Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 7 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Originally Posted By: Wow777
I get a knot in the pit of my stomach any time someone says they're going to lie... She will eventually find out the truth and blame you for hiding it from her. Then you'll be the bad guy and POSOM will be the good guy. Not a good position to be in IMHO.

I say, tell her now. It's her decision whether she develops a relationship with her Bio dad. Just make sure the boundaries are set so that she doesn't tell you anything about him.
Yes. This. Don't be that person who got in line to lie to her 'for her own (read: THEIR) good.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 517
R
RMX Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 517
The OC is mixed race, that's why anxiety is flaring up, I can get a tan, but I will never pass for a Latino, unless I'm from Mexico City D.F. FWW and I are white.


FBH 34 me,FWW 34,
DS 14, OC-D 12 (given up for adoption), DS-8, DD-5
D-Day#1 10-12-1998
D-Day#2 2-10-2008
Recovered!
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 517
R
RMX Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 517
I need to contact OCs mom and ask questions, and the OC isn't poor she's spoiled and cherished by her large loving family. She's been places like Disney world, that I'm sure my COM are going to be envious. She lost her father to adultery and then lost him to cancer.


FBH 34 me,FWW 34,
DS 14, OC-D 12 (given up for adoption), DS-8, DD-5
D-Day#1 10-12-1998
D-Day#2 2-10-2008
Recovered!
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 517
R
RMX Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 517
Not sure if her recent loss and the new stepdad are a factor in the timing.


FBH 34 me,FWW 34,
DS 14, OC-D 12 (given up for adoption), DS-8, DD-5
D-Day#1 10-12-1998
D-Day#2 2-10-2008
Recovered!
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,431
Likes: 7
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,431
Likes: 7
Originally Posted By: RMX
I need to contact OCs mom and ask questions, and the OC isn't poor she's spoiled and cherished by her large loving family. She's been places like Disney world, that I'm sure my COM are going to be envious. She lost her father to adultery and then lost him to cancer.

Do you mean her adoptive father?

How did she lose him to adultery, if so?

Do you mean her bio father? if so, how did she "lose" him? He didn't raise her. Some good man did - she had a father.

I'm very unsure about what you mean here.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Originally Posted By: Pepperband
In my house, the "REAL FATHER"and the "REAL MOTHER" are the ones who changed diapers, tended to boo-boos, disciplined, educated, comforted, etc etc etc. But, I admit a strong bias.
Pep, you're absolutely right. My parents never ceased being my parents when I found my biological parents. And they will always be my "Mom" and "Dad" (may they rest in peace frown )

There is an additional layer of family when an adopted kid finds their biological family. For better or worse, hopefully for better!

When I found my sibs online, we met at a halfway point in our state (they live about an hour and a half away from me). They were afraid that I was a toothless welfare recipient who was looking for money. I was afraid that THEY were toothless welfare recipients who would ask ME for money, LOL. We laugh about that now.

But there is nothing that my bio parents could do that could take anything away from my REAL parents, may they rest in peace.

What a fantastic journey it has been - my 'extra' family has been a joy.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964
RMX,

Given the losses in her life lately just tell her the full truth. On top of the obviousness of the lie that you are her bio-father.

God Bless
Gamma

Last edited by Gamma; 03/19/13 07:55 PM.
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 517
R
RMX Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 517
She was adopted by.a married couple, the adoptive father ran off with another woman, then he got cancer and died alone.


FBH 34 me,FWW 34,
DS 14, OC-D 12 (given up for adoption), DS-8, DD-5
D-Day#1 10-12-1998
D-Day#2 2-10-2008
Recovered!
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Originally Posted By: RMX
The OC is mixed race, that's why anxiety is flaring up, I can get a tan, but I will never pass for a Latino, unless I'm from Mexico City D.F. FWW and I are white.
And that's okay. You're not trying to pass as something you're not (unless you're planning on lying, which I've already posted about.) Please embrace this as a positive thing!


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 517
R
RMX Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 517
I will use adoptive father and.mother on here to prevent confusion on the board. I call the biodad POSOM


FBH 34 me,FWW 34,
DS 14, OC-D 12 (given up for adoption), DS-8, DD-5
D-Day#1 10-12-1998
D-Day#2 2-10-2008
Recovered!
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,431
Likes: 7
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,431
Likes: 7
Originally Posted By: RMX
She was adopted by.a married couple, the adoptive father ran off with another woman, then he got cancer and died alone.

I am sorry to hear that.

Are you saying that the child thinks or presumes that you are her bio father?

I'm very confused about why she is unaware of the fact that her bio father is someone else, and that is why she was adopted.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,431
Likes: 7
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,431
Likes: 7
"FBH 34 me,FWW 34,
DS 14, OC-D 12 (given up for adoption), DS-8, DD-5"

Are you saying that OC believes that you and your wife kept child no.1, DS 14, then had child no.2 - her - adopted - then had children numbers 3 and 4, which you kept?

That makes no sense. Surely she knows that you are not her bio father.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Originally Posted By: RMX
I need to contact OCs mom and ask questions, and the OC isn't poor she's spoiled and cherished by her large loving family. She's been places like Disney world, that I'm sure my COM are going to be envious. She lost her father to adultery and then lost him to cancer.
My call? Your COM will NOT be envious. They've had the stability of your marriage with their mom. OC hasn't had that. That isn't going to be lost on them (maybe you don't realize how important your marriage with their mom is to them? Money, trips to DisneyLand...none of that compares to a healthy, intact family), You're worrying about things needlessly, I think. I think you're speculating over possible issues that may never happen.

Let this play out, RMX. Don't worry about things that haven't happened yet.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,431
Likes: 7
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,431
Likes: 7
Originally Posted By: SugarCane
"FBH 34 me,FWW 34,
DS 14, OC-D 12 (given up for adoption), DS-8, DD-5"

Are you saying that OC believes that you and your wife kept child no.1, DS 14, then had child no.2 - her - adopted - then had children numbers 3 and 4, which you kept?

That makes no sense. Surely she knows that you are not her bio father.

Her mother surely wouldn't have lied to her or let her think you are her bio father. Additionally, she surely isn't planning to go through with a meeting knowing that the truth will come out, then or later. She must know that, if the issue of the child's origins are being explored now, then they must be explored truthfully. What is the point of helping the child to discover her origins, only to lie about them?

She wouldn't be open enough about the adoption to help her child find her bio mother as she is doing, and then delude her into thinking you are her bio father.

None of that makes any sense. I think you must be mistaken about what this child has been told.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 517
R
RMX Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 517
I have not spoken with OC.directly.on this subject, we will see what happens, I just emailed her and her mom, family pictures to her moms cell phone. She doesn't know what we look like, until tonight.


FBH 34 me,FWW 34,
DS 14, OC-D 12 (given up for adoption), DS-8, DD-5
D-Day#1 10-12-1998
D-Day#2 2-10-2008
Recovered!
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,780
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,780
I would not lie nor cooperate in others lying to this child. Eventually she will want to know why she was the child given up for adoption. She has the right to know the truth about her genetics.

Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Originally Posted By: RMX
I have not spoken with OC.directly.on this subject, we will see what happens, I just emailed her and her mom, family pictures to her moms cell phone. She doesn't know what we look like, until tonight.


Good luck.

PS to add:

There is no emergency crisis going on here.
Let things develop and evolve at a leisurely pace.
Do not create a crisis where none exists. If you think the OC is not developmentally or emotionally ready for a ton of information, withholding what you deem necessary seems like a good thing to me.
Develop a relationship before you flood the room with details OC may not be prepared to handle.

Having said that, it is my opinion that OC will ask questions when she is ready to hear the truth. Trust OC to ask the questions on her timeline.

Last edited by Pepperband; 03/20/13 10:22 AM.
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 11,539
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 11,539
Originally Posted By: SugarCane
Originally Posted By: Gamma
There is a real issue here in that you are not the OC bio father, and should OM die before his bio OC gets to see OM there may be a lifetime of resentment.

This is not RMX and his wife's problem to solve.


EXACTLY


Faith

me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
Does the OC know who her bio dad is?

Has OC had any contact with the bio dad?

There is no way to hide the truth. So just tell the truth. Remember once you lie to this OC you will have broken her blind trust that she has for you and WW/bio mom.

That trust will never be restored.

Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 11,539
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 11,539
Originally Posted By: RMX
Well ff, what would you say, my story is almost the same as every other ww with a OC. I want this to be a happy reunion. I want her to trust me.
I would defer to mom on this. Being honest enough if asked directly you have to tell her you are not her bio dad. As someone else pointed out, she MUST know that much? I meant it is not up to you and FWW to tell her WHO the bio dad is.


Faith

me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
Page 2 of 7 1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 16 guests, and 43 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mwid, Shepherd, alg, Pelican89, SRL
71,673 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,526
Posts2,322,551
Members71,673
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5