I posted this question above and it seems to have been lost in the thread:

If I expose the affair, you are telling me I should stick with plan A, right? Which means try to stay engaged and meet her needs in any way possible, be my best self and show her I love her and want to reconcile. I've read the article on this but have a few questions. Do I try to prolong the divorce, fight it? How long do I do this for until I accept the divorce? How long after the divorce should I keep trying? We are at 18 months already since D-day, and a divorce could go quite quickly unless I drag it out. So I'm 100% aware this is not a good situation and want to know what I'd be up against and where the slivers of hope might be. I'm still learning how this works, so grateful for any information.

Wow - your kids are not babies, sir. They are long past the age where they deserve to know the truth of why their world is falling apart. It would be immoral to withhold this truth from them.


It's time to quit "struggling" with exposure, and just do it. You need to fight this affair. You cannot make love bank deposits as long as her love bank is open to another man. This is the elephant in the room.


I understand how it can feel when nobody in life gives you the support you need. But you need to rise up and do this. I think you know this and are waiting for confirmation. It's unfortunately none of your friends choose to support you, but your kids need you to deal with this head on like a man.

After your exposure, I would stick with Plan A for about 6 more months before you move on. If you haven't reconciled by then, it is probably hopeless.

At this point, I think divorce is inevitable, so I wouldn't fight it just for the reason that it would cost you more money and you likely won't be successful. If you do reconcile, you can always remarry.

You have plenty of hope, if you will quit ruling out the required tools, like exposure.

Some people rule out every plan of attack and then throw up their hands and say "There's nothing I can do."

We would not be your friends if we let you do this without saying "Of course there's something you can do! Do what has worked for hundreds of people here! Fight the affair!"

I guarantee you she'll start wanting to consider quitting her job if everybody at work knows she's having an affair.

Plan A is your best chance to keep your marriage. Plan B is only for protecting you if the pain becomes so great you can't act rationally. It does not increase your chances of saving your marriage.

dmel, we have seen many instances where workplace exposures resulted in transfers of one of the affairees. Usually the workplace will try and do something. If that happened, it could make all the difference between success and failure in your situation, because she can NEVER withdraw and sober up as long as she sees the OM at work.

Goodnes, yes! You need to confess your faults to the ones you have wounded - the victims of your crime.

They will need to truth from you to learn how to avoid repeating your mistakes in their own lives. They need the truth about their mother, too.

There is nothing to fear from truth.

Workplace exposure letter - be sure and send to 3 key people and cc each on the letter. Good targets would be the Director of Human Resources, a key VP and both affairee's supervisor. This can be sent via registered letter or even via email!

Developed by Brits Brat, board member and corporate attorney--

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and OM are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,
_________________________

The thing you're missing is that continued contact is an affair. It does the same stuff to the brain.

An affair is, neurologically speaking, an addiction. It's just like an addiction to alcohol or heroin. Seeing the affair partner is a hit. It affects the brain, every time, whether it's "personal contact" or "business contact" or whatever.

So continuing to see the affair partner at work is like quitting drinking but still sipping wine for 8-10 hours a day.

Dmel, first off, I'm terribly sorry for what you are going through. I was there years ago, dealt with the very same painful issues from a crazed WW, and I have a particular empathy for WW/BH situations because of it. I made plenty of the same mistakes you have already acknowledged (the biggest of which was being naive and not finding/implementing MB soon enough). A few points to emphasize that I also experienced personally:

A) "Asking" your WW for information is an utter waste of time and exercise in futility/frustration. There is a 99% chance that she is going to lie to you, deny everything, cover her backside, and even gaslight you to deflect. The common lies are things like...

We (her and OM) are 'just friends'.
He (OM) has nothing to do with our marriage situation.
Our marriage was over long before I met him anyway.

And so on and so on. Gaslighting is an even more insidious way of lying in which your WW will deflect by attacking you, often angrily, in an attempt to make you feel shamed or intimidated into backing off. As in...

You are paranoid! You are crazy! You really need some help. You are behaving like a stalker so stay out of my business!


B) Melody is correct that your WW's main goal is to pin the marriage's demise on YOU entirely and keep her affair out of consideration. She will emphasize and exaggerate everything remotely negative from the past and ignore or dismiss everything positive. This is the "re-writing of history" Melody wrote about. She will also scapegoat you beyond what you ever thought possible to anyone who listens to her. How you were a 'bad husband' she hasn't loved in years but she was pretty much a perfect wife. It is ALL your fault! She is blameless for anything beyond the most trivial error.

I really want to warn you especially about your WW playing the "abuse card". WWs LOVE using that. It makes you look like an ogre and it makes her look like a sympathetic figure who's justified in leaving (with no mention of the affair which is the real and primary reason after all). The scariest thing is how EASY it is for evil women to get away with it. The family court system is heavily biased against men and WWs know this. Pretty much all a WW has to do is bat her eyes, shed a few tears, and claim she's "been harrassed" or "is scared" of you and voila you will be assumed guilty.

There have been plenty of men here who after confronting/calling-out a WW have found themselves on the receiving end of an "abuse" (spousal or child) allegation, even using the kids as pawns. Don't think for a moment that your WW is too 'decent' to play that card. WWs can be very very evil.


C) Your best bet is always to investigate and expose independently of involving her in any way. I always advise BHs to hire a PI if at all possible to do the dirty work professionally and give yourself insulation. When you have the incontrovertible proof, expose widely all at once and without warning as descibed here on MB. That's the only chance (well, best one anyway) BHs have of breaking the affair early. And if it isn't broken early...well, more on that later.

I would do the above EVEN IF you don't want to save the marriage or its too far gone to likely salvage anyway. You will be glad you did even if you divorce. It will destroy her blame-you-strategy and expose her for the liar and cheat that she is. You will also have the peace of mind that comes from knowing you didn't behave like a doormat and accept no responsible for her infidelity.


D) I'm sorry to say this, but like Melody I doubt you are going to able to avoid divorce in this situation. If a WW is stubbornly continuing the affair or refusing to be genuinely remorseful/repentant this long, the marriage is un-save-able and frankly why would you want to with such a woman?

MB is geared towards people who WANT to try to recover their marriages but remember that isn't required. It is perfectly acceptable and maybe even more logical to choose to cut bait with a WS, especially if they refuse to alter their behaviors/attitudes for a substantial length of time.

I firmly believe from much reading and many personal observations that in general a WW is much harder to recover with than a WH. Their affairs tend to be more emotionally addicted and their attitudes toward their marriage/BH more belligerent and self-entitled. I urge BHs to Plan A, gather the info (PI), expose, and then be realistic about the prospects, especially if the affair has been going on a good while and she remains unrepentant. IMHO, such a woman isn't worth 2 years of wasting your life on.

Once again, I am very very sorry for what you are going through.

That is the truth.