Your situation is extraordinary and different than any other that I've read about on MB. I am so sorry that your are hurting so much.

What I have learned in the couple of months that I have been here is that anything your WS says is complete B.S. When he talks, then only sound that you should hear is the wha wha wha from charlie brown. Abosolutely nothing he says should carry ANY weight with you. Consider everything a lie and only for the purpose of his own selfish protection. Period.

The scars on your life (and your kids) need to be healed. Please focus on that and kick him (and MIL) to the curb. Take control of your life and healing. It may take you years to heal and trust even yourself again. Get started on that healing now.

I just had to pipe in to say

it is not so different to what other people have dealt with. I have read about it elsewhere (mothers cheating with son in laws), affairs that are many years.

Don't despair at the thought it is so different. It is just a more complex betrayal than many. More layers to give you emotional challenge.

Writing Dr. Harley at the radio show email might help you focus on steps you need to take to move into your future.

Did you tell the kids?
WH does not need to be there.

How many kids do you have?
What are their ages?

I was just curious.
She said the affair was 10 years ago and lasted about 4 years. She said they were 2 and 6 mos. at the time. She then says she has a 17 and 18 year old.

I'm not super good at math or anything, but that didn't make sense.

Good catch, Carka.

Just wanted to add, its not a 'hot button issue'

Its not his issue at all. Its your decision whether or not to be truthful with your children. Before they find out on their own.

Your H decided YEARS ago he was never going to tell anyone! Why would any man sick enough to screw his MIL share that with the world?

You only develop those sort of habits in a dark, deep secretive place with every window nailed shut. And he does NOT plan on coming outside to face the shocked faces in the sunshine.,

He is still living in a dark den of iniquity.

But IT'S NO SURPRISE. The real surprise is that you're squatting in there with him, hiding it too as though you have something to be ashamed of.

Stop asking your dishonest husband to be honest. Its foolish.

Just do the honesty yourself.

Right. He is not going to become honest without a major life change. Dishonesty has previously worked for him so well.

I know you haven't been back in a bit, and not sure you will be back. For anyone else following along.

Radio Clip on an Affair with a Family Member

How are you doing?

Thanks for asking. I was a little hesitant to come back and post anything else. I saw someone question the ages of my kids vs. my first post and didn't want to split hairs over something so silly. But, just to clarify, it was 13 years ago when the A ended, if that helps.

The A has long been over, so telling the kids was something I consulted with my therapist over, along with trusted family members, including my father (who I did tell - while hearing the truth did help explain some things that he could never quite figure out when he and my mom divorced, he told me he's been done with that part of his life for so long, he'd rather have not known and requested that no one else on his side of the family be told).

My daughter has a close relationship with my mom, along with my son. They have grown up with her, and to them, she is a good person, treats them well, and loves them dearly. I know this goes against EVERYTHING everyone has said thus far, and I fear that my decision will anger those who have been offering advice, but I have decided not to tell the kids at this time. My mother lives 400 miles away - we see her maybe 1 -2 times per year. I have no intention of letting her be a part of my life, i.e. communicating with her, visiting her, etc. As far as the kids go, again - we see her so rarely that at this point, not one thing is going to be noticeably different.

Since I posted last.....I will be filing for a legal separation. There is too much history, let alone the A, to salvage the marriage. Many of you are correct in that H has not yet humbled himself in a way that lets me know that he truly comprehends the destruction he has caused. In the meantime, he has made some questionable contacts with a couple of our mutual single girl friends - all innocent according to them all, but, whatever. I am done.

As far as how I'm doing.....I have my good days, and bad days. I have printed off many of the posts with the good advice that has been given - especially the post regarding "walls and doors", and that has helped me tremendously. Each day presents an opportunity for me to begin to find me again, discard some really old, bad habits, replace them with some new, healthier ones and just walk the path I am on.

And in regards to my post "If I knew then, what I know now".....I look back to when I was 16, and the first night this man walked into my life. He was having a fight with his girl friend, and came to me for advice. One thing lead to another and within a week, he had cheated on her with me, which then led to him breaking up with her - we have been together ever since. Since then, I have read many times....once a cheater, always a cheater. I just refused to believe the man I married was that man. But, he was. As soon as he doesn't have the full attention of the woman who has his heart, he turns to any woman within his proximity for affirmation and approval. And, he has done it already since the truth came out about the A. It saddens me that it's taken this long and this nasty of a situation for me to figure that out, but I have. Now, I can begin to rebuild my life.

Itsnosurprise,

Can't add anything except to say without complete and total remorse I would divorce too. It's difficult to comprehend what you are going through, hope you find some relief.

God Bless
Gamma

Contrary to the empty-headed teeny-girl mindset that dominates modern American culture......a sixteen year-old boy dumping his girlfriend for a more attractive alternative is not "cheating" as we use the term here. It's what dating is supposed to be about - trying on a new "mate" as one does a pair of shoes, looking for a good fit!

So stop the self-flagellation, okay? If that was the extent of WH's variable affections before boinking you Mom, you had no legitimate warning of what was coming.

And you are deluding yourself about the children. Just so you know you're NOT deluding us.

You will not hurt them with the truth. You are avoiding the issue because you have not the courage to do something difficult. That is yet another unfortunate trait of modern American culture, so, again, do not beat yourself up about it.

One thing about kids is, they will always wonder if they were the cause of the breakup if they are not told the truth. No matter how many times you say, "It's not your fault", they will wonder unless they actually know the truth. Protecting them from changing their relationship with your mom will hurt their relationship with you. It's one or the other... really. I personally would rather they have a good relationship with me and know the truth.

I totally get what you're saying. But, my kids have grown up in this household, have witnessed how big of a jerk their dad can be, have suffered from his outbursts and irrational behavior.....this split is not a surprise for either of them. Both of them want me to be happy, and my relationship with them has not changed. While their father's current behavior is confusing to them, I.e. attending church, being overly accommodating, etc., he also has reassured them that this split is 100% his fault. While it does leave questions for them, such as "why now?", they are not questioning the why.

I still maintain that the kids are better off knowing the truth. In the end, they may ask why didn't you fight just a little more. If not openly, they may think it. You could be saving them a lot of turmoil in the future if you just tell them.

I concur with JC. You should tell them as a parent. Openness and honesty is missing in many relationships today. My parents divorced and for years I thought I was the reason until I stumbled on court papers as a teenager showing my mom cheated on my dad. From there I had zero respect for both of them. Because my dad should of fought more for his marriage and my mom for being a WW. In mud eyes they were both and still at fault for different reasons. I am 31 and jus come to terms with it. I found out at 15, spare your adult children this turmoil and tell them the truth from your own mouth. As parents we forget how we are role models for our children and "protect them" from the world. Tell me when your WH and mom "protected" you from the pain of their affair. Did you appreciate it?

Excellent point, TD.