants you with someone he can trust. Someone who will make sure you are not running off to the OM.

So is there someone closer to home who he would trust to do this?

He's not ready to see you, and if he's angry, he may be protecting himself and maybe you from him losing control.

There are other possible reasons. But the bottom line is for things to get better with the marriage, eventually you two have to spend time together.

Your first post here was yesterday, so you have time to plan out a good course of action. A day or two may not be bad to let the initial shock of what he's coming to grips with dissipate.

Originally Posted by NeverGuessed
...his want is for me to be here with my sister...he likes the idea of me being "supervised"

Well, these facts were not obvious (at least to me) earlier. You now have a problem, between what BH thinks he wants (and "The BS drives the recovery bus!") and what we know your possible recovery needs.

POJA a schedule? "Okay, BH, I'll stay here for two weeks, but to start our recovery, I can't remain 110 miles away! Let's start thinking about what will work for you."

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Enlightened,
I feel like I'm running out if time. We have been sort of separated for nearly 2 months now but this is the first weekend (at his request) I did not drive down there to see him. I have been clear all along that I see it as when we stop seeing each other that means we've (he's but I didn't want to say that) started giving up. He said he knows that being apart is counterproductive to recovery but it is what he felt he needs.
Up until now we had been spending at least 3 nights a week together and his feelings bounced back and forth. The last two weeks, he has started feeling some sort of internal pressure to s--- or get off the pot as he put it. He said he is tired of being in limbo and if he's going to move on he would rather do it sooner than later. We do have two sort of ticking clocks on our hands that he is viewing as deadlines
In answer to your question, no I do not have anybody closer that I could stay with. All of my family is in a 5 mile radius of OM and the very few close friends I had are also close friends with BH and have turned their backs on me since exposure. I mentioned it in an earlier post but my mom has let me know that I need to clean up my own mess and although she is willing to let me stay with my sister short term, I cannot stay more than 6 months. I own another unit in the same complex as BH that I am currently renting out and my lease requires me to give the tenants at least 45 days notice to move out so unless i have moved back by feb 13 I need to give them notice so I can move back to that condo April 1st. Since he is on the fence about if we should move forward or not, he doesn't want me to give them notice now (otherwise I would immediately) but he doesn't want me moving back in and feels pressure to make a choice
The second deadline is a trip that has been planned for of a year. It is his mother's 60th birthday and H and I arranged a trip to Hawaii for the entire family. Hotels booked, tickets bought, the works. Last week he informed his entire family that we are trying to work things out and he was committed to me going but this week I am afraid to even ask. The deadline to cancel the ticket is a week from tomorrow and the trip is 5 weeks from tomorrow. I feel the trip would be an excellent chance for us to reconnect and for me to put action behind my promises to work on myself around others and he has gone all over the place from wanting me there to work on things, to he would be using me so that he's not there alone, to how awkward would it be if we went on the trip and came home to decide it was completely over and that's his memory of the trip. ( for clarification, he is the one concerned with canceling the ticket before the deadline, not me)
I have it somehow set in my mind that whether or not he invites me to join him on the trip will be his roundabout way of letting me know his final decision as to whether or not he will continue the marriage.

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sigh i feel you are not listening, but since you are still foggy and it takes time not to be, i'm going to cut you some slack there. i have taken the time to go through your EPs from a BS perspective to help you clarify them before presenting to him.

Facebook has been taken care of. what do you mean by this? it takes some diligence to delete a FB account. what steps have you taken? you can't just hit delete. FB makes it very hard for their users to leave. state exactly what you have done, and what you will do during the two weeks it takes for FB to decide you're serious about leaving. they will message you daily with links to make your account active again. one way to counter this would be by altering your email settings to send all FB emails to junk. then permanently delete junk.

I will protect my husband and his feelings above all else this is meaningless. HOW will you do this? what ACTIONS will you take to make this obvious to him?
I will agree to continue use GPS on my phone so that my husband can track my location at any time
I will not discuss personal issues with members of the opposite sex a BS response to this would be "whatever." but leave it on as a reminder to yourself.
I will not have social interactions with male friends unless my husband is also there this would be better as: i will not have male friends.
I will continue a policy of no contact for life with AP and will immediately let my husband know if he does contact me this is good, but would be better reinforced with a NC letter for BH to edit and send, registered receipt.
I agree to will use the policy of joint agreement as the basis for [color:#000000]any and all decisions[/color]
I will follow the principle of be radically honest with my husband at all times
I will set aside half an hour each week to discuss my schedule with my husband this is ok, but more specifically would be better: "i will plan my schedule with my H every sunday at 3pm."
I will immediately notify my husband if I need to go somewhere that is not on the schedule
I will provide login info and passwords to all accounts
I will go to bed at the same time as my husband every night and get out of bed with my husband every morning good!
I will make my phone, computer, and iPad available to my husband at any time
I will commit to at least 25 hours of undivided attention with my husband each week to meet each others emotional needs 15 hours is to maintain a good M. you need a minimum of 25 to rebuild.
I will find a loving way to discuss any issues I may have in our marriage what does this one mean? what will it look like/sound like? (hint: a good way to start is "how would you feel about....")
I will attend church regularly with my husband as a family. this will be a good sign to him, if church is important to him. good on you for being willing to do it.
I will be the one accountable and not put that burden on him this is more filler. what does it mean?
I will answer all phone calls, tango or face time from my husband if at all possible and return them as soon as I am able if it is not possible is there really any reason this would not be possible?
I will comply with any other request my husband has to make him feel more comfortable about my behavior

in your communication with your BH about EPs, it is *very* important that you begin with your actions to date:
1) i have deleted my FB account.
2) i have changed my phone number to xxx-xxxx and will only give it to BH-approved persons.
3) i will name any and all contacts in my phone appropriately.
4) i will immediately show my BH any calls/messages from numbers (versus names) for him to decide on actions (answer message/add to contacts/delete/etc).
5) i have prepared a MB-approved (you post it here for feedback) NC letter to the OM, which i will give to my BH to amend as he sees fit and to send. i will sign this letter in my own handwriting once it is approved.

plus, you need to consider how your adultery was propagated and carried out, and take active steps to remove these triggers from your BH's (and yours) life. for example, if you spoke with your OM on your phone, get another. you want to do your best to help eliminate visual triggers (phone, computer/laptop, car, etc), as there will still be plenty to work through.


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Originally Posted by Fluffy_mouse
If he wants me here supervised doesn't want me to live with him, and doesn't know if he wants to reconcile, how do I know what move to make?

banghead

you take the actions everyone has told you to do and quit dillydallying around!


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Thank you for taking the time to fine tune my eps.
I am going to protect my spouses feelings by listening to him and putting his needs and wants above my own. I will be completely open and honest with him. I will show kindness and love by doing small things to make his life easier whenever possible.
Any male friends that I am with in person are either his friends or the husband of my friend so there would be no reason for me to be with them without him
Would you happen to have a link to sample NC letters? My plan is to write one, get MB approval, and then give it to BH when i see him and leave it to him to decide whether or not to send it. I have a feeling that he will have sort of the same opinion as I do on it, that AP is very unstable and that as long as he is complying with our original requests not to contact me that sending him a NC letter is more likely to get him to try to contact me than to get the point across. In either case, it is BH's decision to make not mine and I will support his decision if he would rather send it or read it and toss it.
I do plan to have a set time each week for the schedule , that is something I want to schedule with him rather than missing a time that is convenient for me on him
The bed issue is something that he has mentioned was important to him in the past and much of the deep conversations I had with AP took place after BH had gone to bed.
Thank you for the clarification on the necessity of the extra time to repair vs time needed to maintain.
The accountability is actually a second part to the church one, as well as other obligations. We recently had a conversation about him feeling like church was important to him but he felt like it was up to him to keep us accountable and the burden was on him to get us to go to church. I am pledging to share in the responsibility to make sure we get out of bed and go each week.
By finding a loving way, I mean to make sure that no matter what I bring up, to do it in a way that is positive and non critical. To start any request for change by starting with something related that is complementary or I am appreciative of " I really appreciate that you ----, how would you feel about also ---"
The only reasons I wouldn't be able to answer would be something like if I was in another room and didnt hear the phone ring, or if he face timed and the iPad lid was closed so I didn't see it- mainly if I was unaware he was calling, or if I was driving

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Is this roller coaster of indecision normal for a BS? How do I know which one i should believe? He has mentioned me not taking initiative in the relationship, how do I know when to push and when to be patient and give him space? How do I address my own emotions without being selfish? I know this is my fault and I shouldn't impose my pain upon him but it is getting to the point where it is starting to effect my health so I need to find some way to cope. I am scared that he will not have the strength to forgive both the affair and the terrible way I treated him for years before that and I am scared I will not have the strength to continue being rejected f he sticks to the decision that he doesn't want to work it out.

FM,

I just read your entire post and there are a great deal of similarities in your stories. My BH found out about my A in November and kicked me out. Two weeks later I was back home but this was the very beginning of the roller coaster ride.

YES, it is very normal for your BH to go back and forth and he probably will for a great length of time. My BH did not officially decide to really give our marriage a try until September of last year (two months shy of a year from D-Day).

I am going to try to answer some of your questions above from my viewpoint. No matter what happens in your marriage, however keep improving YOU! Keep looking deep inside and discover the better you. Listen to each and every person on here. You have some of the very best helping you out.

Is this roller coaster of indecision normal for a BS? How do I know which one i should believe?

As I said above he will go back and forth a number of times in the next year. You need to stay strong and allow him to make this decision. It is very hard but the best way you can show him that you are NOT SELFISH is by being their for him when he needs you but giving him his space when he can stand to be around you.


He has mentioned me not taking initiative in the relationship, how do I know when to push and when to be patient and give him space?

You mentioned earlier that you are constantly waiting for an email from him. Are you guys still emailing each other? If you are, what about sending him an email with some things you are working on and changing. I know that some people suggested showing up that the door, but since he does not want to see you you may need to email or even send him a letter.

Is he on this site? I suggested to my H to get on and read. I encouraged him to read my post. For the longest time I did not think he was but he secretly was reading not just my post but a number of other post the really helped him. I could never get him to start his own post but reading them did the trick.

Have either of you read or gotten the following books "Surviving and Affair", "Love Busters" or "His Needs, Her Needs"? If not, get these books ASAP! Buy a copy for you and your H and send them to him.

I know this is my fault and I shouldn't impose my pain upon him but it is getting to the point where it is starting to effect my health so I need to find some way to cope. I am scared that he will not have the strength to forgive both the affair and the terrible way I treated him for years before that and I am scared I will not have the strength to continue being rejected f he sticks to the decision that he doesn't want to work it out.

You need to take care of yourself. A big part of recovery is healing your inside but also taking care of your outside self. Get on AD if you need to. I did and they worked wonders. I know you are scared. I was so very scared and like you, did not know if I had the strength to continue. Let me tell you, you do!

As a number of people on here have told you, there are ways you can show him you are changing without actually talking to him. Getting off of FB is one of them. Yes, he will notice this!!!

As someone else mentioned, the email he send you was his pain. His way of coping with the situation. You said you have been selfish during your marriage, it seems to me that you realize this and are trying to change. That is the first step in anyone's recovery is admitting their fault and trying to change it.


I am not going to lie, you have a long road ahead and a number of very steep hills to clime up. But I can tell you from my own experience and past year that whether your H decides he wants you back or not, you need to continue to work on YOU!!! However you come out of this, you will come out a better, stronger, less selfish person, who knows how to create boundaries, and maybe even make friends with people of the SAME SEX (it made me sad when you said that you didn't really have any close friends, everyone needs at least one close "same sex" friend.

I am thinking of you and praying for both you and your H.

If you want some encouragement and want to see a real roller coaster ride, read my forum. Ironically, I started it right around this time last year (might have even been the date you started yours).

Fifteen Years


Me (WS) Husband (BS)
DS - 15
DD -10
My D-day - 11/12/11

Today Me (BS) H (WS)
D-Day #2 01/14/12
I don't want to just survive my affair, I want to recover from it!
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Originally Posted by Fluffy_mouse
Thank you for taking the time to fine tune my eps.
I am going to protect my spouses feelings by listening to him and putting his needs and wants above my own. I will be completely open and honest with him. I will show kindness and love by doing small things to make his life easier whenever possible.
Any male friends that I am with in person are either his friends or the husband of my friend so there would be no reason for me to be with them without him
Would you happen to have a link to sample NC letters? My plan is to write one, get MB approval, and then give it to BH when i see him and leave it to him to decide whether or not to send it. I have a feeling that he will have sort of the same opinion as I do on it, that AP is very unstable and that as long as he is complying with our original requests not to contact me that sending him a NC letter is more likely to get him to try to contact me than to get the point across. In either case, it is BH's decision to make not mine and I will support his decision if he would rather send it or read it and toss it.
I do plan to have a set time each week for the schedule , that is something I want to schedule with him rather than missing a time that is convenient for me on him
The bed issue is something that he has mentioned was important to him in the past and much of the deep conversations I had with AP took place after BH had gone to bed.
Thank you for the clarification on the necessity of the extra time to repair vs time needed to maintain.
The accountability is actually a second part to the church one, as well as other obligations. We recently had a conversation about him feeling like church was important to him but he felt like it was up to him to keep us accountable and the burden was on him to get us to go to church. I am pledging to share in the responsibility to make sure we get out of bed and go each week.
By finding a loving way, I mean to make sure that no matter what I bring up, to do it in a way that is positive and non critical. To start any request for change by starting with something related that is complementary or I am appreciative of " I really appreciate that you ----, how would you feel about also ---"
The only reasons I wouldn't be able to answer would be something like if I was in another room and didnt hear the phone ring, or if he face timed and the iPad lid was closed so I didn't see it- mainly if I was unaware he was calling, or if I was driving

this is much better, fm. you sound like you're really thinking and considering. this is terrific!

yes, sample no contact letters. do post yours here for help before giving to BH.

as 15 pointed out, self-care is very important, but please remember you are where you are because of your adultery, not because BH is reacting to your adultery. however, you need not flagellate yourself - you need to be the best you can be; being a martyr doesn't help anyone, least of all you or your BH.

i really hope that you and your BH can find your way back to each other. doing the hard yards is what will get you there. as 15 said, your BH is on the worst ride of his life, and his emotions will change constantly, even when things are "going good." however, if you can get into recovery, and work the programme, you have every chance of success. his feelings of hopelessness and despair will become further and further between. however, right now it's all fresh - he's bleeding out on the floor and only wants to protect his heart. let him vent. let him have his anger. just keep doing what you need to do and show him your M and your love means more than anything.

the benchmark for recovery is typically 2 years. the first year is the hardest, even when things are all going right. you need to be prepared to take the hits during the recovery process.

btw, you've gotten some 2x4s, and there will be more to come - even us BSs need 2x4s now and then! but remember they are for your benefit, not because we want to beat you up or throw your faults in your face. keep chugging, girl. i'm glad to see you're taking things on board. and i want to commend you for coming here and starting work to set things right.


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Originally Posted by Fluffy_mouse
Enlightened,
I feel like I'm running out if time. We have been sort of separated for nearly 2 months now but this is the first weekend (at his request) I did not drive down there to see him. I have been clear all along that I see it as when we stop seeing each other that means we've (he's but I didn't want to say that) started giving up.

He has is not giving up but he is scared to let you back in so easily. He is conflicted. Don't look at it as running out of time. This entire situation is going to take A LOT OF TIME


He said he knows that being apart is counterproductive to recovery but it is what he felt he needs.
Up until now we had been spending at least 3 nights a week together and his feelings bounced back and forth. The last two weeks, he has started feeling some sort of internal pressure to s--- or get off the pot as he put it. He said he is tired of being in limbo and if he's going to move on he would rather do it sooner than later. We do have two sort of ticking clocks on our hands that he is viewing as deadlines


Again he is protecting himself. My H did the same thing because he was protecting himself. Have you ordered those books yet?



In answer to your question, no I do not have anybody closer that I could stay with. All of my family is in a 5 mile radius of OM and the very few close friends I had are also close friends with BH and have turned their backs on me since exposure. I mentioned it in an earlier post but my mom has let me know that I need to clean up my own mess and although she is willing to let me stay with my sister short term, I cannot stay more than 6 months.

I own another unit in the same complex as BH that I am currently renting out and my lease requires me to give the tenants at least 45 days notice to move out so unless i have moved back by feb 13 I need to give them notice so I can move back to that condo April 1st.

You need to do this for sure! Why didn't you do this two months ago? This is a major solution to the problem.

Since he is on the fence about if we should move forward or not, he doesn't want me to give them notice now (otherwise I would immediately) but he doesn't want me moving back in and feels pressure to make a choice

You should give them notice NOW!! If you are serious about recovery your marriage this is a major yes, and now. This would be a leap of faith but this would show your H that you are committed to recovery and willing to risk it even if he is not. Again,this is one of the important "steps" that everyone on here says you need to make if you are serious. Actions not just words!!!!


The second deadline is a trip that has been planned for of a year. It is his mother's 60th birthday and H and I arranged a trip to Hawaii for the entire family. Hotels booked, tickets bought, the works. Last week he informed his entire family that we are trying to work things out and he was committed to me going but this week I am afraid to even ask. The deadline to cancel the ticket is a week from tomorrow and the trip is 5 weeks from tomorrow. I feel the trip would be an excellent chance for us to reconnect and for me to put action behind my promises to work on myself around others and he has gone all over the place from wanting me there to work on things, to he would be using me so that he's not there alone, to how awkward would it be if we went on the trip and came home to decide it was completely over and that's his memory of the trip. ( for clarification, he is the one concerned with canceling the ticket before the deadline, not me)


I think this is a positive situation. The fact that he did tell his parents that you guys are trying to recover is a good sign. The fact that he has not cancelled the ticket yet is also a good sign. Both signs that he has not completely given up.

I have it somehow set in my mind that whether or not he invites me to join him on the trip will be his roundabout way of letting me know his final decision as to whether or not he will continue the marriage.



Your posts are almost overwhelming for me because they remind me so much of myself last year.

Just a few more thoughts from a FWW,(who is still learning but wants to help anyone else who is and was in her shoes) as many have said, your H is SCARED to let you back in. That is why he has built his wall against you so high. It took me a very long time to realize this. Your affairs has ripped a severe hole in your H's chest and his love units have all escaped. In other words, he is no longer in love with you. I know that sounds harsh but it is the reality of your situtation. That is why everyone on this site is trying to tell you that YOU are the one that has to put forth the effort and expect absolutely NOTHING in return.

Why does he feel pressure to make a decision one way or the other? Are you putting pressure on him? One thing you may want to tell him (and you really need to mean this) is that there is no rush and he should not feel any pressure in making a decision. You might want to follow it with Peps quote which I would add to your bathroom door list "I will do whatever it takes for as long as it takes..."


I would get that apartment set up tomorrow....don't delay!!



Me (WS) Husband (BS)
DS - 15
DD -10
My D-day - 11/12/11

Today Me (BS) H (WS)
D-Day #2 01/14/12
I don't want to just survive my affair, I want to recover from it!
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Originally Posted by fifteenyears
I would get that apartment set up tomorrow....don't delay!!

I agree.

Joined: Jan 2013
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Fifteenyears
Thank you for your kind advice. Through this I have realized how much I need to work on myself. If I make a commitment to become a more empathetic, selfless person I think that will solve many of the issues that BH has a problem with.
We are sort of emailing right now, though we have not today. Yesterday even though he said he needed his space I sent him a long email letting him know I had been reading on MB and among other things stressed the importance of being together if we hope to work things out. He replied, saying he knows if we ar going to work on things we have to be together but he feels in his gut that he should not. he was also asking a few questions and I replied with another lengthy email including the earlier post about what my plan was. He replied that among other things, I don't make him happy and I'm not good for him. H stressed the importance of actions vs words and asked what benefit it would be to him to remain in the marriage. I sent another lengthy email including my list of eps and let him know that I had contacted the pastor at afternoon about confirmation classes, something that was very important to him that I do. He replied with goodnight, get some rest around 1 am. Since I am trying to respect his request for space, I have not emailed him today and he has not emailed me.
He has read some of the articles on the site and he says that reading them doesn't make him think I can undergo the radical change necessary for me to be good for him. I suggested he join the forum, I have no idea if he has or not.
I have barely slept at all the past several nights and in the morning I feel as though I physically do not have the strength to leave the bed. I literally collapsed sobbing the first 4 attempts I made getting out of bed this morning. So between violent fits of crying, I tried to take productive steps.
I ordered surviving an affair, love busters, his needs, her needs, and five steps this morning. I searched articles online for general information on how to be a more compassionate, respectful , and less selfish person. I also sent a letter of apology to his mother. When I was finally able to drag myself out of bed, I listed some of my chinchillas on Craigslist.
You mentioned earlier that I should send him an email letting him know what I have done, should I tell him these things? And when, should I do it now or wait and send it as a reply if and when he decides to email me? I'm not sure if I should mention the letter to his mother either. I would assume she would mention it at some point and I do not want to make it seem like the only reason I did it was to earn points with him
I was hoping that the books would come this week and that after having some time to himself I would be able to email him and ask permission to go down next visit because I got the books and would like to go through them together. Or would it be better to let him know I ordered them beforehand to show initiative.
My initial thought also was rather than (or in addition to) sending a list of what steps I have taken, to send an email that simply states I love you. I am sorry. Please allow me to work to earn a chance to make it up to you. I told him in the last email I sent him that I would do whatever it takes for as long as it takes and further down in the email I stated that I will continue to ask him for the chance to prove myself, would a daily short note to that effect while we are not talking be a good idea or would it get annoying?

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Sorry for the redundancy but I want to make super clear one more time before I take action.
H does NOT want me to give the tenants notice yet and go be his neighbor. He does not want me in an apartment or hotel in the area. He wants me where my sister and parents can keep an eye on me, where I have to put in a considerable bit of efforts each time I want to see him, and I suspect where it is a lot easier for him to say he doesn't want to see me and a lot harder for me to push when that is the case.
Me doing what I thought was best when he was against it was a very big sign of disrespect and a huge slap in the face and I feel like moving even though he has expressed this would be making the same mistake again.
When he has had a few more days of space and when the books arrive my original plan was to ask him if I could come down for a weekend, then during the weekend as we discussed it in the book ask how he would feel about me moving back home.if he is not ready to let me move back in,at that point ask how he would feel about me giving them notice. Pointing out that it would be a way for us to be close enough to work on things but I would not actually be living there. After that I sort of would have to respect whatever he said about the tenants. Although it puts things off until next weekend, it is a way to make 100% sure that I am respecting his wishes, but on th downside, if his wishes are for me to stay here e will have lost another 6 weeks before I have to move down there and the only part he would have a say in is if it was with him or without him.

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Oh this hasn't been said but look into polygraphs in your area and take one. As a BH I look back on my marriage and say "has she done this in the past?" A polygraph could alleviate those questions he has in the back of his mind.

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From earlier i didn't really finish, my closest female friend is married to BHs closest friend. Since exposure, they as a unit have seemed to side with him. Tough they have been kind to me when we have been together since then, I feel hurt and alienated. My life has typically consisted of home, the gym, and errands. My main source of social interaction has been with BH, he is truly my best friend but the lack of social interaction also meant that I had nobody to vent to, nobody but him to take out my stresses and frustrations on and that wasn't healthy.
Through this my sister has been my rock. It is not a stretch to say that I might not be around today if it wasn't for her. On days when I cannot bring myself to do anything, she has forced me to eat and drink. She went out with her friends for a day and i didnt realize that i had gone for 17 hours without drinking anything and couldnt figure out whyi was so dizzy i couldnt stand up straight. She has run my business for me when I was unable and when I need to spend the time with BH. She has kept my spirits as positive as she can and been there for me when all I can do is sit in bed and sob. I suspect this also may be a reason BH wants me to stay with her rather than move somewhere on my own.
To answer the question of why I didn't give the tenants notice 2 months ago, he didn't want me to and up until this weekend I have been at home 3-5 days of the week.
At this point I have to remind myself not to get my hopes up too high about anything that seems like a positive situation. It was not just his parents he told that he was committed to about my going, he told his aunt and uncle as well. This was before he announced that he needed his space, it is possible that he has canceled it by now and I just don't know about it yet. Canceling it would just let me have a credit on the airline anyways so if he canceled it and then decided he didn't want me to go the only one who would be out Anything would be me.
I am trying not to pressure him but he is aware of the deadline for the tenants. I have told him numerous times that we can always get new tenants and I can move back there whenever the 45 days is up but so far he is reluctant to do that. The only other thing I can think of that I may be doing to add pressure is that I have expressed how hard his flip flopping is on me and he has seen how much it hurts me each time he has done it in person or on the phone. This is another part of what makes me reluctant to let on exactly how badly I am doing emotionally (and starting to be physically as a result). Where does my telling him how much of an effect this is having on me stop being radical honesty and start being a guilt trip?
I hope I am not asking a bunch of stupid questions. My actions have been so selfishly motivated for so long I don't even know where to begin with what is selfish and what is reasonable so I end up not taking any action for fear it will be selfish and make things worse.

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