Downout,

One further point, what most people expect is that the betrayed spouse keeps quiet, never asks questions and then suffers in silence for the rest of their marriage, because that is what "everyone" does.

You've taken a brave step in rejecting this reverse punishment where only the betrayed spouse pays the price.

Did your MIL cheat or is she in an affair based marriage?

God Bless
Gamma

It IS scary to be brave.

Exposing takes bravery because you can bet that you will hear things turned back on you.

Things can get down right frightingly nasty when the cruel truth is exposed and the wayward scrambles to justify their cruelty and selfishness. Nasty is to be expected.

Be brave anyway and do not feed the negativity by engaging in discussions about whether exposing was right or wrong.

(It was right, btw).

Just hold your head up high as some people chastise you for being brave and true and accept any help that may be offered from people who 'get it'. If no one seems to be wanting to help.....guess what?........it still was something that needed to be done to take control of the mess. Brave.

And lastly, dno, what exactly do you think you have put at risk by exposing? WW's (and MIL's) respect and affection? Dude, that ship sailed a looooong time ago. It may (admittedly a long shot) be possible to restore those elements to your relationship, but bending over, grabbing your ankles and screaming, "Please, Ma'am, may I have another?" is unlikely to be the vehicle to bring that about!

Now, enough hand-wringing, okay? Are you familiar with "The Joys of Exposure Pt II - The Workplace"?

yes MIL was cheated on

Did you send this to your MIL?

I guess the next questions is now what?

I know I kind of jumped in here all of a sudden, without providing much details. Wife has filed for divorce. I had the pleasure of being served in front of my kids. When she moved out I had a marriage separation agreement drafted to protect myself financially and secure my time with my kids. She signed it. I signed it. I told her after signing that I had no intention of filing for divorce, ever, that I would remain committed to her, as a husband and willing to work on our marriage. The following week she filed. Now it�s just a matter of time. 60 days from February 28th it becomes final.

Went to a divorce support group tonight, which was tuff. People 5-7-9 years after divorce and still feeling the pain. Sorry to say this, as I believe myself to be a very strong person, but I can�t see myself going down that road for years to come. I am barley making day to day.

Worst part of it all, I still love her. Truly care about her. I know your all trying to encourage me, but just really torn about hurting her like this. Such a rollercoaster of emotions. So very tired of it all.

Just take it one day at a time downnout. You ARE on a rollercoaster of emotions. Don't look that far down the road. You have found some wonderful help here. Just breathe deep, and start taking care of yourself. I know you have read around here that you can only control yourself. So, keep cleaning up your side of the street, working on changing habits and ruts into more positive habits and behaviors. You will be better for it no matter what happens with your WW.

I am glad you did the exposure!! No wayward spouse EVER likes it, but it is a crucial move on your part in efforts to save your marriage. You can't ever recover a marriage while they are in an affair, so you have done the right thing. I know it doesn't feel like it, but you have kept it all so secret all of these years thinking you were protecting her. What you were doing was enabling her at YOUR OWN expense. Never, EVER do that again!!!

Sorry to say this, as I believe myself to be a very strong person, but I can�t see myself going down that road for years to come.

I do not like the implication here, amigo, and if you are suggesting what I infer, you need to man up right now.

Your children are going to need a strong father, more if this does go all the way to dissolution than they did when your family was together. You must be there to protect them from the predictable foolish choices WW will make in the future - including the likely succession of "beaus" in her pursuit of her fantasy man.

This is one of the secondary benefits of exposure. It establishes "fault" in the eyes of any/all objective observers, for all time. Those observers will include your kids. To them it will not be, "Mommy and Daddy got divorced because they couldn't get along." It will be, "Mommy and Daddy got divorced because Mommy committed adultery with the first of her many subsequent boyfriends."

Your strong, moral presence will be the proof of that statement.

NeverGuessed,
Your 100% correct, man up! Today is a new day.

After being well rested, which hasn�t happened in months, I would just like to make a few personal notes about my feelings this morning.

1. I take no pleasure in exposing WW, I know her heart is probably in turmoil right now. But I need to realize that it was her actions, reuniting with a former lover that led to this, I just put the truth out there for once.

2. I also have zero desire for my children (7,5 and 2) to ever think of their mother as an adulterer.

3. MIL�s e-mail means nothing. I expected to be put on the firing line, but was being hopeful for some sort of support from WW side of the ring. It is ironic how she decides to comment, now, on the subject. I texted MIL and even called her about what was going on in our marriage over the last 6 months. Once about WW not coming come till 130am, how she admitted to going out dancing with other men and wore it like a badge of honor, NO REPLY. Another text, where I stated that I was concerned about her multiple late nights out, while I stayed home with our children, NO REPLY. Another text to MIL when I confronted WW and OM in a wallgreens parking lot, I let MIL know how she didn�t come home that night, but after confronting them both (nothing happened between me and OM, he sat in his truck the whole time) thought it would be best for MIL to know that I had no idea where she was, and hopefully she�s ok, NO REPLY. A phone call to MIL when I took my kids to dinner and bumped into them at a local restaurant, luckily the kids didn�t see. I asked MIL how can I continue to practice unconditional love when she�s pursing this relationship again, why is WW doing this, MIL reply; it is what it is, you need to accept that this marriage is over and be the best dad you can be. And by the way, MIL never once praised me for protecting WW from any and all fallout after the first admitted affair.

4. I don�t know that I even want her back� it was too emotionally painful working through the first affair. Every day that goes by, the more I can�t stand what she�s doing/done. But God, not I, will be the ultimate decider if we should become a family unit again. I am going to continue to seek His will for this family, and pray that He makes it known to me, in His timing.

5. I have to see WW today� a day after exposure, ughh�. I coach both my sons� baseball teams and she will be there. Sure daggers will be flying in my direction for those 4 hours. Hopefully she just drops them off so I can concentrate on the task at hand.

Have you told your 2 older sons about their mothers affair? If not, I would tell them today in very clear terms. If you don't, she will be free to lie to them and they will be introduced to her OM.

Another thing that concerns me is that the children are being pulled from their own home to accommodate her affair. Is there a court order that commands this horrible custody arrangement?

Do you live in a state where adultery is taken into consideration? Even in many no fault states, it is a factor when deciding custody.

p.s. if you haven't filed for divorce, I would do that pronto in order to protect yourself legally. I would file on grounds of adultery, if you can, and go for primary custody of your kids since she is an unfit parent. I would have it put in your custody agreement that your children not be exposed to her adultery partner.

You don't want your kids to think of mom as an adulterer but they are thinking all kinds of things about you two being separate most of the time.

You can simply state "Mom and I are struggling in our marriage. Mom is dating other men and married women should not date anyone but their husband."

Facts for kids to have to deal with the horrors going on around them in their family.

They will know why you are often sad and not wonder what the heck is going on with the two most important people on the planet.

A positive FB reply from WW family member:

WW family memeber - Wow BS I'm really sorry to hear this has been going on. I had no clue. Of course it's not like WW and I are that close anymore. I'm sorry your family is going through this. I don't even know what to say. I've only heard one side and now I've heard yours. You guys will stay in my prayers. I hope everything works out.

BS - thank you, please keep praying for us and our children.

WW family member - U guys r always in our prayers. Thanks for sharing how u feel it�s got be hard to tell everyone. But u r doing the right thing and I hope WS realizes what u guys have as a family.

BS - thanks for understanding... I didn�t want to do this, but there is too much at stake this time.

WW family memebr - I understand completely

nice!

That is where I draw the line, telling my kids. One just turned 7 the other 5 a few months ago. They would have zero comprehension of whats happening. Doing that to them is NOT right. Someone has to agree with my discretion on this� if the kids are ever told, it will be in the company of a trusted professional or spiritual leader, with their father present.

You are making a huge mistake that most professionals would never condone. Giving children false explanations about the source of the breakup of their family just teaches them to be dishonest. It causes mass confusion and leaves them vulnerable to your wife's lies. I assure you that your wife will lie to them about why their family is being torn apart.

Dr Harley is a licensed clinical psychologist with 40 years of experience specializing in infidelity. He is the founder of Marriage Builders and here are some of his published quotes:

here



here

here

Down,

**edit**

By the way, your marriage, as you knew it, is over. If you rebuild/recover, it will be a different one. You did nothing wrong.

Now get busy on the next steps. Make sure d-bag is exposed, nuclear style. His family, friends, coworkers should know that he cannot be trusted with anyone's most prized possessions (their family). You did great with the first round of exposure.

You HURT your kids by lying to them about your wife's affair. They probably sense what is really happening here and when you don't validate their instincts, you cause them to be confused and teach them to doubt their instincts. They need the truth and they need moral guidance from the ONE parent they have. To not tell them and give them moral guidance is a dereliction of duty. I would strongly suggest you reconsider that stance, for their sake.

If you don't give them moral guidance, I assure you that your wife will give them IMMORAL guidance. Your silence leaves them vulnerable to her corruption.

A reminder to posters to help the OP with Marriage Builders solutions. The purpose of this forum is to help posters with MB, not to share personal philosophies. Thank you.

down, ask yourself this: why is it ok for your wife to tell them lies but not ok for you to tell them the truth? Does that make any sense?