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1924 Offline OP
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her mother is going to prison for one year for forgery related charges. I am wondering if I should take me 14 year old daughter to visit her but I am not sure if I want her to be in that kind of environment

it has nothing really to do with the mother. She made some stupid mistakes but it was out of character so I think she just got herself into a bad situation and make some poor decisions, She also never did anything bad at all before this. Also, her mother is showing regret and no defense at what she did so that is why I am still willing to stick by her. (though some might feel this is wrong since she committed a crime) And I am not defending her or saying she should not serve her punishment or anything either, it is really only the type of environment. Also, if I take her to visit she might think "mom went to jail, she has no right to tell me what to do anymore" .Which would just be a stressful thing. I even heard her express a kind of joy at her mother being locked up and having to take orders from other people. While that is understandable since she did commit a crime, since her mother has shown remorse for what she did and clearly still cares for her daughter, I think eventually it needs to be put behind us. If I do decide to take her what should I say to her beforehand?

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I say yes. Her mother is still her mother. Mom has expressed remorse over her crime, yes? This could be an important event in their relationship. I'm assuming Mom has a relationship with your daughter, correct?

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Also, if I take her to visit she might think "mom went to jail, she has no right to tell me what to do anymore" .
That's something that they're going to have to work out, regardless of whether or not you take your daughter to see her.

Not only would I suggest you take her to see her mother, I would encourage it. Your daughter will be watching you to see what you think. Show her kindness, compassion and importance of family. That will only be positive for you.


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I agree with the previous response. I would take her to visit. People make mistakes in life and there are consequences. This is actually a great learning opportunity for your daughter, especially if her mother is repentant.

I would talk with her mother (your wife, I assume?)about your desire to be open with your daughter so that she can gain wisdom from her mother's mistakes, before broaching the subject with your daughter. You two will need to be on the same page (policy of Joint Agreement). Decide how much of the details need to be shared about the crime, perhaps focus on a general description without sugar-coating the reality such as, "Mom made a mistake and she lied and cheated about some money and now she is paying the consequences of those choices." And then have your wife talk to her about what she's learned from her mistakes and what she hopes your daughter will learn from her mistakes.

Visit the prison beforehand so you can discuss with your daughter what to expect before she visits. Use this, too, as an object lesson. She should come out of the experience feeling compassionate towards the women who have made life choices that ended them there, and also with a strong resolve never to make those same choices herself or hang around with friends who make those choices. She should be able to feel grateful for everything she has in life, when contrasted with what others have. Above all, she should understand that all it takes is ONE stupid decision to send your life into chaos and she should emerge with a resolve to make wiser choices herself.

A young woman needs a strong relationship with her mother and father, especially as she enters the teen years. Her mother needs to express remorse and her choice to turn away from illegal behavior, and ask for forgiveness from you and also from your daughter. It will be very difficult for your family to be without their mother for so long, and the importance of you both extending forgiveness to your wife cannot be stressed enough to maintain healthy emotional and mental stress levels for you and your daughter. As long as your wife continues to be honest and repentant, regular contact with her mom is a good idea throughout her incarceration. Your wife should have a plan to use her time to better herself while she is there and share what she's learning with you both. This will model for your daughter how to avoid falling into the trap of self-pity and how to make the best out of bad situations that may strike her life in the future.

It is important that your daughter sees her parents working through a very tough situation. This will prepare her for tenacity and love "for better or for worse" in her own future marriage. I commend you on your commitment to honor your vows and love your wife through her poor choices. That is the mark of a grown up. As the saying goes, "The most important thing a father can do for his daughter is to love her mother."


"Behold, I am the Lord, the God of all flesh. Is there anything too hard for Me?" Jeremiah 32:27

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Originally Posted by 1924
her mother is going to prison for one year for forgery related charges. I am wondering if I should take me 14 year old daughter to visit her but I am not sure if I want her to be in that kind of environment


14 is old enough to make this work.

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it has nothing really to do with the mother. She made some stupid mistakes but it was out of character so I think she just got herself into a bad situation and make some poor decisions,

Please ..... do not try to sell this to your 14 year old.
ONE YEAR for forgery means it was more than a small "mistake".
That is a serious crime, and it is NOT a victimless crime either. Do not make any attempts to make your wife LESS guilty than the legal system found her to be.


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She also never did anything bad at all before this.

Highly UNlikely, unless your wife is mentally incompetent. Is she mentally incompetent? You just do not know what else she has done.


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Also, her mother is showing regret and no defense at what she did so that is why I am still willing to stick by her. (though some might feel this is wrong since she committed a crime)

Stick by her, or don't. It's your choice. Just do not paint her as a victim. She was criminally guilty. That's all you need to say about that.

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Also, if I take her to visit she might think "mom went to jail, she has no right to tell me what to do anymore" .

Quit trying to twist this thing up into an agonizing decision.
It is really simple.

Take your 14 year old unless she refuses to go.
Answer any/all questions with factual accuracy and without embellishments such as "She's not really a bad person."

Say this:
"I'm going to go visit mom in prison on (date). Do you want to come too? It will take about 2 hours. You might find it interesting and educational. I'm sure Mom would appreciate a visit. I will answer all your questions as they come up."

That's it. Simple. Factual. No beating around the bush.

If the 14 year old does not want to go, ask her to write Mom a note. Tell your 14 year old she may go next time if she changes her mind.

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1924, I wanted to tell you that YOUR attitude will show your 14 year old how to behave.
Be respectful of your wife.
Do not treat your wife as a victim.
Offer hope for a better life when she is released.
Pretty simple stuff.

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1924 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by Pepperband
Originally Posted by 1924
her mother is going to prison for one year for forgery related charges. I am wondering if I should take me 14 year old daughter to visit her but I am not sure if I want her to be in that kind of environment


14 is old enough to make this work.

Quote
it has nothing really to do with the mother. She made some stupid mistakes but it was out of character so I think she just got herself into a bad situation and make some poor decisions,

Please ..... do not try to sell this to your 14 year old.
ONE YEAR for forgery means it was more than a small "mistake".
That is a serious crime, and it is NOT a victimless crime either. Do not make any attempts to make your wife LESS guilty than the legal system found her to be.



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She also never did anything bad at all before this.

Highly UNlikely, unless your wife is mentally incompetent. Is she mentally incompetent? You just do not know what else she has done.


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Also, her mother is showing regret and no defense at what she did so that is why I am still willing to stick by her. (though some might feel this is wrong since she committed a crime)

Stick by her, or don't. It's your choice. Just do not paint her as a victim. She was criminally guilty. That's all you need to say about that.

Quote
Also, if I take her to visit she might think "mom went to jail, she has no right to tell me what to do anymore" .

Quit trying to twist this thing up into an agonizing decision.
It is really simple.

Take your 14 year old unless she refuses to go.
Answer any/all questions with factual accuracy and without embellishments such as "She's not really a bad person."

Say this:
"I'm going to go visit mom in prison on (date). Do you want to come too? It will take about 2 hours. You might find it interesting and educational. I'm sure Mom would appreciate a visit. I will answer all your questions as they come up."

That's it. Simple. Factual. No beating around the bush.

If the 14 year old does not want to go, ask her to write Mom a note. Tell your 14 year old she may go next time if she changes her mind.


Excuse me, I never said it was a "Small" mistake. I said it was a "Stupid mistake". And I believe one year is actually not as long as most of these kinds of sentences. Nobody is making excuses here, I just am willing to give my wife a chance since she never did anything like this before and it felt out of character. Imagine somebody that you know that never did anything criminal before and suddenly did

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Originally Posted by 1924
Excuse me, I never said it was a "Small" mistake. I said it was a "Stupid mistake". And I believe one year is actually not as long as most of these kinds of sentences. Nobody is making excuses here, I just am willing to give my wife a chance since she never did anything like this before and it felt out of character. Imagine somebody that you know that never did anything criminal before and suddenly did

Calm down.
I answered your question to the best of my ability.
Take what you want, and leave the rest.

I hope you are doing OK as a single parent. It must be tough.

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1924, are you currently married to your daughter's mother?


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1924 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by maritalbliss
1924, are you currently married to your daughter's mother?

Yes

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1924 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by Pepperband
Originally Posted by 1924
Excuse me, I never said it was a "Small" mistake. I said it was a "Stupid mistake". And I believe one year is actually not as long as most of these kinds of sentences. Nobody is making excuses here, I just am willing to give my wife a chance since she never did anything like this before and it felt out of character. Imagine somebody that you know that never did anything criminal before and suddenly did



Calm down.
I answered your question to the best of my ability.
Take what you want, and leave the rest.



I hope you are doing OK as a single parent. It must be tough.


sorry if I came across as harsh, but you make it sound as if I am telling my daughter that what her mother did was OK and acceptable. That is not the case. All I meant was her mother was not a chronic criminal and never did anything illegal before and I don't think it will ever happen again and I don't think she will be influencing my daughter to do crime or anything

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If you plan on remaining married you should also focus on having personal boundaries during her incarceration.

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Originally Posted by 1924
sorry if I came across as harsh

No worries.

So, what is your decision?

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The PAST can hurt.
LEARN from it !



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what would be some good things to talk about during the visit to make this a good experience?

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Originally Posted by 1924
what would be some good things to talk about during the visit to make this a good experience?

Well, I think when you are the lone guy and there will be two women participating in the conversation .... smirk ..... you just might have you topic of choice vetoed.

They may decide to talk about body hair, or make-up, or music.
The subject does not matter very much.
Your demeanor and your attitude are what really matter.

What attitude do you want to convey?
Calmness? Loving? Acceptance? Authority?

You decide your attitude. They will probably control what is talked about, not you! rotflmao

Are you a praying man? You may want to begin and end by holding hands and leading a short prayer.

Remember, your body language will convey much more about your attitude than your words.

Good luck! The first time will be awkward. You'll pick up the pace as you gain experience.


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