Can you two afford the coaching center?

I believe we can. Let me discuss it with my S first.

Would your BW post here?



You are putting the cart before the horse in a lot of things here.

Your wife's conditions for recovery are not subject to PoJA, nor should they be subject to PoJA when your thinking is still self-centered.

Just based on your responses alone, I can imagine a PoJA session for you being your wife telling you something she is not OK with, and you rationalizing to her why it should be "just fine."


They aren't called "extraordinary" precautions because they are something "everyone else" does.

They are called extraordinary precautions because they are meant to help protect a crippled marriage, and allow it to grow.

HoldHerHand...I respect you a lot you've given some good advice but I don't understand how you can say that I'm putting the cart before the horse. I took the time again to read all of the comments I and others have made on this thread.

The title of my post/thread is Momentum building first steps???

I was looking for some advice on the first steps forward I needed to take after reading Dr. Harley's book "surviving an affair" and reviewing material on this site.

The advice I got was

(1) End all contact and change boundaries with members of the opposite sex. This was done four months prior to me being on this site. Coupled with this I was told that the best thing to do was to put EP's in place. I listed 4 EP's. I was told they were not enough and guided to an example of EP's. I put together an expanded list of 12 gave them to my BS and then posted them for comment. Two of those points i.e. sharing email,social media and bank account passwords as well as no porn were highlightd as needing further expansion. With regard to social media a decision needed to be made as to whether to (a) delete it entirely
(b) have a joint page with my BS
(c) remove anyone on my current list that would be a threat.

If it could be left up to me I would choose (b) but this would require agreement by my BS so we spoke about it and used the POJA to decide. I was told through this site that POJA should be used when making a decision together with my BS so that's what we did. We agreed that (c) is best for now until we start living together at which point (b) would be preferable.

(2) Never spend a night apart again- BS not ready to do that. Still wants to be sure that she would be safe in marriage to me and I agree with her not only does she need to feel safe but in fact I want to feel safe from the emotional hurt she sometimes inflicts.

(3) Spend all our leisure time together and open up our lives to each other- I've been doing that; my BS hasn't because she's not ready to let "the world" know that we are trying to fix things until I reach a certain stage in re-building relationships with members of her family ( which i'm trying to do). Not going to push her...I'm the one who had the affair and I'm the one that needs to give just compensation for my wrong.

(4) Get Five steps to Romantic Love Workbook- will be done soon but first i want to read the books "His needs,Her needs"
and "LoveBusters".

I don't think I've missed anything but please tell me if I have. I am here to get advice on how to build my marriage. That is the most important thing to me right now. I know it comes with the territory but i really am not interested in being called names or being judged on a false premise of who I am as a person...so I'll continue to do my best to screen these comments out and focus on the advice required to move forward.

I will ask my wife if she is willing to post. She has been reading the thread and even told me last night that she was happy about the steps I've been taking to move forward. However, I think she should post if only for people to stop basing their opinions on false premises.

Micalex, I would skip the POJA since it doesn't apply to EPs and just delete Facebook. That is a very simple, basic protection against an affair. Even having a joint fb page doesn't eliminate the problem because members of the opposite sex can still contact you and you are free to contact them. Facebook just isn't worth the trouble.

"(2) Never spend a night apart again- BS not ready to do that. Still wants to be sure that she would be safe in marriage to me and I agree with her not only does she need to feel safe but in fact I want to feel safe from the emotional hurt she sometimes inflicts.

(3) Spend all our leisure time together and open up our lives to each other- I've been doing that; my BS hasn't because she's not ready to let "the world" know that we are trying to fix things until I reach a certain stage in re-building relationships with members of her family ( which i'm trying to do). Not going to push her...I'm the one who had the affair and I'm the one that needs to give just compensation for my wrong."

Micalex, you are taking these 2 points out of context. These are EPs that apply when you are reconciled and committed to recovery. Of course you can't abide by #2 if you are still separated. But if you are reconciled and working on recovery, these are not matters for negotiation, because EPs are not negotiable. However, her decision to reconcile is voluntary.

However, if it is your wish to reconcile with your wife there are EPs you can do now, such as eliminating useless - but risky - social networking sites.

"I will be guided by her feelings and concerns on the issue. And the end of the day that's all that matters to me right"

As long as they are in line with basic extraordinary precautions suggested by Marriage Builders. But if she has a feeling that is not in line with basic EPs, it should not be followed. She has never recovered a marriage and this is where we can help you both.

Agree that the cell phone should be eliminated too. Thanks for pointing that out.

Anything else you can think of?

Just deleted all females that are not blood relatives from my Facebook, Skype email accounts and cellphone. I will be keeping the email addresses and contact numbers for my former employers ( though they are female) that I may use as job references. I am not going to get rid of my social network altogether because it is a link to members of my family, close school friends (I went to an all boys college by the way), websites that I've developed and the very few forms of entertainment that I still enjoy ( mainly sports teams and musical artists).

Maybe I should get rid of the Internet too...but wait I'll stop talking to the lovely people on marriage builders. That wouldn't be good now would it.

After all The Marriage builders forum is a social network too.

Your whiny/smartass responses don't paint the picture of a man that is remorseful and serious about protecting and repairing his marriage.

When you spend even a few months around here dealing with people who want to half-[censored] their way into getting a betrayed spouse to stay with them and not change a thing, your bovine excrement detector becomes very keen.


On an emotional level, you have an attempted murder charge against your wife. What you have done will fundementally change her FOREVER.

And your response is "Whaaaaaaaaaaat???? I have to give up Facebook? But, but, BUTT!"


You have forcefully removed trust and innocence from your wife's being, and Facebook is a sacrifice?


Come on!


Being fully aware of your thread title, a radical change in your lifestyle is the BIGGEST "Momentum Building First Step" that you can take. I repeat; change your lifestyle. This doesn't mean "temporarily make some changes to appease my battered and broken wife." It means doing away with things that are a detriment to your marriage.


Falling back on PoJA - especially with a spouse absent from the boards to confirm such claims - is a common tool of a non-serious wayward. Things that can destroy your marriage aren't less likely to destroy your marriage because they are PoJAd. I've seen a WH manipulate his BW into a threesome with another man by "using PoJA." Waywards have tried to "PoJA" open marriages.

You certainly didn't PoJA paying a prostitute. And even if you did, people have shown up here who agreed to allow their spouse to have sex outside the marriage, and have nothing but REGRET for that.

PoJA?


You need to be working on EPs and Just Compensation. You need to be working on Radical Honesty. You need to be working on getting proper UA time.


And when you start looking serious, your wife will see it, she will have some sense of safety. Until then, half-assing and trying to bargain out of basic EPs is going to shorten your window of opportunity for recovery.


Let me ask you, are you ready to make the necassary changes to your life to have an Affair Proof marriage... even if your wife won't take you back?


That's what a serious person looks like. We have them around.

This is the kind of crap that is going to make people leave you in the dust.


Knock it off.

He is definetly a renter. Was a freeloader but now a renter.

So essentially you are judging me based on what you've seen from others and yes... the changes I have made and will make changes in my life even if my BS does not want to take me back.

People have suggested that I get rid of all my social networks. Is or isn't the marriage builders forum a social network?

Don't even know how to begin to respond to that one all i would say is that I hope my BS knows me better than you do for my marriage's sake.

I'll continue to do what she wants me to do and be guided by her emotional needs. Bottom line is I'm not trying to have a relationship with you; I'm trying to fix a broken relationship with her.

I've decided that I will not be posting again until my BS weighs in on thses discussions.

Bottom line is I'm not trying to pull punches and be your buddy... and the posters here aren't trying to have a relationship with you, either. They are trying to teach you Marriage Builders concepts.


What we have to go on is your words, your reported actions. The history of others works as a guideline in this online-forum related environment. This program is done through books, email, and phone calls because nobody is the snowflake they think they are. The concepts WORK when applied.


Your BS doesn't know you. She thought she knew you, but she knew a plastic front that was paying for sex behind her back.


Knock of the damn tantrum, quit whining and arguing, and LISTEN to concepts that have saved the marriages of the formerly broken and imperfect people that are posting to you.


Sheesh.