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I am brand new, so forgive me if I do anything wrong. I have been reading hear for a few weeks.

My husband and I have been together for four years and married for two. When he was deployed to Afghanistan last year I was suspicious that he was in a relationship with another woman. He denied this and I had no proof.

In November of this year I intercepted an email, in which he solicited sex from a "professional" in another city. He was going to fly to said city and pay somewhere upwards of $800 to be with her for one hour.

I did not know about MB at this time. I confronted him. he confessed to soliciting, but claimed he would not have gone through with it. He said he had used porn heavily in Afghanistan and had been unable to quit when he returned. He admitted that he had begun to fantasize about acting out the porn. He agreed to counseling. He went into individual counseling and we see a counselor together.

He agreed to everything I asked for. He gave me the passwords to his phone and his email accounts. His computer stays in the common area of the house. He regularly attends the sacrament of confession. He comes straight home from work and does not go out independently of me.

I cannot shake the feeling that something is still wrong. I know that as he is far more computer savvy than me (He worked in programming for years before his current position in project management), he could just have taken activity underground and I would never know. Also after reading here I know he could have another phone I don't know about.

He appears to be doing everything right and is loving to me on a daily basis--but I have to admit I do not believe it.

I do not know what to do. I love him and cannot bear the thought of another divorce.



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Welcome to marriage builders.

Have you read Dr Harley's books? If so which ones?

Did you expose his actions to your children/ step children?

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I did not "expose" the suspected affair in Afghanistan because I really had NO proof. He has exposed the second situation.


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Also, I want to thank you for answering Jedi Knight. I have been beside myself for months. Even though people know, it has meant more flack for me than him. My husband is well-loved and respected by everyone. he is literally the LAST person anyone would ever think could do such things. Until I saw that email, I never would have believed him capable either. Even my friends have asked me what I could have done to "drive" him to porn and prostitutes.

I have tried very hard to make our home and his life with me loving and warm. I have lost over twenty pounds since this happened in an attempt to make myself more attractive. I cannot shake the feeling that there is something more, something worse, like an actual PA with a beloved AP.


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Welcome to MB and sorry for your pain that has brought you here.

Put a keylogger on his computer and spyware on his phone.

Also GPS and VAR in his vehicle.

If your gut says something's up, then it probably is.



FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I cannot install spyware on his phone as it is a gov't. issue phone for work. I can try to get a keylogger. Are they difficult to install? I am afraid if I do something wrong it will tip him off that I am suspicious and just make him be more careful.

Partly I am suspicious because he already seems so careful. If I check his computer history there is literally only ever Yahoo sports and/or the news page. His email box is always clean as a whistle. I mean, who has NO "deleted" or "sent" emails?

Also, his job requires daytime travel going from job site to job site, so I can't know if he is slipping around or legitimately working.

Last edited by BitsandPieces; 04/19/13 11:58 PM.

Me:BW 45
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They are very easy to install.

Here Keylogger

Also Voice Activated Recorder

And GPS


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Thank you Brainhurts. I sympathize with your username. I seem to hurt all over. I have never felt more horrible...and ugly. Intellectually I know that this infidelity is on him--but emotionally I feel torn up. My self image has never been so low.


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Originally Posted by BitsandPieces
Thank you Brainhurts. I sympathize with your username. I seem to hurt all over. I have never felt more horrible...and ugly. Intellectually I know that this infidelity is on him--but emotionally I feel torn up. My self image has never been so low.
I know it's tough.

Please try and remember that he did this. The Harleys will say "there may be reasons for an affair, but NEVER excuses".

How long have you been in Plan A? Dr. Harley recommends for BWs to only be in Plan A for 3 weeks due to the strain on your health.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Bitsandpieces,

Sorry you're here, but you've come to the best place possible. I'm a military IT guy, and you are absolutely right about his cell phone. DO NOT try and access that phone or install spyware on it. Doing so could be a federal offense.

There are other ways to snoop though: Get VAR and put it in his vehicle. Install the keylogger on your home computer. Does your husband use Google Chrome to browse with? If so, he could be using the "Incognito" window wich doesn't save the browsing history. A good keylogger will catch this information regardless.

Infidelity in the military is a crime under the UCMJ, and is a punishable offense. If you find proof of any infidelity on his part, save it. When you do the exposure, be sure to include his chain of command. They will likely try to sweep it under the rug...do not allow this. Make it clear to them that if they do not handle this situation accordingly, you will go to the Inspector General with the evidence.

Even if you don't find actual evidence of an affair, but you find some inappropriate behavior, I still recommend you go to his chain of command. There are very specific rules governing professional/unprofessional relationships.

Is he an officer?


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Originally Posted by BitsandPieces
He appears to be doing everything right and is loving to me on a daily basis--but I have to admit I do not believe it.

Are the two of you following this?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3350_attn.html


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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AJoseJake,

Thank you for the information. I thought that might be the case with the phone!

My husband is a colonel. I am very afraid that even if I had good evidence that nothing would be done. This is especially true because he is about a year and a half from retirement. I have to try to gather evidence. I don't know. Maybe it really is all in my head. I just can't get away from the feelings though.

Before he went to Afghanistan I never saw or felt anything that made me suspicious. It just was the way he started mentioning that female captain just a little too often. Once he was very upset because she had become angry and yelled at him over a decision he made. I thought it was so weird that it bothered him so badly that someone under his command didn't like a decision. And once when I was on skype with him (he talked with me every night he was inside the wire), there was a knock on the door and then she just came right in without even waiting for an answer. She talked to him briefly for just a couple of minutes, but it seemed pretty trivial and she was sooo smiley. I am new to dealing with the military and these things seemed strange--but I wasn't sure.

He came home early when my daughter suffered a health crisis. He was wonderful through all that and then the fatal email. I know he thinks (although he is smart enough not to say it), that since this was interrupted before anything happened that it doesn't really count. I cannot get over the fact that he would go to a prostitute.

Has anybody else had experience with this sort of infidelity? I don't think I should trust that it hadn't happened before! How can I trust it won't happen again? If he doesn't have an actual affair partner I don't know how to combat this. All the material I find is about how to get them to wake up and realize they aren't "in love." I am even more terrified that there is an AP. I don't know how much longer I can keep it together. I will get a VAR for his car and hopefully can get it in stalled soon.

He always listens to the radio in his car. Will that interfere with or cover the sound of a phone call? How sensitive are these things?


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Markos,

Thanks for your reply. Since I found MB and started reading I have insisted that our free time be spent together. I think most weeks we do get about 15-20 hours together, unless he really is under a bad deadline at work.

Once we tested negative for STDs and he agreed to give up his passwords, etc. We resumed having sex. I have tried very hard to meet his needs in that area.

He has gone along with everything. One of the things I can't get past is that he just seems BORED whenever we are together--like he no longer wants to make conversation or spend time with me. In fact, it seems like everything since Afghanistan bores him.

Of course he is bored with me. He was in a very intense situation, possibly having an affair which seemed very heightened because of the military bond. He came home to a teacher who reads and sews and bakes. That is probably why he began the secret sexual life of porn and prostitutes, to recover that level of excitement. How can a life with me seem appealing after all that? i am starting to think I am fooling myself if I think I can compete.


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I have been reading old threads all morning. I have found a lot of happy recovery stories where traditional affairs have been at fault. I can't seem to find a single happy recovery story for a situation like mine. Has anybody come through something like porn/prostitution and kept the marriage intact. I don't know if I can keep going if there really is no precedence for beating this...


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Originally Posted by BitsandPieces
I have been reading old threads all morning. I have found a lot of happy recovery stories where traditional affairs have been at fault. I can't seem to find a single happy recovery story for a situation like mine. Has anybody come through something like porn/prostitution and kept the marriage intact. I don't know if I can keep going if there really is no precedence for beating this...

DancesWithGoats
LINK to first thread

Her second thread ~~~> LINK

The difference? Their marriage had lasted 26 years when they arrived on MB.
Your marriage is relatively new. They had two children together. No previous marriage/divorce.

In short, her situation was far worse than yours.

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Quote
the secret sexual life of porn and prostitutes

This says nothing about how sexy a wife you are.
You do know that, right?
Originally Posted by Pepperband
Men who go to prostitutes and/or view porn to get themselves off!

*No man learned how to give a real woman pleasure from a hooker/porn.

*Men who visit hookers/porn don't 'go there' intending to give a woman pleasure.

*Men who pay for sex have learned dishonesty during the sex act.

*Men who go to hookers/porn do not learn how to kiss properly.

*Hookers/porn do not require a man learn tender foreplay.

*Hookers/porn requires no intimacy.

*Men who go to hookers/porn are self-focused.

*Men who go to hookers/porn are all about the ending, not the process.

*Men who go to hookers/porn do not make love. They ejaculate.

*Men who go to hookers/porn do not know how to make soulful eye contact during lovemaking.

*Men who go to hookers/porn have unrealistic expectations that their wife should look like & perform as if she was a hooker/porn star.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This, and much more, make them LOUSY in bed.

Men who go to hookers/porn learn to screw, not to make love.


~~~> To view the entire peanut gallery ~~~> Link to original discussion

Last edited by Pepperband; 04/20/13 11:43 AM.
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Originally Posted by Pepperband
Quote
the secret sexual life of porn and prostitutes

This says nothing about how sexy a wife you are.
You do know that, right?
Originally Posted by Pepperband
Men who go to prostitutes and/or view porn to get themselves off!

*No man learned how to give a real woman pleasure from a hooker/porn.

*Men who visit hookers/porn don't 'go there' intending to give a woman pleasure.

*Men who pay for sex have learned dishonesty during the sex act.

*Men who go to hookers/porn do not learn how to kiss properly.

*Hookers/porn do not require a man learn tender foreplay.

*Hookers/porn requires no intimacy.

*Men who go to hookers/porn are self-focused.

*Men who go to hookers/porn are all about the ending, not the process.

*Men who go to hookers/porn do not make love. They ejaculate.

*Men who go to hookers/porn do not know how to make soulful eye contact during lovemaking.

*Men who go to hookers/porn have unrealistic expectations that their wife should look like & perform as if she was a hooker/porn star.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This, and much more, make them LOUSY in bed.

Men who go to hookers/porn learn to screw, not to make love.


~~~> To view the entire peanut gallery ~~~> Link to original discussion


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Originally Posted by BitsandPieces
Even my friends have asked me what I could have done to "drive" him to porn and prostitutes.

Idiots.


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Well apparently it is more difficult than I thought to try to insert the bit of quote I wanted to! Thanks Pepperband. Yes, intellectually I know that this should not eat at my self esteem--but it does.

When I asked him for details about the pornography, specifically why he chose the sorts of girls he did when viewing he said,"Well, they were 20 years old and thin."

That is the first time he had ever said anything to me ever that made me feel bad about myself. I was not very fat or anything, but your typical size 10 mother of two with caesarean scars. The impossibility of my situation started to come home to me. In a regular affair, I would be dealing with one other woman, who would be likely to be better than me in some ways and likely to be worse. I am not competing with one other normal woman. I am competing with thousands of barely out of their teens, chosen specifically for their perfect bodies, hair extended, professionally made up, airbrushed women.

Even when I think about the young capt. i suspected him of being with in Afghanistan, she was a beautiful, long haired brunette. The skin of a 28 year old woman, with a body sculpted by endless military work outs.

Since this all happened, and I guess I have been in plan A (even before I knew what it was called), I lost twenty pounds. He has not even noticed. I simply am not of a physical quality to catch his interest anymore. and that hurts. I know I need to work through that, because my self esteem, is my own problem. But right now, it just hurts.


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Originally Posted by BitsandPieces
Even my friends have asked me what I could have done to "drive" him to porn and prostitutes.
LINK to Dr Harley

Quote
The only reasonable solution to your problem is for your husband to abandon his offensive use of videos and any other forms of sex apart from you, and have sex with you in ways that are fulfilling for both of you.

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