Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 20 of 25 1 2 18 19 20 21 22 24 25
Joined: Apr 2013
Posts: 107
D
DBD Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2013
Posts: 107
Checking in.

Monitoring comms. and still no sign of connection with OM--longest period of abstinence so far.

I have suggested seeing a Dr, but WW does not want to go.

Brain--I have read the info you posted...kind of hoping 30 days is the worst of it.

FF--thanks for the encouragement. Doing ok with AO and DJs, but I do call the OM some degrading names from time to time--only when she brings up how wonderful he is/was.

We are watching movies and going on walks as suggested, but it is weird and I am trying to allow some space but still show some love.

Got a formal offer on a new job today and start next Monday--she seems excited about this.

She is starting to initiate snuggling a little on the couch and is saying I love you more from time to time. Herb--trying not to hang on every word and action, but ...I am.

She went to church one Sunday with my daughter out of the blue--the sermon was on adultery--straight up on adultery, I saw the lesson notes--daughter said she cried the whole service--that has to be God at work on things too.

WW continues to communicate fears that I will have an affair now or turn real mean once things settle out with her. She actually acts real concerned about who I am texting and emailing etc. I have a lot of that stuff password protected because of my snoop tools. Not sure how to handle this?

I have a 5 part action plan ready to roll at the 1st sign of new comms with the OM. No real EPs are in place on her end to prevent it.

Later all, thanks for your input and care.


Me: BH 42
Her: WW 41
Married 23 years
D-Day March 2, 2013
E-Day April 8, 2013
5 Kids ages 16-22, 3 boys & 2 girls
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
Did you ever get into your doctor for ADs?

Do not give up your snoop tools yet. You need to keep an eye on her until you know there's been NC. Some posters do it for a year past recovery and some more than that.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Apr 2013
Posts: 107
D
DBD Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2013
Posts: 107
No Dr--self treating with Coors light. 4 works great.

Intent to keep snoop tools running--it is tricky though.



Me: BH 42
Her: WW 41
Married 23 years
D-Day March 2, 2013
E-Day April 8, 2013
5 Kids ages 16-22, 3 boys & 2 girls
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
Originally Posted by DBD
No Dr--self treating with Coors light. 4 works great.

Intent to keep snoop tools running--it is tricky though.
That's not a healthy way to deal with it.

Can you get into your doctor? Will you get into your doctor?

Originally Posted by Dr. Harley
Since plan B (and plan A, for that matter), is extremely stressful for the betrayed spouse, I usually recommend that he or she ask a physician to prescribe anti-depressant medication to be taken throughout the crisis. This not only greatly reduces the suffering of the betrayed spouse, but it also helps keep a clear head at a time when patience and wise decisions are crucial. Anti-depressant medication does not numb the betrayed spouse to the crisis, it actually helps raise him or her above emotional reactions that would otherwise prevent clear-headed thinking. Why suffer and and make poor choices when anti-depressant medication can help ease your pain and improve your concentration in this time of unprecedented crisis?

What are Plan A and Plan B





FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 158
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 158
Originally Posted by DBD
No Dr--self treating with Coors light. 4 works great.

Intent to keep snoop tools running--it is tricky though.

Please do not let anyone pressure you to take antidepressants.

But you really need to stop self medicating with beer. It's not healthy. It can end up causing a more long term issue even after you and your wife work things out. you don't want this.

There are a lot of natural things you can take to help alleviate some anxiety.



Me: BW
DH: Had a 2yr. affair with my brother's wife.
D Day 11-10-09
Working hard on recovery!
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 1,650
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 1,650
DBD you gave me some good words on my forum let me share some with you. Alcohol is a depressant and will make your depressed and fat. Goes without saying, its not attractive. Quit the alcohol and hit the gym or run you will notice a HUGE difference in the first two weeks. I do not know what your comfort zone is but try to run 3 times a week about 2 miles. It will increase your testosterone and your physical attractivness as well as your self esteem. Huge burst in energy as well. I started like that 4 months ago and dropped 52 lbs. I'm running in mini marathons now! If I can I know your can.

edit: I do not believe in ADs Dr. Harley says they help. Because of my beliefs I was encouraged by some posters here to run. I do not take mind altering substances including alcohol. Exercise may or might not work for you but what better way to show your WW that you changed? Physical appearance will speak for itself.

Last edited by TranquilDark; 05/10/13 10:09 AM.
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
I don't think the Coors is for depression, My impression is that it is for anxiety.
Am I correct or am I incorrect?

Edit to add:
I also suspect the Coors is his TAKER's decision.


Last edited by Pepperband; 05/10/13 11:30 AM. Reason: also ................
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 158
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 158
Originally Posted by Pepperband
I don't think the Coors is for depression, My impression is that it is for anxiety.
Am I correct or am I incorrect?

Edit to add:
I also suspect the Coors is his TAKER's decision.

He may be self medicating for anxiety, but alcohol can stimulate the nervous system and act as a depressant. It's ultimately self defeating.


Me: BW
DH: Had a 2yr. affair with my brother's wife.
D Day 11-10-09
Working hard on recovery!
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Originally Posted by Carka
He may be self medicating for anxiety, but alcohol can stimulate the nervous system and act as a depressant. It's ultimately self defeating.

I'm married to a man with 17.5 years AA sobriety. I am an RNP. Yes, I understand how alcohol effects the nervous system, as well as other systems.

Alcohol is a nervous system depressant, not a stimulant. I know that's what you meant to write.

Last edited by Pepperband; 05/10/13 11:40 AM.
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
Originally Posted by Pepperband
Originally Posted by Carka
He may be self medicating for anxiety, but alcohol can stimulate the nervous system and act as a depressant. It's ultimately self defeating.

I'm married to a man with 17.5 years AA sobriety. I am an RNP. Yes, I understand how alcohol effects the nervous system, as well as other systems.

Alcohol is a nervous system depressant, not a stimulant.
Exactly what Pep says.
What a better time to get into your doctor DBD?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 158
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 158
Originally Posted by Pepperband
Originally Posted by Carka
He may be self medicating for anxiety, but alcohol can stimulate the nervous system and act as a depressant. It's ultimately self defeating.

I'm married to a man with 17.5 years AA sobriety. I am an RNP. Yes, I understand how alcohol effects the nervous system, as well as other systems.

Alcohol is a nervous system depressant, not a stimulant. I know that's what you meant to write.

Pardon, yes thank you.


Me: BW
DH: Had a 2yr. affair with my brother's wife.
D Day 11-10-09
Working hard on recovery!
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Originally Posted by DBD
Coors light.

Plan A with your WW still living in the home includes POJA non adultery decisions with your wife.
This includes the Coors-solution.

Edit to add:

ASK your WW how she feels about 4 Coors/night. Ask about 3/night.
Ask about 2/night.

You may get laid if you show this much care for her feelings. grin

Last edited by Pepperband; 05/10/13 12:54 PM.
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Sex vs Coors as anxiety relief?
Sex wins.

Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
Sex vs Coors as anxiety relief?
Sex wins.


Yeah, but at some age, it becomes obvious that, with beers, one can still have TWO per NIGHT!

Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Originally Posted by NeverGuessed
Sex vs Coors as anxiety relief?
Sex wins.


Yeah, but at some age, it becomes obvious that, with beers, one can still have TWO per NIGHT!

Shaddup NG. rotflmao

Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686
Quote
Yeah, but at some age, it becomes obvious that, with beers, one can still have TWO per NIGHT!

Only if you're doing it wrong.


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
KR, you can't handle two beers? think

Joined: Apr 2013
Posts: 163
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Apr 2013
Posts: 163
instead of bad mouthing POSUM,when she starts talking about him respectfully ask her not to mention him in front of you. Or let her come to conclusions about him. Ie, "I know you love him, but how should the kids and I feel about him?" This accomplish several things
1. Show her you are calm while talking about him
2. Get her to think of your feelings (maybe)
3. Get her to look at the way POSOM is viewed by the rest of the family
4. Put a real downer on her feelings without you doing it. Her thoughts do.

Also when she mentions you having an affair again reiterate that you want a marriage where you both flourish. You could also say something like "I am taking EP to protect myself from an affair. I don't want to put you and the family through that much pain"

Lastly, lay off the beer. You are giving her ammunition "He is drinking every night". After D day for me I refused to touch Alcohol for some time. Satan is seeing his plans to ruin your family stall. He could very easily start whispering love for coors in your ear for his plan B.


Me: 34 BH
Her: 31 FWW
DD (6)
DS (3)
D-day 2/2/13

Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 5,123
Likes: 1
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 5,123
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by klovelistener
instead of bad mouthing POSUM,when she starts talking about him respectfully ask her not to mention him in front of you. Or let her come to conclusions about him. Ie, "I know you love him, but how should the kids and I feel about him?" This accomplish several things
1. Show her you are calm while talking about him
2. Get her to think of your feelings (maybe)
3. Get her to look at the way POSOM is viewed by the rest of the family
4. Put a real downer on her feelings without you doing it. Her thoughts do.

Also when she mentions you having an affair again reiterate that you want a marriage where you both flourish. You could also say something like "I am taking EP to protect myself from an affair. I don't want to put you and the family through that much pain"

Lastly, lay off the beer. You are giving her ammunition "He is drinking every night". After D day for me I refused to touch Alcohol for some time. Satan is seeing his plans to ruin your family stall. He could very easily start whispering love for coors in your ear for his plan B.


To quote the late Whitney Houston; Hell-to-the-naw:

Quote
1. Show her you are calm while talking about him
2. Get her to think of your feelings (maybe)
3. Get her to look at the way POSOM is viewed by the rest of the family
4. Put a real downer on her feelings without you doing it. Her thoughts do.


This is terrible advice.


1) Why, for the love of Pete, would any BS want to talk about their spouse's affair partner? To make them hurt, sad, angry? Talking about the affair partner, other than they need to GTFA is an exercise in self-mutilation.

2) Here is the fact, plain and simple; a WS may quite simply never see their affair partner as bad. Especially a WW. Despite how horrible adultery is, it occurs because; a person with poor boundaries allows someone of the opposite sex to meet their emotional needs to a point that it triggers Romantic Love. It's that black-and-white.

That is why this program requires No Contact for life with the affair partner, and extra-ordinary precautions to prevent reignition of the affair, or the beginning of any further affairs (and why extraordinary precautions are adopted by both spouses).

Furthermore, attempting to "straighten out" a wayward's thinking about their affair partner, while it would seem justified, is a disrespectful judgment... a love buster... and Love Busters are to be avoided in Plan A.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Originally Posted by HoldHerHand
Furthermore, attempting to "straighten out" a wayward's thinking about their affair partner, while it would seem justified, is a disrespectful judgment... a love buster... and Love Busters are to be avoided in Plan A.

precisely

Page 20 of 25 1 2 18 19 20 21 22 24 25

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (NewEveryDay), 1,357 guests, and 77 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5