So, let him say I don't know for 3 more weeks, then politely ask him to leave?

Demand EVERY DAY that he end his affair. And don't let up for a minute. He is not going to take you seriously until you start acting seriously.

The fact that he is out "bowling" should tell you how serious he really is. He is not at all.

Tell him if he does not end his affair that he needs to move out. That this will lead to divorce. Don't tell him 3 weeks. If he won't end his affair, then contact a lawyer to find out how you can get him removed.

Do you live in military housing?

He doesn't want sex. He says its not on his mind. He doesn't want to kiss me, he says he can't sincerely want to kiss me right now.

The relevant issue is NOT what he wants, but what YOU want. And he either complies with your wishes or he doesn't. Posting his fogbabble is a distraction from resolving the problem. He doesn't get to set the conditions.

Tell him he needs to leave if he won't end his affair immediately and commit to a program of recovery.

He will leave, if I ask him... but I don't want him to leave. I don't even want him to sleep in the guest bedroom. He says he can't think about stuff all the time, and when I ask if he wants to talk he says he has nothing to say. He says it helps him to play his XBOX games and go out with his buddy and bowl and just give his mind a break.

Ok, if you are not interested in recovering your marriage, then I won't waste any more of your time. If all you care about is having him there at any cost, in an affair or not, then you have achieved your goal and don't need us.

Wow, I guess I really am at that point huh? Telling him to leave. I will set a timeline. I will not stop demanding that he cut off all contact and access from this other woman in order to work on our marriage. Even if he can't say he wants to work on our marriage, it would be a step in the right direction if he cut off communication with her and access. And if he will not, by the end of the timeline, I will have to seriously... consider... asking him to leave.

I need your help, I am listening, but taking advice from internet strangers right away is difficult, especially when fighting with my own heart. Of course I want him completely, no affair... Thank you all, THANK YOU for your advice. I really appreciate it, I need it. I may be having trouble following it, but I am hearing it and digesting it, and reading the book and really honestly trying.

Dr Harley is not an "internet stranger;" he is an internationally known expert in saving marriages from infidelity. No one is more successful than him. Everything we have told you to do is straight out of his rule book. Many of us have saved our marriages using these concepts.

However, we cannot force you to take this advice. And very few of us have the time to continually post to someone who is not going to take these steps. I have a marriage and a busy career, myself.

Please take the time to read through the posted advice because all the answers you need have already been posted. All you have to do is follow it, my friend. Good luck!

Internet strangers who have recovered their marriages using the exact steps we have given you.

Love

Your WH replying "I don't know" to the things you are asking him and especially to cutting contact with the OW is simply a tactic to extend his cake eating time.

What action have you taken to show him you are serious about your demand for him to cut contact with the OW?

Don't be scared to loose him because he isn't yours right now anyway, he is in his selfish cake eating mode and your fear of losing him is enabling his behaviour.

Don't ask him if he wants the marriage, while he is a foggy wayward he will likely not care much about you or the marriage because he is getting his needs met elsewhere.

Don't ask, demand that he cut contact with the OW. Make it difficult for him to contact her, demand access to his emails and phone. Don't ask but DEMAND.

If he insists on keeping his contact with the OW then please prepare for plan B.

PS- these "strangers" have helped me save my marriage so I wouldn't discount their suggestions so easily.

During an affair the worse thing is "alone time" or "time with friends".
My wife claimed she ended her emotional affair.
She wanted alone time to "go watch a movie". Well she went straight to another mans house for sex!

Can you commit to contacting the IG tonight while he is bowling?
I posted the link earlier.
You need to give them your name (don't file an anonymous complaint). You can do this by email tonight

Stop asking him what he wants and thinks and start telling him what you need him to do if he wants to stay married. You're giving him way too much power. He is a fogged out, high as a kite adulterer. He can't think straight, so hoping to get leadership or guidance from him is foolish.

You need to take the reins and if that means asking him to leave, that's what you do. Maybe that's what it will take to snap him out of the high of the affair.

Get tough, girl!

From what I gather, in plan A you eliminate all love busters, avoid relationship talk, focus on fulfilling his top emotional needs and be consistent in demanding that he stop his affair. I'd quit sounding needy which is how you come across at the moment. Be strong. Continue snooping, and follow the advice of the posters here.

If the affair doesn't end you're looking at divorce which is a pretty big separation. So I wouldn't bat an eye at plan B. You plan A for 3 weeks and prepare for plan B in the meantime. In plan B you do not contact your spouse. He will realize very quickly that an internet affair can't meet all his needs. As another poster pointed out he is cake eating right now and taking you along for the ride. His treatment of you right now is very emotionally exhausting, so you will only be able to plan A for a short while. Get your ducks in a row for plan B.

Good luck to you. I believe you can recover your marriage.

OK... so I am determined to be strong. I am. 3 weeks of no whining of Love Bank withdrawals, no more weakness or neediness, no more relationship talk (minus the no contact request). His emotional needs will be fulfilled and met, and I will ensure I am consistent in my respectful demands for him to cut off all access with OW.

How is exposure supposed to feel afterwards? He says it hasn't changed his mind at all, I asked if his mind was made up. He said no, but the exposure won't change his mind once he is able to figure out what he wants. He still has access to the same email accounts and Skype accounts and Xbox accounts. And when he went out bowling with his buddy last night, the buddy who had seen the exposure letter, they talked about it. My husband said he told him the whole story, because the email hadn't really painted the enitre picture, with details. My husband said this without shame, as though explaining the whole story to his buddy kind of negated the effects of the exposure. And he said his buddy wasn't judgemental and wished us both the best in our struggle. No one else, that I know of, has talked to him. Though 3 or 4 of the people who received the message called or contacted me in some way to say they are here for me, and tell me to consider a backup plan for when/if he leaves...

Is this how exposure is supposed to be? People tiptoeing, not being judgemental and just kind of... letting him feel like it's ok? He seemed so nonchalant about telling his buddy "the whole story"...

Also, the majority of friends and family I exposed to, have no idea why I would "air our dirty laundry to the world". And when I say I did what I felt was right to save our marriage, I get responses like "well if he looks at this as an attack, I'd understand where he was coming from."

How many of those people have recovered marriages from infidelity? Dr. Harley has 40+ years of experience.

What has your WH said when you demand he end his affair?

Ask them if they are supporting his adultery or are they supporting your marriage? Infidelity is not a private affair and such marriages need the support of family and friends. Infidelity is an "attack," telling the truth and asking for support is not.