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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Originally Posted by loveispatient
Also, the majority of friends and family I exposed to, have no idea why I would "air our dirty laundry to the world". And when I say I did what I felt was right to save our marriage, I get responses like "well if he looks at this as an attack, I'd understand where he was coming from."
How many of those people have recovered marriages from infidelity? Dr. Harley has 40+ years of experience.

What has your WH said when you demand he end his affair?

In order for me to continue wanting to salvage this marriage I need you to stop contacting her.

His response: I haven't contacted her since the weekend.
Me: But you still have access, the lines of communication are still open. Can you cut all access? Delete your email accounts, skype, xbox account?
His response: I could.
Me: Will you?
His response: I don't know.
Me: Do you want me to leave you or to ask you to leave, I can't keep trying to salvage our marriage if I know she is still infecting our home.
His response: It has nothing to do with her. If I leave, it will not be because of her.
Me: So can you cut all contact and send her a no contact letter, read by me before you send it?
His response: I don't know. I'll think about it.

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by loveispatient
Also, the majority of friends and family I exposed to, have no idea why I would "air our dirty laundry to the world". And when I say I did what I felt was right to save our marriage, I get responses like "well if he looks at this as an attack, I'd understand where he was coming from."

Ask them if they are supporting his adultery or are they supporting your marriage? Infidelity is not a private affair and such marriages need the support of family and friends. Infidelity is an "attack," telling the truth and asking for support is not.


I like the way you put this, I may use this in my next explanation to folks as to why I exposed the secret.

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Originally Posted by loveispatient
His response: I haven't contacted her since the weekend.
Me: But you still have access, the lines of communication are still open. Can you cut all access? Delete your email accounts, skype, xbox account?

And here is the problem, "can you cut all access" is not a demand is a request.

I believe the correct way to say this is along the lines of "I want you to cut out all contact with the OW immediately or the decision to stay or leave the marriage will no longer be yours to make because you are damaging our marriage further the longer this contact goes on and the harder it will be for us to move on with reconciliation should you wish to stay married".

He needs to hear the consequences of his lack of decision making and he isn't serious about deciding because let's face it he's too busy going out with his buddies and playing computer games to dedicate any real time to such a serious decision.

How much longer are you willing to live like this? I am not against plan A but you need so show him you are serious.


BW 36(Me)
WS 38
Married: 2000
DD1November 22 2008 - DD2 October 2014
PA Duration September 08 - November 08
Second discovery- 6 online affairs 4 sexual one emotional. October 2014.kids: DS 17, DS 14, DS 12, DS 10 . Baby after divorce DS 18months

Divorced

Was misled into thinking we were in recovery for 6 years.

If you were shocked reading any of this, that this is the consequence of not following MB to the LETTER.

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I promise that this the following is true...100% of the time.

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Me: So can you cut all contact and send her a no contact letter, read by me before you send it?
His response: I don't know. I'll think about it.

This means "NO", that he has no intention of cutting contact and writing the NC letter. Now at least you know where you stand and have your answer.

Now what are you going to do about it?


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I will use the previous poster's words... tonight. After we put the children down for bed. And he still replies I don't know, then I will get back on Plan A, until the next evening, at the same time, where I will use the previous poster's words again.

Now I am worried that he has been lying to me... He told me and the Chaplain just yesterday that he hasn't talked to her... but oftentimes, right after we talk to the Chaplain together he reaches out to her...

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Originally Posted by loveispatient
Me: Do you want me to leave you or to ask you to leave, I can't keep trying to salvage our marriage if I know she is still infecting our home.
His response: It has nothing to do with her. If I leave, it will not be because of her.
Me: So can you cut all contact and send her a no contact letter, read by me before you send it?
His response: I don't know. I'll think about it.

I would go ahead and pack his bags and prepare to separate. Since he REFUSES to end his affair, you need to prepare to separate.

I would also call the IG TODAY and inform them that your husband is carrying on an affair over his government, TAXPAYER funded, laptop.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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At this point you need to plan for separation.

You should start saving money from any joint account so you have money to live on.
Get the phone number for child support etc.
Are you in base housing or private housing?

Also make sure he does not see your postings here

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Since you have mentioned children, then you know how to set boundaries for them. If little loves is coloring on the table you wouldn't say "Can you please stop coloring the tables with the markers" and expect little loves to stop. But to say "Stop coloring on mommy's table or I will put the markers in the trash". Then you get the desired response.

It's about setting YOUR boundary that you will not have him conducting his affair in YOUR home.

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Thank you all for your advice. I am in the military as well... I cannot contact the IG for legal reasons, of which I will not go into. I will just say, if an investigation were to take place regarding my husband's affair, they would discover more than adultery and he would be taken away from the family, forcibly.

Please do not press me on this issue. I will protect my husband, he is not dangerous or violent.

However, I do believe that I am done. I am done hurting him and/or being the cause of his pain. I am letting go of the steering wheel that I have been turning and turning, trying to get us back on course, and I will just let go, and let the path be chosen. I am sick of thinking this is in my control. All that is under my control are my actions and my children. I am done. Done with the endless asking, I am not a weak woman, but this situation has made me feel so weak. I need to remember my strength. I am never giving up on him and I have faith in him, and I am never giving up on this marriage but, I am sick of turning the steering wheel when it won't budge.

So, Plan A, but I can easily see Plan B becoming more and more possible. He said we will discuss three things this evening, I brought them up this morning so he could think about it throughout the day: 1) Cutting all access with OW. 2) What he needs emotionally from me. 3) My non-cancellable surprise plans for our 5 year anniversary (in 2.5 weeks)

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I still say go to the IG. If they find out other stuff it isn't your fault. You went to the IG because of his actions not yours. You say you cannot control him but he seems to be controlling you on this IG issue. Also, I am not sure what your rank is or who is getting BAH when you go to Plan B make sure you get your own account and take money from the joint to put in it. If he persists on this affair take your kids and move the hell out.

Defending our country is a big enough burden as it is. You shouldn't have to wage war on two fronts. If your Navy talk to the fleet and family support center for help as well as the JAG. If you get in a financial pinch there is always the Navy Marine Corps Relief Society.

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So... My plan is in motion. We discussed the aforementioned three items. He said when he is ready he will remove access. I demanded again and he said he can't do it just because I said Now, he had to do it on his own time. When I let him know that his time is causing pain and hurt to his family, he said if you want to see it that way. I said I don't want to, but ok. Take your time. I will let up on talking about the situation, but I will not stop demanding that you cut all access, I will not have that in this house or under this roof any longer. He said ok. So he'll be getting reminders. He just doesn't know that there is a timeline, either he cuts access or it gets out of my house, 3 weeks. I let him know, the longer he delays cutting access the messier our reconciliation or separation or divorce will be.

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Again he asked for time alone, this time to play a video game... He is playing on his Xbox, same system he met OW on, alone in the basement. He asked for 30 minutes. Out of respect, and because of Plan A, I said ok Hun, see you upstairs... It's just very difficult to believe him... I want to though.

We shall see.


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Originally Posted by loveispatient
Again he asked for time alone, this time to play a video game... He is playing on his Xbox, same system he met OW on, alone in the basement. He asked for 30 minutes. Out of respect, and because of Plan A, I said ok Hun, see you upstairs... It's just very difficult to believe him... I want to though.

We shall see.

That is not Plan A at all. That is enabling. Do you think playing on XBox is in any way good for your marriage? You have no reason to believe him. None. Pretending that you believe a liar is not wise and not part of Plan A.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I would take that Xbox and sell it. First off he was on it planning another way to communicate with OW. Keep snooping and don't let him know about it.

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I would walk downstairs and join him. Tell him that playing Xbox is disrespectful to you in your home and ask him to stop.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I fear it will be a love withdrawal if I say, Hun, no time alone. I thought plan a focused on love deposits...

I guess I could say, I respect your need for time alone, however until you have cut all access, your time alone should only consist of non electronic means of enjoyment. No Xbox, computer, cell phone or nook.

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Going now... Thanks

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Originally Posted by loveispatient
I fear it will be a love withdrawal if I say, Hun, no time alone. I thought plan a focused on love deposits...

No, that is not what we mean when we suggest Plan A. Plan A does not mean being an enabler.

Go down there and tell him since he has used XBox to conduct his affair, that you request he stop playing XBox and get rid of the machine.

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I guess I could say, I respect your need for time alone,

Why would a married man need time alone? Especially a cheater? Why would you "respect" something so destructive?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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He is off Xbox with an agreement that he will not play it unless I am there, or just not at all. Aren't these selfish demands? I may not quite understand plan A... I read the book...?

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Originally Posted by loveispatient
He is off Xbox with an agreement that he will not play it unless I am there, or just not at all. Aren't these selfish demands? I may not quite understand plan A... I read the book...?

No.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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