Make sure you have all your ducks in a row with all the bills before you make a move. 1 email/text with everything summarized is best. You want to hit her with all at once. Make sure you list exactly how it needs to look the first time.

Take your time my man! Slow down. You have to be calculated with each move..not impulsive.

Remember the 24 hr rule I shared with you?

Thanks 20Year. I will send it.

Yes, but I have been thinking about finances for awhile. My ducks are in a row. I've budgeted. This is what I need from her to remain comfortable. And with her income - I think it is very fair.

Should I put "Love, me" at the end of the text? Or does that have no place in a text like this?

Odd,

You've done a lot of work in a short amount of time to bust up the affair. Good job!

I'd keep correspondence about bills very businesslike. Just a list of what you need and expect.

You're at the point now where you have to start shifting your attention away from her and back to yourself. This is challenging because you probably don't want to sit around and think too much about what's happening and how it all feels.

You have to let the work you've done play out. It might take a little time now for her world to start collapsing. Get out of the way of that as much as you can.

You may win her back and you may not. This is why bringing the focus back to yourself is crucial. Start unhooking a little from her and taking care of yourself so that no matter what happens here, you're in recovery...personal recovery.

Plan A with no expectations. It's really hard. What can you do today to feel better? Exercise? Hanging out with friends? Star emphasizing these kinds of activities to temper what's happening here.

No place.

So apparently WS texted my cousin asking him why I was going out of my way to make her life as hard as possible right now. Hah...

He responded by saying, and I'm kind of paraphrasing from memory -

"WS, you have to realize that he would have been supportive of the separation had you not jumped into bed with another man that you were obviously emotionally involved with before you left him. You really kicked him in the balls. He isn't doing anything illegal, or telling any lies, he is simply doing what he thinks is best. Many lesser men would have done much, much more. I try to give him advice, but it mostly falls on deaf ears. For what it's worth, and this has nothing to do with BS, it is purely my opinion - I think OM is very wrong for you, and you aren't going to find what you are looking for in him. Me and my girlfriend still really care about you, and we would love to go out to dinner sometime, just us three" (implying no OM allowed).

A few days later she texted back saying that she did want to go to dinner with them sometime.

edit: Also, an update on where I am emotionally. I really don't feel like I need to go get any AD medication anymore. I am able to focus at work. I haven't cried for a couple days, and I am feeling very STRONG. I feel like I am not going to take any crap. I am not going to move an inch. I feel like plan A has emotionally disconnected me from my wife in a lot of ways (my love bank for her is getting light). I feel like plan A has put me back in control of this situation, and I can objectively see the reality that I will come out on top no matter how this ends. The only part I feel insecure about now is the financial. I don't know how my wife is going to respond to my demands. But like one of you guys said - I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

Have you starte working out at all? Also, its a rollercoaster and they say that for a reason. Somedays myself personally I want to throw in the towel and go have a RA. Then the logical side of me kicks as well as the MB principles and I decide against it. "What would my son think" thats what keeps me in line. Guess what I am saying is prepare to be confused, befuddled and flabbergasted during Plan A. Do constructive things to keep your taker at bay.

Ya, it has been a roller coaster for sure! But the last 2 days I have felt more resolved than ever. I have been working out almost every day. This week I am trying to have plans after work every day.

Okay, she texted me back about the financial stuff.

"I would've switched my car payment over, but I can't access your account to do it. Either send me your info or what I need to switch it over in a branch. I thought I changed my student loan, I'll check it today. I'm not going to pay for the mortgages, they're in your name (This is not true, they are in both our names), I was happy to pay $650 for that room, but I can't pay my own rent and an additional $300/month for the homes that I'm not living in and aren't in my name."

How do you guys suggest I respond?

What I want to say:

"The mortgages are indeed under your name. It is not my problem that you can't pay rent and help with the mortgages. You have chosen to leave our house, not me. You are welcome to move back in with me if you are having financial issues. If you already changed the student loan over, then ignore my request concerning that. I will go to the credit union branch and make sure you have sufficient permissions to change the auto-pay over to your account. Again, I expect your car payment by Friday, and I expect a $300 payment for the houses on June 1st."

Um, I am not sure this is right but do you have a lawyer? If so its his/her job to communicate this type of stuff to her. I would provide the documentation of what you want and proof of the financial burdens in both of your names. I would have the lawyer draft a letter to her lawyer or her and send it certified mail with return receipt.

That type of stuff should be handled very business like. As a BH or husband, we have this innate sense of protecting our WWs. By doing this all laywer like you prevent yourself for falling for her womanly ways to manipulate you into complacency and agreeing to something that is irrational, illogical, and against your efforts. I wouldn't respond to the text because she knows they are in both your names and is trying to bait you into a he said/she said argument that will only withdraw love units. Which is against your plan, correct?

Actually I don't think she knows they're in both our names. I had her sign the *titles* over to me a few weeks ago. I think she thinks that means that she now has no responsibility for the mortgages... She is ill-informed.

As far as lawyers, I am pretty certain she doesn't have one. She cannot afford one.

I feel like I should clarify to her at least that the mortgages are indeed under her name.

I don't even know where she is staying. Should I say I need her current address so my lawyer knows where to send the letter?

Ugh, I feel like I'm treading on dangerous waters. I want to make sure I do the right thing here.

OM just sent me a major long e-mail. Basically admitting the affair, admitting that what he is doing is wrong, but that if WS wants to keep seeing him, he's not going to stop. He then went on to tell me how OVER it is between me and my wife, and that he knows there is no way in hell she will ever come back to me. That her leaving doesn't have anything to do with the last few months, that it has been a long time coming over the last 10 years. He thinks that if I heard it from him, that I would finally move on. He is subtly asking me to stop all the things I have been doing recently, that I am just pushing her farther away.

from the e-mail:

"Just know that from what I have been told by WS, if she does leave me, she is not coming home to you. For her, it's finished. Over. No matter how hard you try or how much you want her back, she is no longer in love with you and she doesnt want to come back."

I don't want to share his whole e-mail as he wanted me to not show anyone.. But I have to admit the e-mail was pretty demoralizing. He talks about how much he loves her, how happy he is with her, and how happy she is with him etc... BLEH

Should I consider responding to OM in any manner?

Well thats a tricky one and let your lawyer know that you do not know her whereabouts. Does she work? If so mail it there certified and return receipt. I feel she is fishing for an argument so she can run into POSOM arms for some relief and comfort. Because right now your everything that is wrong with her life in her fogged out mind. In order to do that she will start needless arguments and outburst and wait for you to engage.

I don't understand, why don't you just create a new separate account? Then you transfer your bills and any direct deposits to your new account, and inform your WS that she'd better tranfer auto-payments to her own account, because your closing the joint account and her charges/purchases will be NSF??

Don't feel bad about the POSOMS Email, if it makes you feel better, a heroin addict feels like the king of the world right after a hit, after awhile it fades, every junkie knows they will build a resistance and its going to get harder and harder to get that first "high" again.

My POSOM told my wife that she was ruined for me and that I would never ever ever take her back now that she was damaged goods. Its just another way to control his ill gotten gain.

Who cares what this POS thinks???

I may not respond or if I did it would to be letting him know that you have no intentions of giving up and will fight to the bitter end. Show him you are not going to roll over!!!

Obviously this is causing tension between them. GREAT!

Your plan is working.

In reference to the bills...a response could be that this is your postion and to request she complies as you do not want to take legal action but will be more than happy to do so. At the same time if she ends her relationship with POS then you will be more than thrilled to enter a program for recovery in which you create an amazing M together.

DO NOT GET SUCKED INTO THEIR DRAMA!!!!

Waiting for her to change account sourcing is passive and probably useless. Take the active role instead:

- Open a new account - XXXXXX.1 or something, only in your name.
- Have your paycheck and all other deposits go there.
- Close the first account.

It will now longer be your problem, but hers.

As for the other:

List the empty house "For Rent". You needn't get the entire monthly mortgage payment, just as much as possible to dull the pain.

BTW. Keep that email from OM. Nice of him to arm you with that. Certainly can come in handy down the road. What a nice guy.

This is what I am thinking of writing back to the OM.

OM, thanks for taking the time to write me. While I am sympathetic to your marital problems, they in no way excuse your actions. You've made it perfectly clear that you refuse to end your relationship with a married woman so long as she is willing to be with you, which tells me a lot about you. I don't really care what WS has told you about our relationship, or what she thinks about me now. I am not backing down, and will not back down. I will fight for the love of my life to the bitter end. You would be wise to end your relationship with WS, and never talk to her or see her again.

What do you guys think?

There..thats better. Less is more.