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#2709092 02/28/13 08:32 AM
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Hi, I am new to this forum.

My wife and I have been been married for 16 years and were dating 4 years prior to that. My wife has always been a very loving and gets along with everyong.

However, over the past year she has been pulling further away from me and making more of a stand for her desires. Come to find out she has been harvesting frusturations from our relationship since day 1. She says that I am too controlling, demanding and disrespectful of her.

This all came out around Jan 1, 2013. Since that time have been going to individual counseling to change my ways. I have been readign all kinds of books on marriage and personal development so I come become the husbands she deservers.

We came across the Marriage Builders site about a month ago and have been working through it. I think I have read every article on the site as weel as some of the books. My wife has read only a few articles.

My wife has agreed to give the marriage a chance however, she has hardened her heart towards me. She says she loves me but is not in love with me. There are momemts over the past months where I can see she still loves me.

I have worked through the Love Busters worksheet to determine what items I need to focus on however, I am concerned her defense are not coming down. I've been focusing on these areas for about a month now. Any guidance is appreciated?

Thanks.

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Welcome Johnny,

I am sorry you found need to find this place.

This is a great place to fix marriages. I think you are off on the right foot working to clean up your side of the street.

But before we give you advice on what actions to take to make your wife fall in love with you we'll need you to answer one important question.

Have you ruled out an affair? The ILYBINILWY statement is a typical wayward spouse comment. Frightfully consistent the percentages where that statement comes from a adulterer.


Me: 57 Her: 54
M: 31 years
Kids(DS23, DD20, DS18)
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Thanks for the reply.

My wife started hanging out with a married guy friend about this time last year. She was running with him quite frequently. I approached her about it several times but she maintained they were just friends. This is also when I noticed her standing her ground with me.

Back in August of last year, I asked her to end the running with him. It took until the end of the year before she finally did.

It came out about a month ago that my wife did have feelings for the guy. She swears there was nothing physical and I believe her but I do beleive it there was/is an immotional attachment. The wife and the guy separated about a two weeks ago.

Since we have agree to work on the marriage, she agreed to cut off all contact with the guy. Only downside is she works with the guy. I've asked she keep me informed of any encounters and there have been a few she has let me know about.

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BTW, is there a guideline for all the abbreviations used on the site?

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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Johnny,

Hit the notify button in your next reply and ask the Moderators to move your thread to the Surviving an Affair section.

Your wife had or is having an affair and until you bust that up (and are absolutely positive it is busted up) your efforts to woo her back will be for not.

Wayward spouses are notorious liars and you will need to do some snooping to ensure she's being completely honest. Also there are specific things that need to be put in place while you try to Plan A your wife.


I am sorry for what you are going through.


Me: 57 Her: 54
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Originally Posted by JohnnyPositive
However, over the past year she has been pulling further away from me and making more of a stand for her desires.

The CAUSE of this 'pulling away' is an emotional investment into her running partner.

Originally Posted by JohnnyPositive
Come to find out she has been harvesting frusturations from our relationship since day 1. She says that I am too controlling, demanding and disrespectful of her.

This is called 'rewriting history' and is standard wayward behavior.

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You didn't mention the AP until you were asked. Which leads me to believe that you think this is a minor intrusion into your already problematic marriage.

Do you understand that your wife is involved in an affair? Whether this is emotional or physical, she is in a 'fog' and is not thinking clearly. You need to understand that this AP and this affair are the single most important reason you have a problematic marriage. You may have had many things to improve before this, but your number one issue right now is this affair.

Once you understand that killing this affair is the most important aspect of recovering your marriage, you can proceed more effectively and do what is going to be required to save your marriage.

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Have you read about EN's? RC (recreational companionship) is not only one EN, but one of the 4 INTIMATE EN's. This is an EN that your wife has been filling for her AP, and he has been filling for her, for a very long time.

This is how affairs are created, by opening yourself to having EN's filled by an outside party.

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I hate to say this, but I will bet bottom dollar that the relationship went physical and their involvement is also the reason that he split with his wife.

I will also bet that she is still in contact with him.

Do your homework and get snooping, you will likely find I'm right.

First thing, check her cell phone logs on the bill. I bet you find hundreds of texts to him each month and many phone calls. I bet you also find recent ones.

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Do NOT tell your wife you are posting on this site. This needs to be your place to get advice right now.

What kind of snooping methods do you have in place? There is an operation investigation forum dedicated to snooping techniques. Your wife is in a fog right now, which means you cannot believe what she tells you. You need to verify the truth yourself. You can do this by putting spyware on her phone, a keylogger on the computer, etc.

I am guessing you will find out that your wife is still in contact with this OM. I mean phone,text, email, etc. contact. We already KNOW she see's him every day at work...

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Originally Posted by schtoop
I hate to say this, but I will bet bottom dollar that the relationship went physical and their involvement is also the reason that he split with his wife.

I concur.

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Thanks for the response.

Yes, I have read the EN's and realize that RC was one of them. However, she is reluctant to want to do running with me. We have two girls (8 & 5) so finding time that we both cna run at the same time is difficult.

I've checked phone calls and texts prior to and since our agreement (made on 2/7) to end the relationship. Since that time she has told me about two encounters at work and one at the gym. There are no phone calls to him from her cell phone andthe number of text has decreased dramatically (although I can't tell who the text are to).





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The Infidelity Algebra is never wrong:

EA + Time + Opportunity = PA

So, were I to bet, I also would lay my money on WW and POSOM doing the nasty, in some form or another.

And, btw, she probably has acquired an "affair-phone". Find it, but don't let her know you found it. The reasons are in recipe below.

Here is your game plan. Most betrayed husbands haven't the courage to follow it fully,
to their own discomfiture. Those that do have remarkably better results than the rest.

NEVERGUESSED'S BETRAYED HUSBAND SURVIVAL KIT

1- KEEP ALL THESE ARRANGEMENTS SECRET FROM YOUR WAYWARD WIFE!
2 � Put a keylogger on any computer you can access that she might use.
3 � Put a spy program on any cell that she might use. ("Eblaster" can cover #4 as well.)
4 � Put a GPS on her car, reporting to your computer.
5 � Put a VAR in her car, and in any room she might use to take "personal" calls
6 � Get a mini-audio-recorder, and have it in your possession and "on" whenever in her presence.
7 � Put together an e-address list of anyone who might have influence on her � parents, siblings (sisters, especially), coworkers, college friends, clergy, hairdresser, anyone.
8 � Put together a similar list for the POSOM.
WHEN YOU HAVE SUFFICIENT EVIDENCE,
9 � Put together the electronic evidence for each AP.
10 - Write a cover note for your wife's contacts, to the tune of: "I must unhappily inform you that my wife, XXXXXX, is carrying on an illicit affair with YYYYYY. I am hoping to recover our marriage, and ask if you have any influence over her, to urge her to abandon her cheating lifestyle and return to me and our family. Her cell number is 111-222-3333"
11 � Write a similar note to POSOM's contacts.
12 � Send out both packages, to all contacts at one time.
13 � Brace yourself.

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No time to post more but this was a PA.

Learn how to dig for more evidence on MB.

Post here before you confront WW.

Get ready to have your WW take a polygraph test.

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All I have to say is follow NG's advice and snoop like a ninja, in stealth. Keep your information to yourself and share it here for next steps. Remember your dealing with a drug addict whose mind state is all about her next fix. She will be immune to logic and reason. Ignore what she says for now and don't get angry, cooler heads prevail. Take care of yourself get some sleep, eat, right, etc. I know it sucks I have been there and I am still there. You can do this.

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Hi JP, Sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. Since no one has mentioned it yet, your wife will HAVE to leave that job if you are to recover. You cannot recover if you have to wonder if she is not banging the OM at the office while you are at home and she is lying about seeing him. It won't work. As it is she doesn't even need to call him from her cell or email him from the pc at home... she has all of the 8 hours at work to get her fix of this OM. Affairs are addictions. Sooner or later your WW if she hasn't already will give in to her addiction to OM at work.

Follow the advice given by the vets. Snoop, get more information and then expose as per NG's BH survival kit.

Good luck.


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Originally Posted by BetrayedP
Hi JP, Sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. Since no one has mentioned it yet, your wife will HAVE to leave that job if you are to recover. You cannot recover if you have to wonder if she is not banging the OM at the office while you are at home and she is lying about seeing him. It won't work. As it is she doesn't even need to call him from her cell or email him from the pc at home... she has all of the 8 hours at work to get her fix of this OM. Affairs are addictions. Sooner or later your WW if she hasn't already will give in to her addiction to OM at work.



Follow the advice given by the vets. Snoop, get more information and then expose as per NG's BH survival kit.

Good luck.

I was just getting ready to send the exact same message to you about the work situation. They can NOT be working together. It is like an alcoholic working in a bar and trying to stay sober....it will not work!!!

I am very sorry you are here as well but if you follow the advice on here from...especially from NG, your sanity and hopefully your marriage can be salvaged. No matter what happens, this site will guide you on what to and what NOT to do.


Me (WS) Husband (BS)
DS - 15
DD -10
My D-day - 11/12/11

Today Me (BS) H (WS)
D-Day #2 01/14/12
I don't want to just survive my affair, I want to recover from it!

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