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#2699362 01/17/13 12:30 PM
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My DD14 is a freshman in HS. Ever since my WxW and I separated, her grades have significantly dropped. She went from honor roll to barely passing. She currently has a 1.3 GPA and 2 of her classes are F's. Nothing motivates her to try in school. I've put her in counseling, tutoring, grounded her, took away her electronics and tried talking, but nothing seems to get through to her.

I've explained to her why it's necessary to do well in school. I've asked her what it will take for her to put the effort into it. You name it, I've tried it. I don't know what I can do at this point. I know that some of the problems come from my WxW not holding DD accountable for her actions.

She came to me yesterday asking for suggestions on what to do and that she was willing to try anything. I told her that she needs to be a mother first and we need to be on the same page. I've always been the strict parent. She agreed, but I know I can't rely on her.

I explained to my DD that her time is running out as a child and if she doesn't dig herself out of this hole she's in, she's going to regret it later in life. She's going to want to get out on her own and she's not going to be able to because she didn't do what she was supposed to do. Her college is already paid for and she has so much to look forward to, but she doesn't see it. She doesn't care.

If anyone has any suggestions, please let me know. She wouldn't talk to the counselor. When she was grounded, she didn't seem to care. Tutoring isn't helping because she just sits there. I am going to talk to her teachers soon as well. They have even tried to work with her, but she brushes it off. I know all of this has to do with the divorce, but she needs to learn to open up and talk about it with someone.

Thank you.


Me: BH 36
Her: WW 34
Kids: D 14, S 12, S 9
DDay 1-6/2009
DDay 2-9/2011
DDay 3-11/2011
Filed for D 10/2011-Papers Served 11/2011
Divorce final May 24, 2012
My Story



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I suggest you parallel parent if she is inconsistent

FYI Dr Harley does not support grounding kids

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In fact next time your ex wife asks you about it I would say, Well because of your selfish adulterous deeds our daughter is depressed. It's your fault !

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Gjm, refresh my memory. What is the visitation arrangement? How much time does your 14 yo spend with you?

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Originally Posted by SmilingWoman
Gjm, refresh my memory. What is the visitation arrangement? How much time does your 14 yo spend with you?


SW,

She is with me every other week (Friday-Friday). I know she would prefer to be with her mom because she lets her do more, but I won't let that happen.


Me: BH 36
Her: WW 34
Kids: D 14, S 12, S 9
DDay 1-6/2009
DDay 2-9/2011
DDay 3-11/2011
Filed for D 10/2011-Papers Served 11/2011
Divorce final May 24, 2012
My Story



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Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
In fact next time your ex wife asks you about it I would say, Well because of your selfish adulterous deeds our daughter is depressed. It's your fault !


I could do that, but it wouldn't help the situation. I handle things like an educated adult and I won't fall into arguing with a wayward. She knows it's her fault.


Me: BH 36
Her: WW 34
Kids: D 14, S 12, S 9
DDay 1-6/2009
DDay 2-9/2011
DDay 3-11/2011
Filed for D 10/2011-Papers Served 11/2011
Divorce final May 24, 2012
My Story



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My son is much younger than your, He is only in the 1st grade, but he will not do his homework, fights with me, kicks me, and all around lashes out. I am having him see a therapist next week. He is with me 95% of the time. It is so hard to see them hurting. MY soon to be XWH, says I lay the guilt on him. I told him to own his guilt and I can not make you feel anything.

He knows it is his fault too, but is too selfish. It is just plain exhausting and I constantly have a pit in my stomach.

How about rewarding her with something she really wants, for a weeks worth of homework and studying. I do not know.

Divorce is hard on everyone, Waywards think the children will not be effected. so not true.

My 3 year old said he wanted daddy to be apart of our family. I cried.

And I must agree fight with a wayward is useless. They can not see past their selfish behavior and try to validate everything they do. Sad Life.


Last edited by mason; 01/17/13 03:45 PM.

Me BW 43 / WH 44
2 DS 7 and 4
D day 8-2010
Asked him to leave 9-10
Exposed 11-10
FR 1-2011
Back with OW / In Plan B 2-11
False Recovery Back in Plan B 7-12
Divorced
Better Life in Progress!
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Originally Posted by mason
My son is much younger than your, He is only in the 1st grade, but he will not do his homework, fights with me, kicks me, and all around lashes out. I am having him see a therapist next week. He is with me 95% of the time. It is so hard to see them hurting. MY soon to be XWH, says I lay the guilt on him. I told him to own his guilt and I can not make you feel anything.

He knows it is his fault too, but is too selfish. It is just plain exhausting and I constantly have a pit in my stomach.

How about rewarding her with something she really wants, for a weeks worth of homework and studying. I do not know.

Divorce is hard on everyone, Waywards think the children will not be effected. so not true.

My 3 year old said he wanted daddy to be apart of our family. I cried.

And I must agree fight with a wayward is useless. They can not see past their selfish behavior and try to validate everything they do. Sad Life.


That's good that you're taking your son to see a therapist. It's a step in the right direction. Waywards have a funny way of making the situation about themselves instead of looking out for the best interest of the children. There's a lot of finger pointing because of guilt and shame. I focus only on the kids and don't take the step backward in the past. It can't be changed. I tell my WxW to stay on topic or the conversation is over.

I'm hoping for more ideas, but I will continue to do the best I can in the mean time.


Me: BH 36
Her: WW 34
Kids: D 14, S 12, S 9
DDay 1-6/2009
DDay 2-9/2011
DDay 3-11/2011
Filed for D 10/2011-Papers Served 11/2011
Divorce final May 24, 2012
My Story



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Originally Posted by GJM
Originally Posted by SmilingWoman
Gjm, refresh my memory. What is the visitation arrangement? How much time does your 14 yo spend with you?


SW,

She is with me every other week (Friday-Friday). I know she would prefer to be with her mom because she lets her do more, but I won't let that happen.

Ok good. Good that she is with you a week at a time and good that you will keep that up.

I've seen very stubborn kids sabotage themselves to the point of real harm to their life so know that ultimately there is only so much you can do if she refuses to cooperate.

If you can get her mom on board I would suggest a combination of tough love and a reward system for her cooperation. What is her currency? What is important to her?

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Your Time GJM ... she needs your time. She needs you to sit with her while she does her homework. She needs you to sit with her and engage her as much as you can. She needs you to be with her as much as possible.

I found it is the only thing that worked for my many kids. I upped all my time to be 100% focused on them. It does get tough because sometimes I can pity party myself and find that saying, "What about me?" Then I look at my kids and say, "I refuse to let this destroy them."

Things that I find make a huge difference in the life of my oldest daughter.

1) Doing her hair. I put in foam curlers at night so she can sleep on them and have curly hair in the morning.

2) We do facials. I let her give me a facial, and I give her a facial. I buy some fancy face wash and lotions. Let your daughter pick them out. She cuts the cucumbers and puts them on my eyes. I buy special facial clothes and heated towel devices so we can be like a salon.

3) We do toe nails ... you can paint her toe nails.

4) I have one on one dinners with my kids.

5) When ever she does anything loving and kind to her siblings I give her more privledges like downloading more apps to play, or more TV time.

I think in the end you have to just give her your 100% devoted time. Sit with her while she is doing her homework. Let her know you will be with her through this challenging time. You won't let her fail, and you will be by her side as she works hard to overcome the mess she created.

I believe you know this is her cry for help. She is learning this coping skill, and she will take this approach with everything in her life. The most effective way to counter this is to help get her to the next level.

She needs your time more than ever now. Go to her and tell her she gets you all to herself 30, 40,50, or 60 minutes per night. As her grades improve she will earn more privledges like shopping with you, app time, friends can stay overnight, etc.

Last edited by WalkinForward; 01/17/13 05:28 PM.
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Originally Posted by SmilingWoman
Originally Posted by GJM
Originally Posted by SmilingWoman
Gjm, refresh my memory. What is the visitation arrangement? How much time does your 14 yo spend with you?


SW,

She is with me every other week (Friday-Friday). I know she would prefer to be with her mom because she lets her do more, but I won't let that happen.

Ok good. Good that she is with you a week at a time and good that you will keep that up.

I've seen very stubborn kids sabotage themselves to the point of real harm to their life so know that ultimately there is only so much you can do if she refuses to cooperate.

If you can get her mom on board I would suggest a combination of tough love and a reward system for her cooperation. What is her currency? What is important to her?


It seems that the only things important to her are her friends and I've taken those away and also offered her rewards. Right now it seems like she doesn't have anything to look forward to. She doesn't want material things nor does she ask for them. She's a tough one to crack.


Me: BH 36
Her: WW 34
Kids: D 14, S 12, S 9
DDay 1-6/2009
DDay 2-9/2011
DDay 3-11/2011
Filed for D 10/2011-Papers Served 11/2011
Divorce final May 24, 2012
My Story



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Originally Posted by WalkinForward
Your Time GJM ... she needs your time. She needs you to sit with her while she does her homework. She needs you to sit with her and engage her as much as you can. She needs you to be with her as much as possible.

I found it is the only thing that worked for my many kids. I upped all my time to be 100% focused on them. It does get tough because sometimes I can pity party myself and find that saying, "What about me?" Then I look at my kids and say, "I refuse to let this destroy them."

Things that I find make a huge difference in the life of my oldest daughter.

1) Doing her hair. I put in foam curlers at night so she can sleep on them and have curly hair in the morning.

2) We do facials. I let her give me a facial, and I give her a facial. I buy some fancy face wash and lotions. Let your daughter pick them out. She cuts the cucumbers and puts them on my eyes. I buy special facial clothes and heated towel devices so we can be like a salon.

3) We do toe nails ... you can paint her toe nails.

4) I have one on one dinners with my kids.

5) When ever she does anything loving and kind to her siblings I give her more privledges like downloading more apps to play, or more TV time.

I think in the end you have to just give her your 100% devoted time. Sit with her while she is doing her homework. Let her know you will be with her through this challenging time. You won't let her fail, and you will be by her side as she works hard to overcome the mess she created.

I believe you know this is her cry for help. She is learning this coping skill, and she will take this approach with everything in her life. The most effective way to counter this is to help get her to the next level.

She needs your time more than ever now. Go to her and tell her she gets you all to herself 30, 40,50, or 60 minutes per night. As her grades improve she will earn more privledges like shopping with you, app time, friends can stay overnight, etc.


Time is a great suggestion. I guess I will have to put aside the fact that I'm a man and do the painting toe nail things with her lol...

My problem with her is that when I ask where her homework is, she says she did it at school or she doesn't have any.


Me: BH 36
Her: WW 34
Kids: D 14, S 12, S 9
DDay 1-6/2009
DDay 2-9/2011
DDay 3-11/2011
Filed for D 10/2011-Papers Served 11/2011
Divorce final May 24, 2012
My Story



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Then you kindly join her for lunch at school tomorrow. Bring her Chick-fil-A or Taco Bell, attach a shake with it for extra sweetness. Then you meet up with her teacher privately, and get the facts.

Once you have the facts concerning her homework, then you devise a plan with her teacher to get her caught up.

While she is in WxW care, you call and speak to the teacher every other day to find out if the plan is being followed.

You can do all this in the background with her teacher. I think if you engage her teachers and get the facts that will help you hold her accountable.

In the meantime....make your time with her extra special.

Other things we do

I found out how to make great fondant (buy it also) and we make specialty cupcakes on the weekends.

I allow my daughter to experiment on me with make-up that way she can start to get a sense of how to apply it, and practice makes wearing make-up perfect.

Go to the library and see if you can find the books on 1001 things to do with your kids, or 101 things to do with dad ... you can also show her manly things.

Take her to Home depot and start a house project, or furniture making project, or gardening project.

Take her to Hobby Lobby and go to the jewelry making aisle, and let her pick out things where you and her could make necklaces, earrings, or bracelets together.

I remember taking an engines class in high school. I learned how to rebuild a tractor engine. Still one of the best classes I ever took.

The better she improves in school the more privileges she earns. The key for her to understand is your time will be hers no matter what and you will be with her each step of the way as "SHE" pulls herself out of this. The rest of the goodies are based on her grades and the more she improves the more she gains.

If all else fails there is always detassling in the middle of the middle west ... that will help her grow some hair on her chest.


Last edited by WalkinForward; 01/17/13 06:12 PM.
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I think your daughter is too stressed from the devastation of her family to use traditional authoritarian discipline. It is just added stress to an already miserable place she is in.

Tell her you are sorry she is hurting. Tell her you want a good life for her and that doing well in school is helpful to have one. Tell her you will support her in any way to do better in school. Tell her you love her a lot. Ask her to show you her assignments and let her know you will be speaking with her teachers to keep on top of what is happening and then do it.

Also, tell her you want to spend quality time together just doing stuff together before she grows up and makes her own life.

It is important to talk with your daughter but not lecture her. Let her know you are there for any sort of topic (school, boys, health).


So help me, the children affected by infedelity and the fracturing of their homes.......they are troopers.







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Well I have 3 kids and they have actually improved post divorce.
Their grades are better, attendance is better, grooming habit are established.

But my oldest is 10. That may be the difference.
Teenagers rebell.

I suggest you email Dr Harley for advice.

However you may still need to parallel parent because your ex wife isn't willing to co parent.

You can hold her accountable the week she lives with you. Not the week she is with your wife.

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Why have you taken her friends away?

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Hi GJM-

My YS had just started high school when my FXH left us and I was diagnosed with breast cancer. It was a tough year.

My YS didn't get apathetic, but he still failed a few classes that first year. I had gone to his teachers and counselor to let them know what was going on. BTW-I'm a high school teacher myself and work in an alternative program for kids who are behind in credits, so I see this a lot. It's still different when it's your own kid.

One of the things that really "saved" my son was his participation in NJROTC. (Naval Junior Reserve Officer Training Corps). He was on the Armed Drill team (spinning parade rifles in formation) and air rifle team and had training every day-either in the am or pm. He practiced every day,went to competitions and had classes with a group of friends who had the same interests as he did, and he was busy doing something he enjoyed. (He took 3rd place nationally his sophomore year in sport shooting, went to a national competition his junior year and was the leader of the Armed Drill Team his senior year). The key thing was, he found a place to belong. This is key to high school success. There are all kinds of clubs and activities kids can get involved in. Drama, Key Club (service), Environmental Club (my daughter did that) etc.

Your DD may not be very motivated right now, but you can let her know that the privilege of driving is going to depend on her demonstrating that she is responsible and that starts with school. Most states don't allow kids to drive until they are 18 unless they have taken drivers' ed AND have their parents' permission. It's your insurance on the line, and most insurance companies give "good student" discounts (a "B" average). In my state, a parent can rescind their child's right to have a license between the ages of 16-18. I've only seen it happen once. That student's dad caught him at a party.

My son had to take extra classes to graduate on time, but he made it.

Hope this helps



johnstwin-

"I may not know what the future holds, but I know who holds my future." -Martin Luther

Remarried my FXH 25 years to the day of our first M. God is so good-and sometimes so unexpected!

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Originally Posted by WalkinForward
Your Time GJM ... she needs your time. She needs you to sit with her while she does her homework. She needs you to sit with her and engage her as much as you can. She needs you to be with her as much as possible.

I found it is the only thing that worked for my many kids. I upped all my time to be 100% focused on them. It does get tough because sometimes I can pity party myself and find that saying, "What about me?" Then I look at my kids and say, "I refuse to let this destroy them."

Things that I find make a huge difference in the life of my oldest daughter.

1) Doing her hair. I put in foam curlers at night so she can sleep on them and have curly hair in the morning.

2) We do facials. I let her give me a facial, and I give her a facial. I buy some fancy face wash and lotions. Let your daughter pick them out. She cuts the cucumbers and puts them on my eyes. I buy special facial clothes and heated towel devices so we can be like a salon.

3) We do toe nails ... you can paint her toe nails.

4) I have one on one dinners with my kids.

5) When ever she does anything loving and kind to her siblings I give her more privledges like downloading more apps to play, or more TV time.

I think in the end you have to just give her your 100% devoted time. Sit with her while she is doing her homework. Let her know you will be with her through this challenging time. You won't let her fail, and you will be by her side as she works hard to overcome the mess she created.

I believe you know this is her cry for help. She is learning this coping skill, and she will take this approach with everything in her life. The most effective way to counter this is to help get her to the next level.

She needs your time more than ever now. Go to her and tell her she gets you all to herself 30, 40,50, or 60 minutes per night. As her grades improve she will earn more privledges like shopping with you, app time, friends can stay overnight, etc.

This is a fantastic post. Such great advice.

Much better than my suggestion of tough....especially since you have already tried that and she is so apathetic. I do agree it is important that you quietly keep on top of things via her teachers even when she is with her mom.

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I also would suggest revisiting the every other week schedule. No adult could function well with that kind of chaos and I'm sure it's hard for her. Did your WxW ever get more suitable housing?

In terms of the time suggestion, I think that's great. Think of it as plan A'ing her, filling her love bank to overflowing. Is she into music? Learn to like hers. Try the goofy stuff you did when she was littler, she's still a kid really...go bowling, or mini golf, or skating. Help her plan and cook a meal. Take a class together...when I was in middle school I thought it would be neat to be a private investigator so my mom enrolled in a class and I basically audited, but we had a blast going there together every week. Does she go to the gym with you? Take a yoga class with her, show her how you branch out. Do stuff with her AND her friends. Be the coolest/craziest dad around, throw her a half-birthday party...


Me, BS: 35
WxH: 36 "HAM" Hearts a mess
6yo DS (with WxH), 9 and 12yo DDs from first marriage
Discovered DH's affair in June, 2011
"I'm not having an affair, you're crazy." major gaslighting
Served with divorce papers on 2/3/12
Divorce final 7/29/2013
Living day by day, counting my blessings, loving my children
Personal Recovery well underway!
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Originally Posted by WalkinForward
Then you kindly join her for lunch at school tomorrow. Bring her Chick-fil-A or Taco Bell, attach a shake with it for extra sweetness. Then you meet up with her teacher privately, and get the facts.

Once you have the facts concerning her homework, then you devise a plan with her teacher to get her caught up.

While she is in WxW care, you call and speak to the teacher every other day to find out if the plan is being followed.

You can do all this in the background with her teacher. I think if you engage her teachers and get the facts that will help you hold her accountable.

In the meantime....make your time with her extra special.

Other things we do

I found out how to make great fondant (buy it also) and we make specialty cupcakes on the weekends.

I allow my daughter to experiment on me with make-up that way she can start to get a sense of how to apply it, and practice makes wearing make-up perfect.

Go to the library and see if you can find the books on 1001 things to do with your kids, or 101 things to do with dad ... you can also show her manly things.

Take her to Home depot and start a house project, or furniture making project, or gardening project.

Take her to Hobby Lobby and go to the jewelry making aisle, and let her pick out things where you and her could make necklaces, earrings, or bracelets together.

I remember taking an engines class in high school. I learned how to rebuild a tractor engine. Still one of the best classes I ever took.

The better she improves in school the more privileges she earns. The key for her to understand is your time will be hers no matter what and you will be with her each step of the way as "SHE" pulls herself out of this. The rest of the goodies are based on her grades and the more she improves the more she gains.

If all else fails there is always detassling in the middle of the middle west ... that will help her grow some hair on her chest.


Great suggestions. Thank you


Me: BH 36
Her: WW 34
Kids: D 14, S 12, S 9
DDay 1-6/2009
DDay 2-9/2011
DDay 3-11/2011
Filed for D 10/2011-Papers Served 11/2011
Divorce final May 24, 2012
My Story



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