Here is the problem. This is not a matter of a marriage gone sour; this is a matter of having a worldview that is not conducive to marriage. Your wife has had numerous affairs, not because she fell into it, but because she is on the hunt for action.

Since she is a serial cheater, it will take a radical 180 degree change in her lifestyle. She is not likely to do this, since this *IS* her lifestyle. Waiting around in your case will only result in more affairs. Whereas, in other marriages, staying in a longer Plan A could achieve amazing results.

In other words, time will not make this better. Time will only bring you what it brought in the past: more affairs. She feels entitled to have affairs and doesn't believe she has done anything wrong.


That begs the question: are her "friends" saying there is something wrong with her affair?

Has she considered how she will support herself if you divorce? Have you had a reality check discussion with her? Where will she live? How will she pay the bills? Does she understand it is unlikely she will get primary custody since she cannot even support herself?

I would have that kind of discussion with her. I get the sense that she believes you will hang around and support her and take out the trash while she cats around for eternity.

All responses that I have received from her friends offer shock, sympathy for me for what she did, and the hope that we can work it out. Because of her walls, I think some friends know that they cannot tell her too much, otherwise she will shut them out. So for now they are just listening to her, and she is using that as signifying that they are agreeing with her. I'm sure there are other "friends" who have not helped.

Hopefully, she has a friend or two who care enough to tell her she is wrong, wrong, wrong for having an affair. Otherwise, they are not really "friends."

Any suggestions on how to do this conversation? Have her sit down for a calm analysis? Maybe she thinks she will win enough financial support in the divorce? Or maybe that is just my own fear. I will fight to keep the house and the majority of child custody if it comes to that.

I need to figure out how to get her receptive enough to have the conversation all the way through.

Yes. Someone needs to put that in her face. Unfortunately, if I do it, it is like love buster, love buster, love buster to her.

I think her family first need to step up, then some friends can follow. Her sister was telling me just today that she is prepared to do that when (and if) she flies out here. I have offered to pay for the flight.

Sit her down and say "we need to have a talk about what our future will look like because I am looking at legal options and want to know what you have in mind." I would then proceed to paint a very ugly picture of her future. Make these key points:

1. you will be keeping possession of the home and primary custody of the children since you are the only one employed

2. Ask her how she will support herself

3. ask her where she will live and how she plans on paying for it?

4. tell her that when you are divorced you will not be her "friend" but that you have looked into "parallel parenting" and won't be in contact with her ever. <-------this one will flip her out because she imagines you will be her "friend."

5. since she has had so many affairs you will have it put in your divorce papers that your children NEVER be exposed to her affair partners

See, most WW's fantasize about a fantasy divorce where the husband is eased out of the house and replaced with an OM. The poor BH continues to pay the bills, though. The children gladly accept their new "daddy." [in her fantasy]

You need to disabuse her of this notion. Killing this notion may make her more open to working on the marriage with you.

After you spell out that doomed scenario, I would follow up with a rosy picture of how it will be if she follows this program. On the other hand, you could have a happy, romantic, passionate marriage.

You need her help NOW. Your wife needs to hear from these people. Her sister needs to pick up the phone NOW and have a heart to heart discussion with her. This is not something that can wait. Will her family not help you at all?

Maybe make it real official by getting a baby sitter and telling her, "we need to have a serious discussion about our marriage tomorrow." Then line up a neighbor, relative to watch the kids for several hours.

Otherwise, you just look like you are waiting around for HER to make a decision. She needs to know that decisions are not going to be made by her, but YOU.

Melody, thanks laying it out so clearly. You are an amazing person. I will have a friend baby sit so I can have this talk with my WW.

I will also talk to her sister and niece and a close friend or two about stepping it up, not just listening and making gentle reminders and suggestions.

Good man!

I would have some legal looking things in hand if you can. For example, you can print up one of the parallel parenting articles from notable posts: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2566139#Post2566139. Also print up something about California divorce law if you can. The goal is to let her know you are very serious about this.

And I would be prepared to answer comments such as "I want to just live together for the sake of the kids" or "we can be "separated" until the kids are grown." "Separated" in foggy-ville means moving into the guest room and living a freeloaders life....on your dime!

Be prepared to have an answer to such comments. Perhaps you could say "but I would rather live alone than in a loveless, abusive marriage. I think that sends a horrible message to our children, don't you?"

Try to anticipate her every response and be ready for that with a response of your own.

Put these legal papers in a FOLDER.