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I think I've been pretty clear that I wasn't sure if I wanted to stay in this marriage AT ALL. I've been here trying to talk myself into recommitting to the marriage, and then MB. Please understand my reluctance. Why doesn't anyone understand?

It's not that I'm cherry-picking, I hadn't committed to anything. There's a difference.

Look at the title of the thread, look at the questions I've been asking you...

I love him, but he's hurt me a lot.

He's made a lot of promises that's he's not been able to keep.

I'm supposed to be smarter than to keep re-exposing myself to this kind of pain. And yet, I have apparently chosen to. That's progress.

I know what DJ's are, I'm aware how destructive they are, but with his stubborn refusal to address his LB's I'm left with my own brain telling me stories. Asking him to address his LB's didn't help. So I shut up. Things finally came to a head. They can get now be addressed.

And repeating something he said is not a DJ.

Again, I don't understand why I'm the bay guy here when he's trashed this relationship up one side and down the other. I've been faithful and loving. You can ask him, if you like. He's been a reclusive, lying porn addict. I tried getting him into MB and he gave it less than a half-assed effort.

I will listen & read the links.
Thank you all for your help.

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Originally Posted by BrendaEllen
I think I've been pretty clear that I wasn't sure if I wanted to stay in this marriage AT ALL. I've been here trying to talk myself into recommitting to the marriage, and then MB. Please understand my reluctance. Why doesn't anyone understand?

I think you need to make a decision whether you are going to do this or not. The plan will work if you both follow it. So far he sounds perfectly willing to follow it. If you're not planning to, it's not really fair to him to lead him on.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by BrendaEllen
I think I've been pretty clear that I wasn't sure if I wanted to stay in this marriage AT ALL. I've been here trying to talk myself into recommitting to the marriage, and then MB. Please understand my reluctance. Why doesn't anyone understand?

It's not that I'm cherry-picking, I hadn't committed to anything. There's a difference.

Look at the title of the thread, look at the questions I've been asking you...

I love him, but he's hurt me a lot.

He's made a lot of promises that's he's not been able to keep.

I'm supposed to be smarter than to keep re-exposing myself to this kind of pain. And yet, I have apparently chosen to. That's progress.

I know what DJ's are, I'm aware how destructive they are, but with his stubborn refusal to address his LB's I'm left with my own brain telling me stories. Asking him to address his LB's didn't help. So I shut up. Things finally came to a head. They can get now be addressed.

And repeating something he said is not a DJ.

Again, I don't understand why I'm the bay guy here when he's trashed this relationship up one side and down the other. I've been faithful and loving. You can ask him, if you like. He's been a reclusive, lying porn addict. I tried getting him into MB and he gave it less than a half-assed effort.

I will listen & read the links.
Thank you all for your help.


If you don't want to remain married to your husband, then separate and divorce. If you are interested in building a good marriage, then commit to doing the MB work. That involves eliminating lovebusters and meeting each other's emotional needs. Have you learned about the lovebusters? Posters on your thread have identified Disrespectful Judgements that you have written, but, you don't seem to recognize them.

So, are you going follow the program or not? If you aren't, you are wasting the time of the most experienced veterans on MB.

AM



BW - 65
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M - 35 years
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DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
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I've been here trying to talk myself into recommitting to the marriage, and then MB.
No, you haven't.

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It's not that I'm cherry-picking, I hadn't committed to anything. There's a difference.
Sounds like a Renter.

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Look at the title of the thread, look at the questions I've been asking you...
Look at our answers.

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I love him, but he's hurt me a lot.
Yes. Are you wanting to dwell on that, or repair the damage?

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He's made a lot of promises that's he's not been able to keep.
More dwelling. Whether you keep this marriage or not, dwelling on these painful actions on his part will only hinder you.

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I know what DJ's are, I'm aware how destructive they are,
So are you going to stop?

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but with his stubborn refusal to address his LB's
What about your stubborn refusal?

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I'm left with my own brain telling me stories.
Tell it to shut up.

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Asking him to address his LB's didn't help. So I shut up. Things finally came to a head. They can get now be addressed.
So are you going to?

Quote
And repeating something he said is not a DJ.
Yes, it very well can be.

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Again, I don't understand why I'm the bay guy here when he's trashed this relationship up one side and down the other.
You haven't done any trashing?
No one has said you are the "bad guy." So cut that crap, ok?

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I've been faithful and loving.
DJs aren't loving.


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I think I've been pretty clear that I wasn't sure if I wanted to stay in this marriage AT ALL. I've been here trying to talk myself into recommitting to the marriage, and then MB. Please understand my reluctance. Why doesn't anyone understand?


me...me..me... <<<raising hand>>>

I understand....

You want to use the forum as a "personal blog" and do not want MB advice.

Anyone's attempts to help you are a nuisance.

Over the years there have been many many people to use the forum in just this manner.

I totally get it.

committed

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Originally Posted by committedandlovi
[
You want to use the forum as a "personal blog" and do not want MB advice.

Anyone's attempts to help you are a nuisance.

exactamundo..... clap


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I could not make a snap decision about this marriage.
I have decided to stay.
I did create this account, I did ask him to, also.

After two weeks of avoiding him and considering D, with him sleeping in the guest room, I did start to engage him again. I started eating with him, talking with him. Talking about MB.

We had our first date night last Thurs that ended with SF. I cried afterwards, but did not let him know.

The next day, last Friday morning, I suggested we take off early, like we used to in the good ole days. By noon I said, "It's a gorgeous day, let's go to So&So place, have a glass of wine on the patio and plan out our evening & weekend."

This is significant because 1) we just had SF for the first time in two weeks lest than 24 hrs earlier, some follow up cozy was needed. 2) we'd spent the last two weekends apart, I'd not asked him to spend ANY time with me since all this happened. I initiated this date 3) the traffic gets bad later in the day and we'd not be able to get a romantic table if we left later on a Friday

When I left at 2pm I asked if he was right behind me, he said he wanted to finish a project, but he was almost done.

I went home, fixed my hair, make up, changed clothes, tended to the animals, looked up and it had been an hour. I called to find out he was still into his project. He reluctantly came home.

He yelled at me, said he would NOT take the blame for this because I didn't tell him that it was IMPORTANT that he came home. He said this 6+ times. He said it was important that he "Honor His Commitment to the Project" (he said this 6+ times) and that "We didn't have REAL plans", "Our plans were not Important, it was JUST wine on a patio" (he said this 6+ times). Every time I heard "YOU" were not important. I broke out in a cold sweat the first time he said it.

I felt like such a chump. He got his SF the night before, and I get dumped for a robot.

Then he yelled at me, he called BS on me "Waiting till I got upset before I called him, that I was supposed to call BEFORE I got upset".

I said I didn't even know I was upset until I realized I got stood-up for a box of parts.

He yelled until I broke down, sobbing.
I don't sob, I don't cry when we fight. I'm just worn out.

He apologized, he hugged me, and we pulled off a nice night.

THIS is what I mean about having to BEG him to be with me and participate. Why to I have to TELL him that I'm more important than a box of parts? I asked him three times during the day to take off early with me.

This has been a reoccurring issue, It's MY job to tell him when it's important for him to keep his word. His promises can be superseded by a more important promise, like the one he made to himself to assemble a robot.

We had SF again on Saturday morning and I got blindsided with crying again. This time I asked him to hold me tightly and tell me sweet things. He did.

He had another AO on Sunday when we were going to watch a game with friends and I asked him if we could pick up a friend to give him a ride (instead of friend taking busses). He yelled till I was sobbing again, said he would NOT be taken advantage of because of all of 'this'. I apologized profusely, then he did.

We had a good talk last night. He said he'd ordered the MB books and we talked about his AO's. He had a HUGE AO about two months ago that did a LOT of damage. I kept asking him where that came from, he kept saying nothing was wrong, but it was out of character. Vulgarity and everything. Thinking back, it was about the time he's admitted to starting masturbating aging.

So now we are waiting for the books. I am paying attention. I am participating.
Thank you.



Last edited by BrendaEllen; 05/14/13 02:53 PM.
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Glad you are back and ready to get to work. Which books did you order?

Another thing I would start doing today is listening to the radio show together. Download the MB radio app [its on iphone, android and ipad] and start every day. That will help you understand the program faster. It is an amazing free resource.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Sooo ... are you going to start planning those 4 hour dates, 4 times a week?

Are you committed to never bring up the past again?

Are you committed to POJA?

Are you committed to eliminating your DJs and IB?


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He said he ordered 'All' the books.

We'll do the radio tonight.

We got hung up on POJA last time. I think we need to get the work books and start from scratch on some of this stuff. He told me he could not imagine using RH with me, POJA, or PORH last time. It was part of 'being taken advantage of'. (not DJ, he told me).

I've been actively working on my DJ's. He said he'd start working on his AO's last night.

Looking forward, not backwards. Thank you.

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Originally Posted by BrendaEllen
We got hung up on POJA last time. I think we need to get the work books and start from scratch on some of this stuff. He told me he could not imagine using RH with me, POJA, or PORH last time. It was part of 'being taken advantage of'. (not DJ, he told me).

I would start with the first five chapters of Lovebusters AND schedule out your UA time for the week. You can't include time you are working together either.

The POJA does feel like one is being taken advantage of when it is exercised as a VETO power and not a method to make decisions that both are enthusiastic about.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Are you going to start planning those 4 hour dates, 4 times a week?


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Yes, we had date night last night. We grilled, chatted, played cards and listened to music. It was nice.

The first book arrived today, HN/HN.
Also downloaded the radio ap.

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Yes, we had date night last night. We grilled, chatted, played cards and listened to music. It was nice.
Did it end with SF?

Quote
Also downloaded the radio ap.
Wonderful smile


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Originally Posted by BrendaEllen
Yes, we had date night last night. We grilled, chatted, played cards and listened to music.
Does that mean you spent date night at home? If so, how was it any different from just a night at home?


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Originally Posted by BrendaEllen
Yes, we had date night last night. We grilled, chatted, played cards and listened to music. It was nice.

The first book arrived today, HN/HN.
Also downloaded the radio ap.

Nice!


BW - 65
WH - 60
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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No SF. I think me crying last time has thrown him off...

Does Date Night have to be in a crowded restaurant?
How is that intimate?

We've spent a good amount of time and money remodeling our home. We have a nice deck and view. We love to cook, it's a hobby we enjoy together (although he cooked for me last night, so that was especially nice).

Last night was different in that we didn't turn on the TV. That is a biggie. We talk while we play cards. That's nice.

Also different in that if we go out, we run into friends. Home, we are guaranteed alone time.

Does "Date Night" have to be OUT? We do not have children.

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Some of my H's and my best times are on our patio. And we also cook together and have taken a cooking class together.

I don't think UA time has to be "out", especially since you don't have children. It should be a time of UNDIVIDED attention, without the distractions of housework, chores, TV, etc. Ideally, it should meet the four critical emotional needs of affection, intimate conversation, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment. That is the biggest bang for the buck, making the most love bank deposits for both of you.

AM



BW - 65
WH - 60
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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Here. The Critical Importance of Undivided Attention

UA time is met when meeting the four intimate ENs.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by armymama
Some of my H's and my best times are on our patio. And we also cook together and have taken a cooking class together.

I don't think UA time has to be "out", especially since you don't have children. It should be a time of UNDIVIDED attention, without the distractions of housework, chores, TV, etc. Ideally, it should meet the four critical emotional needs of affection, intimate conversation, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment. That is the biggest bang for the buck, making the most love bank deposits for both of you.

AM



This is one thing that tends to vacillate - Dr. Harley is oft quoted saying that good, quality UA time should be spent out of the home, but several people have had e-mail exchanges or have written into the radio about this, and Dr. Harley doesn't completely disqualify UA time at home.

So, I would follow that with SugarCane's question; if you are trying to do UA time at home, how is it different from all the other time you spend at home?

Secondly, I would not get into a habit of doing UA time at home, as this would likely lead to not doing UA time at all. It's too easy to brush it off and go into lounge mode.


I'll use an off-hand example here; going to a movie is not something that qualifies as UA time, but it is a favorite activity of my wife and I. So, rather than going to a movie being the bulk of a date, it is the centerpiece, and it is usually preceded by shopping or window shopping, then the movie, and then dinner/dessert/drinks afterward.

The good thing about this setup is that when we are having our meal, the movie drives conversation.


Anyway, a plan for home date may be set up in a similar fashion like so;

Shop for the meal together, and/or go for a drive for a bit.

Have the meal, both be active and talking during meal prep. Enjoy the meal.

Draw up and enjoy a hot bath together, and have a nice, quiet environment set up in the bedroom...


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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