I'm new to the board, and have spent the last few day's reading through everything - not just in the discussion forum, but as much info as I can from the site in general.
My question is: Is the discussion's in the forum specifically for those who have survived an affair as the betrayed spouse? or can the "wayward" spouse's post and ask for advice as well?

Thanks!

Yes, certainly! Welcome to Marriage Builders.

both for betrayed spouses and former wayward spouses

Welcome to MB.

Absolutely!

Best to start here;

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5059_qa.html

Mrs_cem,

My question is: Is the discussion's in the forum specifically for those who have survived an affair as the betrayed spouse?

Yes and for free!

Or you can pay a marriage counselor $100 an hour to prolong your pain and end your marriage.

God Bless
Gamma

Welcome to the forum!
We are glad you are here.
We are pro healthy-happy-marriage.
That about sums it up.

You are not quite 4 months into the process.
How's it going?

My H and I have been married 9 years this July, we have two children and are both 36. I am the WW, my affair lasted 9 weeks.
During the last 8 1/2 years, leading up to the affair, my H was very for lack of a better word "in to himself", he paid next to no attention to me, was un-affectionate (seemd to cringe at touch) and had what I can only guess as to some form of "Sexual Anorexia", intimacy between was as long as three years without.
I had set up numerous sessions with marriage therapists only to have him go once and the refuse to go again, I was open with him about my sadness and feelings on his behaviour towards me - it all added up to nothing.
I'm Feb of this year, I got a msg from an old friend (one I'd known for 15 years) asking me to go have a coffee - I did, I thought nothing of going BUT that was the start.
Without going into the griddy details to much - my H found out, I was honest with him, I never denied or tried to hide it. He began divorce proceedings and permanent custody orders immediatley. The OM threatened to end it with me,if I refused to move in with him. I realized I didn't love the OM, that I wanted my family back. My H agreed to try a reconcilliation under certain conditions - I was to have NO contact either direct or indirect with OM, I got rid of my facebook account, changed my cell number, gave H access to my email/bank accounts and phone, I signed the legal seperation he drafted to "feel safe", I've given him total disclosure. I've accepted what I did, I haven't "passed" blame, I've done EVERY THING my H has asked and yet it seems to not be enough - I don't know what else I can do, I get it that he's hurt and angry and it will take time, but I feel like I'm never going to stop being punished for it.

Thank you for the replies! I wasn't sure and certainly didn't want to step on toes by posting if I shouldn't be.

- Pepper - thank you for asking, I posted a bit on "our" story.

Hi MrsCen, it sounds you have taken the first steps towards recovery but stopped there. The next step has to be to create a happy, romantic marriage. OTHERWISE, you will be left with a crippled version of the pre-affair marriage. His resentment will grow every year and so will your unhappiness.

But you don't have to be like this if you follow this program to the letter. The program will help you fall in love again. Do you have the book Survivng an Affair?

A couple more questions:

1. have you ended ALL - I do mean ALL - contact with the OM?

2. is the OM married, and if so, did your husband inform his wife?

3. have you given your husband all the facts about the affair?

4. will your husband come here and let us help him?

Yes, I have ended ALL contact with OM - different phone number, email address, we don't socialize with the same groups. He was not married or attached at the time.I have given all the details as my H has asked - I wasn't sure if I should volunteer what's not brought up? My H is here on the website, he's the one who initially sent me the links and asked me to start reading.

Um yes, you should volunteer everything. Your BH is already terribly damaged by what you did, and the damage from "trickle truth" is even worse. Every time he thinks he knows everything, and can think about healing, BOOM something else comes along. Get it all out in the open, so he can begin to heal.

Glad you're both here - it's the best place to be, under the circumstances.

Does he have a posting name?

This is pretty typical. Love bank draining plus opportunity to connect with an old "friend". Love bank deposits are made. Adultery ensues. You understand the dynamics, right?


BH's love bank was already also very close to empty. You understand that as well, right?


What a hero.


If OM had not thrown you under the bus, you may have been willing to keep your love bank open to OM.

Adultery is wrong. Even if you still carried "love" for OM, it would still be wrong.
This is the principle that will protect your family/marriage.
"I did not really love OM" offers ZERO protection in the future !!!
Think about that.


A BIG MISTAKE is to start the clock on your BH's wounds, and tell him he is not healing fast enough.

Mrs Cen, do you have Kindle?

You need to get a copy of Surviving An Affair. Your "recovery Bible".

Kindle SAA

Or, you can purchase it as a regular book.

How far away does he live?

It is important that your husband has all the facts about the affair. So if there is anything important that he doesn't know, I would get it out now. What he doesn't know, he will wonder about and that will keep him thinking about hte affair. You don't want that. There should be no secrets between you and OM that your H is not privy to.

Does your husband post here?

Mrs_cen,

I wasn't sure if I should volunteer what's not brought up?

I think you answered your own question if you feel guilty about what your haven't told him then get all of it out all at once.

You don't want to have your BH ask you questions that pop into his head 5 years from now and be devastated, there can be no more secrets between you and OM your marriage is more important.

God Bless
Gamma

[video:youtube][/video]

Infidelity: What every couple should know.


What every MB forum poster should watch.

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