Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 66
R
redFish Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 66
I come here once a year or so seking advice when I don't know where else to turn.

My W and I have a relatively normal marriage but have had problems since day 1 due to difference in expectations of SF. I am high libido W is low.

I used to get frustrated after long periods of no SF or mercy sex (ugh) and we'd have 'The Talk'. Things would improve for a week or so then go back to normal.

Last post I said I turned this over to God but in thinking about it I don;t really even know what that means. I did stop nagging. Really stopped asking for SF at all. Worked more on fulfilling ENs although she already said I was doing everything she wanted (she reluctantly did the EN survey with me). I did more gifts, cards, flowers than before (I always did this anyway). I did more around the house although there is still room for improvement there. I complemented and showed admiration and respect but everything is still the same. I've been dealing with mild depression but do everything possible to act upbeat around her so I'm not a drag to be around.

I bought several books but they all seem to come from the premise of two people who are aware of a problem working to resolve it. My W however sees no problem. Everything is great for her. I help out as much as possible, am respectful and loving, bring her cards and flowers and she reluctantly allows me a quickie 2 or 3 times a month.

What we are doing now is not even appealing to me and I'm starting to not want to have SF with her. It's just boring. But of course I have this desire to have a passionate relationship with my W. I have this aching gnawing feeling in my gut but no way to resolve it.

I have begun to lose respect for her and no longer see her as a partner. It's more like she is just somebody I live with and do things with. Her constant rejection of me physically is killing my love for her and I'm no longer even discussing it with her. We've talked about this a hundred times over the course of our relationship and I've come to realization that the only person in the world I can be passionate with does not want to be passionate with me. I feel rejected and humiliated especially because she doesn't seem to care about this issue. If she recognized it as a problem and was working on it I would feel better but she seems to just ignore it.

Thoughts of leaving her enter my mind constantly. I'm afraid that by staying I'm dooming myself to a life without passion. But I made a promise to God that I would stay until death and I plan to honor that.

So... How do I live like this? I'm sad and feel unloved. I feel like I have no option other than to accept the hand I've been dealt. I feel like crying every day and my eyes well up but the tears don't come. It would almost be a relief. I feel like I'm mouring a death that reoccurs every day.

Sorry to whine but this is the only place I can come to let my feelings out. I'm not comfortable talking to this situation with friends (would be inappropriate) and cannot do counseling (no time or money). She no longer cares to talk about it and refuses counseling.

Any thougthts? I'm worn out thinking about it but I can't stop.

Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 8,296
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 8,296
Holdingontoit is going through the same things but it coming out on the other side judging from his last post here. I wish he could come on and help.

How many times do you get sex per month? Does she ever like sex at all?

I think on this issue, with this particular need of yours, if you give your wife NO consequences for the lack of sex, then she will not fully realize there is a problem.

You must shake things up in your marriage, not make things smooth and calm as silk. Others can help more here. Tell her you are thinking of divorce since you cannot live with the situation anymore.

<small>[ May 08, 2004, 10:39 AM: Message edited by: baba2 ]</small>

Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 66
R
redFish Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 66
Not sure how I would 'shake things up' without being disrespectful or hurting her. If it were not for this issue we'd have an unbelievable relationship and I feel guilty for making such a big deal out of this issue but can't help it.

Discussing SF is out (she's tired of that convo), I can't beg or plead, can't fulfill her ENs more or cease LBs much. We have chilldren so I can't leave, we don't even have a spare bedroom I could move into. I feel like I'm at a dead end road staring off a cliff. Ugh. Now I'm depressing myself.

Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 1,749
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 1,749
Maybe she has not realized just how deeply you feel this, I know I know, you have said it a million time, always the same issue, always the same solution from her. Things get better for a week or two then right back to where it was, BTDT!!!!!!

Print out what you wrote and give it to her. Maybe seeing it written and seeing that you have asked for help from others on the issue will have an impact.

Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 8,296
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 8,296
Tell her you are thinking of either leaving or having an affair because your needs are not filled. This is not an LB, it is the truth.

Does she ever LIKE sex? How often?

You really need counseling for this issue....to lead you though it.

Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 66
R
redFish Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 66
MBFW: I think she's knows it's a big deal (but not a major problem) but is no more aware than I am about how to fix it. Imagine we can only eat together and I'm starving but she is full. She's full! there is no problem. She feels bad that she can't help me. I'm not sure if showing her the post would generate sympathy or anger. I'll think about doing that.

baba2: I think I am going to have to let her know I've reached this new low point. It may not matter but at least she'll know how I feel. I'm not sure she ever really liked SF. She says she enjoys it and it's wonderful but why would you never want to do it if you enjoyed it? Her words don't match her actions so I find it hard to believe her on this issue. Maybe a white lie to spare my feelings?

<small>[ May 08, 2004, 11:08 AM: Message edited by: redFish ]</small>

Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 8,296
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 8,296
OK, she NEVER wants to do it? Then why the heck did she ever get married!?

She is walking all over you, man. You don't get married only to NEVER have sex unless you want a "celebate" marriage.

Go to AVEN, the asexual board and show her the posts there, see if she is asexual, If she is, then there is your answer.

Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 66
R
redFish Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 66
Last time I posted people asked if she was taking advantage of me too. That hurts and I don't want to believe it. We married very young and are each others first and only so we had no expectations of SF. We discussed sex before we married and I told her it was important to me and she said she understood. It just hasn't worked out. I do not wish to be celebate.

She told a friend once that if I died and she never had to have SF again that would be fine with her (ouch). I'll check out AVEN. I never heard of that before.

I really appreciate your input.

<small>[ May 08, 2004, 11:23 AM: Message edited by: redFish ]</small>

Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 8,296
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 8,296
Go to google and type in asexuality or asexual. Or AVEN. You will be stunned at the many people who do not care to have sex, ever.

My eyes were opened reading that board. It talks about how a "sexual" can live with an "asexual" and everything.

If she is asexual, and did not know it when you got married than you need to know this in order to develop coping devices to keep your marriage together.

It can be done if both people know the truth, the whole truth about each other and where each are coming from. And if both partners want to compromise and understand each other and work it out.

First step is knowing the truth about her sexual (or lack of) drive.

Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 66
R
redFish Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 66
I was reading the FAQ on the asexuality board and to be honest with you I feel numb right now. There are many aspects of asexuality that 'fit' our situation. I'm praying that this is something that can be 'fixed'. I can't begin to think about this just being the way she is. I'm going to show her the asexuality board and see what she says.

<small>[ May 08, 2004, 11:42 AM: Message edited by: redFish ]</small>

Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 8,296
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 8,296
If she cannot be "changed" at least thru that board, you have a "point where you can start to communicate" about the issue and what you are going to do about it.

I learned there are many sexual extremes and that is one of them. That is the far EXTREME of severe Low Libidoness.

Then I found there were "NO LIBIDO" people!!!!!

My eyes were opened and I appreciated the little bits of "sex" I get here and there!

<small>[ May 08, 2004, 11:48 AM: Message edited by: baba2 ]</small>

Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 66
R
redFish Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 66
Do you have to deal with rejection?

I think that's the hardest part for me... feeling unwanted by the only person in the world I want. Sometimes I'm obsessed trying to make sense of it.

Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 8,296
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 8,296
Yes. I wish I could list all my posts on MB (for you) over the last three years that I have battled this problem. I have had to go deep.

He is giving me great Hand job sex once a week. We have regular sex about once a year. And last time he really made the Hand Job sex exciting. And satisfying.

But we have had to compromise a whole lot and i still feel some of the rejection i felt when I first found out he had a Low Libido.

Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 66
R
redFish Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 66
Thanks for the help. I guess we will have a convo tonight about this. I pray that something good comes of it.

I'll post again this evening with her response.

Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 8,296
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 8,296
He still says, "It is not you, it is me!" but then why do I feel unloved and rejected?

We have compromised to the point where I can pretty much live with it. This took three or four years to get to this point.

I still want regular sex more often, and I want oral and other stuff that he won't do. It is Hand job city around our house.

Will she offer you hand jobs or oral at least? Even if she dislikes sex? Heck, it only takes 15-20 minutes of her busy day.....to give you "something"....

Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 8,296
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 8,296

Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 66
R
redFish Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 66
She'll occasionally do stuff other than quickies but it's obvous she doesn't enjoy it. It's like a chore, something she has to do. That takes the fun out of it for me and I regret asking for anything.

I've read clashing libidos before. I'm trying to find a balance between respecting her wishes and fulfilling my needs as opposed to making one or the other happy. Sometimes it seems impossible and I get depressed about it. Once I start getting down about it I obsess and it gets worse each time.

It's like a cycle. I get unhappy and complain. She comes around for a short period then stops again. I get a little more unhappy than last time and complain, etc, etc. I don't see a happy end if we continue like this.

Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 1,043
N
nam Offline
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 1,043
This probably won't help you but I'll add my 2 cents.

My H wanted more sex and did not ask me or tell me how important it was to him other than to say a few (like 4?) times over many years that he wanted more sex. He never sat me down to discuss the importance of this issue in a way that we could approach it together.

He did say some critical things that made me feel like a frigid wife (which I am not) or worse like I had some horrible hang ups (which I do not), at one point I even questioned whether I'd been abused by my father and repressed it. One of the worst feelings was thinking it was the sex that was the important thing not sex with me: As if anyone would do.

These things did not make the situation better.

My suggestion to you is to be so open and honest about the importance of sex with your wife there is nothing that has been left unsaid.

She needs to know exactly where you stand and what you need from her and what this situation is doing to your love for her. Do not hold back.

Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 66
R
redFish Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 66
Thanks nam, I agree communication is important and we've talked this issue out to the point that when I bring it up she gets this expression on her face that speaks a thousand words. It's an LB for me to bring it up unless it's a unavoidable.

Most of what I said in this post I've told W in the past. She's sympathetic but it just doesn't last more than a week or two. I've never told her I was thinking about leaving and probably won't now either. I can't even believe that idea is going through my head. Besides I don't think I could really do it. I'm going to try to emphasize how serious the situation is when we talk tonight.

Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 1,043
N
nam Offline
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 1,043
That is exactly what you should tell her. That this situation makes you feel like you want to leave her to find passion in a loving relationship.

Do not hold anything back. It sounds as though you don't say unkind things and hurt her so as long as you are expressing your needs and not bashing her tell her all of what you feel.

Look at it this way: You want some movement, some resolution to this problem. If you tell your W all that you feel and she gives you a look, that alone will tell something of her willingness to work together to find a solution.

Try asking her what she thinks she can do to help you. You don't want to lose your love for her but the situation is creating the possibility. Ask her to participate in ideas, don't just express your feelings get her to come up with some actual things she is willing to do.

Page 1 of 2 1 2

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (NewEveryDay), 1,357 guests, and 77 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5