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For today, what are you doing to try to meet her top three emotional needs?
Please describe in detail.

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Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
For today, what are you doing to try to meet her top three emotional needs?
Please describe in detail.

Top 3

Honesty and openness - I account for where I have been, what I have been doing everyday.
Intimate Conversation - I always ask how work was, try and bring up topics of discussion. I try to engage in anything my wife wants to discuss.
Recreational Companionship - Right now, I am offering to get out of the house and go to dinner, go for walks, anything...but she does not want to do any of them with me.

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Originally Posted by Pepperband
Originally Posted by Husband1983
Another thing, I am scheduled to leave town on Thursday and not return until Saturday. Should I cancel this trip and stay home to focus on my relationship? Even if she doesn't want me to?
YES

Also Pep, I know the OM she is texting, he is a former coworker and a friend of ours. Do I need to confront him about the issue?

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Originally Posted by Husband1983
Honesty and openness - I account for where I have been, what I have been doing everyday.

Buy an inexpensive note book.
Every page is one day.
Jot down where you went, what you did, how long you were there, and how much money you spent.

Quote
Intimate Conversation - I always ask how work was, try and bring up topics of discussion. I try to engage in anything my wife wants to discuss.

"What can I do for you today?" <~~~ daily question
"Are you hurting today?"
"Is there anything I can do to help you heal?"


Quote
Recreational Companionship - Right now, I am offering to get out of the house and go to dinner, go for walks, anything...but she does not want to do any of them with me.

Make dinner. Bring home dinner. make coffee. Bring home Starbucks.
Offer to take her shopping.
Buy her a DVD or CD.
Buy concert tickets (unless you think it would piss her off that you spent $$$)

Just brainstorming .... you don't need to reply.

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Originally Posted by Husband1983
Also Pep, I know the OM she is texting, he is a former coworker and a friend of ours. Do I need to confront him about the issue?

What is his situation? Married? If he is, contact his wife first.

I want you to encourage you to contact OM and tell him that your marriage recovery is being hindered by his deepening relationship with your wife.

This is a great idea.

Do this more than once.
Your BW won't like it, but it will send a message to her that you are willing to protect your M. So, I say YES.

Edit to add:

Telling OM "Cut it out" is a hundred times better than saying those words to your wife. (in your precarious situation)

Last edited by Pepperband; 05/21/13 01:43 PM.
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Originally Posted by Pepperband
Originally Posted by Husband1983
Also Pep, I know the OM she is texting, he is a former coworker and a friend of ours. Do I need to confront him about the issue?

What is his situation? Married? If he is, contact his wife first.

I want you to encourage you to contact OM and tell him that your marriage recovery is being hindered by his deepening relationship with your wife.

This is a great idea.

Do this more than once.
Your BW won't like it, but it will send a message to her that you are willing to protect your M. So, I say YES.

Edit to add:

Telling OM "Cut it out" is a hundred times better than saying those words to your wife. (in your precarious situation)

He is single, I know he has slept with two other coworkers at my wife's previous workplace. He left and got a job in a different location. Still lives close in the area. He has been a good friend to us. But now since she is texting him to come to places where I will not be I am becoming more and more concerned.

Last edited by Husband1983; 05/21/13 01:52 PM.
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Put a hidden GPS on your wife's auto.

Quote
lives close in the area

Think of it as insurance.


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Originally Posted by Pepperband
Originally Posted by Husband1983
Honesty and openness - I account for where I have been, what I have been doing everyday.

Buy an inexpensive note book.
Every page is one day.
Jot down where you went, what you did, how long you were there, and how much money you spent.

I tried this yesterday and my wife hated the idea. She said she didn't want to be married to someone she had to keep tabs on. I have no idea how to display honesty and openness to her right now.

Quote
Intimate Conversation - I always ask how work was, try and bring up topics of discussion. I try to engage in anything my wife wants to discuss.

"What can I do for you today?" <~~~ daily question
"Are you hurting today?"
"Is there anything I can do to help you heal?"

I continue to ask her daily if there is anything I can do for you. She always brings something up and I do it for it.

Quote
Recreational Companionship - Right now, I am offering to get out of the house and go to dinner, go for walks, anything...but she does not want to do any of them with me.

Make dinner. Bring home dinner. make coffee. Bring home Starbucks.
Offer to take her shopping.
Buy her a DVD or CD.
Buy concert tickets (unless you think it would piss her off that you spent $$$)

Just brainstorming .... you don't need to reply.

I offered some ideas but she wants nothing to do with me.

I discussed last night about MB and if she would go to this website to look over somethings for me. She refused and have zero interest in it. I told her I was canceling my trip this weekend and she hated the idea. Told me I had to go because it was my job. I told her being with my family was more important than my job right now.

I asked if I could go on the float trip with her or if she would be interested in going away with me for the weekend. She said a strong "no" to the ideas and informed me if I kept asking to join her she was going to get irritated and start yelling at me.

She said she had zero interest working on the marriage, she has mentally and emotional checked out.

I can't stop her from going out. I just said I would like to spend more time together and not create independent behaviors. She said she didn't care what I thought. She also pointed out to me that I lost right to know who she was going out with and where.

She informed me that she felt smothered in the house and feels a separation is what she wants to find out if she wants me in her life.

I am so down right now. My brother is doing a great job talking with me. He has informed me to keep in mind three things, 1) I hurt very badly, 2) She wants me to hurt very badly, 3)This is going to take a very long time.

I explained to him about the text messages to the OM and he explained to me if that is what she is going to do to get back at you (Cheat) then I better be ready to take her back because that is what I am asking her to do for me.

I am emotional and mentally drained today. I feel numb and hopeless.

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Originally Posted by Husband1983
She said she had zero interest working on the marriage, she has mentally and emotional checked out.


She informed me that she felt smothered in the house and feels a separation is what she wants to find out if she wants me in her life.


This was my fear. You have a big mountain to climb.

Your W is obviously very hurt by your actions. Don't blame her one bit. I can relate to her feelings and thoughts. Your LB balance with her is probably in the red.

Most likely she is in withdraw and will not allow you to make LB deposits.

However, she is still married to you. Until D papers are filed, she DOES NOT have any RIGHT to 'do whatever she wants' just because you hurt her.

This is a difficult situation. I encourage you to seek Dr Harley's advice.

All you can do is control yourself. You can't control her. NO LB's at all with your interactions. You can be firm in your approach about M and what you will and will not accept.

If she decides to separate, trying to keep her in the house is a good thing but on the other hand you might just need to let her go. You have hurt her terribly.

Have you considered emailing the radio show to get Dr Harley's advice? That is what I would do if I were you.


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Originally Posted by Husband1983
She informed me that she felt smothered in the house and feels a separation is what she wants to find out if she wants me in her life.


This should not be confused with 'finding out if another man is a better replacement for you'.


Not cool. Not acceptable.

You should make it PERFECTLY clear that she is still married to you. IF a separation would occur, neither of you should see other people. That is adultery.


You do not have to accept this line of thought. Extremely disrespectful. Sounds like she is trolling for another relationship to mask the pain you have created for her.



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Originally Posted by 20YearHistory
Originally Posted by Husband1983
She said she had zero interest working on the marriage, she has mentally and emotional checked out.


She informed me that she felt smothered in the house and feels a separation is what she wants to find out if she wants me in her life.


This was my fear. You have a big mountain to climb.

Your W is obviously very hurt by your actions. Don't blame her one bit. I can relate to her feelings and thoughts. Your LB balance with her is probably in the red.

Most likely she is in withdraw and will not allow you to make LB deposits.

However, she is still married to you. Until D papers are filed, she DOES NOT have any RIGHT to 'do whatever she wants' just because you hurt her.

This is a difficult situation. I encourage you to seek Dr Harley's advice.

All you can do is control yourself. You can't control her. NO LB's at all with your interactions. You can be firm in your approach about M and what you will and will not accept.

If she decides to separate, trying to keep her in the house is a good thing but on the other hand you might just need to let her go. You have hurt her terribly.

Have you considered emailing the radio show to get Dr Harley's advice? That is what I would do if I were you.
How do I go about emailing the show?

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I've emailed the show, and left my phone number to discuss the mater in person if they would like.

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Okay what about today?
How can you meet any emotional needs today?

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What are her complaints about you?

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Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
Okay what about today?
How can you meet any emotional needs today?

Not sure right now, I usually ask her when she gets home from work if there is anything I can do for her that day.

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Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
What are her complaints about you?

Her main complaint is that I have lied to her our entire marriage. She doesn't trust me nor will she ever trust me again.

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Originally Posted by Husband1983
Her main complaint is that I have lied to her our entire marriage.


Have you?


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Originally Posted by 20YearHistory
Originally Posted by Husband1983
Her main complaint is that I have lied to her our entire marriage.


Have you?

I don't feel I have (I could be wrong). After the first time (engagement) I was open and honest. Then over the summer when I had a job that required me to work the graveyard shift I would come home late. My wife would be asleep and I would stay up. I would be alone and searching the internet. One site would lead to another. This lasted for 2 months before I was caught. I lied trying to hide it.

The most recent time, I was having a secret life for 4 months. Again, I chose to stay up late, search website after website leading me into a deeper hole of lies. When I wasn't searching for something away from my wife I was open and honest through the marriage.


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Originally Posted by Husband1983
Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
Okay what about today?
How can you meet any emotional needs today?

Not sure right now, I usually ask her when she gets home from work if there is anything I can do for her that day.

It sounds like she just gets irritated when you ask her this question.
Does she drink coffee? Make her a cup
Does she like baths? Buy some bath soaps
Does she like a clean house? Clean it thoroughly

It's going to be hard to make any deposits because she has basically closed her love bank to you. Dr Harley recently advised a caller to clean windows if that will make a small deposit.
You have a LB deficit and you need to get out of the red before you will notice any change

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Originally Posted by Husband1983
Originally Posted by 20YearHistory
Originally Posted by Husband1983
Her main complaint is that I have lied to her our entire marriage.


Have you?

I don't feel I have (I could be wrong). After the first time (engagement) I was open and honest. Then over the summer when I had a job that required me to work the graveyard shift I would come home late. My wife would be asleep and I would stay up. I would be alone and searching the internet. One site would lead to another. This lasted for 2 months before I was caught. I lied trying to hide it.

The most recent time, I was having a secret life for 4 months. Again, I chose to stay up late, search website after website leading me into a deeper hole of lies. When I wasn't searching for something away from my wife I was open and honest through the marriage.

When you are married you should be dead to all other intimate relationships.
I can understand how she is angry about this. It is betrayal.
That is where MB comes in.
It's important that she knows that you will hanging your lifestyle and eliminating the conditions that made this behavior possible.

Have you exposed your behavior to family and friends?

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