OK, I'm a little more rational today. We had a nice talk last night and I got a hug.

I asked him to post on MB101, that's why I did not see his thread. That's probably good, I'll be less tempted to look.

He is 30' down the hall from me at work all day. I do want us to have separate threads. I don't want to get all emotional at work. It just cant happen. I want for each of us to be able to ask questions independently.

The 30 Day Moratorium is a Sex Addicts thing that goes along with his Mens Group. It's about clearing your mind from obsessive fantasy. I mean, he HAD to masturbate because I want available for three days?! That's insane. I DID NOT ask him to do the moratorium, just to read the chapter, because I was hell-fire pissed at him when this all went down and didn't see my self as being available to him for, well, more than three days! I asked him about it last night in which I found out he missed the point completely.

I'll do MB with him, but I'm not going to chase him down with forms and a clip board like last time. It made me feel pathetic. First I'm coming in 2nd to pixels on a computer, then I have plead to get him involved in our marriage? I'm not going to beg him to love me. This is really my last effort. I'll see how involve he's really going to be. I'm not going to care more than he does.

Thank you, again.

When my husband attended a sex addictions group through our church, the men were told to simply STOP masturbating, porn, etc. They were not advised to avoid sex with their wives. Most men have a craving for sex and a month moratorium on sex is not a good idea.

Create a schedule where you both meet to work together on MB materials. That way no one is chasing anyone down. You have a block of time already scheduled and each comes to the session ready. We always read a few pages together aloud first, then discussed. We'd continue each night until we were done with the chapter, then we'd spend that block of time working on our worksheets together. It helped keep us accountable to each other and scheduling the sessions made it simple. We only did this for maybe an hour each evening, and we followed this time up with something fun.

Great advice from longwayhome. I would also suggest you go read his thread.

It's a good idea to sit down tonight and start scheduling your UA time. And whatever you do, avoid discussion about mistakes of the past. Constantly bringing up his mistakes will ruin your UA time.

Please stick to Marriage Builders concepts and avoid mixing in other programs. All you do is weaken the ability of this program to help your marriage. A little of this and a little of that will be a disaster because all you do is water it down. Stick to MB because it is a proven, effective program. A moratorium on sex is insane and will make the problem worse.

If you are not going to follow this program correctly you aren't going to get any benefit. UA time should be devoted to meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs, not 3. Cutting corners will avail you nothing.

"? I'm not going to beg him to love me. This is really my last effort. I'll see how involve he's really going to be."

But you are not involved yourself. You are angry at him, which makes this worse. Your anger only pushes him away even more. If the solution is to create a passionate, intimate marriage, that can't be done if you are angry.

How would you rate yourself on Lovebusters? How would he rate you? Do you have angry outbursts? Disrespectful judgements? And how well do you think you meet his ENs?

The question of the ages:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8120_sex.html

OK, we talked more last night. We went on a good walk (exercise), and cleared up the Moratorium issue. He asked me out on a date tonight, I said yes.

The Men's Group and CBT are his ideas. The idea that he might be depressed was brought up earlier on this thread, so him talking with a therapist didn't bother me.

That he wanted to get with a Men's group to help get him off the couch didn't bother me, either. If it also help keep him motivated to do MB I also thought that would be a good idea, that it all worked together nicely. I didn't see a conflict. He's overcoming a LOT of inertia here. Note, he's done neither so you may have nothing to worry about.

My LB's that he's spoken of include my using harsh tone of voice and pressuring him/rushing him. I look for these now, and I've asked him to use phrases like "give me a second" to let me know when he needs more time. Before he would not say anything to me until he'd blow up. That one still comes up. I've had Annoying Habits that I've worked to eliminate. It's hard to get my LB's out of him.

Here's to Date Night!

Please post that to him.
I am VERY sexual. I've turned him down 2-3 times in the 15 years, and then it's only been a rain check, quickly cashed. He gets nervous initiating, makes too big a deal of it, gets in a routine, whatever... I'm the one starving while he's meeting his own needs. When I was 'in charge' everything was great for him, as he said to me last night. It wasn't great for me. It seems to me that he wants it like a porn movie, where the woman is just ready and jumps on the guy and does all the work.

Thank you.

So, you're going to start planning 4 hour date nights 4 times a week, meeting all four intimate emotional needs (Intimate Conversation, Affection, Recreational Companionship, and ending the date with scheduled Sexual Fullfillment)?

Please don't tell us what to post
When someone posts something for you to read, please use the opportunity to learn instead of itching for him to be educated.

These are DJs

If you are going to want to recover, you are going to have to stop dwelling on the mistakes of the past and focus on following the program in the present.

Which includes scheduled sex. Both of you complain about having to initiate. Neither of you HAS to. Schedule sex, at least 4 times a week, after you have spent 4 hours of UA meeting the other 3 intimate needs. And don't bring up the past again.

Did you read the article? He'll never get the sex he needs if you don't work to get educated and partner with him.

OK, very sorry...

HE SAID.. all those things.

I'm trying hard not to DJ, but DJ would be my biggest LB's. They are mostly internal/unexpressed, but I do DJ him. HE WOULD NOT SAY it's my biggest LB, but I would.

"I" was getting little "F" in the SF. I asked him to take lead. His complaint last night when we were talking that was when he was in charge was that it was too 'scheduled' 'routine' (his schedule, his routine). If you/I suggest scheduled SF (and I hate to DJ here) he's not gonna like it.

He's wanting the unbridled, rodeo stuff that I came up with, when he never knew it was coming. Then he could watch tv again. See the resentment? I didn't get intimate conversation, affection, I ran out of rodeo tricks after 8-10 years, I gave him the reigns. What do we do here?

So ... did you read the article?

So don't. You don't know what he's thinking. Leave it unsaid.

Start planning 4 hour date nights 4 times a week, meeting all four intimate emotional needs (Intimate Conversation, Affection, Recreational Companionship, and ending the date with scheduled Sexual Fullfillment). And don't bring up the past again.

No one initiates. You enjoy a date together, then you enjoy sex together.

Brenda, I completely understand why you never really got much out of Marriage Builders over the years. You apparently have cherry picked it to death which renders the program useless. And I see you doing that again now. You are inserting your own idea of what will or won't work and the truth is that you don't really know what you are doing. I did the same thing in my own marriage and wasted about 5 years of valuable time. Once I started doing the program in its entirety, things began to change.

So I am not going to repeat myself over and over and over again. I will just accept that you have rejected my suggestion to follow the program exactly and eliminate all the other crap that will just water it down and waste your time.

IT is your right to waste your time just like it is my right to not post to someone who is less serious about their own marriage than me. If that changes, give me a shout and I will come back.

P.s. Markos and Prisca have 6 little kids and I hope you will not waste their valuable time either. They have also been through the MB course and can give you invaluable advice if you will just follow it.

Please listen.
Radio Clip on Disrespectful Judgments
Segment #2
Segment #3