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Joined: Sep 2006
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I got a call from the adoptive mother of my OC (Daughter 14) and she wants to see us. She wanted to see us next week, but a trip like this requires a lot of planning and the kids are in school.

I got a picture of her and she is so beautiful, mostly looks like her mom and not much of POSOM.

I can't really write much else about how I feel, as I am all over the place. Anything I write here will probably not be applicable from one hour to the next for awhile.

I am so glad the POSOM didnt get my FWW to have a abortion.

Did I mention shes beautiful?

Will post more later.


FBH 34 me,FWW 34,
DS 14, OC-D 12 (given up for adoption), DS-8, DD-5
D-Day#1 10-12-1998
D-Day#2 2-10-2008
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Wow!

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RMX,

This had to happen, and this is a good age for it to happen, although any age is better than never, I didn't get to reunite until I was about 35.

God Bless
Gamma

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Poor child. I hope her life has been good.

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SA, I don't understand your post. Can you elaborate?

Thanks in advance


FBH 34 me,FWW 34,
DS 14, OC-D 12 (given up for adoption), DS-8, DD-5
D-Day#1 10-12-1998
D-Day#2 2-10-2008
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How nerve wracking! I hope you have a wonderful time getting to know each other smile


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OK, here is what I know so far.

We call the adoptive mother just mother, and I will refer to her as simply mother, we dont use the word "adoptive" in front. Just our preference, not knocking anyone who does it differently.

We've told the mother that we have a "no-contact" in place with the POSOM. We don't want to open the door to contact for any reason, he has been out of our lives for several years and we want to keep it that way.

We (FWW and I) have left it up to the her mom as to whether or not to tell OC/DD about her genetic father, and the mother is leaning towards
NOT telling her.

If OC isn't told about POSOM, I will struggle with being a liar, because when the question "Why did you give me up" is asked, the reasons will be different than what they actually are.

Vets... I have reservations about lieing to her, it feels wrong.

It just feels wrong to lie to someone that I have watched and grown attached to for so long.

Your comments (even negative) are appreciated.

Last edited by RMX; 03/19/13 11:50 AM.

FBH 34 me,FWW 34,
DS 14, OC-D 12 (given up for adoption), DS-8, DD-5
D-Day#1 10-12-1998
D-Day#2 2-10-2008
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I get a knot in the pit of my stomach any time someone says they're going to lie... She will eventually find out the truth and blame you for hiding it from her. Then you'll be the bad guy and POSOM will be the good guy. Not a good position to be in IMHO.

I say, tell her now. It's her decision whether she develops a relationship with her Bio dad. Just make sure the boundaries are set so that she doesn't tell you anything about him.


Me - BH 49 years old
Her - WW 43 years old
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The truth will come out.
My aunt and uncle didn't know the truths until medical conditions in their 40s required blood work.
Then they learned they had been lied to about their real father!

Harley's advice is to have no contact with the child though.

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In my house, the "REAL FATHER"and the "REAL MOTHER" are the ones who changed diapers, tended to boo-boos, disciplined, educated, comforted, etc etc etc. But, I admit a strong bias.

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Pep, we agree 100%


FBH 34 me,FWW 34,
DS 14, OC-D 12 (given up for adoption), DS-8, DD-5
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D-Day#2 2-10-2008
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RMX,

If OC isn't told about POSOM, I will struggle with being a liar, because when the question "Why did you give me up" is asked, the reasons will be different than what they actually are.

Vets... I have reservations about lieing to her, it feels wrong.


If there is a single lesson to MBs I think it would be DON'T LIE, if only that rule was followed most of the affairs couldn't have happened, your gut is correct.

There is a real issue here in that you are not the OC bio father, and should OM die before his bio OC gets to see OM there may be a lifetime of resentment.

I did not get to see my biological Mother because the communication was blocked and lies were maintained, it's bitter to have no contact except for a grave stone.

God Bless
Gamma

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It is up to her mom, not you and FWW to decide to tell her the truth. Until that time you need a response that is not a lie but leaves the decision up to the person who gets to decide what and when to tell the child.

Sending hugs as I know the emotions this must be stirring like a hurricane in you.


Faith

me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
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Well ff, what would you say, my story is almost the same as every other ww with a OC. I want this to be a happy reunion. I want her to trust me.


FBH 34 me,FWW 34,
DS 14, OC-D 12 (given up for adoption), DS-8, DD-5
D-Day#1 10-12-1998
D-Day#2 2-10-2008
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"Your mom thought it best that fww and I not mention posom"?


FBH 34 me,FWW 34,
DS 14, OC-D 12 (given up for adoption), DS-8, DD-5
D-Day#1 10-12-1998
D-Day#2 2-10-2008
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Originally Posted By: SmilingWoman
Poor child. I hope her life has been good.
Poor child? What is poor about this child?


D-Day 2-10-2009
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Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Originally Posted By: RMX
We (FWW and I) have left it up to the her mom as to whether or not to tell OC/DD about her genetic father, and the mother is leaning towards
NOT telling her.

Come on - she must have been told something already.

She knows that her bio mother gave her up for adoption. She has asked to see bio mother and you will be there too - so she knows that her bio mother is married. She must know that you (the married couple) have a son older than her and some younger children.

She must have asked about bio father before now. Why wouldn't her mother have told her that her bio parents had an affair and her bio mother gave her up for adoption? How has the mother managed to tell her about you, her bio mother and her husband, to the point of arranging this meeting, and yet not answered questions about who her bio father was, and what were the circumstances of her being born?

Surely the daughter is not going to ask you before she has ever asked her mother about him?

You need to tell her the same thing her mother tells her when she asks. Surely her mother doesn't lie to her?

Surely you've discussed this with her mother?


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Originally Posted By: Gamma
There is a real issue here in that you are not the OC bio father, and should OM die before his bio OC gets to see OM there may be a lifetime of resentment.

This is not RMX and his wife's problem to solve.


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Originally Posted By: RMX
We (FWW and I) have left it up to the her mom as to whether or not to tell OC/DD about her genetic father, and the mother is leaning towards
NOT telling her.

If OC isn't told about POSOM, I will struggle with being a liar, because when the question "Why did you give me up" is asked, the reasons will be different than what they actually are.

Vets... I have reservations about lieing to her, it feels wrong.

It just feels wrong to lie to someone that I have watched and grown attached to for so long.

Your comments (even negative) are appreciated.
RMX, do not begin this journey with a lie in your pocket. Tell the truth; for two reasons: it's the right thing to do, number one. Number two: OC may well eventually find out the truth on her own. THEN what? How do you explain your lie? Just tell the truth and sleep soundly at night.

I am adopted. I won't get into the whole thing unless you would like to hear my whole story, but I was not the product of an extramarital affair. However, speaking as an adopted child from whom some of the truth of my reality was hidden: please, PLEASE tell her the truth. She is desperate to know who she is and the terms of her genesis.

Please tell her the truth.


D-Day 2-10-2009
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Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Originally Posted By: faithful follower
It is up to her mom, not you and FWW to decide to tell her the truth. Until that time you need a response that is not a lie but leaves the decision up to the person who gets to decide what and when to tell the child.

Sending hugs as I know the emotions this must be stirring like a hurricane in you.
??? I totally disagree. Completely. Totally.

Did I say totally?

faint


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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