Originally Posted By: Dr Harley
My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent
here


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

ML,I read your response on another thread and I have a question. My wife gave me a NC letter to look over last week which was written using the above as a template. This was a surprise because she and OM last spoke on the phone the morning after I confronted her with my suspicions and very little evidence on 1/9/12. The last contact was 2/9/12 via text message to OM telling him to not respond to any email or text as it would be me and not her.

The last phone call apparently consisted of the jig is up, him telling her what lies to tell me, they may not be able to talk again and that they loved each other. I really never considered the NC letter because of how things went down and the time that's passed . Is this something that she should do? Thanks for any advise.

I don't understand the question? Did your WW write a NC letter to her POSOM using the template, let you review it and you both went to the post office to mail it off together? Or all she did was send that silly email? If there was no NC letter done then suspect ongoing contact. That might explain her behavior, do you have snooping in place? Is she O & H?

Please don't give up on us. Whether it seems so or not, I believe you guys have helped in so many ways since we began posting. After rereading many posts on Trueform's thread and my own it seems so painfully obvious that O&H and communication in general has been pathetic, to put it kindly.

I have no one else to turn to. When you guys question Tf on either the facts or how they are conveyed, at least somebody not me is getting frustrated trying to decipher what is being said. Even when being truthful every sentence seems to leave wiggle-room.

Because of all of your input Tf is beginning to see this as a her problem not a LftS problem (subtle form of gas-lighting). Thank you again.

Please don't give up on us...you guys have helped in so many ways...I have no one else to turn to...at least somebody not me is getting frustrated...

No worries, mate! Even for us Noo Yawkers, this is not our first rodeo.

That said, it will be vital that she not convince you that we're being...unreasonable, mean, whatever...and she should withdraw. (She has not yet shown too much of that, which she gets credit for.)

Have you aver asked for a timeline, starting waaaaay back, and ending today? Having everything written (and editable) might help you (and us) keep track.

When a person has had a SSL for so long, lying and lack of O&H just basically becomes a very bad habit that is difficult to break. Moreso for some (as you have unfortunately learned through multiple d-days).

Have you read through the O&H articles? There are tips in there to help your W (like filling out the personal questionnaire and going through it with you, etc) It is going to take time and it's also important that you basically remain calm and don't commit lovebusters while she is still learning to become O&H. Leave the room/house if you must.

Hang in there...

The recent revelations are things not involving her AP, but others before we were married. Keeping these things secret is one of the things that helped make it easier for her to deceive me. They also would have weighed in my decision to marry her...

When a pe After reading LB I also see how I often made it difficult for her to be honest with me. This is something I have been working very hard to overcome.

In my book, His Needs, Her Needs (chapter 7), I write about three kinds of liars: 1) born liars, 2) avoid trouble liars and 3) protector liars. From what you've said about her, she sounds like the avoid trouble liar. These people do things that they know are unacceptable, then when confronted they lie to avoid getting into trouble. Here are some of the points I make in this chapter:

The born liar is different than the avoid trouble liar in that he doesn't seem to know the difference between truth and fiction, and makes things up for no apparent reason or purpose. An avoid trouble liar, on the other hand, is very much aware of the truth and only lies to avoid getting into trouble.
The "avoid trouble" liar is used to getting their way. They usually have a long history of agreeing to anything and then doing what they please. When confronted with their lie, they promise they will never do it again, another lie, of course. They are usually very cheerful people because they are living a life that suits them just fine. If people would just stop telling them what to do, they think there would be no need for dishonesty. What they think makes them dishonest, is people trying to change them. They don't think it's right, so they tell people whatever they want to hear just to get them off their backs.
The way to help an "avoid trouble" liar learn to be truthful is to focus attention on honesty and ignore everything else for a while. I encourage such people to tell the truth in return for their spouses not telling them what to do. In other words, minimize the consequences of the acts that they are afraid will get them into trouble. Instead of trying to punish your wife for going back on her promises, I would put more emphasis on safe and pleasant negotiation, where she is free to explain what she wants to do, and give you a chance to offer alternatives that are genuinely attractive to her.

What happens now is that she feels she is "made" to agree with you. You have told her that unless she does this or that, you will leave her. Even in the beginning, you explained that unless she stopped smoking, you would not even date her. She has learned to agree with anything and then do what she pleases to avoid a fight or being abandoned. But what if there were no fight? What if you wouldn't leave her? I recommend that you try to stop fighting with her, and you stop threatening to leave her. When she tells you she smokes, tell her you would appreciate it if she didn't, and offer her incentives to stop. But I wouldn't use threats.

Infidelity is quite another matter, of course, but I think she has gone a long way just to have told you about it. I don't think she wants to make a habit of cheating on you, but she doesn't want you to threaten to kick her out either. I may sound naive on this point, but I would try to create a non-threatening environment for her first, and then see if she cheats on you.

Honesty and Openness #2

It appears that she manipulated you into marrying her by withholding critical information about herself. She hasn't been deceiving you from the beginning of your relationship because you "made it difficult for her to be honest."

She has been lying to us on this message board since her very first post, and she is still posting deceptive comments to us. We are not responsible for her lies, just as you are not responsible for her lies; she is responsible for her lies.

She tries to paint herself as a fearful, innocent victim--and you as the aggressor--in order to excuse her lies. That is utter nonsense. She doesn't lie because she is afraid of you (or us); she lies because it enables her to manipulate you (and us).

Withholding information before we were married may seem OK to some folks but it is a very big deal for me. I asked some of these things straight up and was lied to. I should have been honestly answered when I asked about her previous boyfriend (a very friendly acquaintance of mine), instead of hearing the truth months after marriage. These type of things are disrespectful to me, as I should have been given the opportunity to sort things out before we took vows.

LAteforthesky, I feel exactly as you do about this issue. My husband lied to me about so many things before we got married. The entire time we were dating and engaged, he was carrying on relationships with other women on the internet. I always sensed something was very wrong but I was in such a state of shock in that point in my life, that I ignored it. I very much did feel I was defrauded into marrying someone I would not have married if I had all the facts.

I want to tell you, though, that I no longer have that resentment because all that resentment has been replaced with a romantic, happy, passionate marriage. I look at my husband and thank GOD every day he is mine. He has made my life so happy and complete.

My point is that you CAN overcome this resentment if you will follow this program. I am concerned that you and your wife seem so stuck on her affairs and her lies. There has to come a time where you stop talking about it and start working this program.