I will be doing my due diligence, is what I meant by not continually bringing it up to him.
Every time I have, I've gotten the same response.
I will continue to look into it further. *Me* Without constantly making him repeat himself.

The other information I brought up is because I know this type of thing happens and I don't yet have any solid proof that it didn't happen in my situation. No proof that it did either.

I do not consider seeking the truth from him lb'ing. But I'm sure he might consider the way I've been harping on him a lb.
I would like to go about things different this time.

that's what makes me think that, combined with the recent visit to the bday party where POSOWSIL was present.

re the bank fiasco - small amounts were withdrawn so you wouldn't think to notice/question the withdrawals.

was it only because the account became overdrawn that you paid attention to them?

it is not uncommon for a WS to use bank cards/credit cards that the BS opens/pays to conduct their a. i have seen this firsthand in my non-MB life, and i'm pretty sure most of the MB posters have, too, unfortunately.

carka, if your gut is screaming, you've got to listen to it. i know it hurts, but once you start being proactive, it will help with how you're feeling.

See, this is why I think I'm going stop posting for a while.
Since d day my h and I have done all the things we're supposed to do.
He cut *ALL* contact with her. No more family get together's where he or she is there. He became an open book. Does all that I ask.
We exposed the affair to friends, family, boss, etc. We spent tons of ua time together. But we didn't follow mb standards?

Because *I* decided that if I'm invited into my bother's house when I picked up my nephew or dropped off my son....I would go in. I'm sick of sitting in my car or hiding away in the shadows just because she *might* have been in there.
I do not socialize with her. We don't have coffee. I do not chat with her on the phone. Now we live in different states.

Admittedly, I have made some mistakes in this area. There are some learning curves in situations like this, I'm sure.
Why don't those of you who did things exactly by the book from the beginning step in here.

From all the snooping and checking I have done and have continued to do, my h has had 0 contact since the day after d day.

But, I absolutely went to my brother's 40th bday party where my other family members were. If there are other family events...I and I alone will be attending. I give two flying s*#ts if she will be there.
What you all haven't seen is the sadness I felt in the year where I cut contact with my bro and nephew. That kept me triggered as well. A constant reminder that my family was damaged. If I have to walk by her to see them, then so be it.

Dr. Harley himself has come on to a recent thread and gave advice that you all would say was contradicting. Because, he knows very well, after years of helping people, that every situation is not going to be handled exactly the same.

The last concern I came here with was met with condescending remarks. I have been doing my due diligence to figure out the situation. But because I don't jump on the "Guilty" bandwagon immediately but rather, garner as much info as I can, I'm met with snark. My h has done nothing but support me since d day. Outside of this bank situation, has done nothing to warrant suspicions.
I'm sure certain people don't read or post on my thread because I don't take *some* of the advice as absolute gold.
I'm choosing to look at other possible scenarios *as well* This must mean I'm choosing to not want to know... Really?

I feel like some of my posts have been glossed over.

This has been glossed over.

The three done back to back were done just minutes apart. That is suspect of thieves IMO.
I will be taking this up with the bank again.

Carka, I'm not going to get snarky with you because I can see you are frustrated.

All I'm going to say is this.

I am not an MB success story, my H and I have not followed the program to perfection (related, of course). I don't know it all, but there is one thing through my experience that I DO know and I will never ever again in the history of time ignore.

TRUST YOUR GUT.

How many BS's know that something is 'off' long before they have the proof? How many try to dismiss that gut instinct with every rational explanation known to mankind. But the gut instinct doesn't go away, because it is not about rational or logical.

Animals have a gut instinct to warn them of threats. Why would we believe PEOPLE, the supposedly superior being, do not? We do. We are just so intellegent and sophisticated we have learned how to talk ourselves out of listening to our instincts!

You are asking this question about this evening that happened in September for one reason. Because your gut instinct is telling you somethin ain't right. You know it, I know it. Doesn't matter what great explanation or plausible deniability your seemingly newly trustworthy spouse comes up with, or what theory the bank comes up with. You know something ain't right, that you don't have the full truth.

Trust your gut Carka.

May I suggest, if you can't actually pay for a poly, faking it? Arranging for one and telling your H that you do not feel comfortable with his explanation of that night, and therefore have arranged a poly for him to prove to you that he was not involved in anything suspicious? Tell him it's not fair to him for you to continue questioning his actions if they were trustworthy, so this is just an opportunity for him to help you get closure to this and prove to you that he has been honest.

And see what happens. I would say most people get at least some of the truth in that 'OMG she's making me take a poly' phase BEFORE the poly. At least you will be able to wage his reaction, at the least.

Do you think you remain triggered from talking to your brother and going to see him?

Also if you really think his card was stolen, then take him on his offer for him to report it to the police.

Is he as concerned as you are that there are unexplained charges that was completed with his card?

Here's the thing about triggers. I think at this point, my biggest trigger is the fact that my mental and physical health has taken a nosedive. It's nosedived due to the fact that I had to go on an antidepressant because of the pain I was experiencing post d day. It's a trigger because it's a daily reminder that the reason I feel so bad is because I had a crappy reaction to the med.
I'm reminded everyday of the affair regardless of who I see or don't see.
I've been fighting to get better since 2009, in one way or another and I'm tired.

Also, one of the last times I brought it up with h he was on the verge of tears because he knows it looks bad but says he is being honest with me.
He was as concerned about the charges as I was initially.

carka, i am sorry you feel that we are not responsive to your needs. several people have responded to your posts, and your thread has been pretty active for recovery.

we ALL struggle with implementing MB, and i'm pretty sure we all struggle with long-term implementation, because as people, we all simply fall into routine, get busy, try to do what's easiest. ALL of us.

i thought your initial question was along the lines of "why am i still triggered after all this time?" if you believe you know what is triggering you, then the next step is dealing with the triggers. remember, MB is about plans and action, more than just commiseration. that's why it's such a great place to be!

there are several threads here that help with replacing memories, changing thinking, etc, that can help you deal with triggers.

but...it is very possible that you are really being triggered because you have a suspicion weighing on your mind. the bank card problem. it's been several months, but it's still bugging you. if it's bugging you, you should definitely not ignore it.

if you feel we aren't answering your question, maybe you could ask it again more simply? less around the edges stuff, just straight to the point. perhaps we just aren't getting it.

Hello Carka,

I am so sorry for your pain.

It is obvious you are in so much pain right now both emotionally from the money withdrawals and physically from your illness.

I will share with you my feelings about your situation.

Number one thing for you to remember is to handle all situations that come up in a matter of fact way.

Limit your emotional reactions.

If your FWH says he did not make those withdrawals it is theft.

Plain and simple.

File a police report.

If he files it and KNOWS it is a lie he knows he will be charged with making a false police report.

Go with him to file it and SEE him do it.

Matter of fact.

NO EMOTION.

Secondly the no contact rule is absolutely HORRIBLE for affairs with family members.

It rips your guts out every time there is a get together.

My Marine son just got married.

We went and there was a huge blowup between my W and the bride's mother...

Because she invited my ex-brother and his W AFTER she told us he would not be invited!!!

How's that for one in the chops!!!

My father was near death a few months ago in ICU and needed surgery.

I knew my ex-brother would be there but I also knew I would not let my father die without me being there.

I went.

Matter of fact.

No emotion.

You can do this.

Have him file a police report.

If he does it happily and is showing you every day that he wants a great M with you and supports you I think you have a winner.

If he doesn't you have to look at that too.

Matter of fact.

No emotion.

Trust but verify.



God bless.

Jim

Thank you Jim!