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Originally Posted by OddJob123
Originally Posted by committedandlovi
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I don't want to share his whole e-mail as he wanted me to not show anyone..


seriously?!?!?!? faint

Since when does a betrayed spouse give a rat's _____ about what the OM does or doesn't want??

This has to take the cake...

committed

You're right. I think I have a misguided sense of honor. Here is his e-mail:

BS,

If you're reading this, it means I have sent it to you. I have thought long and hard about whether or not I should reach out to you. It's a hard situation that we're in, and I didnt want to complicate things or muddy up the water by interjecting, but I think it's best that I put my thoughts down on paper, specifically as it relates to you and I. I will be completely open and candid about my thoughts being 100% honest.

I dont know where or how to start, so I will simply start from the beginning, at least from my end. This is my side of the story and these will be my thoughts and feelings, not influenced by anyone else. I have told WS that I wanted to reach out to you, but not what I would say or any details, so you can rest assured that these are simply my thoughts. I know you have been in contact with my wife, as well as my parents, but I will ask that you keep our conversation between you and me and I trust that you will do so.

My wife is an amazing person. She is beautiful and fun, we laughed often and rarely fought. In fact, I can only think of a few occasions when we actually had an argument. She is really intelligent, and is one of the strongest women I know. To have gone through as many health struggles as she has the past few years and still have such a positive outlook on life is truly inspiring.

Things between us from an outside perspective were great! We were each other's best friend. We met while both participating on the UVU track team. She was young when we first started dating, and we were married before she was 19, by just a few months. We fell in love fast, but dated for about a year before we were married. I knew there were things about her that I would like to be done differently, like I always thought she was a little messy, and her parents warned me that she has always been that way, but I hoped that because I am cleanly and organized that she would catch on. I admit, I wasnt always my best at making sure things were always put away, but for the most part I was pretty good at it. She knew that was an area that I wanted her to be better at, and she did get better at it over time, but it is still an area that I wish could have been better. I never would say it to her face, because I dont think it would be taken very well, but my wife can be emotionally, and just in general, immature and manipulative. I often felt like I was being manipulated. I dont ask, and it's definitely not a requirement, but I would love for my wife to make dinner on a regular occasion. Wouldnt have to be everyday necessarily, but it makes me feel good and after a long day of work, it's nice to come home to a clean house and dinner. I love to cook, and I am okay cooking the meal if she's had a busy day, or cooking the meal together. But I dont want to come home every day and together brainstorm what we're gonna do, run to the store, try to figure it out and then take the time to prepare it, etc. It's too stressful. These are things I tried to communicate to her, but for some reason the message was either never interpreted, or I wasnt communicating things in a way that she could understand.

During the time that we dated, my parents worried that I would get myself in too much trouble because we were so physical. We had great chemistry. During the first several months of marriage, maybe almost a year, we had a fairly decent intimate life. Sex is not the most important thing to me, contrary to what the wife has been saying to you. Sex is important, yes. It's a part of a relationship that brings two people closer together. There is a difference between sex, which is a form of love, and lust - or purely sex. But I am not, and was not, willing to sacrifice my whole marriage simply so I could get off. My wife never really enjoyed sex, even from the first night. When she was handed tools to help her prepare for our wedding night, she basically threw them under the sink and did not use them to the extent that the doctor recommended. This made it for an uncomfortable wedding night - for both of us. During that first year we had a somewhat regular routine, although I am not sure how you gauge what regular is, because it's different for every couple. As the year went on and into the second year the frequency slowly started to dwindle. There were times when it was literally weeks, if not months, that we were not intimate. I tried a times to get her in the mood, but for her, cuddling and kissing was enough. Foreplay was almost always out of the question. She just didnt enjoy it. I guess it must have felt lustful or gross to her. So rather than warming up and getting ready, she would simply ask that we do it quick and get it over with. In December of 2011 her family decided that we were going to spend New Years 2012 in Mexico. We left the day after Christmas and returned after the new year. That was the last time that the wife and I were intimate. Almost two years ago. During the months that we were not intimate, I began to turn toward pornography because I wasnt being satisfied by my wife. I am not proud of it, but I did it. I thought I had tried as best I knew how to communicate to her that I was not happy with that part of our life, but it seemed to no avail. The end of May, first week of June 2012, my wife was diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer. She didnt even tell me. I heard from my parents, who were notified by her parents. I dont know why she didnt want to tell me she had cancer, if it was just shock, or she didnt want to scare me, or whatever it was. But she did not tell me. I took the news pretty hard.

During the next 3 or so weeks I was out of the office at work. I was at work when I found out, and I left work immediately. She had surgery a few days later, as soon as it was possible. I spent 9 days in the hospital with her. I didnt eat well, I didnt sleep well. I couldnt stand the thought of leaving her, and I didnt know what I would do if I lost her. It was during the next few months, between the two surgeries that I went to get several massages. I didnt go with the intent of getting "extras", but once when I was offered I accepted. I didnt know what to expect, but it felt good, and I was getting attention from a girl that I hadnt gotten in several months. I never went as far as getting a BJ, and certainly did not have sex with them. I wasnt proud of what I had done, but I knew that I hadnt been intimate with my wife for almost a year, not even oral or a hand job with a handful of exceptions, and I now was being told that it would be several months before her body would even be able to handle sex because of her surgeries. I confessed to my wife what I had done, and she of course was devastated. We attended a counselor who said that was my way of coping with her cancer and the thought of losing her. We tried to read books and get help where we could from outside sources. We confided in our bishop, I confided in my parents.

Things started to get better between she and I, we still didnt have sex, but there was an occasional intimate moment. My wife treatments went well, and she had completed chemotherapy by the first week of January 2013. We had a new puppy that her mom helped me pay for, because my wife really wanted a dog and the one she wanted was a little more than I was willing to pay for. Things were on the up, except for the intimate part of our life. She couldnt get herself to the point where she could feel comfortable being intimate - in any setting or way - because I had visited the girls at the massage parlor. My wife and I went over 17 months without being intimate. I dont care what you say, that is not a marriage. That's a friendship.

I had been at my new job at the "company name" for several weeks, if not months, before I ever had a conversation with WS. Of course I thought she was beautiful, but honestly I was intimidated by her. We had been speaking for several weeks before anything of how we were feeling in our marriages ever came up. When we both knew the other was unhappy we spoke about it a little more candidly. Neither of us had any intent of doing anything about it, and certainly there was no intent to have an affair. It was just nice to have someone who was in a similar situation to speak to about it. You were in the process of purchasing a new home and she told me that at some point you two had been trying to have a child, and that it had been a difficult process, one that you had been trying for for some time. I asked her why she was trying for a baby if she was unhappy and she told me it was because she hoped having a baby would help, give her some purpose and help make her happier in her marriage. We never hung out outside of work, with the exception of one time when we ran a quick errand together, just to talk a little more. We were in the middle of a good conversation, but it was time to go home for the day so we decided to run to the store together, but nothing happened other than conversation. I never wanted to ruin her marriage, and I certainly was not interested in a one-night stand with WS. I didnt want to ruin my marriage either.

When I got back from a week and a half long trip from Thailand she told me she had moved out. It was a week later that I went to the house to spend the night. Emotions were running high, and we both made a decision that has affected many more people than just the two of us. It has affected families and friendships and a whole lot more than that. It has caused my membership in the church to be in question. I admit that what I did was wrong, and that I should have done things differently. I should have ended my marriage with more integrity than I did.

As I said before, my wife is an amazing person. I honestly hope that she finds someone that will appreciate her for all of her qualities, the good ones and the bad ones, and that she will be happy. She deserves that. I love my wife. We make fantastic friends, we just are not good as a married couple because we cant fulfill each others needs. It takes two people for a marriage to work - and for that matter to fail. Both parties have to admit and accept fault in the situation. I know you are a logical and reasonable person. I dont want to get in the way of you trying to get your wife back. I dont blame you. I dont think WS handled the situation the best she could have either. From my perspective you were blindsided. But to provide some clarity, your marriage did not fail in a weekend. It was a culmination of the past 10 years. No amount of pleasure from a weekend affair is going to ruin a marriage to the extent it's broken. No matter how much I love my wife, or my wife loves me, we simply are not a good fit. We cannot fulfill each others needs and be completely happy.

I am not going to tell you to stop trying with WS, although from what I can tell the harder you try, the further she runs away. I am not telling WS anything in regards to her relationship with you either. I am not holding her hostage, she knows that if she wants to leave me she is more than welcome to go. Im not brainwashing her, we havent been planning this for months, hell, we didnt even really expect things to go as far as that weekend. I dont want to rush things with her, im not encouraging her to turn in divorce paperwork, or to move in with me, I am just allowing her to make her decisions herself. If she chooses to spend time with me I gladly accept that. She's an amazing woman and I honestly love her. But I think it's important for you to know that I try not to speak to her about your relationship. Yes this is an affair, and we should probably not have a relationship until both our marriages are final, but I am not going to not see her if she chooses to see me. I love to spend time with her.

Again, I dont want you to think I have some control or power over her, or that I am just in it for the sex. That's not the reason I love to spend time with her. I am happier with her than I have ever been and she tells me that she is happy too. Should things continue to go well between she and I, great. But if they dont, we'll chalk it up to a good learning experience and move on. Just know that from what I have been told by WS, if she does leave me, she is not coming home to you. For her, it's finished. Over. No matter how hard you try or how much you want her back, she is no longer in love with you and she doesnt want to come back. I know that's hard to hear. And I dont want you to think that I am the one telling her all these things, I just hope that hearing it from yet another person will finally allow it to click in your head that it's over.

I hate that it had to be this way. I hate that I had to reach out to you. But know this: I love my wife and her family. I dont want to speak ill of her or of any of her family. What I did was wrong, and I should have handled my situation differently. I think what WS did was wrong and she should also have done things differently. But we are all adults and we can make decisions for ourselves. I am not going to tell WS to stop things with me, she is able to make her own decisions, as am I. And so are you and my wife. But it's time to move on. You will not win her back with any amount of coercion or persuasion. WS is a strong-minded woman, and will do whatever she wants. You know that about her. Again, I know it's hard to let her go, but you will not be happy and you will not be able to move on with your life, until you realize that your failed marriage has been a culmination of a lot longer than the past two months. It's been a long time coming. Im sorry you didnt realize it earlier, but I dont know what to say about that.

I will not give you my cell phone, I dont want to be inundated with calls or texts or emails from you or your friends or family. But feel free to respond via email and I may or may not respond.

Hope this doesnt fall on deaf ears

Don't listen to his nonsense.
Expos� the affair

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Originally Posted by BetrayedP
what a turd, that OM is. Really starting off with Domestic support as a major complaint about his BW. Seriously?! Sounds like my WH at the height of his addiction. He now says all those things were stupid.

OJ. Lawyer up and threaten suits. Stop trying to figure your wife out. Just stop. She is not your wife, she is an alien wayward wife. One day she will snap out of it.

Plan A, plan A, plan A... carrot and stick. OK. What carrots do you have planned?

Carrots are really tough right now because my wife does not want to talk to me. I am going to invite her to a party this weekend, but that's all I got. Any ideas are appreciated.

I am still trying to figure out how to approach the company. Not sure if I should try to approach the ceo/owner myself with this e-mail OM sent me, or if I should have a lawyer do it.


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Originally Posted by OddJob123
[

I am still trying to figure out how to approach the company. Not sure if I should try to approach the ceo/owner myself with this e-mail OM sent me, or if I should have a lawyer do it.

I would wrap it up with a nice little letter patterned after the letter Brits Brat wrote in my exposure thread and send copies to the CEO and their HR Director telling them he is having an affair with your wife and using company resources to harass you. Include a copy of the letter with the header. Send it certified mail to at least 2 officials and cc them on the letter.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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BH (MB librarian) might have a link to a thread with some plan A suggestions. Does your wife like flowers? Maybe a bouquet and a card that says I'm willing to fight for you. I'm sure the others will say not to lay it on too thick, just a little at a time.

Re the CEO, maybe email him and let him know you will be talking to your lawyers. They may fire him right off the bat.


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ya, do what Melody Lane says!


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Note that I have already tried mailing the company almost 2 weeks ago, and I have not heard back. I am hoping that this e-mail that he sent me as a "company name" representative will have some more weight.


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Originally Posted by BetrayedP
BH (MB librarian) might have a link to a thread with some plan A suggestions. Does your wife like flowers? Maybe a bouquet and a card that says I'm willing to fight for you. I'm sure the others will say not to lay it on too thick, just a little at a time.

Re the CEO, maybe email him and let him know you will be talking to your lawyers. They may fire him right off the bat.
Here are some good ones.
For the BH... be the husband your wife needs


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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re: OM's letter.

It amazes me how people can try to justify an A...This guy is a complete tool.

I would pick apart his letter line by line but no need to. He does it all by himself.

Give YOU advice?? Just laughable...

Expose the HECK out of it to his work place. Not many BS's get this kind of gift served up on a silver platter.

Go for it.


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And as an aside......

is your wife a super good 'housekeeper' and or cook?

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Originally Posted by reading
And as an aside......

is your wife a super good 'housekeeper' and or cook?

She made me dinner about 1/3 of the time. She is a decent house keeper. Nothing to write home about - which I didn't really care, since she worked as well, and contributed more to house keeping than I did.

I am thinking about having some flowers delivered to her today with a message that says:

Did you really think I would give up on you so easily? I am fighting for you and our marriage. I guess it's just my Kinsely nature.

So you understand the reference, she always called my "kinsels" when she was in a silly mood - it is my nick name she gave me. And if I was ever acting "strange", or did something she considered strange, she would always tell me - "ooh, it's just your kinsely nature!"

Think flowers delivered, and that message is a good idea today? I haven't given her a carrot in awhile....


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Originally Posted by OddJob123
Think flowers delivered, and that message is a good idea today? I haven't given her a carrot in awhile....

Personally, I say yes. Even though her head is in the clouds showing her you care is a good idea.

Maybe more of a 'Hope this brightens your day. Thinking of you' on the card...

I made a lot of effort winning my FWW's heart back. Flowers were part of that.

Remember you can only control you. You don't want to look back in 5 years (If your M doesn't make it) and have regrets reflecting that you didn't do all you COULD have done to show her you care.


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See even though she is resistant right now, you showing her care creates conflict within her. AND with OM.


Even if she throws the flowers in the trash�who cares. That is her choice. You are just being the best OJ you can be.

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Well, her OM will see the flowers, since he works right next to her, hah.


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Flowers ordered. I talked to the lawyer. He suggests I try to get in touch with the company owner/ceo myself before he sends any letters. I need to figure out how to do this... I'm worried if I just walk into the place I may cause a scene.

The lawyer also said there is NO way she is going to get alimony under the circumstances.

I need to really think about how I am going to get a hold of the company superiors...


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If it's a corporation you can pull the corporate roster and contact the officers in the corporation.

Not sure how large the company is.


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My Dad just made a suggestion, that I should write a letter, make 50 copies, and put a letter on each windshield of every car in the parking lot of her business. Exposing the affair to everyone there. Do you guys think I should do this if talking to the CEO's proves unsuccessful?

Visc - it's a small company.. Not sure if they are incorporated. I will see if I can find out.

Last edited by OddJob123; 05/14/13 08:36 AM.

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http://starpas.azcc.gov/scripts/cgiip.exe/WService=wsbroker1/connect.p?app=names-report.p

This appears to be the corporate search site for Arizona Gov. I'm not familiar with it, but I've used the VA, FL, NC, and TN versions for my own research.

You have to find out where the business is incorporated (if it is) and look for the corporate registration in the state of origin.



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It looks like they are not incorporated.


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Originally Posted by OddJob123
My Dad just made a suggestion, that I should write a letter, make 50 copies, and put a letter on each windshield of every car in the parking lot of her business. Exposing the affair to everyone there. Do you guys think I should do this if talking to the CEO's proves unsuccessful?

Visc - it's a small company.. Not sure if they are incorporated. I will see if I can find out.

OJ- As attractive as this idea is, truthfully that sounds a little psyco in my book.

Expose to the CEO with the text here on MB for exposure then see what happens.


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Originally Posted by OddJob123
My Dad just made a suggestion, that I should write a letter, make 50 copies, and put a letter on each windshield of every car in the parking lot of her business. Exposing the affair to everyone there. Do you guys think I should do this if talking to the CEO's proves unsuccessful?

Visc - it's a small company.. Not sure if they are incorporated. I will see if I can find out.

No, that would be extreme and make you look like the crazy one.

I haven't had a chance to read through this whole thread, so I don't know exactly who you sent a letter to.

But, the standard method of workplace exposure goes something like this...

You write a letter simply stating that they are in an inappropriate relationship that is likely counter to the sexual harassment policy and taking up company time and resources. Then sign the letter, anonymous letters are usually discounted.

Send a copy certified mail to their immediate supervisors, HR, and the CEO and make sure everyone knows who is carbon copied on the letter. That way there is no rug-sweeping.

Call the CEO personally in a couple weeks to follow up and aske what the company plans to do about the situation.

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