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Originally Posted by Logans_Run
Originally Posted by JannaBella
I dont think he has another phone. While he was away for the day I ripped the house apart and while he was sleeping I did the same with his car. If he has one its buried in the yard which is unlikely.


I thought the same thing......i found the affair phone 9 months and 5 days after dday. Keep looking. Bottoms of end tables, old coat pockets, behind tool boxes, suffed inside boxes that hold garbage bags, underneath file folders, inside unused luggage....you get the idea.


I can top that, his was hidden in the air box of the car where you change the air filter. Also he hid it under the plastic cubby hole in the center console.... you can pop those out to clean them and there is usually a big empty space under them.


Me -BS 40
Him - FWH 34 (dtl)
3 D-Days from 12/25/10 to 01/06/11
NC - 01/09/11
02/20/12 done beating my head on that wall.
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He probably had the phone with him while he was away, is my guess.


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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Originally Posted by JannaBella
Jessica

H did not have A during our entire M. But thats not really the point. That M ended when we separated for all intents and purposes. I am concerned today about what is going on now.

As for accomplishing it singlehandedly, I dont understand what you mean. Can you elaborate?

BTW, do you mind if I ask what your situation is? I see you post a lot to others, but couldnt find your story. Are you a BS or a WW or something else?

Janna

I'm a former betrayed wife. My ex husband had multiple affairs during the last 8 years of our 16-year marriage. I tried desperately to keep the marriage intact, but learned the hard way that sheer willpower was not enough. We divorced 6 years ago and I have custody of our kids. About 3 years ago, I started dating a wonderful man who is also divorced with kids. We are engaged to be married but do not live together. Our plan is to delay the wedding for a few years because most of the kids will be in college at that point (so we'll be able to avoid a "Brady Bunch" situation). *My fiance and I had some issues a few months ago, and I had a thread regarding it. We were able to resolve the issues through phone counseling sessions with Steve Harley. (I highly recommend Steve's counseling.)

Reading your thread, I noticed that you seem to be knocking yourself out, and am wondering if your husband is equally committed to restoring the marriage. It seems like he is letting you do all the heavy lifting.

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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
I would take him on his offer.

This thread has example questions in it.
Polygraph Testing


Thanks for the link BH. I may take him up on his offer at some point. I want to see what shakes out from exposure first. But honestly, I dont have a ton of unanswered questions.

I scanned the link last night but my brain too tired....will relook at it today. In any case, he's put himself on the hook to take one if I choose.

Janna

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Originally Posted by karmasrose
He probably had the phone with him while he was away, is my guess.

If he did, that would have been his first opportunity to buy and hide it and he would have had to do that in front of son he just exposed to.

From the evidence, he was only talking to OW once or twice a month. I cant see him going to those lengths.

Anyway, thanks to everyone for the tips. If he has one, I will find it. So far, no sign of another phone.
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Jessica

Thanks for sharing your story. Im sorry you went through all that, but glad to hear you are happy now.

As for the heavy lifting, my H has done his share at resolving many of the issues in our M. Clearly more to be done. He will come through or not.

Janna

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Still no luck contacting OW BS. I think messaging people on FB who are not your friends is unreliable as it is not easy to realize you have a message there. Not sure if he ignored my voice mail or if it dropped off before he picked it up. Called the house but lost my nerve when a man answered because wasnt sure it was him or son. Anyway, dont want to talk to him with OW around and was mainly just checking to see if he was back at work. Seems odd if he got any of my contacts that hes not responding. He has always responded in the past.

I got sidetracked by a family medical situation, but I did have the opportunity to have someone who knows cars go over H car.
No sign of a secret phone.

H told me about the other OW friend request on FB. Of course, he knew I would see it.

Son called again and told us he forgot to tell us looked like someone took abaseball bat to our mailbox at other house. Said it was day or day after when I first contacted OW BS. Odd coincidence.

He also asked H how things were going with us because H had told him I was upset with him for talking to OW. Son told H "stay away from her; shes not worth it."

My plan is to expose to OW FB list Friday. I cant keep up with all the friends she is busy adding now that shes retired. Most of them former male coworkers. Seems she is not happy and on the prowl again.

Also, waiting for an updated list of my H family contact info from SIL as I have lost track of their emails if I ever had them.

In the meantime, H is being very loving and I am banking some Plan A time to see us through in case the exposure turns into a firestorm.

Janna


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Please wait a minute!!!!

Dr. Harley in talking about exposure says to tell family, CLOSE friends, clergy, those who may have influence on the affair partners.

Most facebook friends do NOT fall under that category and are simply aquaintances at best.

You're right, messaging people on facebook is unreliable because most only know her in passing and have no interest in getting personally involved.

You have already exposed to people on her facebook, there really is no reason to go after her new "friends". They can't help end the affair because there is nothing really going on now.


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Originally Posted by schtoop
Please wait a minute!!!!

Dr. Harley in talking about exposure says to tell family, CLOSE friends, clergy, those who may have influence on the affair partners.

Most facebook friends do NOT fall under that category and are simply aquaintances at best.

I disagree 1000%!! Facebook is a collection of one's closest family and friends. Those are the people who do have the most influence over the cheater. We have had many affairs killed from doing a facebook exposure.

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You're right, messaging people on facebook is unreliable because most only know her in passing and have no interest in getting personally involved.

And you won't know that until and unless you message the person. You can't predict who will have an impact unless you are PSYCHIC.

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You have already exposed to people on her facebook, there really is no reason to go after her new "friends". They can't help end the affair because there is nothing really going on now.

If the affair has already been exposed to her facebook contacts, I agree there is no reason to do it again.

I haven't read this thread, btw, so I might have missed something.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Janna, I am trying to catch up, but if you have not contacted the OW's husband, you need to focus ALL of your attention on that. You need to stop hanging up when you call his house. [disguise your # using *67 before you call so the OW can't see it on caller ID] Ask for him. Or drive to his house. But what you can't do is give up until you have spoken to him. That is absolutely essential.

If you have already done a facebook exposure on the OW, don't bother doing it again.

Do you see any brothers or sisters of the OWH on her facebook? If you do, send THEM a PM and ask them to have the OWH call you. Tell them about the affair.

And STOP calling this a "friendship," it is an affair. Your husband is having an emotional affair. He is like the alcoholic who changes the name of his drinks to "business drinks" as a justification. But he is still just as drunk. After an affair there is no going back to a "friendship." An affair is an affair.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by JannaBella
I replied that maybe I should. He persisted that I should and he would pass. So, I said, "Would you really take a poly if I wanted you to?"

He said, "Yes". Of course, Im sure he has no idea that people are doing that lol or that I meant actually go to a professional who gives them.

Janna, did you set up the polygraph yet? I predict you will uncover many more affairs since he has a secret second life and stays in touch with his former OW.

The best way to do this is to schedule the polygraph and then surprise him 2 days ahead of time. When you tell him, hand him a list of all your questions and give him one last chance to come clean before the poly. [they usually sing like a canary because they don't want to flunk] The tester will choose 2-3 questions off the list and your WS will not know which ones until the test.

I can tell there is more here than meets the eye.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by JannaBella
Anyway, we moved and the contact info I had for her husband with whom Ive spoken before is in our old house. Trying to go on memory, I sent him emails to several addresses that came back undeliverable. Then I sent same message to his facebook email and sent him a friend request. Finally, I remembered and called his company and got put through to his number. He didnt answer, so I left a voicemail message telling him they were in contact again and we should talk. Gave him my email addresses.

This was written on the 18th of January. Did you call him back?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by JannaBella
The OW he has recently been in contact with changed her FB name to a hyphenated name using her maiden-married name today. She's never used that name in the 20+ years Ive known her and I cant think of any reason to unless youre trying to make sure people you knew before marriage can contact you?

Deleting the facebook page should be at the top of your list of extraordinary precautions!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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OK, you guys are confusing me on FB exposure, but probably I wasnt clear.

When the A ended(5 years ago) there was some minimal exposure by me and by her BH. Also, they were flaunting the A to her family and some of WH family. Additionally, the woman her BH used to ID WH in photos taken by PI is a huge gossip so Im sure lots of people knew.

Bottom line...5 years ago there was some exposure...although some of those people were prob told H and I were separated and OW/BH were divorcing and therefore may not have viewed it as an A.

Back to the present...current situation is H breaking NC and being in phone contact with her a couple times a month for last 6 months. He says last time mid-Dec. I will be able to verify that in a few days.

So my plan is to expose the break in NC along with fact it was an A that started prior to our separation to her FB friends. I am doing this Friday.

My comment about it being unreliable was regarding the mechanics of FB not who will be supportive or not. If someone is not your friend messages go to "Other" mailbox......hard to notice. Its like spam box. Possibly why her BH has not seen or responded to the message I sent him there.

Hope that clarifies.

Janna

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Originally Posted by JannaBella
So my plan is to expose the break in NC along with fact it was an A that started prior to our separation to her FB friends. I am doing this Friday.

My comment about it being unreliable was regarding the mechanics of FB not who will be supportive or not. If someone is not your friend messages go to "Other" mailbox......hard to notice. Its like spam box. Possibly why her BH has not seen or responded to the message I sent him there.

Gotcha! That makes perfect sense and I agree with your plan to expose to her facebook friends.

A couple of key pointers:

1. stop calling it a "friendship," it is not a friendship, that is wayward spin. It is an affair. And you have proof; your husband admitted they were back in contact. He hid it for a reason: it is an affair.

2. I would insist that your husband delete his facebook page. He has poor boundaries around women and should not have a page, much less opposite sex friendships

3. Keep calling the OW's H and don't give up until you get him

4. I would strongly suggest you schedule a polygraph as I outlined above. I predict you will get more information


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Janna, I am trying to catch up, but if you have not contacted the OW's husband, you need to focus ALL of your attention on that. You need to stop hanging up when you call his house. [disguise your # using *67 before you call so the OW can't see it on caller ID] Ask for him. Or drive to his house. But what you can't do is give up until you have spoken to him. That is absolutely essential.

If you have already done a facebook exposure on the OW, don't bother doing it again.

Do you see any brothers or sisters of the OWH on her facebook? If you do, send THEM a PM and ask them to have the OWH call you. Tell them about the affair.

And STOP calling this a "friendship," it is an affair. Your husband is having an emotional affair. He is like the alcoholic who changes the name of his drinks to "business drinks" as a justification. But he is still just as drunk. After an affair there is no going back to a "friendship." An affair is an affair.

Melody

I have not yet been able to reach OW BH. Will try the FB contact, I know who his brother is.

Its hard to keep calling because H is underfoot. Next time I have the chance I will try him at work again. My belief is they were out of town for a week or more so I have some concern my original voice mail may have dropped off his mailbox if he wasnt checking. I havent given up, just not having any luck yet or he is ignoring me.

I get that this is not a friendship. Those are really my H words and Ive made it clear there will be no friendship if he wants to stay M to me.

Thanks
Janna

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Originally Posted by JannaBella
My comment about it being unreliable was regarding the mechanics of FB not who will be supportive or not. If someone is not your friend messages go to "Other" mailbox......hard to notice. Its like spam box. Possibly why her BH has not seen or responded to the message I sent him there.

How are you sending the messages? Are you going to the targets facebook page and clicking on "message" and sending it that way? They will see it when they get on facebook the next time.

Also, you should copy and paste her friends list into a WORD doc now for safe keeping. When she gets wind of your exposure, she will hide her friends list.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by JannaBella
Melody

I have not yet been able to reach OW BH. Will try the FB contact, I know who his brother is.

Its hard to keep calling because H is underfoot. Next time I have the chance I will try him at work again. My belief is they were out of town for a week or more so I have some concern my original voice mail may have dropped off his mailbox if he wasnt checking. I havent given up, just not having any luck yet or he is ignoring me.

Good deal! Just stick to it.

Quote
I get that this is not a friendship. Those are really my H words and Ive made it clear there will be no friendship if he wants to stay M to me.

Thanks
Janna

I would not use his wayward terminology. Especially around him. He can call it a baloney sandwich, but you don't have to! An affair is an affair. And I would not use the term friendship again.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Sorry, I was a little confused about the timeline and previous exposures.

Not to side-track this thread, but, Melody must not be using the same "Facebook" I am familiar with. A lot of the people I interact with on FB have anywhere from 200-300 to nearly 1,000 "friends".

Only a small percentage of those are family or close enough friends to have any influence on the affairees.

Of course FB should be used as a tool for identifying and contacting exposure targets, but I don't think targeting EVERYONE who is friended on FB is an effective plan.

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Originally Posted by schtoop
Only a small percentage of those are family or close enough friends to have any influence on the affairees.

Of course FB should be used as a tool for identifying and contacting exposure targets, but I don't think targeting EVERYONE who is friended on FB is an effective plan.

We don't care who is close or not to the OP; [how would we even know???] it is completely and utterly irrelevant. That factor is only relevant to the WS. Exposing to as many of the OP's contacts as possible serves to RUN HER OFF and warn her contacts that she is a skank. Why in the world would we CARE who has influence on her?

When doing a facebook exposure, it is best to make a list and rank them like this:

1. family members
2. married friends
3. any clergy

If an OP has 1000 contacts, then of course, they can't all be targets, but the BS should expose to as many as they can.

This is much cheaper than taking out a billboard.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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