Agreed, I'd like to see more of what YOU are doing right and less about what BH is doing wrong.

we can only help YOU and You can only work on you.

Loud and clear. Thank you all for your support. I really think this program is helping me.

Actions-
Give him the mandolin,keeping it is petty on your part

Report the sumbag OM to his department and all higher ups, more than likely you are not the only one. DO IT NOW, and be thorough

Support your husband in the stupid assault case, (he should have controlled himself). The OM has a lot of gall to seek legal help considering HE assaulted your family.

I assure you that it is. It doesn't always feel like it, but if you follow it, you WILL be better. Take care of yourself and your kids.

He is picking up the mandolin today.

I called the department of ethics at work and we will begin the process next week against OM.

SD,

I have had a busy couple of days and was just able to catch up. Your getting amazing advice! My question is, have you gotten the book yet? Have you started reading it?

HI FY,

Glad you are back!

I did get the book and I am reading it. It's interesting. What's so hard for me to understand is why some BS are able to get past it and others are not. The example in the book is such an extreme one. I don't mean to minimize my situation-- it's just so shocking to me that deceit and indecision for that long is forgivable in some while I had sex one time and it was unforgivable. Again, not trying to minimize what I did. I'm just in awe of the outcomes of these situations.

Feeling good about my progress and doing a lot for myself now to take care of me. Reading and journaling really helps.

Meanwhile, yesterday H had something come up and couldn't pick up our DD. So I told him it was no problem to switch days with me. He told me thank you. It's small but I haven't heard thank you from him in a LONG time. I am taking Mr W's advise and being a good friend.

Also, my DD is having a really hard time with the D. She is in therapy and I am spending a lot more time with her. I just feel awful for her. Her T is great though and I think she is going to be ok in time. I am hoping to be a better mom through this process, too.

SD, you seem to be learning a fast pace. Now you see firsthand how your deception leads to the emotional destruction of people you hold dear not just your BH. Begin your transformation to a better mom and a better wife no matter what your BH/WH does. Either way you will find strength and dignity you were lacking in the past. I wish you the best in your attempts to sway your BH/WH to your mind state. I hope your daughter is well. Keep your faith and control YOUR actions because those are the only things you have power over. It's always refreshing to see a WS turn on the flashlight and wander out of the fog. As for POSOM male to the wall do not hold back. Do it because it is the right thing to do and to prevent him for doing this to another family. Please do not misinterpret my previous statement as absolution for your sin. You are just as guilty but the difference is you have a chance to repent. As he continues his sinful behavior. We all mistakes its what we do after the mistakes that makes the difference!

That's a million dollar question...one that I don't know that anyone really has the answer to. But I understand the desire to get stuck thinking about the "why not us?" question.

Simplest answer is, as we're fond of saying 'round the office, "It is what it is." I spent a lot of time wondering why, after trying so hard, was I unable to "fix" my marriage...after all, so many others had been able to repair the damage they had caused, so why was my situation so hopeless? I got stuck comparing our M to others, either here on the board or IRL.

For broken, my infidelity was truly a deal-breaker for him. I think he can't reconcile who he thought I was with who I turned out to be. I didn't hold a gun to his head and force him to marry me, any more than I can force him to stay married to me now. I think you can bust a hole in someone's LB$ so critically that you can never refill it, no matter how hard you try.

It just is what it is.

The irony is that I've read on this board that most marriages do stay together after infidelity, but they do so in a crippled version of the pre-A marriage. And trust me, you don't want that. IRL, it's actually a rare few that truly recover - the thing is, this board, as well as Dr. H's case studies, are slanted towards recovered marriages. I would guess that it's simply an issue of being exposed to more cases of marriages that recover, and recover fairly successfully.

No real advice here, just that I know it's tempting to compare situations, but trust me in that it is a waste of your very valuable time. Just take it one day at a time. Focus on your DD and be the best mom you can be.

I've observed post-infidelity situations where the reformed WS would make an excellent NEW marriage partner based on what he/she learned from MB, but the offended BS will not participate. To be honest, I don't know "Why?", but I have theories in progress. Dr Harley would possibly answer that some people are better at getting over resentments than other people. Or, that some infidelity situations are way more egregious than others and the mountain of resentment is insurmountable. What I know for certain is that any BS has the authority to end their marriage after infidelity. The BS who does not end the M but who refuses to participate in the recovery process, is a huge risk for their own infidelity.

I love people. I love the complexities of the human spirit. I've seen weak people toughen up and become warriors. I've seen tough people crumble and collapse. And, I've seen everything in between. I love that so much of our humanness is not scientifically measurable, but is felt in ways that are God-given. I have seen the Grace of God on these boards. I have seen the stupidity of mankind on these boards. Like WPG says, One day ....... At ........ A ........... Time ................

The most elemental truth I've learned is that this entire thing winds up being a conversation with ourselves. "Who am I and what is my purpose after this experience?" If we are open to it, God joins us and embraces us during our struggle. Those who never have this conversation, WS or BS, do not go away from this experience with very much restitution.
Restitution in this situation means we restore ourselves in the proper order.

Dr. Harley has offered us plans and programs. They work.
Restitution of ourselves comes from a higher level. This requires too much surrendering of pride for some people.

I natter away ....... You've just had an inside look into my personal thoughts. I love people on this board because they allow me to be with them as they take their own walk. One day at a time.

Back to MB.

...why some BS are able to get past it and others are not.

Boy, you don't want much, do you? Only the answer to the most vital question that folks here struggle with every day, and have since ML submitted the first of 69K posts - probably on papyrus!

How many HUNDREDS of mental, emotional, and psychological factors do you think make up the success/failure matrix for that question? I just took ten minutes and jotted these down, and certainly folks with many more letters after their names can provide much better insight.

Number of years married
Quality of marriage during those years
Number/age of children
Complicating conditions
Previous infidelities - either way
Support system - MB, religious, psych
BS Attitude toward Vengeance
BS Attitude toward Forgiveness
BS Attitude toward Marriage
WS Response to Discovery/Exposure
WS Remorse - Timing, Extent
Speed of NC, etc
WS Acceptance of O&H
FOO Positions/history
BS Impression of Intensity of Affair
Existence of OC
Non-marital Damage - Health, Lifestyle

Many of these are set in stone long before the infidelity was committed, some even long before the base marriage was joined.

With each of those have a continuum of impact from "disastrous" to "remedial", trying to develop a "formula" for predicting what the final result will be is not worth the effort.

What IS worth the effort is understanding that, of the ones that are addressable post-A, NOTHING should take precedence over maximizing the positive impact that can be harvested.

Enough navel-gazing - back to WORK!

The same way some people would rather sell drugs and dropout of school instead of signing up for the military or going to college. Like NG said there are many variables in that question and honestly that does not help your situation at all. Each person has expectations in a marriage and "deal breakers". Like myself for instance, if my WW decides to come back and is pregnant or had another child with someone else I will not want to be with her. It would be a deal breaker. Guess, what I am saying stop wasting your energy on such questions and answer these questions:

What can I do to put a smile on my BH face?
How can I improve in areas that I know I am lacking?
How can I be a better mother and wife?
Am I correctly digesting the material in SAA?
Is my spirit broken and if it is what can I do to be a better person?

You get the gist.

The incident report is in. The ethics dept will talk with OM tomorrow to get his statement. Should know the outcome by the end of next week.

SunDancer,

Good work! you've DONE something, this is a piece of the just compensation your BH needs. Hopefully this separates you in his mind from his previous partners who did nothing but destroy his self-esteem.

The fact that you had to overcome your fears about doing this may be important to him as well. WWs like to put off exposure to a later time, and then to a later time and....then it becomes just another affair lie.

God Bless
Gamma

^edit

Yay! I concur

Thanks for the update SD! Keep up the HARD work!

I go to the hearing on Tuesday with OM. Hoping for the best.

BH is being nice-- a least to some degree. I am still giving him space. I think about him still. I just hope he is well.

Does your BH know about the hearing?