Please don't go. If you have problems with a particular poster, there are ways around that. You need to get the book "Surviving an Affair" definitely. I was a BS and I wish I'd known about MB then.

Don't go on "trust". You saw what you saw. Trust your eyes.
All WS (and particularly men) will minimize what is going on. More likely with men, my belief is, because women are reputed to be "too emotional" and "worry too much". It's an easy defense when our suspicions get aroused.

Always verify. I'm an ex who wishes I had.

Also get the book "Gaslighting". It's about the things people do to make you feel like you are not seeing reality. I found it most helpful.

NG has a wicked sense of humor.
I am not ugly as a troll, I am however old enough to be your mother Nicole. I'm not very pretty today. H and I are home sick together, coughing up phlegm as green as Ireland. If I start nipping at NyQuil during the day, I will let you all know.

Everyone has their own definition of what? An affair? Crazy?

Then toughen up and look at the frank information people are giving you...so far, you turn from it.

Welcome to MB. Sorry you find yourself here. People can help you...if you want help with the REAL problem.

Pep's mighty good at separating the wheat from the chaff. Go back and read her posts again. Slowly. They'll help you.

Nicole. Wouldnt you like to KNOW nothing is going on rather than HOPE nothing is going on? Your alarm bells are ringing for a reason. Because you dont KNOW ... you will always wonder. And until you know .. you will always have that lingering doubt.

The kind people here are trying to direct you to ways to FIND OUT and KNOW rather than seeking ways to brush it under the rug and continue hoping you think its over and coping with the anxiety of not knowing for sure.

We are all about action here. Feelings follow actions. You dont feel good before you work out. You feel good after you work out.

Keep posting... and reading. It will help.

MNG

We love you 15.

Nicole, my W's A went on for 9 months and I just wanted to think we were having a few issues and could work thru them. I found out about the A when she got pregnant and had a miscarriage. I took her to the hosp and she spilled her guts. Until that night, I was just like you. Thinking it was an innocent friendship and not suspecting my wife of 20 years to do this to me. I was BLOWN AWAY. The advice here has helped me a lot even though these people are not "cute & cuddley" with me. It hurts sometimes but its good advice. Start with something simple like a cell phone tracker. Not hard, completely invisable to him and very quick to determine if there are lies. If not, delete the software from his phone and be done with it. If you see something fishy, then go further.

Under no circumstances should you wait to get your answers. You will lose sleep, your husbands love bank will get depleted because you cant get over your suspicion and you will be vulnerable to have an A yourself. Please dont say that would never happen. It can and it has.

Get your peace now!! Get to a point where you can trust him again and then get the book His Needs, Her Needs to make your marriage even better.

good luck

STILL learning from the best Pep!

Wow....going to read your story next. Glad you are here!!

"I'm pretty sure nothing is going on any longer. What happened in the past is questionable,..."

Give yourself some credit here. At least you are smart enough to question his explanations and have doubts.

I wasn't. I didn't. And lived to deeply regret it.

Many years ago, right after Christmas, my H handed me some new Levi jeans and asked me to hem them alittle shorter. We were broke so I asked him where he got them. He told me an old lady at work sold Levi 2nds out of the back of her pickup truck in the parking lot at work. Good deal! I checked the pockets before washing them & found a layaway receipt in the back pocket. A woman's name, address & phone number on it describing these jeans, the cost & size from a local store. Hmmm? Weird! I asked him. He said she probably bought them for her BF, they'd broken up so she sold them. We argued about this story (and why did he know so much about her personal life?) so I called her. She verified exactly what he'd said. I dropped it, figuring no woman would belittle herself so badly as to lie to a W for a cheating man.

I had her name, her address, her phone number but didn't check any further.

Their affair went on for almost TEN years!!!

Don't be me, nicole. Yes, during those ten years I had a few other little clues but didn't act on them. No, he didn't see her every week or even month,,but TEN years! I believed him. And naively believed in a sisterhood among women. (That embarasses me to even type that)

nicole, I found MB after discovering the affair and I couldn't get rid of the rage & anger. MB wasn't as big as it is now. Very few members & even less actual help. No concrete suggestions or advice. You are fortunate you have many members trying to help,, offering concepts & principles that are successful.

Don't turn your back on that help nicole.

It is as if you noticed an unusual freckle on your skin and asked a dermotologist for a skin cream that would make it go away. The doctor did a biopsy and determined that the "freckle" was actually skin cancer which would need to be surgically removed. Then you started berating the dermotologist, stating it is very rude to tell a patient she has cancer and you weren't looking for such an extreme treatment and the diagnosis can't be true because you are an attractive mom with a perfect life. Then you stormed out of the office.

If your husband has been having an affair, it is like a cancer in your marriage. Downloading spyware on your H's cell phone is like a doctor doing a biopsy. You must accurately diagnose the problem before you can determine the appropriate treatment.

The people on this forum know what an affair looks like just like a dermotologist knows what skin cancer looks like. Disregarding their advice would be as stupid as storming out of the doctor's office.

We've all faced the same diagnosis and we know how scary it is. Come back into the office and have a seat. You don't have to face this alone.

I feel for you. I really do. It's tempting not to come back here and just keep living as if nothing happened. But there's one big problem with that. You can't. Your mind won't let you. Because something DID happen and you saw it with your own eyes.

Under what circumstances would you allow another man to hold your hand or put his hand on your leg under the table in your husband's presence? Can you think of any good reason other than being in lust with that person? No, you can't think of any other reason because there is no other reason. You need to snoop and then, whether you find anything currently occurring or not, your husband needs to take a polygraph just to help you. Because he loves you and can't bear to see you suffer. Don't give in to his gas lighting. He's winning right now.

I hope Nicole comes back after she takes a few to calm down and really think about the things we have said here.

Nicole this site is called Marriage Builders because that is what happens here. Strong marriages are built.

You are in a marriage where your husband disrespects your feelings and continues to stay in contact with a woman that you do not like ( with good reason.) That alone will eventually destroy your marriage.


We can help you to fix this...but there is a logical sequence of steps to follow. The first being to verify beyond doubt that the affair has ended. The way to do that is to set up spyware to see what he is up to when he thinks you are not looking.


Like I said before, you cannot fix it until you know exactly what is going on.


I too hope you come back. My story is almost identical to your first post and it is starting to trigger me even after 4 years.


This place saved my marriage and my husband is a changed man who now cares and protects my feelings.

No one is trying to attack you...we want to help because we have been there.

I think you're mistaken, or I didn't type correctly from my phone. I'm not vain. I'm not "pretty". I have the other pieces to the package but my self image is horrendous! Sorry if I confused you. I was simply staring that I wish the first instinct was to hire ptofessionsks. Private I's and such.

I would like to believe that the sanctity of marriage is still a viable value. I believe that trust, communication, honesty are important. If you don't have that, what do you have? Yes, the emotional affair sucks! And when I read him a definition of an emotional affair, he answered honestly with concern. He hadn't looked for snothee relationship and thought he had just been being a friend to her and listening (now read the whole statement and don't just take pieces and try to make something out of the pieces). He agreed he had crossed the line by definition and that he had no intentions of meeting or going further (I know, they all say that). But I believe him. He was crushed! I do not see her regularly. She occasionally accompanies her husband to a common place.

Here's new info.... I've come up with this on my own. There is no evidence that there is anything going on currently. I am given access to his phone or email whenever I want to read it, does that mean he's not deleting things before I ask... Who knows. But I'd like to think that it's not the case. I have told him recently that I want him to get mad at her. She put her hand on his leg. His reaction was to cover her hand with his hand... If I could draw an illustration or show you, you'd see. I'm not excusing the behavior. What I wanted to happen was for him to freak out and totally be thrown off. And now, to be angry at her and say so! He's beating himself up too for being in the situation and not acting differently. He's taking all of the blame got it, and all I want is for him to say how mad he is at her for doing that and for causing me so much pain in the past year... Does that make any sense?

Cheating.... An optional affair to me is the worst kind. It means it involved feelings.

Nicole,


He did/does? have feelings for her. He will not be angry with her because he liked the feeling it gave him.

Tell her husband what you saw. Tell him about the conversations your H and this woman had. Tell him about all the little signs you saw. Call him today and tell him.

Will your husband agree to never see or talk to this woman again in the future?

AM

I'm glad to see you back Nicole.

You can retell the story a million times. We all heard it the first go round. You are trying to minimize it to make US believe it was nothing, when indeed we all believe it was something. Why? Because almost every BS that comes on here who has not yet discovered the truth, minimizes the obvious. Infidelity is a very, very traumatic thing. It is all around us in the media, in the world, and we almost become desensitized to it when it happens to OTHER people. But when it happens to YOU it will pull the rug of your life right out from under you. So of course, your mind is trying to minimize this and 'hope for the best.'

Your husband has given you a reason not to trust him. Yet you are arguing up one side and down the other about why you have no reason to do a little research. Why? If he has nothing else to hide, then you will only be able to put that suspician and that 'what if' to rest.

I for one think there is more to the story. And I think deep down you know that. Listen to your gut instinct. Get the facts and find out what you are dealing with.

Nobody here is trying to come down hard on you. Because we have all been there in some form or fashion. And many of us have either not discovered MB until we had already made a lot of mistakes, or did not take the advice given until we had made many mistakes. Many of us have regrets! We want to see new posters who are in the beginning of their story do it right! It can mean the difference between saving your marriage or losing it, and healing from this or not.

If you feel too emotional to take the first hand help on your thread, I implore you to continue reading.

Buy SAA and read it cover to cover. Also, read the other threads here in the SAA forum. You will see MANY, MANY similarities to your own situation. The reason for that is because by and large affairs follow the same pattern.

You will find you are not alone. You will find your situation is not 'special.' You will find that ANYONE, no matter how perfect their life, no matter how amazing their spouse, can fall into an affair given the right circumstances.