Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 33 1 2 3 4 32 33
mrs_cen #2729016 05/20/13 08:34 PM
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,757
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,757
Originally Posted by mrs_cen
...I'm Feb of this year, I got a msg from an old friend (one I'd known for 15 years) asking me to go have a coffee - I did, I thought nothing of going...
Opposite-sex friendships are never a good idea. I don't care what you never thought through, or what you saw on some TV sitcom or some light-beer commercial, or what your girlfriends think. When a married person is in an opposite-sex friendship, it is never a good idea. That crap only works out in the world of fiction. In real life, it leads people to where you've been.

I know. I've been there myself.


Originally Posted by mrs_cen
...Without going into the griddy details to much - my H found out, I was honest with him, I never denied or tried to hide it. ...
Well, assuming your "never" started only on the day you got caught... MrRollieEyes

Like I said, I've been where you are, mrs_cen. That means you can't easily bull*** me. That's actually good news for you.


Originally Posted by mrs_cen
... I've accepted what I did, I haven't "passed" blame, I've done EVERY THING my H has asked and yet it seems to not be enough - I don't know what else I can do, I get it that he's hurt and angry and it will take time, but I feel like I'm never going to stop being punished for it.
See, this early into recovery, your husband probably isn't even sure himself what it will take, isn't sure what will be enough. He may not be sure what he needs to know from you. That's to be expected. Why would you assume that on the basis of the time between the discovery of your affair & the present day, you'll be punished "forever"? That's a heck of an extrapolation on your part. That'd be sort of like your husband assuming you'll be an adulterer forever, based on an extrapolation of your conduct during your affair. Would it be unfair for him to make such an assumption, but not unfair for you to do so?

My wife (who has worked for most of the last 3 decades in neonatal intensive care units) has drawn a parallel between the pain of being cheated upon & the pain she's witnessed in parents who've just lost a child. Maybe that's overdrawn, I dunno, but my wife isn't given to maudlin statements. Anyway, you've got kids; so let that thought sink in for a bit. Give yourself some pause before you go making any glib assumptions about his level of pain -- it may be worse than you think. Still, figuratively-speaking, and literally, your husband, when faced with a choice between this site & a lawyer's office, came here -- by his own free will. That's huge. If you want to save your marriage, it's huge. Take heart.

I'm here to tell you that a marriage can not only be saved but made better than before. That's my message of hope for you both. But it requires that you commit gratuitous acts of trust on a daily basis. It requires that you both aim not to get back to the marriage you had before, but to something better.

If you haven't gotten the book "Surviving An Affair," please know that it's the book that well may have saved my marriage after my own affair. If your husband thought enough of you to stay his own hand on the divorce, then chances are, he'd be interested in working through the book with you.

No, it won't all be one-sided -- all work for you & no expectations, and him holding this over your head forever. It can't be one-way if your marriage is to flourish; and hopefully your husband is smart enough to realize that. 3 years w/o sex sounds pretty damned messed-up -- y'all need to figure that out, the two of you, together, and that's nothing that I've got any experience in dealing with, so I can't help you there. But for today, I'll counsel patience on your part. Recoveries take two years even in best-case scenarios, and with the sexual issue you've described, I'm not sure your situation is best-case.

You can fix this, but you both have to be all-in, and ready to work at it together, daily.

Right now, how much time are you getting each week for undivided attention to one another?


Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
PhoenixMB #2729279 05/21/13 06:44 PM
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 201
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 201
I'm already wondering what was said here and deleted?

RNR2013 #2729283 05/21/13 06:47 PM
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 201
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 201
The biggest thing on my mind right now is the fact that he dumped her not the other way around. This tells me she would still be with him and not me otherwise. I was just around and still willing to try and make this work, so she figured she may as well come back to me. Am I wrong for thinking this? She and him were still in communication as little as two weeks ago, i've seen the messages. The first message I encountered was her basically begging him to tell her why he dumped her? Now i'm not supposedly doing something right because I don't trust her? I am going to give this my best, i've been around from the beginning but there will be no second chances.

Last edited by RNR2013; 05/21/13 06:55 PM.
RNR2013 #2729293 05/21/13 06:57 PM
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
Originally Posted by RNR2013
I'm already wondering what was said here and deleted?

You are mrscen's BH?

If you are referring to the fact that the threads were merged, it doesn't mean that anything was deleted. Just that her two threads were merged into one.

While you can read your W's thread, it is not a good idea for you to post on it. It would be great for you to start your own thread. Welcome to MB!


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
RNR2013 #2729294 05/21/13 06:58 PM
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
Originally Posted by RNR2013
The biggest thing on my mind right now is the fact that he dumped her not the other way around. This tells me she would still be with him and not me otherwise. I was just around and still willing to try and make this work, so she figured she may as well come back to me. Am I wrong for thinking this?
Are you mrs_cen's BH? Welcome to MB.

No, you are not wrong for thinking this. You are probably correct in your analysis. However, you should read the case study of Sue and Jon in Dr Harley's book Surviving an Affair.

Sue left Jon for another man, and only went back home because he dumped her and she had nowhere to go. Jon was very resentful of this fact and hopeless about the prospects for their marriage. Yet, because they used Dr Harley's programme to estore their marriage, Sue fell in love with Jon again and their marriage is successful today, years later.

Have you read Surviving an Affair, or any of the infidelity articles available free on this forum?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
RNR2013 #2729295 05/21/13 06:58 PM
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by RNR2013
The biggest thing on my mind right now is the fact that he dumped her not the other way around. This tells me she would still be with him and not me otherwise. I was just around and still willing to try and make this work, so she figured she may as well come back to me. Am I wrong for thinking this?

Are you her husband?

The fact of who dumped whom makes zero difference in recovery. And let me explain why. An affair is an addiction. Rarely does an alcoholic give up alcohol because he woke up one day and realized the error of his ways. That is because he is a drunk and too inebriated to make a sound decision. A cheater experiences the same kind of high from her affair; it is called the "fog."

It doesn't matter HOW the addict was separated from the booze [affair] only that she WAS separated. Cutting off the booze [or affair] means the addict can sober up and engage in recovery. So as long as your wife has cut off all contact with the OM [no matter how it happened] she can fall in with you again.

And it is really BETTER that he dumped her for another reason. As long as he dumped her, she can't go back. If it had been the other way around she could make a decision to take him back.

So it is really more risky to your chances of recovery if your wife did the dumping.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


RNR2013 #2729296 05/21/13 06:58 PM
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
Originally Posted by RNR2013
The biggest thing on my mind right now is the fact that he dumped her not the other way around. This tells me she would still be with him and not me otherwise. I was just around and still willing to try and make this work, so she figured she may as well come back to me. Am I wrong for thinking this? She and him were still in communication as little as two weeks ago, i've seen the messages. The first message I encountered was her basically begging him to tell her why he dumped her? Now i'm not supposedly doing something right because I don't trust her? I am going to give this my best, i've been around from the beginning but there will be no second chances.

I am going to start a new thread for you so that you can get some help.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
RNR2013 #2729299 05/21/13 07:00 PM
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by RNR2013
Now i'm not supposedly doing something right because I don't trust her?

Of course you shouldn't trust her. That is right, not wrong.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


SugarCane #2729300 05/21/13 07:02 PM
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
Originally Posted by SugarCane
No, you are not wrong for thinking this. You are probably correct in your analysis.
Although, having said this, I went back and read your wife's description and it seems that he did not dump her. She dumped him because she realised that she loved and wanted you and her family. Why did you describe this so differently?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
RNR2013 #2729387 05/21/13 10:44 PM
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 329
M
mrs_cen Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 329
Since, this is my thread I best comment on it, and not my BH's.

The OM DID dump ME, he did so, because I wasn't willing to "agree" to his terms of the "relationship", I realized after thinking about what the OM was asking of me, that i did still love my H, and I wanted to be with him (my H ) I wanted my family back - therefore deciding that what the OM was wanting out of the "relationship" I was not willing to do - so he ended it. This has been hard on my BH, because as he stated he feels, that had I not been dumped, I would still be with the OM, I'm saying that the reason I was dumped in the first place was BECAUSE, I didn't want the relationship with the OM, I wanted my H, and had I wanted to continue the relationship with the OM, I would have "agreed" to the "terms" the OM was asking, and I never would have been dumped, the relationship never would have ended.


FWW, 36

mrs_cen #2729399 05/21/13 11:12 PM
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 329
M
mrs_cen Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 329
Could I please have a moderator remove this thread?
It has caused my H to become extremely angry at my comments. I should not have posted. Thank you.


FWW, 36

mrs_cen #2729458 05/22/13 08:37 AM
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 4,294
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 4,294
Originally Posted by mrs_cen
The OM DID dump ME, he did so, because I wasn't willing to "agree" to his terms of the "relationship", I realized after thinking about what the OM was asking of me, that i did still love my H, and I wanted to be with him (my H ) I wanted my family back - therefore deciding that what the OM was wanting out of the "relationship" I was not willing to do - so he ended it. This has been hard on my BH, because as he stated he feels, that had I not been dumped, I would still be with the OM, I'm saying that the reason I was dumped in the first place was BECAUSE, I didn't want the relationship with the OM, I wanted my H, and had I wanted to continue the relationship with the OM, I would have "agreed" to the "terms" the OM was asking, and I never would have been dumped, the relationship never would have ended.

Please don�t argue with your H. If you truly want to be with your H then prove it. Read everything Dr. Harley has written on how to survive an affair and put in extraordinary precautions so that you never stray again.

If I were you I wouldn't ask to have your thread deleted. I would leave them here so as you learn you can see the flawed thinking you currently have � and yes right now some, if not all, of your thinking on how you�re going to save this marriage is flawed.

If your H is reading this I�d encourage him not to and instead start his own thread.

Your H has suffered a great hurt committed by you and as such he deserves just compensation. What do you plan to do to recover your M? I hope it�s more than you trying to justify who dumped who and why you say you�re back in this M. From our standpoint we don�t care why you�re no longer in an A. We want to know what you�re going to do so it never happens again, what you�re going to do to help your H trust you again and what you are going to do to help restore love in your M.


Me: 57 Her: 54
M: 31 years
Kids(DS23, DD20, DS18)
mrs_cen #2729461 05/22/13 08:48 AM
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by mrs_cen
Could I please have a moderator remove this thread?
It has caused my H to become extremely angry at my comments. I should not have posted. Thank you.

Please ask him to come back and post to his own thread. We really do want to help him.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2729474 05/22/13 09:54 AM
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 329
M
mrs_cen Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 329
I have had the night to "think", my H and I talked about my post a bit and I have decided to leave the thread and continue to do as is suggested in saving my marriage. We both appreciate all the replies.


FWW, 36

mrs_cen #2729483 05/22/13 10:11 AM
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 4,294
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 4,294
That is very good news.

Please ask your H to come back and create his own thread. There are some very specific things he'll need to know and do as part of your recovery.

If you two work together you can recover. You can have a great marriage. A marriage better than what it ever was.


Me: 57 Her: 54
M: 31 years
Kids(DS23, DD20, DS18)
mrs_cen #2729486 05/22/13 10:15 AM
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Originally Posted by mrs_cen
Could I please have a moderator remove this thread?
It has caused my H to become extremely angry at my comments. I should not have posted. Thank you.

The truth of your adultery hurts.
That's a fact.

Pepperband #2729571 05/22/13 02:11 PM
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 10,179
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 10,179
And your fogginess hurts him, too. The path MB lays out is the fastest way to get you through the fog, both of you in love with each other, and with a new, safe M that doesn't leave room for an A.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
Neak #2729813 05/23/13 03:30 PM
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 329
M
mrs_cen Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 329
My BS and I are both here on MB, I wanted to clarify a few things - since I can't comment on his thread. My A began Feb 2013 and lasted just under nine weeks, my BS (RNR2013) was aware of the A, almost from the start. My BS had always expressed an interest to reconcille (or at least try) so when the A ended (yes, the OM dumped ME) my BS and I decided to try. The day it ended April 10/13 was the day all contact stopped - I closed my FB account, gave H access to email and text message, I received a text from OM about three weeks ago (H says its 2)OM had two phones, the primary one I deleted when the A ended, the 2nd I had under a false name and honestly forgot it was even there - since OM never used it (BS obviously does not believe that) anyway, I did not answer, the next day I changed my cell number, he still has access to it. Its been hard to read the few comments he's made, because we have discrepancies in how things have been done etc, but as I've read I need to put my feelings aside and focus solely on helping him heal. We bought the book that was suggested and have begun reading it - I'm unsure how it will go.


FWW, 36

mrs_cen #2729824 05/23/13 03:46 PM
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,066
E
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,066
Originally Posted by mrs_cen
I received a text from OM about three weeks ago (H says its 2)OM had two phones, the primary one I deleted when the A ended, the 2nd I had under a false name and honestly forgot it was even there - since OM never used it (BS obviously does not believe that)

Sorry, hon, I call BS on this as well. You "honestly forgot" in a manner within the last 9 weeks that you created a fictitious name for your AP?? Really?

Please start being radically honest with your battered betrayed spouse. He deserves the truth and not more lies.

Good on you for changing your number though smile

Last edited by Rocketqueen; 05/23/13 03:46 PM.
Everthesame #2729837 05/23/13 03:57 PM
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 329
M
mrs_cen Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 329
Rocket queen - yes, I did "honestly" forget, it was a number that was not used, I had it in there at the beginning of the affair. Because I cut contact and deleted the number I was familiar with, the other number was not a thought UNTIl Om tried to make contact. Your "assumption" was incorrect.

Last edited by mrs_cen; 05/23/13 04:18 PM.

FWW, 36

Page 2 of 33 1 2 3 4 32 33

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 894 guests, and 66 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5