Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 40 of 59 1 2 38 39 40 41 42 58 59
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 513
O
Member
OP Offline
Member
O
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 513
Guys... My Dad just enlightened me to the fact that the e-mail he sent me shows him under the guise of the COMPANY HE WORKS FOR. My Dad thinks I have him. I can get him fired if I show the company he works for the e-mail and that he sent it under their company's name. My Dad wanted me to run it by you guys. I am going over to my Dad's house tonight to talk about the correct course of action. He seems to think I should contact the owner or ceo directly and present them the evidence. That I can now easily threaten a lawsuit to show that a representative of their company, under their name company name, is threatening my marriage.


Me: BH, 28
WW, 26
Married September 2005
D-Day: April 7, 2013
A started in February, 2013, and is ongoing
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 335
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 335
Originally Posted by zibbles
and know also that he's going home tonight with his blood boiling. just the way you want it...

Also know that they will be talking and thinking about you and not their "lurve affair" "Scummate" relationship tonight.


BH: 46
FWW: 44
3 DD: 20,17,11
Married 24 years
PA/EA: 5/08
DDay: 6/08
NC: 8/08
Previous EA 1998 confessed 8/08
In Recovery
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 517
R
RMX Offline
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 517
Pardon my Star Trek reference,

In the words of Khan when he was being hailed, "Let them eat static"

In other words, let the e-mails keep flowing in, don't respond, in fact let them pile up. Don't you think it would be more beneficial to you to fwd SEVERAL emails sent using company time to the HR department, than just one?

Don't feed that troll, he wants a reaction out of you.

He has the shovel, let him dig

Let them eat static!

Last edited by RMX; 05/13/13 04:02 PM.

FBH 34 me,FWW 34,
DS 14, OC-D 12 (given up for adoption), DS-8, DD-5
D-Day#1 10-12-1998
D-Day#2 2-10-2008
Recovered!
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 513
O
Member
OP Offline
Member
O
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 513
My wife texted me back after I got stern with the finances.

So you expect me to pay for homes that are no longer in my name? And how long am I supposed to do that? I have my own debts and responsibilities now, if you wanted me to continue to pay for those, you shouldn't have had me sign them over so quickly. I didn't intend to leave you with that debt, I was willing to work something out, but I know you can afford it, especially with cousin's help. If you ask me to continue to pay for the houses, I will just request alimony from you. I don't want to do that, I don't want anything from you, I just want to end this. I don't want to have any financial ties to you, positive or negative. I am not coming back, so lets just finish this. I am meeting with a notary tonight to sign my half of the paperwork

Should I just not respond?

Last edited by OddJob123; 05/13/13 04:59 PM.

Me: BH, 28
WW, 26
Married September 2005
D-Day: April 7, 2013
A started in February, 2013, and is ongoing
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,153
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,153
Don't respond to the OM as suggested. You said what you had to say.

Sit on WW email. Your bills are the bills you created together. She should be responsible for her part until the court decides. Her other bills and debts are her problem not yours.

She chose this path and should have thought that through before she did what she did.

Let her fall on her own sword.

Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,153
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,153
She needs to know this D will not be pretty. She has the idea that everyone will just walk away as she wants it. No deal.


Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 2,956
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 2,956
Quote
I don't want to share his whole e-mail as he wanted me to not show anyone..


seriously?!?!?!? faint

Since when does a betrayed spouse give a rat's _____ about what the OM does or doesn't want??

This has to take the cake...

committed

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by OddJob123
OM just wrote me back. This time I will NOT respond quickly... Here is what he has to say - obviously I angered him.

First off don't tell me what to do. I'm am adult and can make my own decisions. Second, you would be wise to know it's over. Cut your losses and move on. She doesn't love you. She's not coming back. And the more you try, the further she runs. You can fight till the bitter end, but the time to fight was LONG ago. Not just recently. You lost her a long time ago, and I am not sure you ever really had her the way you think you did. Im sure there were many times that were great, but those times are past. Im not making her stay with me, she's choosing to stay with me. But fight if you must, just know the end has come and gone for her, and will soon enough come for you as well.

"OM, I want to thank you for confirming your adultery via email. This will come in handy in the near future. Maybe you know that adultery illegal in our state?

I wouldn't be in your shoes for anything. Let me explain why. It is one thing to be with a spouse who has had an affair and has changed her ways. It is quite another to be with one who has NOT. You are getting the absolute worse side of Sally. A cheating married woman is no prize, my friend. What she did with you, she will do to you. It will be just a matter of time before she cheats on you too. You are delusional if you don't see this.

Do you know the statistics of affairs? 95% never make it to marriage, because they fall apart under 2 years. The ones that do end up married have a 75% divorce rate. The traits that make them possible, deceit, selfishness and thoughtlessness eventually make their way into the relationship and cause it to crumble. That is your future."


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: May 2013
Posts: 513
O
Member
OP Offline
Member
O
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 513
Originally Posted by committedandlovi
Quote
I don't want to share his whole e-mail as he wanted me to not show anyone..


seriously?!?!?!? faint

Since when does a betrayed spouse give a rat's _____ about what the OM does or doesn't want??

This has to take the cake...

committed

You're right. I think I have a misguided sense of honor. Here is his e-mail:

BS,

If you're reading this, it means I have sent it to you. I have thought long and hard about whether or not I should reach out to you. It's a hard situation that we're in, and I didnt want to complicate things or muddy up the water by interjecting, but I think it's best that I put my thoughts down on paper, specifically as it relates to you and I. I will be completely open and candid about my thoughts being 100% honest.

I dont know where or how to start, so I will simply start from the beginning, at least from my end. This is my side of the story and these will be my thoughts and feelings, not influenced by anyone else. I have told WS that I wanted to reach out to you, but not what I would say or any details, so you can rest assured that these are simply my thoughts. I know you have been in contact with my wife, as well as my parents, but I will ask that you keep our conversation between you and me and I trust that you will do so.

My wife is an amazing person. She is beautiful and fun, we laughed often and rarely fought. In fact, I can only think of a few occasions when we actually had an argument. She is really intelligent, and is one of the strongest women I know. To have gone through as many health struggles as she has the past few years and still have such a positive outlook on life is truly inspiring.

Things between us from an outside perspective were great! We were each other's best friend. We met while both participating on the UVU track team. She was young when we first started dating, and we were married before she was 19, by just a few months. We fell in love fast, but dated for about a year before we were married. I knew there were things about her that I would like to be done differently, like I always thought she was a little messy, and her parents warned me that she has always been that way, but I hoped that because I am cleanly and organized that she would catch on. I admit, I wasnt always my best at making sure things were always put away, but for the most part I was pretty good at it. She knew that was an area that I wanted her to be better at, and she did get better at it over time, but it is still an area that I wish could have been better. I never would say it to her face, because I dont think it would be taken very well, but my wife can be emotionally, and just in general, immature and manipulative. I often felt like I was being manipulated. I dont ask, and it's definitely not a requirement, but I would love for my wife to make dinner on a regular occasion. Wouldnt have to be everyday necessarily, but it makes me feel good and after a long day of work, it's nice to come home to a clean house and dinner. I love to cook, and I am okay cooking the meal if she's had a busy day, or cooking the meal together. But I dont want to come home every day and together brainstorm what we're gonna do, run to the store, try to figure it out and then take the time to prepare it, etc. It's too stressful. These are things I tried to communicate to her, but for some reason the message was either never interpreted, or I wasnt communicating things in a way that she could understand.

During the time that we dated, my parents worried that I would get myself in too much trouble because we were so physical. We had great chemistry. During the first several months of marriage, maybe almost a year, we had a fairly decent intimate life. Sex is not the most important thing to me, contrary to what the wife has been saying to you. Sex is important, yes. It's a part of a relationship that brings two people closer together. There is a difference between sex, which is a form of love, and lust - or purely sex. But I am not, and was not, willing to sacrifice my whole marriage simply so I could get off. My wife never really enjoyed sex, even from the first night. When she was handed tools to help her prepare for our wedding night, she basically threw them under the sink and did not use them to the extent that the doctor recommended. This made it for an uncomfortable wedding night - for both of us. During that first year we had a somewhat regular routine, although I am not sure how you gauge what regular is, because it's different for every couple. As the year went on and into the second year the frequency slowly started to dwindle. There were times when it was literally weeks, if not months, that we were not intimate. I tried a times to get her in the mood, but for her, cuddling and kissing was enough. Foreplay was almost always out of the question. She just didnt enjoy it. I guess it must have felt lustful or gross to her. So rather than warming up and getting ready, she would simply ask that we do it quick and get it over with. In December of 2011 her family decided that we were going to spend New Years 2012 in Mexico. We left the day after Christmas and returned after the new year. That was the last time that the wife and I were intimate. Almost two years ago. During the months that we were not intimate, I began to turn toward pornography because I wasnt being satisfied by my wife. I am not proud of it, but I did it. I thought I had tried as best I knew how to communicate to her that I was not happy with that part of our life, but it seemed to no avail. The end of May, first week of June 2012, my wife was diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer. She didnt even tell me. I heard from my parents, who were notified by her parents. I dont know why she didnt want to tell me she had cancer, if it was just shock, or she didnt want to scare me, or whatever it was. But she did not tell me. I took the news pretty hard.

During the next 3 or so weeks I was out of the office at work. I was at work when I found out, and I left work immediately. She had surgery a few days later, as soon as it was possible. I spent 9 days in the hospital with her. I didnt eat well, I didnt sleep well. I couldnt stand the thought of leaving her, and I didnt know what I would do if I lost her. It was during the next few months, between the two surgeries that I went to get several massages. I didnt go with the intent of getting "extras", but once when I was offered I accepted. I didnt know what to expect, but it felt good, and I was getting attention from a girl that I hadnt gotten in several months. I never went as far as getting a BJ, and certainly did not have sex with them. I wasnt proud of what I had done, but I knew that I hadnt been intimate with my wife for almost a year, not even oral or a hand job with a handful of exceptions, and I now was being told that it would be several months before her body would even be able to handle sex because of her surgeries. I confessed to my wife what I had done, and she of course was devastated. We attended a counselor who said that was my way of coping with her cancer and the thought of losing her. We tried to read books and get help where we could from outside sources. We confided in our bishop, I confided in my parents.

Things started to get better between she and I, we still didnt have sex, but there was an occasional intimate moment. My wife treatments went well, and she had completed chemotherapy by the first week of January 2013. We had a new puppy that her mom helped me pay for, because my wife really wanted a dog and the one she wanted was a little more than I was willing to pay for. Things were on the up, except for the intimate part of our life. She couldnt get herself to the point where she could feel comfortable being intimate - in any setting or way - because I had visited the girls at the massage parlor. My wife and I went over 17 months without being intimate. I dont care what you say, that is not a marriage. That's a friendship.

I had been at my new job at the "company name" for several weeks, if not months, before I ever had a conversation with WS. Of course I thought she was beautiful, but honestly I was intimidated by her. We had been speaking for several weeks before anything of how we were feeling in our marriages ever came up. When we both knew the other was unhappy we spoke about it a little more candidly. Neither of us had any intent of doing anything about it, and certainly there was no intent to have an affair. It was just nice to have someone who was in a similar situation to speak to about it. You were in the process of purchasing a new home and she told me that at some point you two had been trying to have a child, and that it had been a difficult process, one that you had been trying for for some time. I asked her why she was trying for a baby if she was unhappy and she told me it was because she hoped having a baby would help, give her some purpose and help make her happier in her marriage. We never hung out outside of work, with the exception of one time when we ran a quick errand together, just to talk a little more. We were in the middle of a good conversation, but it was time to go home for the day so we decided to run to the store together, but nothing happened other than conversation. I never wanted to ruin her marriage, and I certainly was not interested in a one-night stand with WS. I didnt want to ruin my marriage either.

When I got back from a week and a half long trip from Thailand she told me she had moved out. It was a week later that I went to the house to spend the night. Emotions were running high, and we both made a decision that has affected many more people than just the two of us. It has affected families and friendships and a whole lot more than that. It has caused my membership in the church to be in question. I admit that what I did was wrong, and that I should have done things differently. I should have ended my marriage with more integrity than I did.

As I said before, my wife is an amazing person. I honestly hope that she finds someone that will appreciate her for all of her qualities, the good ones and the bad ones, and that she will be happy. She deserves that. I love my wife. We make fantastic friends, we just are not good as a married couple because we cant fulfill each others needs. It takes two people for a marriage to work - and for that matter to fail. Both parties have to admit and accept fault in the situation. I know you are a logical and reasonable person. I dont want to get in the way of you trying to get your wife back. I dont blame you. I dont think WS handled the situation the best she could have either. From my perspective you were blindsided. But to provide some clarity, your marriage did not fail in a weekend. It was a culmination of the past 10 years. No amount of pleasure from a weekend affair is going to ruin a marriage to the extent it's broken. No matter how much I love my wife, or my wife loves me, we simply are not a good fit. We cannot fulfill each others needs and be completely happy.

I am not going to tell you to stop trying with WS, although from what I can tell the harder you try, the further she runs away. I am not telling WS anything in regards to her relationship with you either. I am not holding her hostage, she knows that if she wants to leave me she is more than welcome to go. Im not brainwashing her, we havent been planning this for months, hell, we didnt even really expect things to go as far as that weekend. I dont want to rush things with her, im not encouraging her to turn in divorce paperwork, or to move in with me, I am just allowing her to make her decisions herself. If she chooses to spend time with me I gladly accept that. She's an amazing woman and I honestly love her. But I think it's important for you to know that I try not to speak to her about your relationship. Yes this is an affair, and we should probably not have a relationship until both our marriages are final, but I am not going to not see her if she chooses to see me. I love to spend time with her.

Again, I dont want you to think I have some control or power over her, or that I am just in it for the sex. That's not the reason I love to spend time with her. I am happier with her than I have ever been and she tells me that she is happy too. Should things continue to go well between she and I, great. But if they dont, we'll chalk it up to a good learning experience and move on. Just know that from what I have been told by WS, if she does leave me, she is not coming home to you. For her, it's finished. Over. No matter how hard you try or how much you want her back, she is no longer in love with you and she doesnt want to come back. I know that's hard to hear. And I dont want you to think that I am the one telling her all these things, I just hope that hearing it from yet another person will finally allow it to click in your head that it's over.

I hate that it had to be this way. I hate that I had to reach out to you. But know this: I love my wife and her family. I dont want to speak ill of her or of any of her family. What I did was wrong, and I should have handled my situation differently. I think what WS did was wrong and she should also have done things differently. But we are all adults and we can make decisions for ourselves. I am not going to tell WS to stop things with me, she is able to make her own decisions, as am I. And so are you and my wife. But it's time to move on. You will not win her back with any amount of coercion or persuasion. WS is a strong-minded woman, and will do whatever she wants. You know that about her. Again, I know it's hard to let her go, but you will not be happy and you will not be able to move on with your life, until you realize that your failed marriage has been a culmination of a lot longer than the past two months. It's been a long time coming. Im sorry you didnt realize it earlier, but I dont know what to say about that.

I will not give you my cell phone, I dont want to be inundated with calls or texts or emails from you or your friends or family. But feel free to respond via email and I may or may not respond.

Hope this doesnt fall on deaf ears

Last edited by OddJob123; 05/13/13 05:50 PM.

Me: BH, 28
WW, 26
Married September 2005
D-Day: April 7, 2013
A started in February, 2013, and is ongoing
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 2,956
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 2,956
Thousands of copies dropped from an airplane over the city seems appropriate for some reason. shocked

committed


Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 357
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 357
That email OM sent is just embarrassing...the details of his sex life with his wife ?? Seriously ??? I feel badly for his BW. What a creep this guy is. He is nobody's prize.


me: FWW/BW
Married 20 years, 4 kids
We made it.
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Close that account and open another one. She'll find out soon enough. You won't need to text her.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: May 2013
Posts: 513
O
Member
OP Offline
Member
O
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 513
Originally Posted by FindingFreedom
That email OM sent is just embarrassing...the details of his sex life with his wife ?? Seriously ??? I feel badly for his BW. What a creep this guy is. He is nobody's prize.

I know... How can my wife not see this? This guy is a BOY. Not a man. Maybe my wife just prefers dysfunction?

Since my wife pulled out the alimony card, I am going to call my lawyer tomorrow and ask if she even has a case for alimony, and if I have a case to get her to help pay for my mortgages.


Me: BH, 28
WW, 26
Married September 2005
D-Day: April 7, 2013
A started in February, 2013, and is ongoing
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by OddJob123
[

Since my wife pulled out the alimony card, I am going to call my lawyer tomorrow and ask if she even has a case for alimony, and if I have a case to get her to help pay for my mortgages.

Alimony is probably not available when there is adultery. And you have the OM's admission of his own adultery. Thank you, OM! laugh


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
While I agree with not honoring OMs request, let me point out that by posting his letter here, you have just confirmed your identity here for him, should he ever come Googling.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,708
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,708
The email is a text book case of Dr. Harley's recipe for an affair.

Spend time alone with someone at work. Mention marriage issues. Go off (errand) together (recreational companionship). Miss OP while one of you is traveling and immediately reunite and have sex and then believe you are happier than you have ever been.

Surviving An Affair textbook example of the chain of events.

Stick to the Marriage Builders Plan and in the end you will either have a recovered marriage or know you did all you could do and be proud of your focus to try to save it.

Talking to an attorney is very smart right now too.







Joined: May 2013
Posts: 513
O
Member
OP Offline
Member
O
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 513
Originally Posted by markos
While I agree with not honoring OMs request, let me point out that by posting his letter here, you have just confirmed your identity here for him, should he ever come Googling.

Do you think I should have the post removed? I seriously doubt this guy is smart enough to ever find this thread.


Me: BH, 28
WW, 26
Married September 2005
D-Day: April 7, 2013
A started in February, 2013, and is ongoing
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 549
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 549
what a turd, that OM is. Really starting off with Domestic support as a major complaint about his BW. Seriously?! Sounds like my WH at the height of his addiction. He now says all those things were stupid.

OJ. Lawyer up and threaten suits. Stop trying to figure your wife out. Just stop. She is not your wife, she is an alien wayward wife. One day she will snap out of it.

Plan A, plan A, plan A... carrot and stick. OK. What carrots do you have planned?


Me BW: 30
WH: 33
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Originally Posted by OddJob123
Guys... My Dad just enlightened me to the fact that the e-mail he sent me shows him under the guise of the COMPANY HE WORKS FOR. My Dad thinks I have him. I can get him fired if I show the company he works for the e-mail and that he sent it under their company's name. My Dad wanted me to run it by you guys. I am going over to my Dad's house tonight to talk about the correct course of action. He seems to think I should contact the owner or ceo directly and present them the evidence. That I can now easily threaten a lawsuit to show that a representative of their company, under their name company name, is threatening my marriage.



Yes your father is correct. Dr Harley encourages workplace exposure.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
Originally Posted by OddJob123
Guys... My Dad just enlightened me to the fact that the e-mail he sent me shows him under the guise of the COMPANY HE WORKS FOR. My Dad thinks I have him. I can get him fired if I show the company he works for the e-mail and that he sent it under their company's name. My Dad wanted me to run it by you guys. I am going over to my Dad's house tonight to talk about the correct course of action. He seems to think I should contact the owner or ceo directly and present them the evidence. That I can now easily threaten a lawsuit to show that a representative of their company, under their name company name, is threatening my marriage.



Yes your father is correct. Dr Harley encourages workplace exposure.

AGREE. Move in for the kill.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Page 40 of 59 1 2 38 39 40 41 42 58 59

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 39 guests, and 52 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
MikaylaVaux, I.P., Alex82, Dezzeiemm, love spells
71,725 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,545
Posts2,322,787
Members71,726
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5